The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak

The Zombie Survival Guide

How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak

by

Etienne Guerin DeForest

&

Edited by Arthur Gelsinger

Cover art by Kristy Anne Ligones

Beach and Tied up Zombie Illustration by Emel Akiah

Zombie Training Photography by Randy Brooks

Zombie Training Makeup by Katrena Mannor

Zombie Training Models:

Kate Burns (Brunet)

Jamie Riehle (Blond)

Jarrett York Hoffman (Dude)

All other photography and illustrations are public domain

This book is dedicated to all the girls who let me sleep with them. This includes girls who let me sleep with them in the future. So if you're a girl and you want a book dedicated to you, please contact me.

For behind the scenes pictures and other merchandise please visit www.nxebooks.com

About the Author

Some say that Etienne DeForest (
deh-for-AY
, for all you non-frogs) is the baddest motherfucker on the planet, while most others agree that he is kind of puny and has poorly concealed homosexual tendencies.

Etienne was raised in a military compound, deep in the Rhodesian jungle, by a single father who commanded a squadron of mercenaries specializing in the suppression of frequent zombie outbreaks occurring in remote jungle villages.

When he was 14, the boy was awakened one night by the frantic retreat of soldiers fleeing a fight gone horrifically wrong. Only after hours of agonizing pleas for an answer to where his Papa was did the soldiers of fortune tell him: His father had been claimed by the undead. Drunk with blood lust at his news, Etienne slipped away from the compound and traveled to the village where his father was slain.

E.T. (as he was lovingly called by the soldiers) stepped coldly into the village, which was still rampant with zombies and fire when he arrived. He belted screams of African curses from the depths of his intestines, while tirelessly laying waist to the ghost-like creatures with the combined power of his grief, gunpowder, and steel.

All but one of the undead were left when the child ran out of ammo and angst. As the last of the flesh-eaters approached, he recognized the monster to be his father. With tears cascading from his eyes he bellowed, “Daddy, why did you abandon me!” and proceeded to collapse what was once his father’s skull into paste with the butt of his shotgun.

The boy that arrived in the village that night to avenge his father's death died piece by piece with each creature he relentlessly executed. When the rest of the soldiers finally returned to avenge their comrades, they found only bludgeoned corpses and the silent shell that was once their beloved “E.T.” All of his innocence lost, what emerged from the jungle that night was not the same creature that entered. All that remained was a beast so full of hate that it could only consume raw meat, cooking it with the burning anger which came from within his stomach.

Editor’s note: Extensive biographical research into the author’s background has failed to provide any proof in support of his claims. He was not raised in the jungle, his father is still very much alive and well, and though he tried eating raw meat once, it only took that one time to teach him that it is never a good idea to try using your stomach as an oven. But he is rather puny. And he definitely wants to get with dudes.

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

If history has taught us anything, it is the fact that history has a tendency to repeat itself. Empires will rise and fall, plagues will decimate massive populations, and zombie outbreaks will destroy entire civilizations. The next zombie outbreak is coming, and therefore the purpose of this book is to prepare the reader for the inevitable. Do not be one of those people who think, “It won’t ever happen to me.”

It is going to happen to you, and unless you want to be holed up in some basement somewhere, shivering in horror as you watch the door slowly being torn apart by a never ending horde of flesh-eating monsters, with nothing to defend yourself with but a rolling pin and screams for mercy, then you’d better listen up!

You see, zombies have no mercy; they have no reasoning or logic at all. What they do have is a primal hunger for your brains. They will not retreat; they will constantly advance until they get their teeth into your brains, or until you destroy their rotten skulls with the elite zombie combat skills detailed in this must-read book.

But this is not
just
a must-read book. Our very survival as a species depends on your ability to combat these man-eating zombie bastards, and if you only read one book that will give you the ability to do this, then this is the book that you’ll want to read. With this prerogative in mind, we now begin our foray into the history and habits of our undead adversaries, which will be followed by some helpful pointers for dealing with them when they finally come for YOU, which they most certainly will, especially if you don’t buy (and maybe read) this book.

When the first zombie outbreak occurred is a matter of contention in the field of zombology. However, most archeologists agree that the first documented case of zombie activity comes out of ancient Egypt. Some theorize that the pharaohs' obsession with eternal life was what brought about Mesopotamian zombism (and hence all zombism to follow), a theory that will be covered in more detail in Chapter 2.

The hieroglyph pictured above was discovered in the Great Pyramid of Giza. Although its interpretation is still hotly debated, some archeologists claim that the ancients were trying to depict a mummy mumbling about “brains.” If you look closely, there appears to be what some describe as a circle containing the word “brains” at upper left, and an arrow indicating its origin in the mummy’s mouth. It should be noted though that the American Institute of Archeologists dismisses this circle as a water stain.

The Great Pyramids were completed in 2,560 BC. The latest film in
The Mummy
series (starring Brendan Fraser) was completed in 2,008 AD. This tells us, if we accept the evidence, that zombies have been among us for over twenty-two millennia.

The next most recent depiction of zombiehood was discovered in Australia during the 19
^th
century. Because the painting was created using non-organic material, accurate carbon dating of it is unfortunately impossible. When white people discovered this image, however, it wasn’t so much its uncertain age that intrigued them the most, but rather the sheer size of “it.” The image was quickly sketched so it could be analyzed further in an indoor environment, away from all the colored people.

Back at home, the researchers quickly concluded that the painting was that of an aboriginal god, a mistake that some archeologists attribute to their jealously of the length and girth of the male sex glands commonly observed in the indigenous population. After all, if the original scholars could pass this painting off as a depiction of some form of deity, then they could all be much more confident and comfortable in saying “Oh, that's just a rumor…”

The truth is, it's not a rumor. Aboriginals have huge dicks, and this painting is of an aboriginal zombie. It is a well-known fact that zombies typically approach with their arms outstretched toward their intended target. The arms in this painting may be disproportionately elongated in order to get that point across. Another indicator suggesting that this may in fact be a zombie is the presence of body parts, boomerangs, and primitive hammers in the space all around him. This painting may have been used as an educational tool, depicting how to spot a zombie assailant. The message is quite simple: If you see a naked guy feasting on body parts, arms outstretched toward you, run like hell and don't try to fight it. If you hit it with your boomerang and this has no effect, let the kangaroos deal with it and live to see another day.