The True Tale of the Monster Billy Dean (4 page)

Sum days I wos in among them lyk I wos reely won of them. I wos a beest naymd Billy Dean alongsyd a beest calld Gorilla & another with the naym of Kangaroo. And sumtyms I wos so much a beest that I forgot arl abowt bein human. It wos lyk my brane & sole wud disappea. I wud fynd myself lyin on the flor like Id bene asleep like evrythin Id bene doin had been sumthin in a dream. And I wunderd if this wos what Dad ment abowt monsters & if this wos a sine that I wos becomin 1. And I wunderd if I shud wurry abowt this & try to chaynj it but I cudnt chaynj it & it went on happening. & ther seemd no harm in it. It seemd to bring me closer to the mise & birds as wel as closer to the beests from the box. And if truth be told I lovd the feelin of loosin myself & of becomin sumthin els sumthin straynjer sumthin wylder sumthin that seemd much mor strong & bold than littl Billy Dean.

And enyway on other days I wos the proper Billy Dean. I wos a boy a human bein a thing that stood up on 2 legs a thing that spoak owt words a thing that dressd in clowths & had its hare arl cut & cowmd.

On days like this I stood the beests in orda on the carpet & telt them to settl down & lissen. I telt them stories abowt myself & my lyf & my mam & my dad. I telt them tales of God & Hansel & Gretel & of jurnys thru the wood & the wildaness. I showd them the birds at the windo & the mise that cum owt the warls. I telt them this wos the world. I telt them that ther wos a thing calld Blinkbonny beyond the warls. I telt them ther wos beests like them of flesh & blood that flew in the sky & warkd on the erth. I showd them the stars & said that the stars went on foreva. I telt them that stars as big as the world cud fit into the brane. I telt them ther wos goodness at the hart of evrything.

Sum days I stud up very tarl & lookd down upon them and telt them I wos God.

Sum days wen I wos God I smyld swetely.

You hav bene very gud beests, I wud say. And I am very pleesd with you. Wel dun.

But on other days I wud get cross.

I am very unhappy with you, I wud say. You have bene very very wicked & you must chaynj yor ways.

Sum days I wos reely cross.

I have had enuf! If you do not improov I wil reek venjens!

Sum days it wos even wors.

Rite! I wud say. This tym I wil destroy you arl!

And I wud start hittin & kickin them & hoyin them rownd the room so they bownsd off the warls & tumbld across the carpet.

See! I wud say. See wot you have brung down upon yorselvs!

It is yor own folt! I wud yell.

Ther wos always 1 that I wud sayv, that I wud not hit or kik or hoy. It mite be gorilla it mite be hors it dint reely matter. I wud lift them up tenderly after all ther frends wer gon.

I hav sayvd you, I wud say, becos you ar the best of beests.

Afterwards I wud gather arl the beests agen & tel them that my anga had been apeesd & that I had desided to start everything agen.

Wons I had a fludd. I put arl the beests in the bath. I put the plug in the plughole. I said if they did not change ther ways I wud turn the taps on and ther wud be a deluje and arl of them wud drown.

Hav you got enythin to say? I said.

I wayted. Non of them said enythin.

Will you change yor ways? I said.

Not 1 of them said enythin.

Ar you sorry?

Not a singl 1 of them said anythin.

I said to a jiraff — tho it mite have bene a elefant, You ar the only good 1 in the hole wide world. I wil sayv you. You must bild a nark and flote upon the waters til the fludd is gon.

Then I put the jiraff or elefant in a plastic cup that Mam used for rinsing my hare. I put my hand on the tap.

You have brung it upon yorselvs! I said.

And I turnd on the taps & the bath filld up & evry beest exept the jiraff wos drowned.

Afterwards wen I wos dryin all the beests with a towel & a spuggy wos lookin down throu the windo to the sky I started cryin very hard.

I am sory I said. I wil never do this agen. Never. I promis.

And wen I went to bed that nite I put them arl in the bed with me & I told the tale of Rapunzel in her towa & her long long hare.

Ther wos the maykin life game. In this I wos even mor like God. It workd best deep at nite when the moon was shinin in the sky.

I must hav bene 8 or 9 wen I started doin it.

I wud lift 1 of the beests to my lips & wisper that it wos tym for it to cum to life. I wud wisper that I was puttin a spirit & intellijens into it.

I wud wisper meny words like Moov littl beest breeth littl beest. You are no longa a thing of stone or plastic or wood. You ar abowt to becum a livin thing. Lissen to the words of Billy Dean & reseev the gift of life.

I wud go on wisperin & tuchin for a long long tym.

I wud stand the beest on the carpet.

I wud go on willin it to moov. I wud go on tuchin it & strokin it.

Plees moov. Plees breeth. Plees liv.

Did it work?

Wons a munky swung its arm & then wos stil agen. Wons a hors took a step & then another step across the carpet befor it fell down ded agen. Wons I woke & saw many of the beests moving slowly across the flore towards the dore I must never go threw. But wen I sat up & lookd proply evrythin was still.

