The Unorthodox Arrival of Pumpkin Allan (18 page)

“Come on let’s change the subject,” said Richard, knowing that he and Debbie could very easily monopolise the evening talking about alternative medicine, they were both so passionate about it.

“Before we move on,” said Mel, “we have to know, your patient, did he respond well? To the acupuncture I mean, not the incompetent care and near assault!”

“He did, fortunately. He responded very well. When he came back for his follow up, he brought a fantastic bottle of Scotch as a present! Talking of which, can I tempt anyone?”

All the men’s eyes lit-up, as did Mel’s. Richard went to fetch the bottle, while Mel, Lois and Annie cleared the table ready to serve dessert. Lois and Mel were most impressed to see Debbie produce two fantastic looking puddings from the fridge. “Tiramisu, sorry Lois, that’s not for you.”

“No, that’s for me!” said Annie, who had quietly polished off the best part of a bottle of wine and a couple of G&Ts since arriving. She took the dish from Debbie and walked out of the kitchen with it.

“Here’s yours Lois,” said Debbie, “lemon tart.”

“Wow Debbie that looks amazing! And will do me very nicely, thank you.” Lois carried it through to the dining room and was surprised to find no sign of Annie or the tiramisu. “Anyone seen Annie and a pudding?”

“Oh no, not again!” said Dave. “She’s done this before. She gets a bit pissed and the next thing you know, she’s stolen a pudding! Come on, we’d better go and find her, before she finishes it.”

“Are you serious Dave? She surely isn’t going to lock herself away somewhere and eat that whole thing!” Dave left the dining room and went to the TV room, where he immediately enlisted the help of the children to help track down Annie and the remaining tiramisu.

With so many people on her trail, Annie was soon found. Hannah discovered her, sitting on the floor in the coat cupboard by the front door. She was in the dark, in the lotus position, feeding herself with a huge serving spoon, which she was having trouble getting in and out of her mouth.

Dave came, along with the rest of the guests and having rescued the remaining two thirds of the pudding and handed it to Debbie, pulled Annie out of the cupboard, mumbling apologies for his disgraceful wife.

As she emerged, a small amount of tiramisu still around her mouth, Annie started to giggle. “That big spoon reminds me of a funny story,” she slurred, “do you remember Dave, when we went out to dinner with Chaz and Margaret?” Dave smiled. He remembered it well. “When it came to eating pudding, Chaz asked the waiter for a teaspoon,” Annie was spluttering with laughter, it took her a few moments to continue, “he said,” again, she laughed, making a noise that sounded a bit like a cross between a pig and a horse, “it’s just me wife’s go’ a very small mouf!”

This time they all laughed until it hurt. The thought of the voluminous Margaret needing a teaspoon because her mouth was so small, was very funny.

When the laughter died down, Dave said, “Look guys, thanks for everything. It’s been a great evening, but, bearing in mind that the wife’s as pissed as a parrot and has eaten a rather large helping of tiramisu, I think I’d better get her home, before she disgraces herself further!”

Everyone said goodnight to Annie and Dave. Dave put his arm firmly around Annie’s waist and headed out of the door, relieved to see that it had stopped raining. Lois was feeling exhausted and would happily have gone home too. But Debbie had put a huge amount of effort into making desserts and with Annie having messed up one of them, she felt she must stay and show her appreciation.

Lois found herself sitting next to Debbie when they returned to the table, who asked her where she was planning to have the baby, then immediately jumped up and said “I’ve got something for you, I’ll be back in a minute!” and disappeared.

“I wonder what it is,” said Mel, who’d overheard their short conversation, “must be something to do with birth or babies.” She thought for a moment. “A DVD on childbirth perhaps? A pair of forceps?” Mel and Lois started laughing. “Some maternity clothes that will so not fit you?”

“Thanks!” said Lois, as Debbie reappeared through the door and handed her a well-read book.

Lois looked at it. “Mamatoto,” she read, “A Celebration of Birth.”

