The World's Loudest Armpit Fart (7 page)

The referee stood on the centre spot and gave a fierce blast on his whistle. Everyone froze.

‘This game is abandoned!’ he yelled. ‘The
tournament
is abandoned! This ground is unsafe for football!’ He picked up a handful of jelly and hurled it at Mr Eckersley. ‘But the conditions are perfect for a jelly-fight! Play on!’

The rumpus rumbled on and soon the entire pitch became a springy orange mess. When at last the referee blew his whistle to call a halt to it, Sally squelched over to Danny and Matthew. ‘Pity the game was called off,’ she said. ‘You would’ve broken the record for keeping a clean sheet.’

‘Did you miss on purpose?’ asked Danny.

Sally laughed and winked at him again. ‘Give me a kiss and I’ll tell you.’

‘No way!’ replied Danny, pulling his goalkeeper’s jersey up over his face.

‘Then I’m not telling.’ Sally turned and headed towards the changing rooms.

Danny nodded his head. ‘She did.’

Matthew shook his head. ‘She didn’t.’

‘We’ll never know.’

‘Not unless you kiss her.’

‘Urggghhhhh! Gross!’ cried Danny.

‘Yeah! Mega-
giga
-gross!’ agreed Matthew.

Dear Mr Bibby

I didn’t manage to get the Mexican Jelly-wave all the way round the Three Hills Stadium. It was going well until the wobble hit Sally Butterworth’s lips. Then all the other jellies went crazy and the whole lot ended up on the touchline.

But it was great ammunition for the massive Pineapple and Parsnip and Peach and Pickled-onion Jelly Fight I started the next day! At the height of the battle, there were 487 people chucking jelly at each other. It was Ace! Every bit of grass turned orange!

We were on the telly, and luckily someone from Creepy Crawly Creek Home for Rescued Invertebrates saw the news report. They were suffering a serious shortage of slime in their giant-worm enclosure and our jelly was just the thing they needed to put it right! They sent a big tanker-lorry, sucked all the jelly into it with a huge vacuum-cleaner pipe, and took it back to Bugsby Tyke in Yorkshire.

We were winning eight-nil when the battle started, but the referee abandoned the game, so I couldn’t break the clean-sheet record after all. But did we break a record with our jelly-fight?

Best wishes

Danny Baker

PS NEWSFLASH!!! Good thing I didn’t post my letter this morning, because tonight I’m hoping I finally got the records for the Most Consecutive Games without Conceding a Goal, when we beat the Dumdown Dewdrops two-nil. Matthew’s done the maths and it’s actually fifty-two games or 3,128 minutes. Have I done it?

Dear Danny

Bad luck with the Mexican Jelly-wave attempt, but
double congratulations
too!

Congratulations No.1: You and the other 486 jelly-chuckers are record breakers! You beat the previous Mass Jelly-fight in a Sports Stadium world record by 244 people. I wish I’d been there to see
that
record broken! I’m sending you a separate parcel with all the other certificates. Could you please hand them out to everyone who took part in the record?

Congratulations No. 2: You have played the Most Consecutive Number of Games without Conceding a Goal. This is a truly awesome feat. Your dad must be very proud of you.

Best wishes

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

PS How on earth did Sally Butterworth’s lips get in the way of the wave? Was she trying to eat the jelly when the wobble hit her?

Danny, Matthew and Dad were in the back garden trying to break the Group Keepy-uppy Headers with a Jelly Football world record. Matthew had been tinkering with the mix and he was sure he’d finally got it right: three parts Winkle and Whortleberry, two parts Raspberry and Roast Potato, and one part Cockle and Cumquat. Mum watched from the bench beneath the tree as she mended the lawnmower.

The attempt was going well. The jelly football wibbled, but not too much. It wobbled, but just enough to give it bounce. Dad headed it to Matthew: ‘Twenty-three . . .’ counted Matt and headed it to Danny. ‘Twenty-four . . .’

At that moment, Natalie walked into the garden.

‘Nats!’ called Danny, nodding the quivering ball towards his sister. ‘On your head!’