These Is My Words (29 page)

Finally, I shooed them all away this afternoon and I took a long bath and made some coffee and sat in my chair and thought about everything. It seems as if I can only think if I write my journal, it just connects the part of my head that is busy doing things with the part that is busy thinking about everything else. I know all these people are so busy because they love each other and me. We are a noisy crowd of love.

December 20, 1885

Dear Sarah
,

I know you like to keep everything written down in your journal, and if it were possible for you to see yourself, you would certainly want a record of this day. You looked so lovely today, all proud and erect in your fine new dress. Pale, though, but I’m sure you were apprehensive as I was when I became a bride, though it just added to your appeal, as you seemed innocent as a young girl and most becoming. What a show the Army put on for your wedding! I have never seen so much shiny brass and dark blue uniforms and all those drawn sabers flashing in the cold bright sunlight, well, it was a sight to behold. That beautiful coach with the matched team wearing tassels and polished silver that you drove away in was just the most elegant thing I have ever seen, too
.

Did you know that Jack asked me personally if Albert and I wanted to take our vows again, along side you, because he felt he had done a botched job of it when we married? But I told him he hadn’t botched it at all, as you can see we are very happily married together and have a fine family coming along, so he must have done it just right
.

What a striking figure Lt. Elliot makes, such an imposing man in his uniform, but he seems to be so gentle when you get to know him. He bears an unusual combination of fine traits, and it is no wonder that you love him so. Even the preacher seemed intimidated by his presence and all the power created by rows of soldiers at attention surrounding the altar. Did you see Harland’s face when Jack saluted his men so crisply and stern looking, and then winked at Harland?

Well, darling, have a wonderful time on your trip, and don’t worry, we will take care of everything here for you and bring April to the depot ready to go day after tomorrow. May the Lord bless you and keep you, The Lord lift His countenance upon you and give you peace
.

Your loving Sister, Savannah

December 20, 1885

What have I done, Lord? I have gone and said I will love and honor and obey that man for the rest of my days and I don’t even know who he is. There was Albert with Jack’s hand on his shoulder, laughing after the ceremony, and he kissed Mama on the cheek and Savannah too, carrying my baby in his arms, smiling and talking like he was the happiest man on earth.

Then he brought me here to this fancy hotel room, the best they’ve got, and said, You just get ready for bed, I’ve got something to do. And he didn’t seem happy or like he wanted to kiss me or anything. He seemed so intent and dark inside that I was frightened. Oh, if there was some way to slip out of this room and disappear and just erase my name off that marriage license! All my doubts were right and I have made a huge blunder. And now I am sitting here waiting for him to come back and do unspeakable things and I am so terrified I can’t bring myself to move from this chair.

This is a terrible mistake, and I repent a thousand times and I will never never say or think another bad or selfish thing Lord, if you will just get me out of this. I promise I will be as good as Savannah, and better, and never complain any more about anything, and I will be so meek and mild and good and gentle, even Savannah will have to admire it. And I will learn a hundred Bible verses by memory, maybe two hundred. There will be no end to my good nature and there has to be a way out of this. Maybe Lord, you could just open up the earth and gobble him down, and he will disappear and everything will go back to normal. The whole town will laugh at me, worse than after that day in church, but I don’t care. Maybe he has gone to visit some street woman down on Maiden Lane like Jimmy did. On our wedding day too.

Oh, Lord, what have I done?

December 21, 1885

Jack stayed gone so long last evening, that I finally got into my nightdress, and feeling full of dread and loathing, got into bed to await my fate and pray with all my might for the earth to open up right in the middle of Congress Street as he walked up to this hotel. It would be in the paper tomorrow, Man Swallowed Alive by Act of God on Congress Street, All Rescue Efforts Failed, Grieving Widow Mourns on Wedding Day. I heard the key in the lock and the door hinges squeal, and closed my eyes tight, pretending to be asleep.

