The Witch and the Borscht Pearl (38 page)

Mrs. Risk nodded. “So you said before.”

Ilene continued, “To have an abortion back then was—was a nightmare. My church … And besides, it wasn’t legal. Pearl could’ve gone to jail for arranging it. I don’t know how she did it. I hadn’t been staying with Pearl long. The doctors said I was too chronically undernourished to bear a healthy child. They had doubts about either of us surviving. Pearl made me tell her where my parents were and she called them. Afterward, she refused to tell me what they said, but she didn’t have to.” She exhaled, a long painful breath.

“What did your doctors suggest you do?” asked Mrs. Risk.

“No one had any suggestions. Except Pearl. She kept saying over and over that she wanted me to live. She was the only one who did.”

She swallowed hard. “I murdered my child. And when I die, I’m going to burn in hell forever, in the lake of fire.” She said this with a subdued shrill note, as if panic over the prospect bubbled just beneath the surface.

“No!” I recoiled, shocked, but she paid no notice.

“‘He that committeth sin is of the devil.’” she said as if quoting, her face pale and rigid. “A mortal sin.”

“God would never demand you to burn in hell for this, Ilene! You were a child, then, yourself. A monstrous sin was committed against you.”

“God will never forgive me,” she replied.

“God forgave whatever there was to forgive, years ago. And if God can forgive us our sins, who are we not to forgive ourselves? Better than God?” asked Mrs. Risk in a tender, urgent voice. “‘By grace we are saved through faith … it is the gift of God.’”

Ilene turned away from her, “I don’t believe the Bible any more.”

“But you believe in hell, in the lake of fire?” Mrs. Risk asked, almost angrily.

“We pay for what we do.”

“You’ve paid already, Ilene. As Solly finally paid,” said Mrs. Risk, leaning back in her chair as if exhausted. She closed her eyes for a moment, then, opening them, gazed at the misted lofty ceiling above us. After a while, her scrutiny returned to Ilene’s face.

“I wish you would believe me, child,” said Mrs. Risk in a low resigned voice.

I understood why Mrs. Risk called this middle-aged woman ‘child’. Ilene possessed a child’s one-dimensioned outlook.

“Yes. At the last, he did pay, didn’t he,” agreed Ilene. Then she glanced at Mrs. Risk as if gauging her and finding her wanting. “It’s nothing to you. You don’t believe in the sanctity of human life.”

“Why do you say that? Because I’m not appalled about your abortion?”

Ilene nodded.

“You’re wrong. Abortion’s not a simple issue, no matter what those horrifyingly unChristian fundamentalists rant. They don’t speak on God’s behalf. God doesn’t need anyone to speak on His behalf. Can you understand that, dear?”

“But some lives are more important than others.”

“How so?”

“Even after what he did, Solly was more important than me. To my family and to my Church the baby was more important than me. I’m the least of everyone. But Pearl, she loved me before she hardly knew me, and I should’ve been nothing to her. I’ve never understood why. But I love her.”

“Darling, you’re a unique and important person in this world, believe me.” Mrs. Risk groped for words. “When you were young, your parents’ unloving actions toward you must have been cruelly bewildering. The people who were supposed to love you, whom you had every right to expect to take care of you, didn’t.”

When I heard this, I flushed and stared at Mrs. Risk. She’d once used similar words in a conversation with me. But she only gazed intently at Ilene, concentrating fiercely on her.

“Solly probably told you he loved you, too, to entice you into the rape situation. As an adult dealing with a child, he, too, let you down. But Pearl did love you, even though you had no reason to expect anything from her. The irony must have puzzled you greatly. I can understand why you’re so devoted to her,” said Mrs. Risk.

But Ilene had stopped listening. Glancing at her wristwatch, she rose from her chair, said, “I must start preparing. I have to be at my best tonight, it’s the least I can do after I’ve let her down so badly.”

“You’ve let her down? How?” insisted Mrs. Risk.

Ilene turned to stare wide-eyed at her. “You said it yourself. I made a mistake when I didn’t get him sent away years ago. Because of me, Solly was still around to hurt her with Bella and to steal her money. She has nothing, now, you know. And they’re putting all those humiliating stories about her in the papers. She’s been hurt so much, and she doesn’t deserve any of it. I could have saved her all that. If I’d only—” she swallowed hard.

“Pearl’s no stranger to struggle, Ilene. You don’t need to protect her. She’s stronger now than ever before.”

