The Unbound (19 page)

Two names, and it isn’t even lunch. Could Agatha be doing this on purpose? Would she go that far to prove a point? I don’t know. I don’t know what to believe anymore. But it doesn’t matter how the names got there; I have to handle them. Besides, clearing this list is the only thing still in my control. My mind spins. The class bell rings in the distance. Wellness. I’ll skip. I know where the nearest Narrows door is now. The only problem is my key won’t work. It’s not my territory. And with Wesley’s access to
mine
revoked, even if he lets me in to his, I can’t cross the divide.

I find a pencil in my bag and spread the paper out on the sink, tapping the eraser several times against it before finally writing a message.

Requesting access to adjacent territory: Hyde School.

I stand at the sink and stare down at the page, waiting and hoping for a response. I count out the time it will take to get to the door, cross Wesley’s territory into my own, and find and return Rick and Penny.

And then the answer comes. One small, horrible word:
Denied
.

It’s not signed, but I recognize Agatha’s script. Frustration wells up in me, and I slam my hand into the nearest thing, which happens to be a metal tissue holder. It goes crashing to the floor.

“Mackenzie?” asks a voice from the door. I turn to find a woman standing there. She looks exactly like she did in the hospital, from the messy ponytail to the slacks, but she’s traded a name tag that reads
Psychologist
for one that reads
Hyde School Counselor
.

“Dallas?” I ask, crumpling the Archive paper before she can see it. The question and answer have both bled away, but the names are still there. “What are you doing here?”

“We had a deal, remember?” She bends down to fetch the dented tissue box and sets it back on the edge of the counter. “I figured I’d meet you at the Wellness Center, but I ran into Miss Graham and she pointed me in this direction. Is everything…?” She trails off, and I appreciate not having to answer the question when it’s obvious that, no, everything’s not. “Do you need a moment?” she asks. I nod, and Dallas vanishes back through the door to wait.

I check my reflection in the mirror. Blue-gray eyes stare back at me—Da’s eyes—but their once-even gaze is now unsure, the blue made brighter by the red ringing them. My cracks are showing. I splash water on my face to cool my cheeks and rinse away any trace of tears, then smooth out the Archive paper and refold it properly before slipping it into the pocket of my shirt.

A few minutes later, when I step out into the hall, I at least
look
the part of a normal junior. Dallas is eating an apple and pretending to be interested in a Fall Fest flyer on the wall. Cash is front and center in the photo, wearing cat ears, dipping a senior girl with one hand and holding a sparkler aloft with the other.

“When you had me agree to therapy,” I say, tugging my sleeves down over my hands, “I didn’t realize it would be with you.”

“Is that going to be a problem?” she asks, ditching the apple core in the nearest trash bin. “Because it’s me or a middle-aged guy named Bill who’s nice enough, but kind of smells.”

“I’ll stick with you.”

“Good choice,” she says, leading me through a pair of doors and across the quad. The Fall Fest materials are scattered everywhere, and we have to weave through them just to get to the Wellness Center.

“I just didn’t realize you worked here, too,” I say as we reach the building and go in. Instead of heading toward the lockers, she leads me down a hall to a row of offices.

“Most nights and weekends I belong to the hospital,” she tells me as we reach an office with her name on it and go inside. There’s a chair and a couch and a coffee table. “During the week, I’m here. As long as we’re meeting, I’ll be taking the place of your Wellness class, since this is, in fact, addressing wellness of another sort.”

“And how long are we meeting?” I ask.

“I suppose that depends on you.” She slumps into the chair and retrieves a notebook from the coffee table. “How are the battle scars?”

“Healing,” I say as I sit down.

“And how are
you
?”

How am I? Three—possibly four—people have been dragged into voids because of me, my only theory as to why is crumbling, the assessor of the Archive is determined to find me unfit, and my nightmares are becoming real. But of course I can’t tell Dallas any of this.

“Mackenzie?” she prompts.

“I’ve been better,” I say quietly. “I think I might be losing my mind.” It is the most honest thing I’ve said aloud in days.

She frowns a little. “Still having bad dreams?”

“These days, everything feels like a bad dream,” I say. “I just want to wake up.”

