The Vow (25 page)

“I don’t even know Mo.”

“But I hurt you to help him. I would understand if you hated him. Or me.”

“I will never hate you. I’ve already tried. And you’re not in love with him, right?”

“No.”

“And you never actually . . . cheated on me?”

“No.”

He pulls his hands away and I’m instantly colder. “Unreal,” he mutters. “But what about the people who really know you? I mean, your parents—they must know.”

I shake my head.

“
What?
They think you’re actually married?”

“Shh!”
I glance around. The barista is playing a game on her phone, and the middle-aged types are no longer typing but having a real conversation with each other. “I
am
actually married. They just don’t know that Mo and I aren’t . . . you know.”

“What about your dad being so overprotective? They’ve got to at least suspect.”

“Being overprotective of me is not the same as knowing me.”

“But you wouldn’t even let me meet your dad. He must’ve completely freaked out over this.”

“He did.” I sniff and wipe my cheeks with my palms. I’m finished crying. “My parents have always thought Mo was trying to get into my pants. Especially my dad. It’s like they can’t imagine that he just likes me as a person. And the fact that he’s Muslim freaks them out because they don’t know many Muslims. Or any Muslims. Whatever.”

“So they bought it.”

“Yeah. They bought it because it was their worst nightmare come true.”

He nods, processing this.

“We aren’t exactly talking right now. They think I’ve been brainwashed and kidnapped by jihadists—I think they should make an effort to be slightly less racist.”

“And your friends?”

“
Mo
is my friend.” I’m over being embarrassed by how this sounds—like he’s my only friend—because it’s been true for so long. “Everyone else is just whatever. And they all think we’ve been secretly together for years anyway.”

“I can’t believe . . .” He reaches out and strokes the back of my hand with his fingertips like it’s instinct, like he can’t not do it. And it’s a few delicious seconds before I realize that I’m in public and jerk my hand back. I glance around, but I don’t think anybody saw.

“Right,” he says flatly.

I swallow and, with my eyes, plead for him to understand. “The worst part has been hurting you. I hated letting you think I cheated on you and making you hate me. I can’t change anything about how things are now, but I still miss you.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“We promised we wouldn’t tell anyone, and what would it have done? It wouldn’t have made it any easier. I’d be in the same position I’m in now, and I have no idea where we go from here. Nowhere really. I’m committing a felony. Mo and I will have an interview in a couple of months, and if they think there’s something fishy going on, we could be investigated.”

“Is that likely, though? It seems like the government has bigger threats to worry about than some kid in Elizabethtown, Kentucky.”

“He’s a seventeen-year-old Muslim male, born in the Middle East. According to the lawyer, that means we don’t get to slip through the cracks. And considering the timing of his dad’s visa running out, and his family leaving, and our age, they might really send people out to snoop around.”

“You still should’ve told me.”

“But what if you were mad or sad or indifferent and told someone about it?” I shake my head. “You remember a second ago when you touched my hand?”

He looks at my hands now, wrapped safely around my cup, held close to me. “Yeah.”

“That’s why I didn’t tell you. If anyone in this armpit-sized town finds out I’m not in love with my husband, that’s it.”

“But now I do know.”

“Now you do know.” I sigh. “And we’re sitting at Starbucks together. Alone.”

“Is that really such a big deal?”

“Happily married newlyweds don’t get coffee at night with guys they used to go out with. At least not here.”

Reed looks around. The middle-agers are back to gazing into screens. “You want to leave?”

Yes. No. Yes. But leaving Starbucks puts me one step closer to saying good night to Reed, and good night has to be good-bye. So no. I never want to leave.

“Let’s go,” he says.

We make it to the car without touching. But once the doors are shut, he slides his fingers through mine and pulls my hand to rest on his leg. It doesn’t feel wrong. We’re completely alone, and it feels necessary and perfect. For the entire length of the drive I focus on the heat between our palms. Nothing else.

Reed pulls into the Kroger parking lot, and I feel his fingers tighten slightly. “I don’t see your car.”

I point to Mo’s. “I . . . gave the Explorer back.”

He doesn’t say anything, just shakes his head and pulls up next to the Camry.

It’s time to go. I can do this, piece by piece. I start by letting go of his hand. “Thank you for the coffee. And for listening and not hating me. And for not telling anyone—”

But he’s too close. His finger draws a line beneath my chin, turning my head to him, and stopping the words in my throat. “Nobody is going to find out if I give you one kiss.”

My heart is beating so loud I can’t hear my thoughts. He’s right. But I can’t lean in to him because there’s something worse than someone finding out. There’s ripping open my heart at all its ragged edges, only to be scraped out all over again.

“Just one,” he says.

I don’t say yes, but I can’t say no. He kisses me so soft and slow I forget everything. There’s a black night, a dark car, and the perfect rhythm of us.