“No. She needs me. I’ve got to make it up to her for what I did!” Ilene took a step, but staggered. I jumped to my feet and grabbed her arm to steady her. My fingers gleamed warm and brown against Ilene’s pallid skin.

Mrs. Risk stood. “She is strong, Ilene.”

Ilene jerked her arm away from me. “No. Her heart, she almost died. She tried to depend on Solly and the others, but they let her down. All she’s really got is me!”

“That heart attack was two years ago. Ilene, she no longer needs your sacrifices!”

Ilene shuddered, then hastened away, wrapping her robe tight around herself as if the tropical air contained an arctic chill. As she rounded the far corner of the room, she broke into a loping run. Running away from us. I didn’t blame her.

After a long moment, Mrs. Risk started after her. I watched first Ilene, then Mrs. Risk circle the enormous pool, their images strangely blurred in the moist air. I wiped at my eyes.

It wasn’t fair. She might think she’d murdered her child, but so had she been killed, only slowly, over long cruel years. She’d murdered again, for Pearl, but I could find no blame for her. After all, she could go to hell only once. Looked to me like she’d already put in her time there.

In her anguished mind, she might not’ve realized the implications of using Pearl’s own medication until after the police investigated. Her silent, ubiquitous presence could certainly have enabled her to overhear about Solly’s condition and the effects of digoxin without being noticed. I watched Mrs. Risk narrow the distance between them. Run, Ilene! I willed Mrs. Risk to give up the chase. What more could she want from Ilene? Let her go free, I begged silently.

Ilene reached the exit. She shoved at the heavy glass door blindly, with difficulty, but Michael, turning in at the same door, pulled it open for her. I held my breath. He spoke to her, but she swept past him, probably not even seeing him, and I exhaled in relief.

Mrs. Risk stopped dead where she was, then turned and started back. I ran up to her and clutched her arm. “What now?” I stared meaningfully at Michael, coming our way.

“We’ll see,” she muttered under her breath. She made a slight motion with her head and Charlie, lounging watchfully by the diving board, leaped to his feet to join us. His and Michael’s paths converged at the near corner of the pool and they advanced together.

“Hello, Michael,” she said when they arrived.

“Hi.” He nodded at me, but no usual smile. Charlie positioned himself behind us as if choosing sides, dividing our group into ‘us’ and ‘him’. And ‘him’ was Detective Sergeant Michael Hahn of the Sixth Precinct Homicide Squad, Suffolk County Police. Just ‘Michael’ no longer.

“Is Miss Fox okay?” he asked. Mrs. Risk took his arm and they moved away. I stayed behind with Charlie, willing to leave it to Mrs. Risk to appease Michael with some story or other. Dully, I watched the swimmers play.

The woman who’d earlier scolded, now beamed with adoration at the child. The girl bobbed and squealed with delight in the pool, secure under the approving gaze of the woman who loved her. I wondered what Ilene’s parents had been like. Whether they’d ever looked at her like that. Somehow I doubted it, shoving down the knowledge that I hadn’t gotten such looks, either. I shrugged. History.

I glanced back to Michael and Mrs. Risk and my attention sharpened. They seemed to have a lot to discuss. I edged over to listen. Charlie followed.

“I won’t insult you by asking if you’re sure,” I heard Michael comment as I arrived. He was scribbling in his small notebook.

“What are you telling him?” I asked her, curiously. They broke off and turned together to look at me. The depth of sadness in Michael’s expression told me.

“NO!”

He now knew all about Ilene. Mrs. Risk obviously cared only that Pearl would go free. Too bad for Ilene. The thought flashed crazily through my mind, what if Ilene had been Mrs. Risk’s friend and Pearl only an acquaintance? Would things be different? I took a step back, wanting space between them and me and nearly fell into the pool. For a moment I wobbled on the edge.

“Rachel, darling,” began Mrs. Risk, reaching for me.

I twisted away from her touch. “Shut up. Just shut up! She’s sick. She needs help, not jail! Detective Hahn, doesn’t your jurisdiction end at the borders of Suffolk county?” I snapped.

Michael said gently, “Ordinarily. A local officer is meeting me. I have his assurance of a warrant if I need one. If I don’t receive cooperation.”

“Well, gee, now you’re scaring me. This must be a dangerous place if you’ve got cooperating officers and warrants and all.” To punctuate my sarcasm, I gestured widely to point out the splashing children, the chattering parents, and even a group of geriatric bingo players visible through the glass atrium doors.