B
Y THE TIME
I get to lunch, everyone else’s trays are stacked in the Alchemist’s outstretched arms and they’re sitting in a circle, chatting about Fall Fest. I’m surprised to see Safia on the steps, Amber’s elbow locked through hers as if holding her hostage.

“Hey, we missed you in Wellness,” says Cash as I climb the steps. “What happened?”

“I had a meeting,” I say, sitting down in the gap between Amber and Gavin. I pick at my food, watching bits of rice slide through the tines of my fork. “What did I miss?”

“Let’s see,” says Gavin, who usually spends most of Wellness stretched out on a weight bench, people-watching. “Amber tried to teach Cash yoga, Wesley boxed, and Saf flirted with a senior running on the track and nearly face-planted.”

Safia pitches an empty soda can at his head.

“I’m so sorry I missed that,” I say with a small smile. And then, in response to her gold-eyed death glare, I add, “I mean
all
of it. I’m having trouble picturing Cash in any of those poses.”

“I’ll have you know that I do a mean sun salutation.” He proceeds to hop up and demonstrate something that I can only imagine is loosely related to yoga. Everyone laughs and cheers him on, but Wesley finds my eyes across the circle and gives me a questioning look, so I dig my phone out of my bag and text him one word.

Therapy.

Cash has taken his seat again after collecting a healthy amount of applause, and the group is back to talking about Fall Fest.

“What is it exactly?” I ask.

“It’s just a dance,” says Wes.

“
Just
a dance?” says Cash with mock affront.

“It sets the tone for the
entire
year,” adds Safia.

“It’s the official back-to-school party,” explains Gavin. “Tomorrow night. It’s always the first of September, and the senior class is in charge of organizing it.”

“And it’s going to be a blast,” says Cash. “There’s music, and food, and dancing, and we’re going to end the night with fireworks.”

“Of course it’s Hyde,” cuts in Safia, “so the dress code’s killer strict. Most people just stay in uniform.”

“But there are no rules for hair and makeup,” says Gavin. “Some people treat it like a contest to see how strange you can get without breaking dress code.”

“Last year Saf and Cash both went with bright blue hair,” says Amber. “And Wes embraced his inner goth boy.”

“Seriously?” I say. Wesley winks at me, and I laugh. “I can’t imagine that.”

“Crazy, right?” she says. “Anyway, you can wear wacky jewelry or weird makeup or neon leggings.”

“It’s kind of awesome to see everyone as a stranger version of themselves,” says Gavin.

“You’re going, right, Mackenzie?” asks Amber.

I shake my head. “Sorry, don’t think so.” I’m pretty sure my house arrest doesn’t have a school dance loophole.

“Hey,” says Gavin, addressing me. “Is everything okay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” I ask.

“I heard you had to leave class.”

Wesley’s brow creases with concern. “You okay?”

“Wow,” I say, glancing at Safia, “word
does
travel fast around here.”

“Don’t look at me,” she says. “To talk about it I’d have to care, which I don’t. But I
did
hear a rumor about you and Cash this morning in front of the—”

“What happened?” cuts in Amber. “In class?”

“Nothing,” I say. “I didn’t feel well, so I left.”

“Cash’s crappy coffee,” offers Saf.

“Hey,” snaps Cash, “I only buy gourmet.”

“The corner store doesn’t
have
gourmet, and you know it.”

Saf and Cash start bickering, but Wes isn’t so quick to drop the subject.
Are you all right?
he mouths at me across the circle, giving me a weighted look. I force myself to nod. He looks skeptical, but then Cash turns to him and says, “Have you decided yet if you’re taking Elle or Merilee or Amber?”

Wesley, still considering me, says, “I’m not taking any of them.”

Safia gasps. “Wesley Ayers, going stag?”

He shrugs, finally turning his attention back to the group. “I didn’t want to pick just one and deprive the others of my company.” He flashes a crooked smile when he says it, but the line rings hollow.

“No one’s taking anyone,” announces Amber. “We’ll go as a group.”

“Screw your group,” says Safia. “I’ve already got a date.”

“You’ve been working hard enough to get one,” says Cash.

Saf throws a book at his head. It nearly hits Gavin, and the rest of lunch is a blur of chattering, bickering, and festival prep.

I barely hear a word they say.