“I found it really useful,” said Debbie. “It discusses the history of pregnancy and childbirth and different cultural beliefs and customs. The one I enjoyed most was about a tribe, where they have a two-story birthing hut. The woman who is giving birth stays on the ground floor, with a rope. Her husband is on the upper floor with the other end of the rope tied around his testicles. Every time she gets a contraction, the woman pulls on the rope!” There was a gasp from the male end of the table as they overheard Debbie’s crescendoing voice and giggles from the female end. Debbie continued, “So he can share in the pain of the contraction!”

“What a good idea!” said Mel.

“What do you think Pet? You could sit at the top of the spiral staircase?” said Lois, smiling. Tom did not look amused.

“Anyway, moving on,” said Richard, diplomatically, “when do you think you’ll be up to more mountain biking Tom? I’m thinking we could get a Saturday morning group ride organised.”  He looked across at Adam.

“Yep, I’d go for that, I need something to stimulate me to get out on the bike regularly. It cost me a small fortune and I’ve hardly used it.”

“Well I think it’ll take me a while longer before I’m ready,” said Tom, who could see Lois scowling out of the corner of his eye. “Um, and before I’m allowed out? Perhaps in the new year, when our lives have settled down a bit?” He winked and smiled at Lois, who, he could see was looking exhausted. The men chatted for a few more minutes about the possibilities for cycling in the area. Then Tom said it really was time they got home to bed, before Lois fell asleep on her dessert plate.

They both thanked Debbie and Richard for a great evening and for their gift. Richard, to Tom’s great relief, offered to barrow the willow down to them the following day. “I suppose neither of you are in a position to plant it either!” said Richard; with the realisation dawning on him that he was going to end up planting the thing too. Adam came to his rescue, with an offer to do the planting, all Lois and Tom needed to do was to decide where to put it.

Richard and Adam, true to their words, arrived on Sunday morning, with Mel in tow and tree in barrow and Adam dug a large hole in the middle of the front lawn. He was relieved that the rain from the previous night had softened the ground considerably. He put a bag of manure in the hole, which was apparently one of ten which Bill had delivered to him and planted the little willow. When he’d finished patting down the soil to finish off the job, he said, “Now don’t expect us to be looking after you two forever, okay?”

“Okay,” said Tom, “we owe you one. Talking of which, we do owe you, for the roofing work. How much is it, did you give Dean an invoice?”

“Oh forget it, all part of the welcoming committee!”

“Are you sure Adam? That seems very generous.”

“My pleasure. Consider it my gift. I don’t do stuffed animals!”

Lois bought coffee and some slightly squashed cakes into the front garden for everyone. Tom told her about Adam’s gift and as they both thanked him, Charles Black shuffled his way past.

“Morning Charles,” shouted Richard, “lovely day!”

“For some it might be,” Charles grumbled to the ground, barely acknowledging any of them.

Lois, Mel and Tom exchanged glances. When Tom thought Charles was probably out of earshot, he said, “Ah, so that’ll be the delightful Mr. Black then.”

“Yup,” said Richard, “laugh a minute that one. Right, where do you want this turf and topsoil?” he asked, as he went to retrieve his full wheelbarrow.

“I’ll chuck it over the road, on the manor scrubland if you like,” said Adam, “that’s what I do with most of my garden rubbish. Nobody notices it, amongst the brambles.”

“That would be great, thanks.” Tom said and he followed Adam, through a hole in the hawthorn hedge on the opposite side of the road to see where he meant. As they emerged on the other side of the hedge, Tom was amazed to see a collection of ramshackle barns, which he had never noticed before. They were partially hidden behind a mass of brambles. Having emptied the barrow, Adam followed his gaze.

“They’re great aren’t they? Belong to the Manor. Been lying dormant for a very long time, I expect at some point the board’ll opt to apply for planning permission, who knows what monstrosity they’ll try to put there. In the meantime, come with me.”

Adam picked up a large stick and having walked around to the front of the barns, started to lever the brambles back to provide a pathway wide enough to walk through. Once in front of the main barn, he pushed one of the heavy wooden doors open and took out his phone to shed a light on the dark, gloomy interior. As Tom followed him in, they both heard a loud squeak and a rustle from the far corner. “Rats making a quick getaway,” said Adam.

Amongst the cobwebs and grime, Tom could just make out some large oak beams, a couple of wooden gates and a pair of old oak doors. “Wow, this place is amazing!”