Just one. But just one kiss can last and last and push and pull, so that even after he takes his mouth away from mine it’s still happening.

He brushes my lower lip with his thumb, then kisses where he touched it. “I can’t call you, can I?” he says.

I bite my lip and shake my head. He kisses my lip where I bit it.

“So will you come find me, then?”

I’m not sure if he’s asking or telling, but I nod. I want this. I’ll come.

Chapter 26

Mo

I
’ll go,” I say.

Sarina’s sigh is ridiculous—long and loud and practically musical. I picture her lying on a couch, hugging a throw pillow, her usual phone-talking position. At least it used to be. “Thank you,” she says.

“Don’t thank me until I actually do it. There’s always a chance I’ll forget. So I just swing by the dance studio and ask for the spring recital picture?”

“Yeah. Miss Deena will know which one. She showed it to me, but she wanted to get all the girls to sign it, except people were already on vacation, and then we left so quickly.”

“Why don’t you just have her email it to you?”

“Because I want the one with the real signatures on it, and I think she framed it for me. Haven’t you been listening?”

“Yeah. Fine. I’ll do it tomorrow,” I say, poking around in Annie’s laundry basket. I can’t clean the kitchen without a rag, and I can’t get a rag without digging through Annie’s freshly washed whites, and I can’t dig through whites without inadvertently touching panties, and I can’t touch panties because the minute I do, Annie’s going to come walking through the door and yell,
Why are you touching my panties, pervert?

“I didn’t realize how few pictures I have of me dancing,” Sarina says.

I push the basket away. I’ll use paper towels instead. “So have someone take some.”

“There’s not exactly a ballet studio on every corner,” she says, her voice dull and gray. Not unlike the canned mushroom soup I just tried to eat, actually. But Sarina’s bad moods always come out with a disturbing lack of volume. “Or anyone to take them,” she adds. “And I don’t even know which box all my dance stuff ended up in.”

“You should do what Annie and I are doing tonight.”

“Please don’t say putting on leotards and jumping around.”

“Do-it-yourself bridal portraits. We need them for our interview.”

“That actually sounds like fun,” she muses between bites of something crunchy.

“If by fun you mean torture, then yes. But you could probably steal Dad’s camera and figure out how to use the timer. You know, if you really wanted ballet shots.”

“That is such a lame idea.”

“Fine, don’t,” I say. “How is Dad, by the way?”

“Fine.”

“Of course. Actually”—I pause, knowing I’m about to sound pitiful—“just tell me, is he, like, ever worried about me?”

There’s silence on the other end. Maybe she’s chewing. I wait.

“About
you
?” she asks, a strangely cynical hint to her voice. “Living the American dream, with your own apartment and car and friends and future? Gee, I don’t know. The last time Dad and I girl-talked he said he worried about you all the time. And then we braided each other’s hair and had a pillow fight.”

Sarina and sarcasm. Sarcasm and Sarina. The entire world is rippling under the weight of that inconsistency. I’m not sure whether to backpedal or play along. My other option would be hiding, as Armageddon is undoubtedly upon us.

“I can’t believe you just asked me that,” she continues. “What’s the matter with you?”

Lots of things are the matter with me, but I’d rather talk about what the matter with her is. She hasn’t tried to pick a fight with me since middle school. “I’m an insensitive jerk?” I suggest.

“Well, as long as you realize it,” she mumbles.

This is going so much worse than I thought it would. “Tell me about school.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That bad?”

“No. I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“Dad said you’re taking Arabic classes at night. Is it coming back?”

“WHAT PART OF I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?”

“I didn’t know Arabic classes were off-limits too! I’m just trying to find something good to talk to you about!”

“And there’s your problem,” she says. “I don’t have anything good to talk about. If you need to talk about
good
things, you should talk to Mom. She’s great at lying to herself and others. You know what? I’ll go get her for you.”

“Sarina,” I say, but she’s gone. I stare at the laundry basket for at least ten seconds before I recognize what I’m looking at. Yeah, that’s a bra. With straps and hooks and lace around the edges of cups the shape of half-moons—

“Mo!”

I shove the basket away with my foot. “Mom.”

“Darling! How are you? I’ve missed you so much this week. What with Sarina starting back up at school, and your uncle Ahmed’s family swarming this place, it’s been . . .”

She prattles on, and I check out, because Mom is still Mom, even if she’s on the happy side of her swing. But Sarina is not still Sarina. Not at all. The probability of her having been abducted by aliens is unlikely, which means either something specific happened to upset her, or the thousands of sucky little things that she’s been ignoring have suddenly sunk her.

It wasn’t even anything she said as much as it was her voice being so small and bitter. Until she went ballistic, that is, and then it was loud and bitter.

“Mom.” I interrupt her midsentence, no clue what she’s even talking about. “What’s the matter with Sarina?”

She pauses. “Nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like it. Is she right there or something?”

“Yes.”

