The Upside of Being Let Down (new adult romance - 1) (6 page)

(8)

I carried the last box to my car.
Everything was piled in the backseat and it wasn
’
t
until then that I remembered I
’
d
have to sleep in my car. The most comfortable spot would have been the
backseat. I didn
’
t say a
word. I popped the trunk and moved the boxes one by one to the trunk.

I went back into the apartment
hallway one last time and grabbed the rest of my stuff. The blanket and pillow.
I threw it to the backseat and climbed into the driver
’
s seat and sat there.

At least I had my phone back,
right?

I read the message Angela sent to
me. The one Bryan saw first.

I hadn
’
t thought about anything because packing up my car
had been first priority since Bryan left. But then I had the moment of silence
to myself. The moment the let it all sink in again.

I had to text Angela.

Thanks for the talk first.

I sent it.

I waited.

A minute went by. Then another.

I typed some more.

I took everything. I
’
ll sleep in my car tonight.
Thanks

I hit send and waited again.

Literally twenty seconds later,
Angela
’
s bedroom light turned
on. She had been awake the entire time? She had been in her room, listening.
Listening to me at the door. Listening to me calling for her. Listening to me
find my flash drive. Listening to Bryan showing up. Listening to me packing up
my car.

And she just stayed in the
apartment with the lights off.

Pretending.

Pretending to be asleep... not
there... whatever.

Just pretending.

When the living room area light
turned on I had the urge to race back into the apartment and go after the door
again. I could be relentless. I could keep going, knocking, pounding.

The long blinds began to move and I
saw Angela
’
s face appear.

She looked down and our eyes
connected.

I just stared at her.

She just stared at me.

It lasted just a few seconds before
she hurried to close the blinds. Then the living room light went off and a few
seconds after that, her bedroom light went off.

Was that how she planned on living?

What a freaking loser.

I thought about texting her that
but decided against it. She
’
d
be the one who would spend her time looking over shoulder, worrying about me.
That was her choice, not mine.

I started my car and left.

I waved with my middle finger and was
gone.

To the road.

To find a place to sleep.

I went to an abandoned gas station.
It was near what now was my old apartment and it was dark and scary, but a
decent place to sleep. I snuck to the side of the building and parked my car. I
turned the lights off and let the radio surf again. More of the same songs,
talk shows, a baseball game, and dead air. It was late but not super late.
There were plenty of places still open. Fast food for one thing. I could go
grab a sandwich. Or not.

I looked to the backseat and
figured it was best to give in.

The sooner I went to sleep, the
sooner morning would come. Winnie always went home in the morning, always. I
could catch her there, in the safety of the daylight, well before Winnie became
Wicked.

I turned the car completely off and
took the keys out of the ignition. I left them on the front seat and climbed to
the backseat. As I did, my heart raced with a hurtful anger. The last time I
crawled into a backseat was the night I lost my virginity. I had a six month
rule that didn
’
t pan out so
well. How to find out if a guy really liked me or loved me. I thought I could
hold out and control everything. But I didn
’
t.
I lost it, literally. I lost it all. Even the guy.

Because he was in love with Wicked.

I put my pillow near the passenger
backdoor and tried to get comfy.

I looked at the roof of the car and
just waited for sleep.

But it never came.

I turned to my left, facing the
backseat. I tried to bury my face into the seat, hoping it would make me feel
comfortable, but that didn
’
t
work. When I ran out of air, it became hot and smelly.

I turned the other way, facing the
passenger seat.

Still nothing.

I pulled my blanket up over my head
and enjoyed the idea of sleep.

My eyes wanted to close, but that
’
s when all the thoughts came to
me. Everything that had happened. Everything leading to the point of sleeping
in the back of my fucking car.

More so, in the backseat...
being
used
.

I was always used.

By friends.

By family.

By boyfriends.

A lot of it pointed to Wicked and I
tried to hold back any negative feelings towards Wicked but what could I do?

How could I...

“
Come
on, AJ, just a little more...
”

I look into his eyes and they
look real. I mean, they are real. Eyes are real. He can see. He can drive, so
he can see. Right? It all makes sense.

His hand is on my leg so I open
my legs. I like to open my legs for him. I like the feel of his fingers against
me. I like the way he unbuttons my jeans and the way he plays with the line of
my panties before finally touching me.

I touch his leg.

I can tell he
’
s hard.

Rock hard.

I touch him and he groans and
sighs.

“
Fuck,
AJ,
”
he whispers.

His lips touch my ear. His
tongue flicks at my neck.

This is the moment everyone
talks about. The moment when you battle right and wrong. The moment when you
battle yourself even. I set a rule, a golden rule.

Six months.

I
’
m an adult and I can make my own decisions.

I
’
m out of my parents
’
house, in my own dorm at school.

I make all decisions now.

Nobody but me.

And I told myself the day I
stepped into the dorm... six months. That
’
s
how long I
’
d wait
until I
’
d have sex
with someone in love with me.

Tommy loves me.

I can tell.

We
’
re alone.

Totally alone in the dorm.

We
’
re on my bed.

He shifts towards me and I move
my hand away. I balance myself on the bed as Tommy starts to kiss my neck
lower.

