The Wicked Game (A Wicked Game Novel) (20 page)

“Servants may know things that most people do not, but even still they only know what is spoken of… So we spoke what we wanted them to hear. We even kept the truth from your Grandfather… At this time your parents were still planning on leaving as soon as you were born, but well, you know what happened…”

She cleared her throat, visibly affected by her confession, before she continued. “When your mother died, a piece of him went with her. He loved her so much and so completely and the loss of her was his undoing. She was gone and with her his heart…but you were still here—” her voice caught in her throat, “He ached when he looked at you and so he sent you away secretly with a wet nurse for a long time. It was only by my doing that he married again—I thought that perhaps it would restore his heart—but then she died too. Two wives gone…”

Andrew was beginning to feel dizzy at this point and so he sat down with his head propped up against his hand.

“His second marriage happened so quickly and he had sent you away so fast that the truth of the matter had not come out—his first marriage, your mother, you—they were still secrets and it seemed that is how he wanted it. And then James was born and still your father said nothing. I was the only other person who knew and I urged him, pleaded with him to reveal the truth but his mind was set and my hands were tied…” She paused. “I believe that deep down he felt that what he was doing was best. That if he did not acknowledge you then you would never have to know the pain he felt over you and the loss of your mother and you would never have to face the cruelty of the social world he so much despised… but I could not accept that…”

“
So you made me a bond servant?
”

Lady Dillard raised her head and squared her shoulders with determination. “I decided to bring you back into our home against his wishes, hoping again that it would repair his heart and he would find it in himself to tell the truth. But I feared that if I did not find some way to assure that he could not dismiss you or cast you out that he
would
, and you would be gone to us forever. So I went to your Grandfather and created a story of a great debt your mother owed us that had been left unpaid at her death. Your Grandfather was nothing if not stingy and he readily agreed to bring you back as a bond servant on your mother’s debt… It was not the ideal way. I know that, but it was the only way considering the situation. It was the best way I could assure your upbringing and provide you some measure of care and love.” She stifled a laugh. “Your father was furious! But there was nothing he could do. The only way he could contest was to tell the truth. I had him trapped…In the end though it seems he could not take this secret to his grave after all, though I wish I had been able to force it from him sooner…”

They both cried then and sometime later Andrew understood. “Thank you… grandmother.”

She loved him and it felt wonderful.

At least someone did…

…And that would have to be enough for him…

Angela was sitting in the window seat of her rooms early the next morning, thinking of what had passed the day before when she saw Mary arrive. She had just assured herself that the events with her parents had been justified when the carriage pulled up to the entrance of the house and Mary exited. A smile spread across Angela’s face as she saw her beloved cousin and friend smooth her skirt and look up at the windows of the estate with glee. Angela was sure that Mary could not see her but she stood up ecstatically and waved out the window anyway. She patted her belly enthusiastically and she saw Mary smile. Perhaps she could see her after all, and Angela squealed in ecstasy.

Angela had waited four months to have someone to share her real feelings with. She had become quite close with Lady Dillard in the past few months but no friendship could compare to the one she had with her cousin. Angela sighed. If this had happened at another time, perhaps before Andrew had become an Earl, perhaps before the truth had come out, then maybe Angela could have confided in her husband. She didn’t know how many wives had the opportunity to do such a thing but their situation had been different… before.

Of course she and Andrew had talked about the baby, it was only natural for them to do so, but that was pretty much all they had talked about for almost four months. It was not long now before the baby would actually be here and these common pleasantries of conversations would not work any longer. In just a few short months there would be a baby, a life that they had created, and that baby would be the heir to an Earldom. That baby would be special.

No!

Angela heard her own voice ring through her mind in a panic. This baby would be special no matter what. This baby would be special if it was an heir or not. This baby would be special if it was a boy or not. For despite what everyone might think, there was a possibility that this baby would not be a boy, and that instead she would give birth to beautiful daughter who would be subjected to the same horrible fate as Angela had been. Her stomach tightened and she fell to her window seat ready to break into tears, but at that very moment Mary came through the door and for a split second in time, the world was right. With great effort, Angela pulled herself up from the seat and flew to Mary who was flying towards her as well. But before she could hug her beloved friend and draw an ounce of comfort, Mary stopped and gasped.

“Oh! Your belly! It’s so… so… beautiful!” And it was with that and a flow of tears that she hugged her cousin, gently, of course. “I can’t believe this! I mean I can! With all the time you must spend together I’m surprised it didn’t happen earlier… Wow…”

“Mary!”

“What? I told you how I felt before! Your husband is…”

“Mary! I did not ask for your presence so that we could debate my husband!”

Mary sat down on the window seat and crossed her arms. “How you wish, dear cousin. But you did not get in this state on your own…”

“Oh I know that well enough!” Now Angela was sitting next to her best friend, one arm around her shoulder and one arm on her own belly. “I just wanted to talk with a kindred spirit. I just wanted to talk about the baby’s future…”

Mary scoffed and nearly choked on her own laughter. “The baby’s future? You are a Countess; your husband an Earl! Your son will have the best of everything. Your son…”

It was at this point that Angela could no longer keep quiet and she cut in.

“
My son?
And what if I don’t have a son? What if I don’t have an heir?” Flowing with passion Angela placed her hands on either side of her cousin’s face and her very soul poured out. “There are two options you know. Everyone assumes that the baby will be a boy… but what if it’s a girl?”

