This Book is Gay (22 page)

My partner and I have been together for eight years. We're civil partners, living together in our own place – in short we're quite “settled” with each other. We're best friends as well as partners and know each other inside out.

A few years ago, we agreed that we could see other people, should the opportunity arise. It wasn't something that was decided for us to instantly run out and pull the first man we met – it was more “If the moment happens, then its not a problem.” There are rules: we're not allowed to bring anyone back to our own home (unless we're together); you don't wake up at someone else's place; and we always tell the other person when something happens.

As for why we chose to do it, the first is down to the obvious: something new. As well as obviously being a lot of fun, sex can also be a learning experience and therapeutic – and one way which this is demonstrated at its best is in its variety. We realised that while we're still committed to each other and have total faith in one another, seeing other people not only enriched our sex lives but made us stronger as a couple. A further reason is that now, with hindsight and still in my twenties, committing yourself to one person for sex almost feels abnormal, particularly for gay couples, where (in most cases) the prospect of raising children and settling down in the traditional sense is non-existent. (My partner and I are strongly against the idea of having children. Ever.)

Lots of younger LGBT* people want to be in committed relationships – after all, that intimacy does look good, doesn't it? Well, it does, but remember, having no relationship is better than having one just because everyone else is. Would you jump off a cliff if your friends told you to? (ANS: How high is this cliff we're talkin' about?)

When I visit schools, most now have at least one ‘gay couple' and, importantly, the rest of the school doesn't seem to give a flying fig. Schools are legally required to provide a safe space for all pupils so, IN THEORY, you should be able to have a relationship with a classmate. In practice, schools vary widely, with some far better than others at tackling homophobic bullying.

Outside of school, there's nothing to stop you having a boyfriend or girlfriend at all. Some couples I know in their thirties got together when they were at school and are going strong to this day!

This said, few people wind up with their childhood sweethearts, and not everyone is emotionally mature enough to have a relationship while still at school or college. Early boyfriends or girlfriends, however, are FAB because it gives you a taste of what being in a relationship is like, teaches you how to compromise and allows you to establish what you like and don't like.

Finally! After much, much talking by many, many people, most of whom do not identify as LGB or T (begging the question ‘Why do they even get a say in the matter?'), same-sex couples can finally get married in England and Wales. It has been such a tedious, unnecessary battle, but same-sex couples now have something dimly resembling equality.

Let's take a look at the timeline.

For some unfathomable reason, it was decided that same-sex ceremonies would not be permitted in the Church of England or the Church in Wales. Man, it's like they don't like us or something. The good news is lots of other religious venues WILL solemnise your wedding, so it's still game on!

You'll also note that (as of early 2014) equality hasn't yet been achieved in Northern Ireland. They are massively faffing around. Equality groups are working on it. The same is true globally. Some territories are waking up to basic human rights for LGBT* people, while others aren't. At the moment, readers in Australia CANNOT marry, while those in America will be aware that you CAN marry in seventeen states, hopefully with more following suit soon.

For the most part, though, in the Western world, the tide seems to be turning in our favour. Rejoice! Whether you want to get married or not, I believe that everyone should be entitled to exactly the same institutions. The LGBT* community is divided on this subject, however – and with said institutions being historically pissy with us, who can blame them.

‘I am strongly in favour [of same-sex marriage]. I believe that the halfway house of civil partnerships was merely a stepping stone in enabling full equality for the LBGT community. Love is the same regardless of sexuality, and marriage does not belong to anyone religious or otherwise – it is a human social construct, and it should be open to all couples who wish to commit to each other. Yes, if the right man were to ask me, I would love to have a husband!'

Mike, London.

‘I see no difference at all between gay and straight marriage, and I can't believe in the twenty-first century people still distinguish between the two. Marriage is marriage, love is love.'

MJ, UK.

‘I'm very much in support of equal rights for LGBT* people, including marital rights. Same-sex marriage has been legal in my country, South Africa, for seven years, and society has yet to crumble. I quite like the idea of getting married one day – mostly because I love weddings, if I'm honest.'

Stephen, 22, Johannesburg, South Africa

‘I absolutely support same-sex marriage. And I find any argument against it absolutely ridiculous. This may sound harsh, but there is one simple reason: whether or not two people of the same sex can get married has absolutely no impact on the lives or marriages of anybody else. Literally not the tiniest impact. And that's all there is to it. It's nobody else's business, so there is no sense in opposing it. Personally, I don't really want to get married, but it is important for me to know that, if I change my mind, I have the possibility to.'