I heard him set something down, and his voice said, You look like you are waiting your execution! I opened my eyes and he was standing over me with his hands on his hips, and I couldn’t say any words at all. Get up, he said, and come sit down. We have some things to discuss.

I was feeling embarrassed sitting down with him in my nighty. He opened the little brown sack and took out two glasses. Then he brought out a little bottle. What is that? I asked.

Whiskey, he said. He poured some into both glasses, just a sip, and then filled them with water from a canteen. Here, he said, handing me a glass and taking the other one. He had a strange look on his face that scared me even more. I sniffed the glass and didn’t like the smell, and all I could think of was, what kind of shame was he leading me to now? Then he sort of pointed his glass at me and said, This is the last drink I will ever have, and I want to have it with you. Sip it slow. It will help your nerves. And mine, too.

I’m not nervous, I said to him, but he just smirked at me.

He said, If I said boo to you, you’d jump out that window and run barefoot to California. Don’t tell me you’re not nervous, it’s time for some honesty. Now try it, please.

So I took a little sip. It is surely the devil’s own brew, burning and hot and nasty tasting, and it made my eyes water and I shuddered real hard like when I was little and Mama dosed me with castor oil.

Amazing isn’t it? he said, why people will go out of their way and lose everything that’s important to them for something that tastes like it would cut grease. Just take a sip, and listen to what I have to say. You don’t have to drink it all. With that, he took half of his and gulped it down, and cleared his throat. These are married things, all right, between a husband and wife? Secret, even from your Mama.

I nodded at him, getting really scared, and I prepared myself to hear a horrible tale of wicked women and loathsome deeds.

Well, he said, I was married before. But not with a preacher, not in a church. She was an Indian and no preacher would marry us, or her people either, so we just married each other. He looked like he was trying to cut a hole into his glass with his eyes.

I took another sip of the whiskey. Where is she now? I said.

I don’t know, he said, and gulped down the rest of the whiskey in his glass. Her brothers and some men from her tribe found us and beat the hell out of me and dragged her away and disappeared. I hunted for her for a year, but they left no trail at all. Maybe I was just young and stupid and couldn’t find it. She was pregnant though, and I know how they felt about half breed babies, just like most white people do. When I told you I had a friend that died and wouldn’t tell you the name, well, it was on Christmas day six years ago now, that I decided she was dead, and I quit looking for her.

I said, I imagine that broke your heart. Then I got to thinking again about how Jimmy never did love me, only Ruthanne, and because of that, I never meant much to him. So I felt real heavy in my heart, and I said, And so, you’re telling me you still love her?

No, he said with a twisted sound in his voice, looking frustrated. That’s not what I’m saying at all. It isn’t the kind of thing a man wants known all around, but you deserve to know something like that. Neither of us are the same as we were six years ago are we? I did love her. And I’ll always remember her, but I love you now, and for different reasons. More grown up reasons. I was young and irresponsible, and I wish I had been more thoughtful of what would happen to her instead of selfish. I caused her more grief than a woman should know, and maybe caused her death. I don’t ever want to do anything that could cause you bad times ahead, but I’m just a man. And sometimes kind of selfish. And I don’t want you to think because that preacher made you say honor and obey that I expect that. I don’t want you to turn into a good little wife, I want to be married to you just like you are, spitfire and all.

Well, I said, that’s a real fine compliment, Captain Elliot.

He smiled at me and then he laughed softly to himself. I think you are getting relaxed, he said. He took the glass from me and set it aside, and held my hands in his. And he stared at me until I had to turn my eyes away. I have a wedding gift for you, he said. My sister sent it to me, it used to be my mother’s, and I hope you’d wear it now and then. He handed me a little envelope of paper, and inside it was a beautiful little brooch with a tiny clock hanging from it. All around the little clock was a sparkly little cut glass ring.

Here, he said, the diamonds were loose but I had them fixed. That’s what took me so long, the jewelsmith was closed and I had to go to his house and make him open the store to get it for you. The watch keeps pretty good time, he said, and you just turn this here if it is slow, to make the hands catch up.