“Yup, and I don’t think anyone ever comes here except me.”

“So when we eventually do our extension and put in a inglenook fireplace, I’ll give you a shout Adam.”

“That’s the spirit Tom. I can see you’ll soon settle into the foraging culture of the country! By the way, are you free on Wednesday night, Richard and I are planning to have a couple of pints at the Flintstone Wall?”

“Well, it would be churlish not to, wouldn’t it?”

Tom arrived at the cottage at six o’clock on Wednesday evening, having managed to leave the office early. He’d been staying at the flat since Monday and was astonished to walk into a clean, tidy house. The carpets were laid and the curtains hung. Lois heard the front door shut and emerged from the kitchen with a half bottle of champagne, champagne flutes and a very broad smile on her face.

“What do you think?”

“Lo, it’s amazing, you’ve done wonders in the past few days. You must have worked none stop!”

“So, a celebration. Hold these.” Lois passed Tom the glasses, then expertly removed the cork from the bottle and poured the champagne very carefully. “To our perfect house!”

“Our perfect house!” repeated Tom.

They toured the cottage with Lois asking Tom his opinion of each room and Tom responding that he thought it all looked fantastic. They finished the tour in the nursery. Lois had bought a stick on border with cartoon baby elephants and mounted it a metre up the pale yellow walls. Then she’d hung matching curtains. Tom paused as he walked through the door, turning pale with shock. The reality of them having a baby suddenly hit him. He leant against the wall and slid down into a crouching position. Lois joined him. They both sat in silence for several minutes. So many contrasting thoughts flooded into Tom’s brain, he suddenly found tears welling up in his eyes. The past year had been so busy for both of them; working long hours, house hunting, and then renovating the cottage. When they had made the decision to try for a baby, he had not expected it to happen so quickly. There was the initial shock, a brief moment of wanting to run away, then the excitement of something that was going to happen, many months in the future. And now, here it was, their baby’s nursery. ‘Holy shit! How scary was this?’ he thought, ‘am I really grown up enough for this?’

“What do you think, not too twee is it?”

“No Lo. It’s,” Tom wiped his eye with the back of his hand, “it’s perfect. I can’t believe there’s going to be a little person in here soon, a real little person.”

“It’s bizarre isn’t it?” Lois said, looking down at her belly and giving it a stroke.

“It’s wonderful,” said Tom, resting his hand on Lois’s. “I’ve missed you. I can’t wait to be settled in here properly.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Anyway, I put in enough hours this week to be able to have tomorrow and Friday off, so all is well. Oh, by the way did I mention that I’ve been invited out for a drink tonight?”

“No, you didn’t mention that. I thought we’d be having one last night of romance on the blow up mattress.”

“Don’t worry, we can still do that, you smooth talker you! I won’t be out long, literally just popping to the village pub for a pint with Adam and Richard. We’re going at seven, so I’m sure we’ll be back by nine.”

“Oh, go on then. But don’t you go leading these country folk astray!” mimicked Lois in her best west-country accent.

A moment later there was a knock at the door. Tom made his way downstairs and opened it to find Richard and Adam waiting for him.

“You’re a bit early aren’t you?”

“Well we thought, as we were all home, best to pop out now, be back earlier?” suggested Adam, grinning at Lois who was propping herself up against Tom.

“Tom, do you want to grab a sandwich before you go?” asked Lois.

“No thanks,” Tom took a shiny new front door key for the replacement lock that Dean had fitted. “I’ll probably grab a bite there. Thanks love.” He gave Lois a peck on the cheek and the three men walked off on their mission.

Lois went to the kitchen to concoct a meal for herself. She felt a bit flat. She’d been looking forward to Tom coming home. Having been on her own in the cottage for the last three evenings, she had envisaged them having a nice romantic evening together. “Still,” she thought aloud, “nice for him to get to know some of the neighbours better.”

Just as Lois sat herself down on the rug by the wall with a plate of pitta, hummus and salad, there was a knock at the door. She hauled herself up to standing, the baby seemed to have increased in size a lot this week…or was it the mini chocolate rolls and flapjacks on a BOGOF at M&S that were making bending movements feel so much more cumbersome?

