The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written (25 page)

Gloria smiled. “Fifteen.”

Marion gasped.

“
We’ll need lots of bathrooms.”

21

After school, Gloria and Angel rode the city bus to Valley View Mall so Gloria could do a little experiment.

“
We’re going to the mall to do some window-shopping before Christmas,” she told Angel.
To see if you’re still a little girl.

“
They don’t sell windows at the mall,” Angel said.

Johnny would say this is yet another example of Angel thinking too literally. I’ll bet she just doesn’t know what the phrase means.
“We’re going to look for presents for Johnny, Grandma, and each other, and we’re going to look at what’s behind the windows.”

“
Why?”

Because that’s the definition of window-shopping!
“You can see most of what the stores are selling in the windows without going inside.”
Where they will “May I help you?” to death and try to convince you to buy things you don’t need.

“
We could just go on the Internet, Mama.”

But then I couldn’t do my little experiment, and our dialup connection at home is so slow I can click on Google, take a shower, cook a meal, eat it, and finally type in a search word after the dishes are dried and put away.
“What do you think we should get Grandma for Christmas?”
Besides manners and the ability to mind her own business.

“
A new griddle,” Angel said.

How … domestic. My child wants to shop at Sears.
“What else?”

Angel shrugged. “Grandma doesn’t need anything else.”

Gloria pulled Angel to her. “Baby girl, Christmas is about wishes and dreams. What do you think Grandma wishes for?”

“
I can’t read Grandma’s mind.”

No one can, and who would want to? It must be a dark, confusing place.
“Well, what have you always wanted to get her?”
And please say something childlike like a puppy, or a kitten, or a bicycle, or even a Cadillac.

“
I don’t have any money.”

Okay.
That
was literal.
“If you had enough money to buy her anything, what would you buy her?”

“
A new stove.”

Not Sears again!
“Why? Her old stove is perfectly fine.”

“
She says it doesn’t cook right anymore. That’s why she has to spin the pans around in the oven.”

True, but …
“To tell you the truth, Angel, I don’t know if Grandma can cook on any stove but that one.”

They browsed windows at the crowded mall, Gloria watching for the lights in Angel’s eyes.

They paused in front of the Disney store. Nothing. Not even a spark.

GameStop didn’t stop Angel from yawning.

Angel rolled her eyes at Build-A-Bear Workshop.

Gloria rolled her eyes at Build-A-Bear Workshop, too.

Angel didn’t love Puppy Love.

“
Mama, you’re staring at me.”

To see if there’s still a kid in there somewhere!
“Sometimes I watch your eyes to see what you want.”

“
I don’t want anything here,” Angel said.

“
Not even a puppy?”

“
Where will we put it? Who will raise it? Who will clean up after it?”

Angel is now officially not a child. What have I been raising?
“Well, is there any store you want to go in?”

Angel grabbed Gloria’s hand. “Can we go to the bookstore?”

Angel never made it to the back of Barnes & Noble and the children’s section, rushing directly to find a hardcover book called
The Complete Pyramids: Solving the Ancient Mysteries.
Angel handed the hefty book to Gloria. “It’s on sale, Mama.”

For $34.95! Wow! All of ten measly percent off. What a bargain.
“Are you sure this is what you want?”

Angel nodded, her eyes little lights.

Gloria felt her firm belief in nurture over nature slipping away. She had always thought that Paul had little effect on Angel aside from half her appearance and her poor eyesight and numerous teeth, but somehow Paul and his college majors and degrees were always seeping through in frustrating ways.

“
It can be an early Christmas present, right, Mama?”

A thick book with pictures and diagrams of dead stone thrills her. Puppies? No. Toys? No. Stuffed animals? No—and I have to agree with her there. Dressing your bear? Who thought up that nonsense?

“
And you know I will read it, Mama.”

And re-read it until your eyes wear out and we have to get you another lens prescription.
“Okay, okay, we’ll get the book.”

Her experiment gone awry, Gloria led Angel out of the mall and across the parking lot to Chick-fil-A so they could split a Kid’s Meal. “Um, no, um toys necessary,” Gloria told the cashier.
Do they even give toys?
“Just the food.”

“
Are you sure?” the cashier asked. “We put a little educational fun in every bag.”

Gloria stepped aside to allow the cashier to see Angel poring over her new book. “Just the food,” Gloria said.

After eating most of the nuggets and waffle fries since Angel couldn’t tear her eyes away from the table of contents for even a second, Gloria hustled Angel back to the mall to f.y.e. to buy a video.

“
Pick any video you like, and we’ll watch it tonight together.”

Angel frowned. “Why don’t we just rent one?”