“Then go somewhere else so you can talk to me.”

“Uh, okay.” And then, “Sure, I’ll go look for it for you.”

“Nice one,” I say.

On the other end voices approach and recede, doors open and close, then Mom’s hushed voice. “There’s nothing wrong with Sarina. She’s just had a tough week and doesn’t need to hear me talking on the phone about it. But she’s doing her best to fit in, and when people get to know her and realize how sweet she is, she’ll have plenty of fr—”

“So she’s not fitting in.”

“She’s not going to fit in.” The drop in her voice is the first sign she isn’t totally delusional. “I think the fact that she’s spent so long in America probably fascinates most kids here, but fascination isn’t always good. I don’t have to tell you that not everyone loves America.”

I blink and remember the looks on my cousins’ faces when they decided my red-white-and-blue basketball shoes and stories about swimming with girls made me the worst kind of traitor. “How do you know all this? She didn’t tell me anything.” I don’t add that Sarina never tells my mom anything.

“There was a little altercation this week. She’s fine, but it upset her.”

“Altercation.” Satan’s Cat appears out of the kitchen and sidles up to the laundry basket, rubs his cheek on the bra cup.

“She’s fine,” Mom reassures me.

“You said that already. Why do I need to know she’s fine?”

“Well, apparently somebody threw a rock at her outside of the school two days ago. Or a couple of rocks. I don’t know. But she’s fine.”

“Stop saying she’s fine! Rocks? Are we talking pebbles or bricks? Was she hurt?”

“There was a gash on her cheek that required stitches, but the doctor said it’s superficial and should heal nicely. She really is going to be fi—”

“She’s not fine!”
I shout.
“You’re not fine when people are throwing rocks at you!”

Satan’s Cat hisses, and before I can think it through, I pick up the remote and hurl it. It misses her and she hisses again, louder this time, with her entire body arched and poised for battle.

For reasons I don’t understand, I hiss back.

“Mo?”

I hold my ground. Satan’s Cat gives a feral yelp, then scampers into the kitchen.

I’m too angry to speak. This must be where “seeing red” comes from, being so angry that red bleeds over all the other colors in your brain, turning the whole world into a monochromatic bloodbath.

“Mo?”

“I can’t believe you let that happen,” I say. “I can’t believe you’re pretending that’s not a big deal.”

Her response is the slightest sniffle, the first raindrop before a torrential storm.

I should apologize. Except I don’t want to. I want somebody to be protecting my sister, and I want to hate myself a little less right now.

So I let my mom cry.

When she says she should go, I don’t stop her. I want her to go. I also want her to get a grip and start acting like Sarina’s mother, but I don’t say it.
Good-bye. Click.

After, the silence scrapes away at me like cat claws. Annie should’ve been home hours ago, but I can’t call her because we still haven’t gotten around to buying her a new cell phone. Instead I wander from room to room, think about cleaning the kitchen like I promised, think about watching something mind-numbing like golf, think about sacrificing Satan’s Cat to the gods, all just so I don’t have to think about the gash on my sister’s face and people who actually hate her enough to do that to her. They don’t even know her.

I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. Except I can believe it, and the more my mind churns through it, the more I know she never would’ve told me, just like she will never tell me if it happens again. She probably wouldn’t have told anyone if her bleeding face hadn’t done it for her.

What are people saying to her? There’s no way it started with rocks. I know the rules of bullying and escalation, and it starts with words. But, of course, she won’t be talking to me about any of that either, now that we are on entirely different orbits. Skype visits. Phone calls. Emails. It’s all some big effort to pretend that that part of our lives isn’t over, the part where we are siblings under the same roof. Over. I can almost convince myself I’m being dramatic to feel this gutted, but then I remember: She has a gash in her face that’s big enough to need sewing the skin back together, and nobody to tell.

I end up in the bedroom, Annie’s room, curled up on the bed like a baby. It’s not like I’m going to stay here. The guilt is just exhausting, and I’m dying to hide under real sheets and pretend I have a room. A bed. For a few minutes, I can pretend myself back to before the world decided to chew me up and spit me out.

But then I close my eyes, pull the blanket over my head, and inhale. It’s a mistake. The sheets smell like girl. Warm and earthy and vaguely floral, like Annie.

I’m crying. I hate crying, but I’m doing it, not just because I can’t protect Sarina or even know her anymore, but because I chose it. All of it. I chose to let Annie screw over her whole life. Being with her all the time—I’d never have guessed how hard that would be. The longer we live together the more I feel this pull toward her, this ache and certainty that only she can fill the gaping hole left by everyone who’s abandoned me. I want to breathe in her hair. Touch her.

I need to get out of this bed. The land of guilt, that’s where I’m heading. It’s infidelity in reverse—thinking about loving her in ways that we don’t love each other in this marriage. It’s not part of our agreement. It’s betrayal.