The Truth of Yesterday (17 page)

     
In all fairness
, the reasonable side of me argued,
he did tell you that there was a part of his past he hadn't told you about yet. And he was going to tell you this weekend
.

     The simple fact of the matter was, though, that no matter how good a reason Micah felt he had for becoming an escort, I was still very uncomfortable with it. I knew my attitude was possibly due to the fact that I'd grown up very sheltered in a small town on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. While
Maryland
was a pretty liberal state overall, the Shore was still rural and conservative for the most part. It had been pretty much isolated from the rest of the state until halfway through the twentieth century when the bridge connecting the shore to the mainland had been built. In many ways, the people were still isolated and sheltered from the more urban areas on the western shore of the
Chesapeake Bay
,
Annapolis
,
Baltimore
, and DC.  

     Was my discomfort something that could be overcome? I just didn't know, at least not yet. I needed more time to figure things out. Did I still care about Micah? That much at least I was able to answer. Yes, I did. And with that thought, the pain inside me welled up again.

     By now, I was physically and mentally wiped out. My rational mind finally gave up and let my emotions take over in a torrent of self-indulgent tears. By the time I'd cried myself out, I was well on the way to slipping into a restless sleep.

     I awoke with a start when Micah let himself into the room. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was
two o'clock
in the morning.

     “Where've you been?” I
asked,
my mind still a bit fuzzy from being woken so suddenly.

     
“In an all-night coffee bar down the street.
You weren't the only one who needed to think. Sorry I woke you up.”

     “
S'ok
.”

     He started undressing and despite myself, my heart began to beat just a little faster. “What are you doing?' I asked stupidly.

     “Getting ready for bed,” he said in a drained voice that didn't leave much room for argument.

     I argued anyway. “You're sleeping here?” What can I say? I'm not at my best when I'm awoken in the middle of the night.

     “No, Killian, I thought I'd sleep in the hallway. Yes, I'm sleeping here. And don't worry; I won't lay a finger on you.” He pulled back the blankets on his side of the bed and slid under the covers before turning his back purposefully to me.

     I stared at his back for a while, almost wishing he would lay a finger on me; wanting him and being disgusted at the same time. Finally, my exhaustion overcame my warring emotions and I fell back into that fitful rest.

     I woke up to find a morning suitably dreary to match my mood. It wasn't raining, but the sky was leaden and promised rain before the day was out. Micah was gone, but a note left on the desk told me he'd gone for breakfast and he was bringing me something back. I took a shower and was just getting out when Micah returned carrying a small paper sack.

     “I got you a bagel with cream cheese,” he said. “I hope that's ok.”

     “
It's
fine,” I told him, turning away to get dressed.

     I felt him move up behind me and then felt his hands on my waist. I tensed up under his touch.

     “Micah…” My voice trailed off.

     His hands fell away.

     “So what's going on?” he asked. “Are we breaking up?”

     “No,” I said quickly, keeping my back to him as I pulled on my clothes. “I mean…I don't know right now. I need more time to figure things out.”

     “Figure what out, Killian? Do you love me?”

     
“I…yes.”

     “And I love you. What's to figure out?”

     “It's not that simple and we both know it.” I turned to face him. “If it was as simple as that I'd still be with Asher and you'd still be with Paul.”

     Hurt flashed in his eyes at the mention of Paul's name. At least that was what I thought that was the source of the pain until he spoke. “That's what it always comes back to, isn't it? Asher.”

     “What? Wait, that's not what I meant.”

     “What did you mean, then?”

     “You said yourself just last night that you would always love Paul, but that you've moved on. That's just how it is for me when it comes to Asher.”

     He sighed and knuckled his eyes. “Just tell me what to do to make this right.”

     “I don't know,” I wailed, “I don't think there's anything anyone can do. You can't just wave a magic wand and make it right. It's going to take time and I don't even know if it'll be right then.”

     “What's the problem? That I didn't tell you? I'm sorry, Killian, but at least everything is out in the open now. There're no more secrets. We can rebuild the trust.”

     “That's not even it. Not really, anyway. I'm still a little hurt at the way I found out, but I know that wasn't really your fault. It was just really shitty timing.”

