The World According to Humphrey (5 page)

 

There was a name and a phone number at the end.

I could hardly believe it. This was exactly what Aldo needed! I could already see him, smiling and happy, going to parks and plays with the Moonlighters Club and having a girlfriend.

But how could I get Aldo to read this ad? He’d probably just throw it away. Still, if I cut it out and left it in a place where he couldn’t miss it, well, maybe.

Hamsters can’t do scissors, but we have nifty teeth. It took me a while to nibble the whole ad out neatly, but I did a pretty good job. Then I stood the clipping up against my cage. Aldo couldn’t help but see it if he looked at me, which he always did.

That evening, I was more anxious than usual for Aldo to arrive. When he turned on the lights, I squeaked, “Hello,” right away.

“Greetings to you, my little friend,” said Aldo as he pushed his cart into the room. “You sound like you have something on your mind.”

“You bet,” I tried to tell him.

He ambled over to my cage and leaned down to look in.

“What’s happening, Humphrey?” he asked.

I saw his eyes light on the scrap of newspaper.

“Hey, I can hardly see you.” He reached out and pushed the clipping aside.

“Read it!” I squeaked right out. Of course, he didn’t understand.

He didn’t even look at what the ad said. He just set it down next to the cage and leaned in closer.

I was squeaking a blue streak. “Look at it now!”

“Calm down, Humphrey. I’ve got a treat for you,” said Aldo. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny bit of carrot. “Your pal Aldo would never forget you.”

My heart sank. You try to help a human and they don’t even pay attention. But as you know, I don’t give up easily.

I squeaked happily while he balanced his broom on one finger, as usual. But my mind was on the Moonlighters Club and how to get Aldo there.

After he left, I scrambled out of my cage, picked up the newspaper clipping and tucked it inside my notebook. Then I hid the notebook behind my mirror. If I didn’t, somebody mean (like Mrs. Brisbane) might throw it away.

I was still wondering what to do with it the next day when Mrs. Brisbane rolled in a cart with a big machine on it.

“This is the overhead projector,” she told the class. “I’m going to use it for some map work.”

When Mrs. Brisbane turned the machine on, a bright light was projected onto the wall. Then she placed a paper map on the glass and suddenly that map showed up really big on the wall. She could write on it and draw on it and you could see everything she wrote.

A machine like this could come in very handy, I thought.

So when Mrs. Brisbane turned the machine off and sent my classmates off to lunch, I thought about that machine.

When A.J. cleaned my cage and changed my water and bedding, I thought about that machine.

I thought about it so hard, I suddenly came up with a REALLY-REALLY-REALLY good Plan. But it would be difficult to carry out and dangerous as well.

I
waited until the school was completely quiet. No students, no teachers, no Mr. Morales. Then I got busy because I had a lot of work to do. Big work for a small hamster.

First, I took the Moonlighters Club clipping out of my notebook. Holding it in my mouth, I opened the lock-that-doesn’t-lock and scurried across the table.

Getting down off that table was still a problem. I grabbed hold of the leg and slid down, as I’ve done before. It makes me feel a little queasy in my tummy. But it would be worthwhile if I could get Aldo a girlfriend.

I hurried over to the big machine, which was very, very high off the ground. It seemed impossible for me to get up there, but I had it all planned out in my mind. Crawl up the wastebasket—oooh, I didn’t know it would sway like that! Leap over to the seat of Mrs. Brisbane’s chair. Whoa—slippery! Crawl up the rungs to the chalkboard tray behind it. Along the chalkboard tray to the bookcase. Then the hardest part: the dive from the bookcase to the overhead projector cart. If you ever try it yourself, don’t look down!

I was practically home free, but I still had to get up to the lit part. Still holding the newspaper clipping in my mouth, I grabbed on to a big screw sticking out of the side and pulled myself up. Then I reached up as high as I could and just barely managed to touch the top. Good thing I’ve got big muscles, because I was able to P-U-L-L myself up.

I was there! It was like climbing Mount McKinley, the tallest mountain peak in the United States! (Ask Mrs. Brisbane.)

I quickly pushed the switch. I wished I had some sunglasses, because I was suddenly surrounded by blinding light. It was like being inside a lightbulb.

I took the newspaper clipping out of my mouth and carefully laid it on the flat glass. Then I looked up at the wall and NO-NO-NO! Up on the screen was a picture of a car and behind it there was jumbled up backward writing! I realized I must have laid the clipping on the glass upside down. I quickly turned it over and there it was: all the information about the Moonlighters Club right there on the wall, with the outline of the car behind it.

Aldo would be coming soon, so I hurried back to the cage. It was faster getting back, because it was mostly downhill until the very end, when I had to swing my way up the cord to the blinds and back to the table.

I was panting pretty hard by the time I closed the cage door behind me. I didn’t even have time to catch my breath before Aldo swung the door open.

“Whoa! Who left that on?” he exclaimed as he entered. “That thing could overheat.”

He hurried over to the overhead projector.

“Look at the wall! Look up at the wall!” I squeaked, but the words only sounded like hamster peeps.

Aldo didn’t waste a second. He flicked the machine off. All that work for nothing!

But then a funny thing happened. Aldo turned the machine back on and looked at the wall. “What’s this?” he muttered. “Why did Mrs. Brisbane have this up here? Hey, nice car!”

He squinted up at the screen. “Look, Humphrey. The Moonlighters Club. For people who work at night, like me.”

And me, I thought. I was still quite exhausted from all that effort.

