This Burns My Heart (12 page)

“If I’m not paying enough attention to Na-yeong,” Iseul continued, “it isn’t because I don’t find her enchanting. It’s just that the bride is only half the matter. The other half is the family.”

The matchmaker nodded. “It is very smart of you to know that. And I can assure you the Lee family is a truly extraordinary one.”

Iseul gave her a skeptical glance. “You
have
to say that. They’re paying you.”

The matchmaker let out a loud snort. It registered as a girlish chuckle, but was really more of a rebuke. Mother-in-law laughed as well, as if trying to pass his comment off as a joke.

“I should ask someone more objective. Someone who has nothing to gain from this,” said Iseul. He then turned to Soo-Ja in a theatrical manner. “Not long ago, you were in the same boat that I am. What do you think of this family? Are you glad you married into it?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that,” said Soo-Ja, trying to buy time. She knew that everyone’s eyes suddenly fell on her. She also knew what lies they expected her to say:
This is a wonderful family.

“I’m asking a simple question,” said Iseul, his manner growing a little more impatient. “I’m asking if you recommend that I take your in-laws as
my
in-laws.”

Soo-Ja looked around her. She could see her mother-in-law piercing daggers into her with her eyes, and Na-yeong looking as if she was about to faint. But Soo-Ja had never been able to lie when asked a direct question.

“I’m sorry, Iseul, but I cannot answer that.”

With that, Soo-Ja excused herself and rose to leave. She reached for Hana and the bucket of fish, and then made her way out. She knew the suitor would not stay much longer and, in spite of Mother-in-law’s efforts, would probably never return.

The punishment came swiftly.

That same night, Soo-Ja came to her room to discover that someone had gone through her things. As Soo-Ja opened her drawers and looked through them, she realized her bag of cosmetics was gone. She wondered if one of the boys had taken it, as a prank.

After she put Hana to bed, Soo-Ja decided to find Mother-in-law and ask her if she had her makeup kit. Soo-Ja found her in her quarters, sitting on the floor with Na-yeong in front of her, brushing her daughter’s long, silken hair. Mother-in-law’s room was one of the largest in the house, and the only one with a mirror. Egg-shaped, with a cherry frame around it, the mirror sat atop a large chest decorated with a painting of long-tailed dragons. The chest, which was Mother-in-law’s pride and joy, had been inlaid with paper-thin layers of bull’s horn that were attached
to the oak wood, and the horn plate had the odd effect of making the chest look as if it were made entirely of translucent bull’s horn, when in fact it was only the outer layer.

“
Eomeonim
, I wonder if I may have your attention for a second?” Soo-Ja asked after her initial bow. She sat in front of her mother-in-law, with her knees touching the floor and her bottom resting on her ankles, her body feeling awkward but in the proper position for a well-bred young lady.

“You can have it for a moment. I’m going to bed soon. It has been an exhausting day,” said Mother-in-law, never taking her eyes off her own daughter.

“I just wanted to know if you borrowed my makeup kit,” Soo-Ja asked in a restrained voice.

“Makeup kit? Why are you bothering me about a makeup kit?” asked Mother-in-law, still facing her own daughter. “A single girl, I can see why she’d own a makeup kit. She needs to make herself attractive for her suitors. But a married woman? Why would a married woman need a makeup kit?”

Soo-Ja held her tongue at this, arching her eyebrows. “Just so you know, I wasn’t wearing any makeup today,” she said.

“Oh? Is it because you think you are so beautiful that you don’t need it?” asked Mother-in-law, looking away from the mirror for the first time.

Soo-Ja rested her bottom on the floor, trying to remain calm.

“What did you do with my makeup kit? Did you do something to it?”

“And if I did?”

“That was
my
kit, purchased with
my
money, from before I was married to Min,” said Soo-Ja, her blood starting to boil. “It was a kit from Europe, from Paris.
Very
expensive. I used it sparingly, to make it last longer, since I knew I wouldn’t be able to get a new one for a long time to come. Please, give it back.”

Mother-in-law looked at her with disgust. “For as long as you live in my house, you’re not to wear any makeup. Keep your face the way God made it.”

Mother-in-law reached inside her
bandaji
and produced Soo-Ja’s makeup kit. She tossed it at her daughter-in-law.

“I’m sorry about what happened with Iseul,” said Soo-Ja, trying to speak evenly. “But that does not give you an excuse to take my things.”