Because I do not want to take a smelly city bus to Hollywood Video, get out of the smelly city bus, pick out a movie, and wait for another smelly city bus to take us home.
“I just thought you’d like to have a video you can watch again and again and again.”

“
Oh.”

Once again, Angel avoided any kids’ movies and zeroed in on a boxed set of DVDs.

Gloria’s heart sank.

“
Can we get all these?” Angel asked.

Gloria paid $50 for
Indiana Jones—The Complete Adventure Collection
, which included
Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Temple of Doom, The Last Crusade,
and
The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Maybe she likes Harrison Ford,
Gloria hoped.
Maybe she’s just an action-adventure kind of girl. Nothing wrong with that, nothing at all.

“
Mama?” Angel asked, looking up briefly from her book as the bus rolled home.

“
Yes, baby?”

“
You know what I want to be when I grow up?”

“
What, baby?”

“
An archaeologist.”

I have failed so miserably as a mother,
Gloria thought.
Johnny’s right. Angel is too grown. She’d rather have a set of encyclopedias than a coloring book. Cartoons “are for children,” she says. “Toys are stupid because they always break,” she says. Her jump rope doesn’t have a single frayed fiber on it. The wheels on her roller skates have dust on them instead of gouges. Her computerized virtual pet died in only one night!

“
The child is jaded at five,” Marion said after Gloria explained her failed experiment when they got home. “She’s already bored with childhood.”

Gloria slumped on the loveseat. “You see how she held that book? Like it was the Holy Bible.”

Marion tapped the box of DVDs. “We’re going to watch one of these tonight?”

“
Right. We are going to watch one or two while she solves the ancient mysteries of the pyramids.” Gloria kicked off her shoes. “She’ll probably have it read by the time she goes to bed.”

Marion appraised Gloria’s hair and frowned. “You gonna do something about your hair and”—she waved her hands in front of Gloria’s face and body—“before Johnny gets here?”

“
I look fine, Mama.”

“
Well, you gonna do anything … different?”

Gloria sighed. “Mama, Johnny likes what I normally look like, right? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?”

“
Well at least fix your hair.” She grimaced. “I didn’t know hair could break. Do something with it.”

“
My hair is fine. Johnny seems to like it the way it is.”

“
Well …” Marion squinted. “I mean, have you even asked him if he likes it like that?”

“
No, but aren’t you the one who said never to put on airs for anybody?”

Marion scowled. “Cuz we couldn’t
afford
to put on airs for anybody, that’s why. At least … push it away from your neck. Y’all gonna be doing some necking, right?”

Gloria looked outside as the sun slipped over the horizon. “Johnny likes me exactly the way I am.”

“
He’s such a simple man.”

Footsteps crept down the stairs. “Mama?”

“
Yes, Angel?”
All right! Let’s watch a movie!

“
Do I have to watch a movie tonight?” Angel asked.

Okay, let’s not. That stupid book. I never should have bought it.
“We could just watch some TV, baby. The Discovery Channel or the National Geographic Channel maybe.”

“
I want to read my book until bedtime,” Angel said.

Gloria heard a page turning.
Geez. No wonder she crept down the stairs. She didn’t want to lose her place.
“You know you can stay up late tonight. You can read that book anytime.”

Silence. Another page turned. “I’m going to go to bed early tonight.”

“
With her flashlight,” Marion whispered.

“
But we’re having pizza later,” Gloria said. “Don’t you want some pizza?”

“
I’m not hungry, Mama.”

Foul-smelling tombs of ancient dead people are more interesting than eating pizza and watching an adventure movie with her mama and grandma.
“But you picked out the movies, Angel.”

“
I can watch them anytime,” Angel said.

I can’t win,
Gloria thought.

“
We’ll save you some pizza, baby,” Marion said. “You go up and enjoy that new book.”

“
Thanks, Grandma!”

Footsteps zipped up the stairs.

I hate it when she does that!
“Mama, I was handling it.”

Marion smiled. “I just wanted her to know who loves her most in this house.” She stared at the DVD box. “Which one do you want to watch first?”

“
It doesn’t matter.”

Marion read the backs of all four DVDs, eventually comparing the first movie to the last. “Harrison Ford has aged pretty well. He’s kind of sexy for an old fart, ain’t he?”

“
I don’t care what we watch, Mama.”

Marion tore open
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
“Let’s watch him when he was young first. It’ll warm you up for later.”

“
Whatever.”

Just what I wanted to do to “warm up” for Johnny,
Gloria thought.
Watching some overeducated people searching for ancient stuff—

“
Ooh,” Marion said. “I bet they filmed part of this in Egypt. Look at the sand on the cover. Is that one of the pyramids?”

I hope,
Gloria thought glumly,
that they all run headfirst into a pyramid and die.

22