There
’
s voices outside the door,
people walking by.

It doesn
’
t feel... romantic.

“
Tommy,
I can
’
t,
”
I whisper.
“
The dorm...
”

“
Is
that it?
”

Tommy looks at me. His hands
touch my face. He pulls me in close and kisses me.

Oh, it tastes good. It
’
s amazing.

Beyond amazing.

My toes curl in my toe socks.

I want him.

I want Tommy.

I want... dare I admit it,
finally... I want to fuck Tommy.

I want Tommy to fuck me.

The kiss ends. Our mouths are
open. We
’
re
breathing against each other
’
s
mouths.

“
I
want you,
”
I say.

Tommy smiles.

If he
’
s a good guy, he
’
ll tell me no, right? He
’
ll tell me it
’
s only been a month and a half.
I clearly explained my rule to him. My six months rule. Yes.

He nods.
“
Come with me then. We
’
ll go for a ride...
”

A ride.

I pulled the covers off my face and
sighed.

Thinking about myself back then,
all those... few years ago... I was so stupid.

Tommy got what he sort of wanted.

He got sex.

And when he ditched me so he could
make a move on Wicked, he got burned. But he had stories. Lots of stories. He
wasn
’
t afraid to talk
either, telling everyone he could about my sister and how he came so close to
scoring with her. It wasn
’
t
true, but I suddenly became the most popular girl on campus.

The one to use.

The one to make out with in order to
get to Wicked.

Or so everyone thought.

I hated guys.

I seriously hated all guys.

Even Bryan.

Yeah, I hated Bryan.

Why?

Because he got involved. If he hadn
’
t ordered his drink right next
to me... it didn
’
t matter
if it was the only open spot at the bar, he could have went somewhere else. He
could have just grew some balls and ordered a drink from a topless waitress.

Did he need to come to the bar?

Did he need to help with that crazy
drunk chick?

Did he have to bring me my cell
phone?

I closed my eyes and held them
shut.

No. I
’
m not opening them again...

The next time I was going to open
my eyes it would be sunny out. It would be another day. A chance to start some
things over and figure it out.

I squeezed my eyes and they hurt.

I needed to open my eyes.

Why, I didn
’
t know, but I did.

I managed maybe twenty seconds and
then opened my eyes.

Fuck.

I couldn
’
t sleep in the car.

Its comfort was non-existent and
the more time I spent in the backseat the more I thought about breaking my six
month rule. More than once too. Because sometimes when you get into a self
destructive cycle you can
’
t
stop. One guy comforts and then another and another. A broken heart could
easily act blind. A saddened mind could easily make up a reality that doesn
’
t exist.

Which is what became of the past
few years of my life.

I threw the blanket off me and
reached for my phone. It had been fifteen minutes since I parked my car. If I
dared to stay it would be painful. Long and painful. Pure torture.

Unless...

“
Shut
up,
”
I whispered.

I touched my pocket.

I took the paper out and looked at
the scribbled address.

Bryan did offer me to stay. He
wanted me to stay. All I had to do was crash on his couch. For one night. I
could thank him by buying breakfast.

I wouldn
’
t sleep with him.

We weren
’
t even dating.

And if so, I had a six month rule.

Maybe it was time to start following
rules.

(9)

Bryan sat on his couch out of
principle. Part of him didn
’
t
want the night to end. He wasn
’
t
sure why. Maybe because the next day would just bring more life. The guilt hit
him hard as he thought about Chloe.

He felt like an ass hanging up on
her and throwing his phone.

If she was drunk and being taken
advantage of...

But wasn
’
t that what she always said?

The first time it happened, and she
confessed, she blamed alcohol. She said she got way too drunk and some pig took
advantage of her. He just had her for a minute and that was it. It made Bryan
sick but he got over it. Then came time after time, the same excuse of drinking
too much and someone taking advantage of her.

Bryan didn
’
t want anyone in trouble, including Chloe.

Thinking about trouble though took
his mind elsewhere.

It took his mind to AJ.

She had nowhere to go. She was
going to sleep in her car.

Even for one night that seemed
ridiculously dangerous. Anything could happen. Someone could see her. Find her.
Hurt her.

It made Bryan
’
s stomach turn.

He should have done more.

He should have demanded her to come
with him.

He could have at least followed
her.

It hurt to think.

That
’
s
where Bryan left it all as he stood from the couch. He made it to the kitchen
and opened the fridge, staring at water, beer, milk, eggs, bacon, and
lunchmeat. The essentials to his bachelor life but none of which would tell him
if AJ was okay.

Or Chloe.

“
No,
”
he whispered.

To hell with Chloe.

If she was okay enough to call him,
she was okay enough to know she was with another guy. Whatever happened...
well, it happened. It wasn
’
t
Bryan
’
s problem anymore.
That was the best part of breaking up. It didn
’
t
just split the couple, it split the bullshit. Chloe took her bullshit and Bryan
took his.

End of it all.

But Bryan didn
’
t know a thing about AJ other
than the meanings of the messages and emails on her phone, all of which he
technically shouldn
’
t have
read. He didn
’
t mean any
harm nor did he try to memorize anything he read.