Mother-in-law looked angrily at Soo-Ja, while Na-yeong watched quietly. “You’re not scared of me. Why are you not scared of me? I talk to my friends. Their daughters-in-law are
terrified
of them. But you, you’re not afraid of me at all.”

“Why would I be? You’re not a mountain bear.”

“And how can you not be afraid of Father-in-law? The way you talk to him… it’s so informal. It’s almost brazen.”

“I don’t see why I should treat him like some god just because he was born a man.”

“I knew you’d make a bad daughter-in-law, but I didn’t expect you to be
this
bad.”

Suddenly, Mother-in-law grabbed the kit back from Soo-Ja’s hand and pulled some of the cosmetics out of the bag. She then proceeded to break the lipstick off at the base, snap the cover off the foundation case, and tear off the tips of the mascara brushes. She did this with the quick movements of a child, completely focused on the task, glancing over at Soo-Ja occasionally, daring her to stop this. Na-yeong watched this, too, with a look of surprise on her face, and a tinge of regret, as if all these items could have—should have—been hers. Finally, Soo-Ja reached over and took away some of the pencils and lipsticks that her mother-in-law hadn’t yet gotten to. While Soo-Ja leaned forward, her mother-in-law tried to pry her fingers open, slapping at her arm.

“Stop that!” Soo-Ja told her.

But her mother-in-law kept hitting her, and she leaned forward clumsily, so that her arms and hands fell over Soo-Ja for support. When Soo-Ja moved to get away from her slaps, Mother-in-law lost her balance, fell back, and hit her head on the floor. She gave a great cry of pain.

The commotion brought Father-in-law and the boys to the room, along with Min, who appeared a few seconds later. Soo-Ja pictured the tableau through their eyes: Mother-in-law rubbing her head with her hand, squinting her eyes in obvious pain; Soo-Ja—enemy, attacker, villain—standing over her with no apparent weapon but her strong hands.

“She hit me! She hit me!” Mother-in-law cried out.

“I didn’t!” Soo-Ja called out. “She fell on the floor by accident.”

“I fell because of you! Because you hit me!” She began to bang on the floor, like a woman whose body has been overtaken by a spirit.
“Aigo meah!
Oh my Lord!”

Everyone’s eyes turned not to Soo-Ja but to Min, to see how he would respond to this. Soo-Ja looked at him a little complicitly, expecting him to ask his mother if she wasn’t sure she’d fallen by accident. He was, after all, her husband, and she expected him to side with her. But instead, he turned to his wife, hate flashing in his eyes.

“Why are you so mean to my mother?” Min cried out. He reached for Soo-Ja’s arm and shook her. “I know what goes on behind closed doors! You act nice to her in front of me, but I know when it’s just the two of you, you’re abusive to her! Well, you’ve been caught this time.”

Soo-Ja looked back at him in disbelief, and then she turned to Na-yeong, waiting for her to tell them it had been an accident, and that she had never laid a finger on Mother-in-law, even while she was slapping her. But Na-yeong said nothing, and the men stared down at Soo-Ja in fury.

“Hana’s father, you don’t believe her, do you?” asked Soo-Ja. “I didn’t hit her.”

Min did not answer. Instead, he spied a pair of scissors on the floor near a sewing kit and dove to grab them. In a second’s flash, he was waving those scissors in front of Soo-Ja, not saying anything coherent. Soo-Ja watched the sharp blades as they punctured the air. All the others stepped back, afraid of getting hit by accident.

If you stab me, my death will be slow and agonizing
, thought Soo-Ja.

It was Du-Ho who quickly grabbed Min’s hands from behind and took the scissors away from him. Soo-Ja noticed that Min gave them up freely, as if he had been waiting for someone to do precisely that.

His hands now free, Min used them to grab Soo-Ja. He dragged her all the way to their room, where he finally let go of her arm. He did it with such force that Soo-Ja almost fell to the floor.

Sitting down, Soo-Ja massaged her bruised skin and looked at Min
with anger in her eyes. “Don’t you have any desire to hear my side of the story?”

Min paced the room in a half circle, his fist tapping against the walls. “Why did you have to flirt with Na-yeong’s suitor? If you’re not satisfied with me, why don’t you go after the milkman, or the gardener’s son?”

Soo-Ja felt the frustration tighten around her neck. “Because I’m not you, Min. I don’t believe in sleeping with the help.”

Min made his hand into a fist and he held it above Soo-Ja’s face. He glared at her, trembling a little, as if trying to gather the courage to hit her.