Aldo stared at the big ad on the wall for a while. Then he turned off the projector and went to work and never mentioned it again.

Yes, I was annoyed. I had failed, but at least I had tried, which was more than I can say for one of my classmates. Yes, Sayeh Nasiri. With my own furry ears, I had heard her promise Mrs. Brisbane that she would raise her hand in class. But so far, she’d been as silent as a statue. Her week was almost up. Even though I’d scolded her the day she fed me, she paid no more attention to me than she had to her teacher.

You should really listen to your teacher. Even Mrs. Brisbane.

And you should always listen to your hamster.

I was worried about Aldo and about Sayeh. But I have to admit, my journey had been so tiring that—nocturnal or not—I slept soundly the rest of the night.

The next day began in a very surprising way.

“I have something to share with you all,” Mrs. Brisbane announced. She held up a postcard with a picture of colorful parrots perched in lush green trees. “A postcard from Ms. McNamara.” (Mrs. Brisbane would never call her Ms. Mac.) “It says:

(Mrs. Brisbane had to say Ms. Mac since that’s the way the card was signed.)

HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPY! Not only did Ms. Mac remember me, she missed me most of all. Oh, and I missed her most of all, too. Especially every time I looked at Mrs. Brisbane and she glared back at me.

Mrs. Brisbane showed us Brazil on the map and it’s far away. I’d like to be that far away from Mrs. Brisbane.

My head was so filled with memories of Ms. Mac that I only got 75% on my vocabulary test.

After we graded the tests in class, Mrs. Brisbane said, “If you got 100% on the test, please raise your hand.”

That woke me up. What a clever way to get Sayeh to raise her hand. Because she always got 100%.

A.J. raised his hand. Art raised his hand.

Sayeh just stared down at her desktop.

I was starting to get really mad at her.

When it was time for map work, Mrs. Brisbane clicked on the overhead projector and there it was: the Moonlighters Club ad right on the wall. Mrs. Brisbane wrinkled her nose, picked up the paper and looked at both sides. Then she held it up to the light and I think maybe she noticed those little, tiny holes my teeth had made when I carried it over there.

Mrs. Brisbane looked over at my cage and wrinkled her nose again. Then she crumpled the paper and threw it into the wastebasket.

She’s smart, but she is also
mean.

She’s not the only one. While she went on with her map work, Wait-for-the-Bell-Garth Tugwell started making some
very rude
noises.

Mrs. Brisbane didn’t even turn around. When someone started giggling, she just said, “Stop-Giggling-Gail.”

So Garth’s rude noises got louder and even ruder. And a lot of other kids giggled along with Gail.

Suddenly, the teacher spun around to face them.

“Very well. The whole class will stay in during recess for extra vocabulary words,” she announced.

Everybody groaned. “It’s Garth’s fault,” said Heidi.

“Raise your hand,” Mrs. Brisbane snapped back. “You will all stay in during recess.
Unless
the person making those noises wants to step forward and admit it.”

Nobody said a word, but everybody glared at Garth, including me.

“Okay, I did it,” he said.

“Raise your hand,” Heidi whispered loudly.

“Very well, Garth. You, Heidi and Gail will stay in during recess,” the teacher said firmly.

Heidi and Gail protested until the bell rang, but all three of them stayed in during recess. Instead of making them do extra vocabulary words, though, Mrs. Brisbane let them rest their heads on their desks.
After
she lectured them about their behavior, of course.

All this commotion had made me a little hungry, and for some reason, I hadn’t been fed yet. So I decided to squeak up for myself.

Mrs. Brisbane turned and pointed at me angrily. “I don’t need any trouble out of you, either,” she said.

Heidi raised her hand. “I don’t think he’s been fed today,” she said.

Mrs. Brisbane told Garth to feed me. Then she dismissed the girls and told them to go outside and play for the rest of recess.

So she wasn’t completely mean to them, anyway.

She even trusted Garth to be alone in the room while she took some papers down to the office.

I’d always liked Wait-for-the-Bell-Garth, so I was surprised when he started grumbling at me as he filled the water bottle and put some fresh mealworms in my cage.

“One of these days, you’ll get in trouble, too,” he said. “I’ll see to that.”

“Huh?” I squeaked.

“Everybody hates me. Everybody loves you. You’re just a rat in disguise.”

The words hurt me a lot. Why would Garth say that? I mean, sure, almost everybody
does
love me, but I don’t make rude noises and get other people into trouble.

I was still pondering Garth’s behavior when my classmates returned to Room 26. Mrs. Brisbane must have gotten rested up over the recess, because she greeted them with a smile. “I have a surprise for you,” she told the kids.

Surprises always get the class’s attention. They think surprises are always good. However, I know that surprises can sometimes be bad, like the day Ms. Mac left me forever.

“We’re going to pick who gets to take Humphrey home for the weekend,” she explained. “Now, you all know whether or not your parents gave permission for you to bring him home. So, if you’d like Humphrey this weekend, raise your hand now.”

HEY-HEY-HEY. You should have seen all the hands that went up. I could hardly believe my eyes. Miranda and Heidi and A.J. and . . . Every single hand in the class, except Garth’s. Even Sayeh Nasiri raised her hand.

Mrs. Brisbane noticed.

“Sayeh, do you think it will be all right with your parents?” she asked.

Sayeh nodded her head.

“I can’t hear you,” said Mrs. Brisbane.

“Yes, ma’am,” said Sayeh.

It was strange to hear her voice in the classroom.