Mary didn’t say a word but Angela knew that she understood. “What kind of mother does that make me? I know very well what the life of a female is. I will love her and so will Andrew, but to everyone else she will be inferior. She will be as I was! I cannot bear that! I cannot let that happen!”

Mary tried to speak but Angela just continued to pour out her heart. “I know Andrew will love her but he is an Earl now, and as much as he loves her he will have to make sure she fulfills her role. He will hate it. I will hate it… But it’s what must happen. It’s what
will
happen!”

Her cousin shook her head furiously. She understood exactly what Angela was saying and feeling and she knew that there was no answer to this problem. There was no way to change one’s fate in a situation such as this. The only way to make this moment better was to lie. And so she did.

“No! No! Angela, this child
will
be a male.”

Angela was shaking her head now. “We can’t know that! We can’t!”

Mary grasped onto her cousin for dear life and held her in place. “Angela, just look at your family! How long did it take for your family to have you? You are destined to have a boy! This child is destined to be an heir!” Mary wrapped her arms around her beloved and squeezed tightly. “Everything will be alright…”

Angela gently placed her hands on top of her growing belly and caressed it as prayers again filled her mind.

***

It was exactly five months into her pregnancy when Angela truly connected with her child for the first time. It started out the same as any other morning. Angela had risen early, and alone, as always. She dressed, alone, and then made her way down the stairs to have breakfast. She sat down at the table, alone, and began to eat her breakfast. She sighed.

There had been a time when solitude had been a welcome sanctuary in her life. There had been a time when her own self assurance and control was what mattered most. She still cherished her freedom above all else but as her life began to move forward and change, she felt something strange within her soul. Her pregnancy had covered much of that ache but somehow, there was still something wrong deep within her essence.

But by the time the maid had come back to clear the table, Angela could no longer think about this ache inside of her because another strange feeling was beginning. When the feeling didn’t go away after several minutes she finally decided to retire back to her room and rest, but as she laid down the unusual feeling did not cease. Instead it grew. She tossed and turned in the bed before finally going to her window seat to read, hoping to take her mind off of the situation. She had just picked up her book when it happened. She not only felt but
saw
her abdomen jump. She gasped and her hands flew to her belly, delicately cradling it as if the baby were actually right there in her arms, all soft and pink and precious.

“Oh. Oh,” was all she managed before the tears began to wash over her cheeks.

***

Andrew locked himself inside his study and sat down at his desk to think. He had placed it strategically in front of the east facing window, the only window in the room that didn’t face directly into the bustling city. When he had lived at this house the first time he had always loved looking out windows on this side of the manor. At that time, just seeing the grass and the trees and the animals running wild reminded him of the freedom that did exist in the world.

He had been free once…

But the moment he had agreed to live this life he had known the consequences. His life would, once again, no longer be his own. What a strange realization. Here he was, an Earl for God’s sake, and he was not in charge of his life! Who would have thought? When a person thinks of nobility they think of freedom and choice, but that is not so. Andrew had grown up around it and so he knew this reality, but the extent of the captivity was something he could not have ever imagined until he was thrown into it himself.

Sometimes he wished…

No. It was almost a sin.

But… he couldn’t remove it from the depths of his mind.

He almost wished he was still a bond servant. At least then he had privacy. At least then he had been left alone.

That was no more, and right now, he was exhausted.

In was in moments like this that he knew his life was held together by only a tiny thread. This thread had changed identity from time to time in his life and right now, the only bonds that held his life in place were the thoughts of his child. His heir. His son.

Son.

The very thought of the word sent a thrill swarming through his body. He actually shivered at the image. Andrew was going to be a father and someone else cared beside him and his wife!

Son.

Yes, it might not be the ideal life. It might not be the life Andrew had hoped to raise a son in, but at least his son would have a choice. At least his son…

Andrew pounded his hands on his desk with all the ferocity he could muster, and then he stood up and screamed in revelation.

What if this child was not a son? What if this child was a daughter? It had never occurred to him of the other choice. No one ever considered the other choice, after all; especially not a man of nobility who was expected to produce an heir. It was at that very moment that it hit him. Deep down inside he knew that he had never really cared if this child was a boy or a girl. No matter what he would love his child unconditionally and do everything in his power to protect it from the coldness that existed in the world; the coldness that both he and Angela had faced.

No
he
didn’t care if the child was a boy or a girl, but
society
would care.

The very thought made him sick.

The very thought of what the future might hold for his child send a wave of pain and fear through his body. Had Angela come to the same realization? And before he knew where his feet were leading him, Andrew was on his way to find his wife and his child and let them know that everything was going to be fine.

***

The last person Angela had been expecting to see this morning was her husband. She had just settled peacefully into her normal routine which consisted of sitting in the sunlit window seat of her rooms, reading her favorite book. She had just gotten to the best part of the story, the part where the main characters live happily ever after, when the door to her room opened without warning and her own knight in shining armor strode in.

Her first reaction had been to scold him; husband or not this was her room and he should at least have the respect to knock before entering. But when she looked into his eyes her heart melted. Those baby blues were misted over just like the grass after a soft rain. Something was definitely on his mind…

And he had come to her.

Her stomach fluttered and for the first time in months she attributed it to something other than the movement of her child. Her husband needed her.
Her
. And for some reason that she did not understand, her entire body went faint.

As he stepped closer to her, she felt a bead of sweat begin to roll down her forehead. She pulled her handkerchief from her pocket and quickly wiped the tell-tale sign from her face. Why had she done this? What, exactly, was she afraid of?

Afraid.