The Unwanted (6 page)
Inside our new prison, my brother and I became the center of my mother's misery. She had always tried to protect us from the rumors, stares, and judgments that our American features drew. But now the pressures on her were more than she could handle. Hiding in the furthest corner of the cell, my brother and I watched our mother pace like a caged animal. And for the first time in my life, I was overwhelmed with self-hatred, for I realized that I was different and so was my brother, for whom I held a similar and intense dislike. I wanted to pull the fair hair out of my head, scratch off my pale skin, and peel the expensive sandals from my feet. I prayed for something to happen—anything at all, so that the shame would no longer haunt my mother's eyes. Instead, I just sat there, numb with fear, and prayed for time to pass quickly.
One afternoon, after a couple days of hiding, my mother sent Loan to the market to bring back some black dye. Without warning, she swooped over to our hiding corner and seized us with her sharp fingernails, as if she were catching a fowl in its cage. Ignoring our frightened cries, she pulled us along the cold ground into the bathroom. As we kicked and screamed, she poured the dark liquid over us and marinated our blond heads for what seemed a long time. I remember sitting next to my brother in the bathroom, trying to cover my bare chest with my thin arms. Her roughness as she tugged at our hair and her silence burned a panic in us. Both of us were crying from the sting of the dye. She loomed over the two of us with a crazed look in her eyes and pointed her forefinger straight at our faces.
“Listen, you two, shut up! Men don't cry! Remember that.” And she added more dye to our hair.
Unable to obey, we could not stop crying. Finally my grandfather ran into the bathroom and struck her face with the back of his hand. Pointing to our reflections in the mirror, my grandfather shouted at her.
“Stop this madness right now. Look at what you've done to your children. Is that really necessary?”
My mother looked into the mirror and froze. Looking back at her were two little faces covered in ink and streaked with tears. We could not meet our mother's eyes. With her shaking hands and crimson face, covered by a mask of hatred, she looked like a monster to us. Shocked by the image in the mirror, my mother began to sob.
She knelt to wipe the stains off our faces with the back of her hands. “I am so sorry,” she whispered gently.
The deranged woman who had terrified us was gone, and my mother's voice murmured in our ears. “I can't help you. Nothing I can do can change who you are.” She added, “Please don't cry. All of it is my fault. I don't know what came over me. But I promise I will not let anything or anyone harm you two. Not as long as I am still alive.”
We all cried on the bathroom floor until there were no more tears left. Later that afternoon, my mother made a decision. After she sent my brother and me upstairs, she announced to my grandparents and Loan that it was time for a family meeting.
From the stairs, Jimmy and I strained to hear the conversation. We could not make out much of what the adults said, but we could hear my grandfather's voice shattering the air. I had never heard him so angry before. “No, I forbid you; it is very dangerous; you are crazy —”
My mother took Loan aside and sent her out into the street, then continued to argue with her parents for another hour. At last, as my mother pushed the door open and stormed back downstairs, I could hear my grandfather's voice chasing after her, filled with indignation.
“Leave Loan out of this. She is too young to make such a decision.”
“Don't you see, Daddy? Neither of us has a choice,” my mother shot back.
“Then wait till we get back home before you do anything irrational. Please, for heaven's sake, don't make another wrong decision today,” he urged.
My mother marched into the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. Shortly afterward, Loan returned. With her was an old woman, whom she told to wait at the front step.
From the window on the first floor, we watched the elderly woman in silence. Standing by the door and clutching a dirty bag between her breasts, she waited for Loan. Her face was seamed by countless deep wrinkles, and her spine bent, forcing her gaze to the ground. Her hair was thin and white. As she noticed us watching her, her face rearranged itself into a smile that was nothing more than a hollow, reddish, toothless depression. To us, she appeared a figure out of a fairy tale, and we half-expected her to bolt through the air with a broomstick.
Loan reappeared with my mother behind her, and they led the woman down to the basement.
