The Way You Say My Name (18 page)

Ash lowered his head. "Could you stay with me while I open it? I . . . I'm all alone here. My dad won't be home for another week, and--" He broke off, but not before Dillon heard the trembling in his voice.
Jamie trekked back across the room. "Is that why all the lights are on? Because you feel a little less lonely?"
Ash looked up. "Yeah. How did you know?"
"I used to turn all the lights on at Aunt Sadie's, right after my mom left." Jamie smiled. "Used to drive my aunt crazy, but I think she understood."
Ash was so miserable, Dillon could feel it, even from where he stood. "It's always been like this. My mom is busy with her new husband and their kids, and my dad . . . well, I know he loves me, but he's got his own thing goin' on. Know what I mean?"
Jamie nodded and reclaimed his seat on the couch. Dillon joined him, and then looked to Ash. "Where's Chad? I thought you two always spent the weekends hangin' out."
"He wanted to, but I didn't feel like it. I haven't felt much like partying since, well, you know."
"Since Ben died?"
The look Ash gave Jamie was heartbreaking, even to Dillon. "Yeah. Not since then."
Dillon couldn't stand it. "Look, Ash. You and I have sorta been friends most of our lives."
"So?"
Dillon leaned forward. "So, friends tell each other stuff. Talk to us, man. Tell us what happened."
Still holding the letter, Ash leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes. "There's not a whole heck of a lot to tell. I've known I was probably gay for a while now, but except for the occasional blowjob at one of those rest stop glory holes out on the interstate, I haven't really done anything about it. When the urge got too bad, I'd go out there, get my rocks off, and be finished until the next time. That's where I met Ben. Well, not met him, exactly. I mean, I knew him from school, but the rest stop is the first place we ever hooked up."
When Ash paused, Dillon said, "Not to be an ass, but what about all those girls you're always, um . . ."
"Screwing? Cause that's all it ever was." Ash opened his eyes. "Sure, I've had lots of sex with a lot of girls, but I never used any of them. Every single one knew that I wasn't gonna make a commitment. And I wasn't using them as a cover. I like girls--even like the sex--just not as much as I do with guys."
Jamie nodded. "You're probably bisexual, then, with a preference for men."
Ash closed his eyes and leaned back again. "Probably, but none of that really matters, anymore. I don't want to be with anybody, male or female. All I wanted was Ben. Then he dumped me, and before I could make it right, he died."
Jamie's whole body went rigid. "Wait a minute. What do you mean 'Ben dumped you?'"
"Just what I said. We met that night, after the dance. I'd seen that kiss he gave you. I got so pissed, I ended up telling Ben I wanted him to make a choice: me or you." Ash opened his eyes again and glanced at Jamie. "I know that was the wrong thing to do, especially since I'd just gotten done feeling up Blair Dees on our way into the gym. But Ben was the one who wanted to keep things light. He suggested that I keep dating girls--keep sexing them up--so no one would get suspicious. Hell, I guess I was using girls as a cover, after all. Nothing like fucking a woman at your boyfriend's request." Ash laughed, but the sound held about as much joy as a public execution. "After I saw him lay that kiss on you, I realized just how much I had to lose if I lost Ben. I begged him to stay with me, to make some kind of commitment. I even told him I was ready to come out, to tell everyone about us, my father included. He freaked out when I told him. Said he didn't want that with me. He walked away from me, but not before telling me he never wanted to see me again."
Jamie looked more confused than Dillon had ever seen him. "Ash, are you sure about that, about what he said, I mean? Think real hard. Ben told me the exact opposite of what you're saying now." Ash looked at Jamie like he was crazy, but there was no malice in his voice when he said, "Of course I'm sure. It's not everyday a man loses the only person he's ever really loved. Why do you think I spent the next twelve hours calling him every thirty minutes, begging him to meet me at the foreman's house so we could talk? He finally gave in somewhere around call number twenty-three. I guess he was on his way to meet me when he was hit by that car."
Jamie looked like he wanted to say something, but Ash must not have noticed. Dillon saw it, though. It took him a minute, but the pieces eventually clicked. If Ben was on his way to meet Ash, what was he doing out on Tully Road, in the opposite direction from Tanner Textile?
Ash picked up the envelope again, holding it with a firmer grip this time. "You really don't know what's in here?" When Jamie shook his head, Ash said, "Might as well find out," and tore into it.
Dillon watched as Ash pulled a folded piece of white paper and what looked like an envelope from one of those twenty-four-hour photo places out of the larger envelope. Dillon remembered Ben's words from the letter Jamie had read to him over the phone. I took something from him I had no right to take or something like that. He had a bad feeling about what could be in that photo package. Dillon was about to suggest that Ash go for the letter first, but it was a moot point. Ash reached for the paper first, anyway.