Lois opened the door to find Debbie, dressed top to toe in Lycra, red faced and sweaty, standing on the doorstep.

“Since the men folk are out boozing for the night, I wondered if you fancy coming round to me for a little something?”

“Out boozing for the night? Tom said they were popping to the pub for a pint.”

“Mmmm, well, if Richard and Adam’s ‘popping to the pub for a pint’s’ of the past are anything to go by, we won’t see them this side of midnight.”

Debbie saw a brief look of disappointment in Lois’s eyes, before she said, “Yep, that would be great Debbie. I’ll just eat my supper. See you in about fifteen minutes?”

“Great, see you then!” and Debbie jogged away up the lane.

Lois finished her meal, refreshed her make-up and wrote a note for Tom to let him know where she was, in the apparently unlikely event that he was home before her. She changed into her ‘holiday’ cotton trousers with handy expandable drawstring waist and a clean vest top. The evening was hot and humid, hotter now than it had been earlier in the day. Lois wondered whether there was a storm brewing. She made her way up to Debbie’s, feeling a slight pang of guilt walking past Bert and Betty’s. She hadn’t been back to see them since her first visit. She made a mental note to visit them in the early part of the following week.

Debbie answered the door with hair still wet from the shower. She’d made a non-alcoholic fruit cocktail, a glass of which the two of them took out onto the patio. They settled themselves onto sun loungers with a bowl of Bombay mix on the table between them. Although Debbie was only four years older than Lois, having so much experience of both childbirth and bringing up children, Lois felt somewhat in awe of her.

As they chatted, Debbie became more and more relaxed and Lois noticed, when she followed Debbie to the kitchen to top up their drinks, that Debbie was adding a generous shot of gin to hers. “Do you want a spot? It won’t hurt, mine were all introduced to gin early and it never did them any harm. I do mean in moderation of course!”

“Oh, go on then. Just a drop!”

Lois felt less self-conscious as the gin warmed it’s way through her body. She asked Debbie how her deliveries had been.

“Gosh, you’re brave. Let me give you one piece of advice Lois. Never ask people how their deliveries were. Fortunately I don’t have a horror story to tell you, which is probably why I’ve got four children. But plenty of people will tell you something awful that you really don’t want to hear and they will heighten your anxiety to such a point that the possibility of you being able to have a natural birth will be doomed!”

“Oh,” Lois felt somewhat belittled. She took another slug of her cocktail and said, “so, yours were all right then?”

“Yes, they were, well, not too bad. Have you had a chance to read the Mamatoto book yet?”

“No. Too busy organising the house. We pack up the flat tomorrow and move in on Friday.”

“Fantastic! Well, as soon as you’ve got time to, if I were you, I’d read that book. It gave me confidence in making my birthing decisions. Of course being married to Richard helped. He had done a six-month stint in obstetrics as part of his GP training and reassured me that I was very capable of having a natural birth. He encouraged me to get really fit.” Debbie giggled, “He used to say I needed to prepare for the biggest marathon of my life, and he was right.”

“So I ought to be going running?” Lois had never ‘been running’ in her life and the thought of starting now was at the very least, un-nerving.

“Not necessarily running, no, but getting fit, yes. Use whatever form of exercise suits you. Walking, swimming? There’s an antenatal aqua-aerobics class at the sports centre, that’s a bit of a laugh. I nearly gave birth to Lisa in it actually.” Debbie started to giggle at the thought. “Fortunately Richard’s practice was not far away and he came and picked me up. Just got home in time and had her on the living room floor.” Lois raised her hand to her mouth in amazement. “The midwife arrived ten minutes after the event, by which time Lisa was dressed and so was I. Oh no, that’s a lie,” Lois noticed that Debbie was starting to slur her words a little, “I wasn’t dressed because I was having a bit of trouble delivering the placenta, bloody thing just wouldn’t come out!”

“MUM!” Shouted a voice from an upstairs window. Debbie and Lois both glanced up, shielding their eyes from the sun reflected on the open window. “Would you please stop talking about my placenta, it’s embarrassing! You do it all the time!”