These here are diamonds? I asked. What is this white thing? There was a round ball of creamy white from which the little diamond watch hung.

It’s a pearl, he said. A pretty good one, I reckon, the jewelsmith tried to buy it off the watch and replace it with some other stone he had, but I wanted it to look like I remembered it.

Oh, I gasped out, oh my, this is beautiful! Oh, Jack, thank you so much. All my life I have wanted a pearl to wear. I would be proud to wear it always.

Well, he said, not when you are wrangling cattle, it wouldn’t be socially proper to wear diamonds to a roundup.

I have a gift for you, too, I said. I was ashamed of myself for plotting how I’d get my money back when the earth swallowed Jack Elliot down. I stood up and hurried to the bureau, but I hadn’t even unpacked, and I noticed that he made a face when he saw me go instead to my bags.

Weren’t you planning to stay? he said.

I told him, We won’t be here long enough to get all that out and then re-pack tomorrow, but here it is, I had your name put on it, but if you don’t like it, well, here. I handed him the watch and chain that was engraved now with his name.

Oh, look at that! he said, and popped open the cover. Why this is just fine! And it’s already running. Seems, Mrs. Elliot, that we both have time on our minds. Isn’t that something? he said, opening the cover and reading it and closing it, and opening it again. It’s real fine. Thank you kindly. He put the watch in his hand and made the chain into a little coil around it. Take one more sip, he said. There’s one last thing we have to discuss.

My head was starting to spin when my eyes moved around. It doesn’t taste so bad, now, I said.

He nodded and gave me that half a smile. I reckon not, he said, good thing this is the last drink for both of us. He was eyeing me again. Now, he said, I want to talk about children. I want you to know that I love April like she was mine, and that’s no problem. And I want to have all the children you want, but not so many that you wear yourself into the ground like some women.

I nodded, but I didn’t understand. Jack, I said, I had a real bad time having April. Real bad. I want to have other children too, but you should know that it wasn’t easy for me. Savannah has a much easier time, I said. Oh, I shouldn’t have said that! Oh, I’m sorry! Please don’t tell her I said that to you!

Sh-sh, he said. It’s okay. The liquor makes you talk, that’s all. It’s another good reason to stay away from it. I’m sorry you had a tough time. I’d hate to think of you going through that again.

I nodded at him and said, If you’d stay close by, Jack, I’ll be okay. I’m not afraid.

He squinted a bit of a smile. I know, he said. At least you don’t look like you are marching to a gallows any more. Then he held out his hand towards me and said, Come here, my love, and tell me you love me true.

Well, I am sort of used to having you around, I said. Once again, just for a second, I saw that look on his face like I’d poked a nerve.

I’ve grown somewhat accustomed to you, too, he said. You’re cold, you’re shaking all over, he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. Why don’t you get back under the covers and stay warm?

I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded it would feel so good to put my freezing feet back under the blankets.

He stood by the bed and began to undress slowly, and I climbed up on the feather mattress, embarrassed to watch, but I listened to the boots, the belt, the clothes as they hit the wood chair, then I felt the bed sway down.

Just a minute, I said, aren’t you going to wear anything to bed?

He just grinned even bigger, showing his teeth, and said Mustache! and pulled up the blankets.

No one should write down, even in her private journal, the things that happen on her wedding night, but I never want to forget the first time I knew John Edward Harrison Elliot. He told me he loved me more than life itself, telling me he had longed for this moment forever and forever, and he asked me did I like this or that, which I couldn’t even choose because the answer was always yes.

Jack kissed me until my lips were swollen and my throat was dry as cotton, and kissed the scar on my breast, whispering A little sugar, to make the owey all better. Then he kissed again, And one for the heart, where the wounds are deepest. He whispered to me, a hundred little soft loving words I could hardly hear in between a constant raining of kisses, and then he took my breath away; it was never like this before. The feather bed felt like it was a cloud up in the sky, and we slept a while and then woke and loved again, and slept, and loved again with the sun fully up.