“Are you the other one who needs my services, besides this girl?” the old lady asked. “Are you sure you're only three months pregnant? From the look of that belly, I swear you look a lot more —”
My mother turned to hush the woman. The look of concern was quite noticeable on their faces. The visitor stepped into the room to put her bag down on the floor and breathe out a sigh of relief. Seeing my grandparents waiting by the foot of the basement door, she nodded to them in acknowledgment.
Loan introduced the old woman to us. “Everyone, this is Mrs. Tam, the only midwife left in downtown Saigon. She comes highly recommended to us by the people at the market. I told her that we are not from around here, and that we don't know anyone. That is why she agreed to help us.”
“Yes, yes, nice to meet everyone. Forget the proper introductions. We'll have to hurry up. I have two more cases downtown, and I have to beat the curfew.” Mrs. Tam rushed through her sentences rudely. “Are you two ready for this?” She pointed to Jimmy and me. “What's going on with the children's hair?”
“Nothing that concerns you,” my mother answered irritably. “Let me take the children upstairs first.”
“No need to. There is nothing here for them to watch anyway. I am just going to give you some herbs to take. Shouldn't take more than eight hours for them to work. And tomorrow, your problem will be all over.”
“In that case, let's do it,” my mother said.
The old lady searched her bag for two small wooden cases. They had rustic carvings of two golden dragons holding a black capsule and were sealed with sap. She laid them on the floor like two objects of great value.
Looking up to my mother, she said with a trace of concern in her voice, “Madam, I know you don't want me to repeat this question, but the gods give me strength, I can't help it. The job that I do makes your business my concern. Are you sure you're only three months pregnant? Because it looks like you are either carrying triplets, or a special present from the elephant god himself. That girl over there”—she pointed at Loan—“she won't have any problem taking this medicine. See? Her body doesn't even show the pregnancy yet. You, I don't know.”
Leaning against the door, my grandfather commented, “My daughter is four months along in her pregnancy.”
“I knew it. I must tell you, madam, I don't think this will work in your case.” Mrs. Tam shook her head. “Besides, it's too risky.”
Again, my mother interrupted the woman. “Never mind about what you think. I don't have any choice, you understand? I can't afford any more children. Just give me the damned medicine.”
“Okay, fine.” The woman shrugged. “Here is a case for each of you. Inside you will find a black pill. Tonight, eat dinner as usual, and then take the pill at bedtime. Tomorrow morning, the fetus will be shed from your body. Bleeding and pain are normal signs; don't be too alarmed. Any questions?”
“One pill? Do you think that will be enough for me? Should I take more than one?”
“You? I think so. And for the girl? One pill should be more than enough.”
“Then give me two extra boxes.”
“That is a lot of drugs, madam.”
“I don't care. Just give them to me.”
“Fine,” Mrs. Tam said, sighing. “Anything you say, but of course, it will cost you more money.”
“I will pay you in a minute. But first, tell me more about the side effects. Will there be more risk for myself if I take the additional pills?”
“Of course,” the woman said, nodding.
“Then for goodness's sake, tell me what kind of risk are we talking about, old crone?”
“What do you think? More pills mean more toxin, which means more bleeding and more cramping. But if you want more drugs, I will do what you ask. However, think about it carefully before you do this, madam. I can't stop you from making your decision, and I can't guarantee whether or not it will work properly. In all of my years of doing this job, I have never given the drug to anyone over three months pregnant; not once, because everybody listens to me, except you. So don't ask me anymore what will happen to you. Because whatever it is, I will not take responsibility. I've already warned you in front of your family. Now, you'll take it at your own risk. Understand me?”
“Khuon —” my grandmother spoke up.
“It's fine, mother,” my mother said. “I know what I am doing.”
“Really, daughter? Do you really know what you are doing?” my grandfather asked. He looked dejected.
“That will be seventy dong for the four boxes. I am giving you ten dong off for good luck. May the gods help the living,” the woman said. She got up and clasped her bag between her breast and her arm.
“Thank you,” my mother said, giving the old woman her fee.
No one uttered a word after the old woman left. On the floor lay four wooden boxes, with gold writing scrawled across their covers proclaiming, “O-Kim.” Underneath those words was a much smaller inscription: “For women only.”