     “Now you know why I didn't want to come to DC. But if that's not the problem, what is?”

     “I'm just having a lot of trouble with the whole idea of you being an escort.”

     “But I explained all that to you.”

     “I still just…”

     “It's a part of my past. I can't change what happened, and I wouldn't if I could. I'm not ashamed of what I did, you know. It put me through college and it's all a part of who I am today. I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't gone through all that. I was good enough for you to fall in love, why aren't I good enough for you to stay in love?”

       I was fighting tears again and I was damned if I was going to fall apart in front of him. I pulled myself together and took a deep breath. “We're not going to get anywhere now. I think we should just go home. I need a few days to work through all this on my own.”

     “Oh great, you're asking for the infamous break. Everybody knows that's the death knoll for a relationship.”

     “Micah, I'm not breaking up with you. I'm not even asking for a break. I just need a few days to figure out what I do want. This is a lot for me to take in. I mean I'm just a kid from the boonies. Give me a break.”

     “You sell yourself short, Killian. Just don't sell us short too.”

     He picked up his suitcase and yanked open the door. “I'll be waiting in the car,” he said as he disappeared into the hall.

     I sighed and zipped up my bag. I did a cursory look around the room to make sure we weren't leaving anything and then started to follow. I was halfway down the hall before I went back for the bagel. It was going to be a long ride home and I just might need the sustenance.

Chapter 8

     The drive home was every bit as long as I thought it would be. We barely spoke the entire time, arriving home in late morning. I wanted to talk to Steve, but when we finally pulled into my driveway, only Kane's vehicle was there. He told me both Steve and Adam were at the B&B today since something had happened over the weekend. He didn't say what and I didn't ask. I was in no mood to deal with anyone else's problems when I had my own to worry over.

     I was also in no mood to sit around the house doing nothing. I drove into the office only to find it empty as well. Novak was obviously out on his case. I typed up my report, relying heavily on my notes since my mind wasn't exactly at peak performance, but then I was left with nothing to do except fret. Finally, the clock said it was almost time for Jake to be getting out of school. More for something to do than anything, I decided to follow him again.

     I drove to the school and parked in almost the exact same spot I'd chosen to wait for him last time. As I sat and waited for the final bell to ring, my mind began to wander. Of course, the first place it went was directly to Micah.

     I was still shocked about the whole thing. I couldn't believe that Micah had once been an escort. He'd told me about his troubled childhood, the much older neighbor who had seduced him and kept him quiet with mental abuse. He'd told me how it had affected his self-esteem and his view of sex; and about how he'd slept his way through practically the entire male population of his school. He'd also told me that his views of sex had changed as he'd gotten older and he never wanted his relationships to be based on sex alone again. None of that had prepared for the big news, however. And even after he'd told me that he'd planned to tell me that weekend, I still couldn't help but wonder if he would have if Tad hadn't spilled the beans.

     I heard the dismissal bell ring and registered it at the back of my mind.

     The question was, now that I knew, how did that affect me, and what was I going to do about it? If I had to be completely honest with myself, I knew it really shouldn't affect me. It was a part of Micah's past. As he'd said, it was part of what made him who he was today. And I had fallen in love with him as he was, hadn't I? Hadn't I? Maybe that was the real question. Did I really love Micah or was I just trying to convince myself that I loved him? Maybe I was just in love with the idea of being in love.

     I was so caught up in my thoughts that I almost missed Jake when he came out of the school with a friend and climbed into his car. In fact, I really didn't notice him until he was pulling out of the parking lot. I started my car and pulled into the line of cars waiting their turn to get out of the lot, cursing myself the whole time at my ineptness.

     
You should have been paying more attention
, I scolded myself.
Novak always says that you can't let your personal life interfere with your investigation, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

     I finally managed to get out onto the street and the chase was on. Jake had a considerable lead on me thanks to an overly cautious teen driver that had been in front of me. Who's ever heard of an overly cautious teen driver? I quickly made up for the lost time, and vented my frustration at the same time, by driving like a maniac until he was in site again. It was just plain luck that he hadn't turned off the main road. If he had, I would have lost him for sure.