Ash didn't even make it to the first line before he started tearing up. He held the paper out in front of himself. "Would you read it? I don't think I can."
Dillon wasn't sure if Ash was talking to him or Jamie, but judging from the look on Jamie's face, he was in no better shape to read it than Ash. Swallowing hard, Dillon leaned over and took the letter from Ash's hand. Clearing his throat, Dillon began to read.
"Dear Ash, I've done a lot of really bad shit in my life, but I can honestly say I've never felt guilty about any of it. Not until now, that is. Most of the guys I screwed over had it coming. The way I see it, they got what they deserved. But not you. The only real crime you committed was getting mixed up with a hustler. Yeah, that's me. I was a hustler, Ash. A whore. I was pretty damn good at it, too, if I do say so myself. Where do you think I learned all those little tricks I used on you? Come on, admit it. That ass flexing thing I used to do drove you wild." Dillon stopped long enough to wince. Definitely too much information. He sighed and continued reading. "I can't take all the credit, though. I learned from the best, a guy named Burke Carpenter. Burke was my foster father/pimp. Hell of a guy, let me tell you. Actually, as far as pimps go, he wasn't so bad. He started me early, and by the time I was fifteen, I was pulling in the cash. Not that I ever saw any of it. Burke gave his boys just enough for clothes and food. At first it seemed like an okay deal, but the older I got, the more I got tired of sucking cock and bending over just to make some guy who's supposed to be taking care of me rich. That's why I finally ran away. I was picked up and sent to Nora's, and from there, you know the rest. Just thinking about how much money I lost to that guy makes me mad, so I'm gonna shut up about him. Before I do, though, there's one more thing I have to tell you about good ole' Burke."
"Burke might have been a sleaze, but he was damned smart for a piece of slime. Burke always said, 'Diversify your interests.' I had no idea what that meant when I was fifteen, but now I know that it's the same thing Nora means when she says, 'Never put all your eggs in one basket.' Anyway, Burke's idea of diversifying his interests was to tape his boys having sex with their clients. We aren't talking your average clients here, either. Some of the guys were city leaders, police officers, trust fund babies. Burke had a stable of wealthy regulars. Why do you think no one's ever been able to shut him down? He has too many satisfied customers in high places for that to ever happen. Like I said, Burke is smart. He never counted on just the income he made from whoring us out. He'd tape these guys having sex with us, and then use the tapes for leverage. Not only would he get the fee they paid him to 'do' us, but he'd have something he could use against them later on. Like I said, sometimes he'd flat-out ask for money, but most of the time it was favors he was after. I may have hated the guy, but he was a good teacher, and I'm a quick study. I decided to diversify my own interests. That's where you come in."
Dillon felt like he was gonna throw up. He knew what was coming. Apparently, Ash did, too. Dillon looked across the coffee table. Ash was a sickly shade of white, but it was his expression that chilled Dillon to the bone. Rather, his lack of expression. Not a single one of the thousand emotions Ash had to be feeling was written on his face. In a dry monotone, Ash said, "Keep reading. Finish it." Dillon looked to Jamie. The pain on his face was evident, but Jamie only nodded, giving Dillon the signal to do what Ash said. With little choice, Dillon picked up where he'd left off.
"J was always telling me that I was better than most people thought, but I knew that wasn't right. I know myself for what I am, well, was: a hustler who's always looking out for the bottom line. You deserve to know the whole truth, so I'm gonna tell you, as bad as it is."
"Our little meeting at the rest stop was no accident. Oh, the first time I saw you there, I had no idea you were gay, but I soon found out. I saw you and another guy sucking each other off in one of the bathroom stalls. Those glory holes do come in handy. I knew you were rich, so I staked you out. Took me about two months of ground work, but I finally engineered a run in with you. I built our relationship slowly, and the minute I had your trust, I knew we were ready for phase two: fucking. You helped by choosing the Mill for our meeting spot. Lots of places to hide a camera in that old foreman's house. I'm not as high-tech as Burke was, so I went for one of those time lapse thirty-five-millimeter cameras, the kind that can be set to take pictures every few minutes. I'd set the timer before you got there, get you all hot and bothered, and by the time we were both naked--slide show city."
"I took the pics to one of those one-hour-photo places and trotted them down to your dad's office. Told him unless he wanted to see his son's ass plastered all over the Net and beyond, he'd pay up. Since I didn't need any favors, I asked for cold, hard cash. Your dad forked it over without even putting up a fight. My plan worked better than I'd ever dreamed. The only problem was, I grew to like you too much."