Debbie put her hand to her mouth and started to giggle quietly. “Bless her! She’s very sensitive that one. And by the way, I don’t do it all the time!”

“So, I need to get fit and read Mamatoto. Anything else?”

“Well, when you’ve read the book, try and decide on the sort of birth you want to aim for. You’re welcome to come round anytime and we’ll chat about it some more.”

Lois and Debbie continued talking, with Debbie going into the house to shout the occasional instruction to one or other of the children. By nine o’clock the sky beyond Debbie’s garden started to darken and they could hear some rumblings of thunder.

“That’s what we need, a good storm to clear the air, I’m sweating like nobody’s business here,” said Debbie. Just then, they saw the first flash of lightning, followed by another, then another. As they sat, mesmerised, they witnessed the most incredible lightning display either of them had ever seen. The clouds slowly moved towards them, the thunder grew louder and the time between lightning and thunder grew shorter. Lois and Debbie were picking up their glasses to go inside, when they felt the first drops of rain. By the time they had reached the back door the heavens had opened.

“Mm looks like the boys might get a bit wet then,” smirked Debbie.

“So, will they be very drunk when they get back?” asked Lois.

“I think the expression is ‘completely arseholed!’ unless Tom is going to be such a good and persuasive influence on them as to make them change their ways. What do you think?”

“Um,” Lois paused, “no. No, I think I can safely say, if they plan to drink heavily he will be joining in.”

“Ah well, the walk home in the rain should sober them up a bit. Richard will probably invite Tom back here for a bite to eat, there’s the remains of a fish pie in the oven, so he’ll probably sober up a bit here, unless they get the whisky out, that has been known.”

“I don’t think Tom will come here, he’ll be exhausted after the pub and the walk back, he’s still not a hundred percent after his accident, but thanks for warning me, I was expecting him home by nine. We’re supposed to be at the flat by ten tomorrow morning to meet the packers.”

“Well that’ll be fun! Richard’s got his first private patient coming to the house tomorrow morning, that’ll be interesting too!”

Lois noticed the time on the kitchen clock to be just before ten and with the realisation that she was probably going to be doing most of the organisation at the flat tomorrow, thought she had better go home and get some sleep. She thanked Debbie for her hospitality, borrowed a waterproof coat and made her way home.

The thunder and lightning had stopped, but the rain continued to hammer down. The road was so dark that Lois walked straight through a number of puddles between Debbie’s house and her own. Another disadvantage, she realised, to living on an unmade road. She could just make out the sound of Doreen, calling to Ellie, through the noise of the rain.

By the time Lois reached the cottage, her cream trousers were splashed to the knee with clay coloured dirt and her pumps ruined. She struggled to get the key into the lock because of the lack of an outside light, (one of many oversights in the renovation, no doubt). Once inside, she looked for somewhere to hang Debbie’s coat to dry, only to find no coat hooks, (another oversight), so she hung it over the kitchen door, to drip onto the floor tiles.

Lois took her trousers off and put them, along with her shoes into the kitchen sink in hot water and washing up liquid. She then found a scrap of paper and a pen to start a list, the RO (renovation oversight) list and wrote down, outside lights and coat hooks. Then her heart sank as she thought through washing her trousers in the machine on Friday. They hadn’t even considered plumbing for the washing machine and venting for the dryer. She sat for several minutes, on the floor wondering what else she’d forgotten. Then she shrugged and added washing machine etc to her list. The renovation had gone remarkably well, so far anyway and Dean did say he would come back and do any extras for her next week.

Lois had a shower and made her way to bed. She lay, wondering what kind of a state Tom would come home in. Generally he wasn’t a big drinker, two or three pints was usually enough for him. It seemed unlikely he’d be too bad when he got home.

Having fallen asleep within a few minutes of lying down, Lois was woken by a bang which, in her sleepy state she was unable to identify. Then she heard the front door close. She glanced at her phone to see that it was twelve thirty, felt relieved that Tom was safely home and rolled over to go back to sleep.

A couple of minutes later, Lois thought she heard the front door open and shut again. This struck her as a bit odd, but she stayed in bed and listened for the sound of Tom coming up the stairs.