Michael stiffened.

I swallowed hard, knowing my ranting wouldn’t help Ilene.

Michael, his patience infuriating me, waited. He always did have excellent manners. I managed to produce a more subdued tone. After all, I was begging. “This is Thanksgiving weekend at a family resort. Tonight’s couple hours of entertainment means prosperity or starvation to Pearl, but not just that. When Ilene sings tonight, to open Pearl’s show, she’ll be showing her devotion to the only person who ever loved her. And we all saw how she’s crumbling. This might be her last chance for a long while. Don’t take it away from her. You want to arrest the real bad guys, arrest the ones who tore Ilene apart years ago. Michael. Please. Are you that anxious to fill a jail cell? Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”

His eyes narrowed as he looked at me, but he remained silent.

“Rachel,” began Mrs. Risk again, patiently. “You’re right to be worried for Ilene, but more than you know is hovering in the balance. There is a chance of danger tonight. Ilene’s seriously unstable. Beneath her quiet behavior, she’s hysterical. You might even say terrified.”

“Of what?” Michael asked.

Mrs. Risk grimaced. “Of hell.”

“She’s already in hell,” I stated flatly.

Michael made another small scribble in his notebook and I slapped it from his hands, wishing I could bloody his nose and get away with it. Wishing we’d never come to Krasner’s. Wishing I’d never met Mrs. Risk. His ball-point pen went flying into the pool and settled on the bottom.

Even though no flicker of emotion was revealed in his face, I knew suddenly that I’d hurt him. And even though I supposed I ought to be sorry, I couldn’t manage it. Nothing was simple anymore. Dislike, like. Loyalty, friendship. Love.

Michael bent to retrieve the notebook, then turned and stalked away, his long-legged strides somehow expressing frustration. And dignity.

Without thinking, I laid my arm around Charlie’s waist and shivered. He held me close. I soon drew back, but I felt immense gratitude for that moment and wished I could have shared it with Ilene.

I felt numb. I despised that I knew about Ilene’s approaching destruction and that I didn’t know how to help her. If anything could help her. My voice grated on my ears as I said, “And I had the nerve to criticize Pearl’s friends. I guess we fit right in, after all.”

Mrs. Risk’s black eyes gleamed strangely. “Rachel, I admit, Michael showed up inopportunely, but he would’ve had to be informed eventually. It’s not as if what he heard made any ultimate difference to his plans.”

I looked at her oddly. “Are you trying to get me to feel okay about this? You want me to say, ‘yeah, I see how it is’?”

“What else do you think she should have done?” Charlie asked me.

I shook my head, too upset to think clearly.

Mrs. Risk frowned. “I do wish Michael hadn’t arrived just then for another reason. I wanted to see that she got safely back to her room.” She stared at the atrium door for a moment. “Well. She’s probably okay for now.”

“You mean Ilene? Why? You think she might harm herself?” asked Charlie.

“Rachel said it. She’s crumbling. The pressures of a lifetime have finally overcome her control. I don’t know what she’ll do, but I can guess this: on this one crucial night, if Pearl experiences one more set-back, no matter how minor, Ilene will be very capable of murdering, then. Her present state is highly precarious. I pleaded with Michael to wait to make his arrest, not to disturb tonight’s show. I can only hope he’ll do it. We must do all we can to help Ilene get through her final performance.”

“Her final performance?” he blurted.

“And then we hand Ilene over to Michael like Judases.” My voice sounded harsh, even to me.

Mrs. Risk looked at me with alarm, opened her mouth to speak.

I twisted away from the two of them and ran from the pool atrium, away from the reminder of the evil that people do to each other, especially in the name of friendship, especially for their own good.

Behind me I heard Mrs. Risk’s voice say, “Let her go, Charlie. She has upsetting things to think over, but she’ll be all right.”

I fled the doting grandmother and the innocent baby girl.

A
ND THAT’S HOW I
came to be out here. I’d had my belly-full of everyone explaining events to me, as if understanding things made them acceptable. That’s a cruel joke. People tell victims, ‘to understand is to forgive,’ but they really mean they want you to condone, to achieve more comfortable feelings about being victimized. More comfortable for who? For the ones who were guilty of being cruel, or vicious, or of violating innocence in some way, that’s who! The guilty ones want you to ‘get over it’ and get on with your life! It makes things easier for them!