"I'm what Nora always called a one-man-man. She claimed that no matter how much I screwed around, there would always be one special guy who held my heart. She was right about that. I wish that guy could have been you, but the truth is, James Walker had me wrapped around his finger from day one. Just because I couldn't love you, though, doesn't mean I didn't care. Okay, I didn't at first. To me you were just a red-hot fuck/meal ticket. But as I got to know you--as a person, not just as a wallet--I realized that what I was doing was seriously fucked up. When you started telling me you loved me and begging me not to break up with you, I lost it. That's why I broke things off. Don't get me wrong. I didn't feel bad enough to give back the money, but I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. Who knows? Maybe doing that one decent thing will get me into Heaven. I used to believe that if there was a God, he wouldn't waste his time on me, but meeting J changed all that. Only God could send someone like him to a guy like me. Anyway, in the inner envelope you'll find the only copies of the pictures I took. Well, besides the ones I gave to your dad, but I'm sure he destroyed those the first chance he got. Just so you know, your father didn't seem to be upset by the fact that you were gay, Ash. He was mad as hell that I was using you, but the gay thing didn't seem to enter into it. He may have a hard time showing it, but the guy really does love you. He said he'd do anything to protect his son. When you read this letter, try to remember that someone really does care about you. Even if I was never able to. I'd say I'm sorry, but you'd never believe it after all this--Ben."

Dillon refolded the letter, at a total loss about what to say next. Gee, Ash sorry your boyfriend took pictures of the two of you going at it like bunnies and then blackmailed your father. Somehow, that didn't seem to cover it. Dillon looked to Jamie, who seemed every bit as lost as he did. Ash was the only one of them who looked like he was still in control. He stood up and started towards the door, without ever even looking at the pictures.
Jamie stood, too. "Where are you going?"
"To take a whiz. Why, you wanna come hold it for me?"
Normally, Dillon would have laughed over such a smart-assed comment, but there was nothing funny about the flat, even tone Ash used when he said it. Dillon said, "You okay, man?"
Ash shrugged. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be? So I got fucked. So what? Won't be the last time."
Jamie reached out to him. "Ash, we'd understand if you weren't exactly okay with this. I mean--"
"Look, Walker, can this wait until I get back. Unless you want to come in there with me while I piss, it'll have to." He left before either one of them could say anything else.
Jamie collapsed back against the couch. Dillon held up his arm and Jamie scooted underneath until the two of them were pressed as tightly together as possible.
Dillon smoothed his fingers through Jamie's hair. "How you holding up?"
Jamie sighed and buried his face in Dillon's side. "I'm not crazy about the fact that my best friend was a blackmailer, or that he left me the money. God, who am I kidding? It makes me sick to my stomach." He turned his face back up to look at Dillon. "Want to know the worst part, though?"
"You know I do."
"The worst part is, it doesn't change anything. Even knowing what Ben did, I still care about him. I still see him the way he was with me. Does that make me a horrible person?"
"Nope. It makes you, you. Like I told you before, you're one of the most forgiving people I've ever met. You always see the good side of folks."
Jamie leaned back against Dillon's arm and closed his eyes. "I just hope Ash is able to move past all this. The way he looked just then scared the hell out of me." Jamie opened his eyes again and sat up. "Speaking of Ash, he's been gone a little too long to suit me. I'm gonna go check on him."
"Want me to go with you?"
"No, he'll just feel like we're ganging up on him. Where's the closest bathroom in this place?"
"Down the hall and to the left, I think."
"Gottcha." Jamie stood up, pausing just long enough to give Dillon a light peck on the lips. That Jamie was able to be affectionate in the middle of all this was a gift to Dillon. He only hoped Ash could find the same thing with someone. Someone who was actually able to love him back this time.
Jamie had been gone for less than a minute when Dillon heard him screaming. "Oh, God. Dillon, help me, please!"
Dillon was down the hall and to the bathroom in two seconds. Jamie was holding on to Ash's legs as Ash sagged like a rag doll from what looked like a belt lashed to the railing for the glass shower doors. Unfortunately, in keeping with the scale of the house, whoever designed the bathroom oversized the shower stall, making the top of the thick brass railing only about two feet shorter than the bathroom's nine foot ceiling. Jamie was doing his best to hold Ash up so he could breath, but he was staggering under Ash's weight. Dillon ran to help, taking Ash's body on himself. The stool Ash had used to stand on while he tethered the belt was still within reach. Jamie picked it up and stood on his tiptoes to unbuckle and untie the thick leather. The minute Ash was loose, Dillon lowered him to the floor and pulled the belt free of his neck. Ash was breathing, but barely. His pulse was almost nonexistent as Dillon whipped his cell phone out of his pocket and called nine-one-one. He prayed to God they got there in time.
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