As the lunch bell rings, I scribble another plea to the Archive.

Again it’s denied.

“When did Safia decide to join the Court?”

Amber and I are walking to Physiology, our shoes echoing against the science hall’s marble entryway.

“Ah, the migration,” says Amber cheerfully. “A time-honored tradition, really. Saf starts the school year determined to make a name for herself, climb the social ladder, build an entourage of minions—god knows enough of the first and second years are willing—and then she realizes something.”

“What’s that?”

Amber smiles and lifts her chin. “That the Court is, in fact, infinitely cooler than anyone else she’ll find at Hyde. She usually comes around before Fall Fest, and we welcome her back as though she never left. I’m sure she’d rather just ditch the act, but she’ll never admit she actually wants to hang out with Cash.”

And I’m sure
Wesley
has nothing to do with it,
I think as Amber squints at me.

“Speaking of Cash—” she starts.

“Any new leads on the Judge Phillip case?” I say, changing the subject as obviously as possible. “Or Bethany?” Amber sighs, but takes the bait and shakes her head. “I haven’t seen Dad this stressed in ages. They put a new case on his plate this weekend. Another unsolvable. This one doesn’t even have a crime scene or a point of departure. Some guy just went for a morning run and never came back. The brother finally reported him missing.”

My stomach twists. Jason.

“How can they possibly expect him to solve that?” I ask.

Amber shrugs. “It’s his job, I guess. They act like he’s some miracle-worker. Trust me, he’s not.” Halfway up the stairs, she says, “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure thing.”

I expect her to ask why her father picked me up this weekend, but instead she asks, “How long have you known Wesley?”

“A couple months,” I say, rounding up. It certainly feels like longer.

“And how long do you think he’s been in love with you?”

I feel the heat creeping into my face. “We’re just friends.” Amber makes a sound of disbelief. “I mean, we’re close,” I add. Bonded by secrets and scars. “But we’re not…I don’t…I care about Wesley, and he cares about me.”

“Look,” she says as we reach the classroom, “I just met you, but I’ve known Wesley for ages. I can tell you that ‘he cares’ is an understatement.” Amber steps out of the way to let someone get to class. “Did you really kiss Cash this morning?”

“He kissed
me
,” I clarify, “and it ended right there.”

Amber waves a hand. “I don’t care about the details. The point is, I don’t want you playing games with Wes. He’s been through a lot, and I think he’s finally in a good place, and—”

“And you don’t think I’m good for him.”

The words hit like a blow, even though they’re mine. Because they’re true. I’m not good for him. At least, I haven’t been. I want to be. But how can I? I feel like a bomb waiting to go off; I don’t want him holding on to me when it does. But he won’t let go, and I can’t seem to, either.

“I didn’t say that,” says Amber. “It’s just…Gavin and Saf and Cash and I, we work really hard to
keep
him in that good place. He may live in a big house on a hill, but
we’re
his family. I don’t know how much you know about his life before you came into it, but he’s been hurt by a fair number of people. He may have put himself back together decently, but he’s not all the way there. And it’s obvious he cares about you
a lot
; so all I’m saying is, don’t hurt him, okay? Because it’s obvious you’re going through some things, too, and I want you to be really sure before you let him fall any harder for you. Be sure that you’re good for him.”

She opens the door. “And if you’re not, don’t let him fall at all.”

Mr. Lowell’s out, and the sub in Government spends the first half of the period reading everything Lowell’s already taught us straight off a handout, then decides that revolution is too heavy for a Monday and mercifully lets us go early. There’s a text from Mom saying she’s going to be late picking me up—I’m hoping I can use it as leverage when the topic of transport comes up again tomorrow morning—which leaves me with half an hour or so to kill. I send a third request to the Archive, then wander out onto the quad to wait for the reply.

Even though the bell hasn’t rung yet, a dozen gold-striped seniors are scattered around the quad assembling tents. I spot Wesley at the northern edge of the green, hammering steel rods into the grass.

Not the Wesley who hunts Histories, or the one who lies in bed with me, drowning my nightmares with his noise, but one who laughs and smiles and looks
happy
. It’s not that he doesn’t look that way when we’re together, but there’s an edge to him when I’m around. The strain of scars and shared secrets and worry shows in his face even when he smiles, even when he sleeps. I weigh him down.