“You lay a hand on me, Min, and I will kill you. I will take a knife from the kitchen and I will stick it in your heart.”

Min’s eyes grew bigger, and he punched the wall instead. The thud was so loud it made Soo-Ja flinch. She waited to hear if Hana woke in the next room. The impact, however, had not been loud enough to disrupt her daughter’s slumber.

Min, as if tired from the punch, sat down on the floor next to Soo-Ja. He looked like a man ill with fever.

“I’m not going to hit you, Soo-Ja. I’m not my father.”

Soo-Ja looked at him sideways, cautiously, her words prodding him like a stick. “Your father used to hit your mother?”

Min laughed. “He had a room especially for that.” Min rested his head against the wall. “He had us empty it out, take out the furniture. Then he’d put Mother in there and he’d beat her. He’d chase after her in a circle, and she’d try to get away. When he caught up with her, he’d hit her. She’d fall, then get up, and keep running in the circle, until Father’s knuckles gave out. Even when I stayed away from the room, I could still hear them, and I could see their shadows on the paper doors.”

“Is that what you wanted to do to me tonight?” asked Soo-Ja. Outside their door, she could hear the wind howling as the snow dove onto the ground. By morning, they’d all be buried in layers of crystals and powder. “Trust me, I didn’t flirt with Iseul.”

“No, you did something much worse.” Min’s voice gained a sureness that bothered Soo-Ja. She wondered if something else had happened.

“If you’d met Iseul, you wouldn’t be saying that.”

“I
met
Iseul,” said Min, cutting her off. “I ran into him as he was leaving. He pulled me to the side and told me to take better care of you.”

“Why would he say that?” asked Soo-Ja, confused, turning to him.

Min met her gaze. “He said he saw you pulling fish out of our pond. He said it looked like your hands were freezing.”

Soo-Ja placed her hand on her forehead and squeezed her temples. So the suitor hadn’t been late, after all. He’d been at the gate, watching her that entire time. Soo-Ja wondered why he hadn’t come to help her.

“Why do you do things like that? To make people feel sorry for you?” asked Min.

“I didn’t know he was there.”

“He said that you must have married badly. Did you, Soo-Ja? Did you marry badly?” asked Min.

In his voice, Soo-Ja heard a kind of desperation she had never thought him capable of feeling. She figured he wanted her to say
Yes, I did
, so he could continue to fight with her, and yell at her, and accuse her of being ungrateful. In his words, Soo-Ja heard a bottomless guilt, frustration the size of an ocean. He did not provide for her, and did not take care of her. He did not know how to.

Soo-Ja felt the tears form in her eyes. She closed her eyelids, trying to trap them inside. “My life is good, Min. Don’t worry about me.”

It had not been so bad in the beginning. During the first week of the marriage, Soo-Ja’s in-laws bragged about their new daughter-in-law, whose enterprising father, they liked to remind others, had started one of Korea’s first modern shoe factories. Mother-in-law took Soo-Ja to the market with her and introduced her to all the shopkeepers she did business with. When she met them, Soo-Ja saw that her mother-in-law had already spoken to them about her, and brought her because they’d asked so often to meet her.

But even then, Min’s mother would give her daughter-in-law a hard time. She’d comment on Soo-Ja, saying, “Your hips are very narrow. That is not good for birthing babies.” Or she’d sneer, “Your hands are
so smooth. Have you ever done a day’s work in your life?” Like other women of her generation, Mother-in-law did not welcome a comely daughter-in-law. Beauty meant trouble, and mothers whose sons married attractive girls often cursed the union. The ideal daughter-in-law had rough hands, large hips, and a homely face.

During the months of Soo-Ja’s pregnancy, Mother-in-law prayed every night to her ancestors at a small shrine she had built in the backyard, asking for a grandson. She observed all the traditional restrictions that were believed to encourage the birth of a boy. She did not let her daughter-in-law run, read, or walk up too many stairs. She did not let her have visitors, or talk about serious matters. She did not let her wear clingy clothes, or get near rotten or raw meat. Interestingly, thought Soo-Ja, her restrictions did not extend to her chores as a daughter-in-law. She still had to scrub the laminated floors of the house every day—floors that had to be clean enough for them to sit, eat, and sleep on—as well as wash everyone’s clothes, many of which were white and also had to be cleaned daily. Those activities were not thought to affect the sex of a baby, her mother-in-law explained.