“Loan, take one,” my mother said with determination. “Leave the other boxes for me.”
“Yes, madam,” Loan said.
“Do you want to give this some more thought, Loan?” my mother asked the maid. “You know that it is your right to keep the baby if you wish to do so. And you don't have to do everything I do. I have my own reasons for my actions.”
“Yes, madam, I know. But like you, I have my own reasons. I'd like to take the pill.”
“Well, good. Looks like you and I are in the same boat together then. Take the pill with you and go prepare some dinner.” My mother breathed a heavy sigh. Loan got up to take a box with her and disappeared behind the door. My grandparents withdrew to their usual corner without another word.
“Mommy?” I asked my mother after everyone had left.
My mother jumped slightly before she looked up at me. Her eyes rose as she waited for my question.
“What is going on? What are those little boxes for?” I asked her.
“Nothing that concerns you.”
From his futon, my grandfather interrupted her. “What's the matter? Can't you even explain your actions to your own son? Don't do that to him. You owe him some kind of clarification. Explain it however you see fit, but don't brush him off like that. The child isn't stupid.”
“Dad, stay out of this,” she said angrily to my grandfather and then turned to me. “Nothing honey, everything is fine. Those boxes are for the adults. When I take these pills, they will make me stronger and lighter. They won't hurt me. Understand?”
“Are they going to hurt the baby instead?” I asked.
My mother sank to the cold floor and shook as if a strong current were being shot through her body. Then with a glare, she shot up to grab me by my shoulders and lift me against the wall of sandbags behind me. She bent over so that her eyes were level with mine and spat from between her white teeth, “What do you know about the pills, you nosy little bastard? Listen to me, and listen good. There are no babies inside my body. Everybody thought I was having a baby, but it turns out that everybody was wrong. These are healthy pills for me that will make me stronger so that I can take care of all of you snot-nosed parasites. If you ever breathe any of this to anyone, I'll kill you. Do you understand me? And for the Buddha's sake, don't ask any more questions. Keep them all to yourself. I don't like it when you behave this way.”
Unable to speak, I nodded my agreement and felt her grip loosen from my shoulders. The marks of her nails left a red imprint for the rest of the night.
N
ight overtook us like a skillful thief. There was no electricity in the house. In fact, the whole town was submerged in darkness. Loan descended from upstairs, holding a candle in her hand. Shadows flickered on the wall as she moved across the basement.
For dinner, Loan made a dish of steamed chicken with young bamboo shoots and sautéed spinach. My grandmother refused to join us at the table; instead, she lay unmoving on her mattress, under a thin bedspread. My grandfather ate with difficulty, as if every bite he took was devoid of taste. The rest of us ate quickly and in silence. When it was time for dessert, Loan served a simple yet popular Vietnamese pudding made from sweet bananas and tapioca, but without the usual coconut milk to complete the flavor. Nonetheless, my brother and I found it delicious.
After dinner, my mother disappeared behind the bathroom door, and Loan excused herself to go back upstairs to the kitchen. When my mother returned, she looked paler and more anxious than usual. She sat down on her futon, chewing her nails thoughtfully as we moved cautiously closer to her. Seeing us, she smiled and reached out to grab my brother by his waist. Pulling him to her bosom, she touched his newly dark hair and closed her eyes dreamily.
My grandmother stirred to face the three of us. “How many did you take?” she asked, addressing no one in particular.
“I took them all,” my mother replied.
“Oh, God,” was my grandmother's moan.
To get my mother's attention, my brother held her chin in his hand and asked her, “Mommy?”
“Yes, darling?”
“When can we go outside and play again?”
“Soon, darling, soon.”
“Okay. How do you feel, Mommy?” he then asked.
“I'm fine, and you?”
“I am fine, too, thank you for asking,” he answered politely. A moment later, my brother asked her another question with hope in his voice. “May I sleep with you tonight? I don't want to sleep alone.”
“Sure, if you like. But why? Your bed is only a few steps from mine.”
“I don't know. Sometimes when I wake up at night, I get scared. Can I sleep next to you, Mommy?”