A bone-deep sadness spreads through me as I realize something.

Wesley may be worth it, worth loving and worth letting in, but I can’t do it. I won’t. Not as long as there’s a target on my back. I can’t drag him into this mess. Amber was right. The last time he got pulled into my fight, he lost a day of his life. I won’t let him lose more, not because of me.

I retreat through campus, weaving from one path to another, the urge to move stronger than the desire to go anywhere in particular.
Restless bones
, that’s what Ben used to call it. I have never been able to sit still. Maybe Eric’s right, and being a part of the Archive isn’t just a job. Maybe it’s in my bones. Maybe I couldn’t be normal, even if I had a chance to try. Normal is like stillness: uncomfortable, unnatural. So I walk. And as I walk, a word scratches itself onto the paper in my palm.

Denied.

The answer hits like a dull blow as my feet carry me down the path. I don’t even realize I’ve heading for the Wellness Center until I look up and see the stone mantel. I pass through the lockers and into the massive gym.

With everyone either still in class or setting up for Fall Fest, the gym is a hollow white hull—similar to a Returns room, but vast and walled and full of equipment. It’s strange being in here alone, and yet it’s peaceful. Like the Archive used to be. The quiet here might not be as reverent, but it’s all-encompassing, and it reminds me of a time years ago when I was normal—or closer to it—and running was the nearest thing I had to peace.

When I ran, I lost myself.

I have been afraid of losing myself lately. Afraid of pushing too hard. Afraid of letting my guard down. Of letting go.

Now I step onto the track with a kind of abandon and start to run. At first it’s a jog, but then I go faster and faster, until I break into a full sprint, giving it everything I have. I haven’t run like this in days, weeks, years.

I run until the world blurs. Until I can’t breathe, can’t hear, can’t think. Until Owen is gone and the voids are gone and Agatha is gone and the Archive is gone and Wesley is gone and there is nothing but the sound of my shoes on the track and my pulse in my ears. I run until all my fears—the fear of losing my mind, my memories, my life—have bled away.

Time begins to slip, and for once, I don’t try to catch it.

I run until I feel like myself again.

I run until I find peace.

When my shoes finally slow and stop, I bend over my knees, breathing shallowly. Then I pace slowly in a circle, waiting for my heart to slow, my eyes closed in the middle of the empty gym. I focus on the sound of my pulse.

“Miss Bishop?” calls a gruff voice, and I drag my eyes open to find the gym teacher—the one who oversees the sparring ring, I think his name is Metz—trotting over with a clipboard.

“Sorry,” I say. “Am I not supposed to be here?”

Coach Metz waves the clipboard. “Whatever. None of the sports have started yet. Speaking of, you’re quite the runner. Have you considered track?” I shake my head. “You should,” he says. “You’re a natural.”

“Not sure I have the time, sir.”

“Gotta make time for the important things, Bishop. Tryouts are next week. Can I at least put your name down?”

I hesitate. Where will I be next week? Hunting Histories in the Narrows, or strapped to a chair having my memories carved out? What if next week this is all a bad dream and I’m alive and still me?

“We could use someone like you,” he adds.

“Okay,” I say. “Sure. Count me in.” It’s so small, but it’s something to cling to. A sliver of normal.

Coach Metz passes me the clipboard, and I write out my name and hand it back. He offers me a gruff nod of approval as he reads my name and makes a few notes in the margin.

“Good, good,” he grumbles. “Hyde honor at stake, need the speed…” And then he trots away, disappearing through a door at the other end of the gym marked
OFFICES
.

I sink onto the mats to stretch out. My muscles ache from the sudden burst of activity, but it’s a welcome pain. I lie down on the mat, going through my stretches; then I stare up at the ceiling and breathe, wondering: If the Archive came for me, would I run? Will it come to that?

My theory is getting thinner by the day. Everything pointed to a setup until Cash. Was the attack on him a mistake? A message? A punishment? Did they miss on purpose? Or were they trying to interrupt the pattern and weaken the theory? Questions trickle through me, and at the heart of all the
how
s and
why
s, the biggest question is
who
.

You’re getting tangled,
Da would say.
Most problems are simple at
their center. You just gotta find the center.