Anna, 17, Germany.

‘I actually don't feel very strongly about this. For me, it's solely a legal/practical thing. All the fuss and sentimentality is meaningless to me when you can just get a divorce and void the whole thing if you change your mind.'

L, 28, Brighton.

The bottom line is this: if you want to get married in England and Wales, you now can. Whether you're male, female, gay, straight, bi or curious. That feels right to me. I'm slightly pissed off that nobody's asked me yet to be honest. I'M SITTING HERE IN A WEDDING DRESS. The Marriage (Same-Sex Couples) Act is also fab in that it protects trans people too. If you marry someone and you or they change gender, the marriage will still stand under the law.

Hopefully it won't come as too much of a surprise when I tell you two men or two women will need a little help when it comes to making a baby happen. WHAAAAAT? I know, it's true. You need a healthy supply of both egg and sperm, I'm afraid.

That said, this is but a tiny barrier in stopping same-sex couples from starting a family, and many are choosing to do so. Again, this is a matter of EQUALITY – just because we fancy who we fancy doesn't mean we shouldn't be granted the same choices as the majority.

As with marriage, this is a contentious issue (who knows why, it's the twenty-first century).

‘I'd dearly love to be a father one day. Being a single gay man, though, I don't know quite how that will happen.'

Stuart, 33, Brighton.

‘I think people who think through the idea of children and then make a conscious decision to have them are always better parents than those who just have them because “that's what you do”.'

Fi, 29, Madrid.

‘I think good parents are needed everywhere; their persuasion is irrelevant other than giving a good life to a child. I would love to adopt a child when I have a secure relationship and financial situation. I would prefer to adopt than have my own. I don't like the idea of being pregnant, but I do feel maternal, and I know there are so many children out there who need loving homes.'

Blaz, 34, Bristol.

‘None of the arguments against gay parenting make much sense to me because they basically seem to fall into two categories: 1. “Children need a mother and a father because they bring different things to the family” – this makes as much sense to me as saying, “Children need one musical parent and one scientific parent” or, “Children need one humorous parent and one very serious parent.” Obviously, different people will bring different things to a child's upbringing, but insisting it must be one man and one woman seems random. The “nature” argument never stands up that well either. 2. “Children will be bullied if they have gay parents” – kids can be bullied for any number of things, and that's not really a basis to say those things shouldn't happen. In time, having gay parents will be as unremarkable as having divorced parents.'

L, 28, Brighton.

L makes a very good point. The arguments against same-sex couples having children are wafer-thin. There is basically NO REASON ON EARTH that we shouldn't have families. ‘Oh, but they'll get picked on!' scream homophobic readers clutching their pearls. ‘Only by you, you small-minded twonks,' replies the rest of the world.

Two loving parents = two GREAT parents, regardless of sexual preference or gender identity. Got that? Good.

1. Sperm donation:
A female couple can use donor sperm to become preggo. The NHS recommends you acquire love juice via a registered clinic, as it will have been screened for STIs and genetic abnormalities. What's more, if you go through a registered clinic, both mothers will automatically be recorded as the baby's parents. If you aren't married and use a private donor, the mother who doesn't give birth to the infant will have to later adopt it.

‘I have always wanted to have a family, and I never felt that being gay would prevent that. I met my partner nine years ago, and after our civil partnership in 2009, we started to talk about creating a family. We both knew that we wanted to have children, but had not settled on the best way to do it. As a lesbian, there are so many options. We considered all of them – known donor, unknown donor, adoption, etc. We discussed each option together, we met with a family planner and we talked with friends. And finally, we arrived at a way forwards that felt comfortable for us. My partner would have the babies through an unknown, but open, donor that we selected from a clinic in New York. Now, we have a beautiful 18-month old daughter and we couldn't be happier. We both work four days per week, and both do childcare one day a week. We appreciate the equality in our relationship and that both of us are able to feel fulfilled professionally and personally, as mothers.'

Charlotte, London.

2. Co-parenting:
This is traditionally where a gay man and woman team up and raise a child together – perhaps sharing custody between gay couples. It's not always two gay parents; one can clearly be straight. However, as anyone who has seen the shiteous Madonna film
Next Best Thing
will know, make sure you have a lawyer handy to ensure that the arrangement is legally binding.