I tryd other ways of maykin life. I wud fynd a ded fly or beetl or spida & try to mayk it cum to lyf agen lyk Daddy telt me Jesus did with Lazaris. I breethd on it & wisperd to it & telt it it wud liv agen. And wons it did. A littl fly started to buz agen & up it jumpd & flew agen.

But mebbe that was an illushon.

Mebbe it hadnt been reely ded.

Mebbe the munky & the hors wer just a dreme.

Mebbe arl of it has been nothin but a dreme.

Who can tel? Who can tel enything?

I no now that ther hav bene many clever peple arl throu history. I no now that the cleverest of arl peple say that they no next to nothing abowt the mistrys of the world the mistrys of lyf & deth the mistrys of the body & the sole. And ther ar those who think that evrything all lyf all deth & all the yoonivers is just ilushon. Sum think that all of us liv sum weard kind of waykin dreem. They say ther ar no facts & ther is no truth.

So who am I to no?

And who am I to no who put ther hand on me & telt me to cum to lyf?

Sumtyms it seems ther is no anser to anything at all.

It wos abowt this tym wen I wos 8 or 9 or 10 and I playd the maykin lyf gaym that I started seein the things that wud layter interest Missus Malone very much.

I saw fayses in the warls and in the seelin. I saw bodys standin and warkin in the room at niyt. I herd voyses wisperin. Now I start to think that mebbe it was me as I am now wisperin to me as I was then. Mebbe it was me and you my readers who look upon the seens with me. Who can bluddy no? Ther wer kids like me but not like me. Ther wer grown ups like my mam and dad but not like my mam and dad.

Sumtyms it was like they wer insyd myself or that they had steppd owt from insyd myself into the room.

Sumtyms wen I woke from my sleep and saw 1 standin or moving ther I wud dare to wisper.

Hello. Who ar you? My name is Billy Dean.

But they wud be sylent. Or they wud fade bak into the seelin or the warl like they wer scard or shy.

They kept on cumin bak.

I telt my Mam abowt it.

Ar you sure Billy? she said.

Aye Mam.

1 nite she stayd with me wich she hadnt dun for yers.

Depe in the nite after wed bene wating a long tym a fase appeard on the warl.

Ther Mam look, I wisperd.

I tryd to show her wer it wos but no mater how hard she lookd she cudnt see it ther.

Mebbe its not ther at arl I said.

Mebbe it isnt, she said. But mebbe it is & you are a boy with speshal site.

She lookd agen. The fase disapeard then another tuk its plays then a figure moovd across the room. I telt my mam but she saw non of it.

She stard deep into my eys.

Mebbe this is wot its all been for, she said.

Wot do you meen Mam.

I dont no Billy. I dont no nothing Billy.

I said that was OK. I said that I new nothing neyther.

She siyed.

Or mebbe this is the punishment she said. O Billy wot we dun to you?

I dint no how to anser that. But then a mows crept out from its hole in the warl & scamperd cross the room.

Them things! she said.

Ther nice I said.

Ther dirty & they bring arl kinds of jerms. Its time to do sumthin about them.

Dad brout pitcher books abowt Jona and the wale and Samson & Deliyla and Hansel and Gretel and Pinokio & the big bad wulf. He showd me the storys insyd them. He wud sit beside me and let me lene on him. I wud trays my fingas over the pajes as he red to me & at times like that it wos like I was not me the boy carld Billy Dean but like I was part of Wilfred my dad like anotha of his arms or 1 of his fingas. He poynted to the book & told me these are letters these are words these are sentences & payjes.

Look. That says Mowses. That says river. You put the words together & they tell the tale. The bayby Mowses was fownd in a baskit by the river. See?

I told him yes but no I didnt.

Good boy he said. Now we wil look very close at this payj & we wil find the leters that make the name of Billy Dean.

And he took my finger & he poynted with it to the lettas of my name. He poynted to B to I to L to L to Y to D to E to A to N.

And that makes Billy Dean he said. See?

I lookd closely at the pajes.

So Billy Dean is in the story of Mowses? I said.

He laffd owt lowd.

Yes! he said. And Billy Dean can be fownd like that in any tale you care to menshon.

And he got another book that told the tale of a boy & a wulf & showd me how the name of Billy Dean cud be fownd in ther as well.

Isnt it marvelus? he said. Now you do it son.

He sat bak & wotchd.

But I was hoapless.

Sumtimes I fownd a leter rite but yooshly I was rong & often I poynted to a leter that wasnt in Billy Dean at arl.

He didnt mind at first.

He kept helpin & correctin me.

He said practis makes perfect.

He said it was just a mater of time.

He said that 1 day if I kept on trying Id be abel to rite the storys down myself.

Wudnt that be somthin speshal Billy? he said.

Aye I said. It wud.

He tryd to show me how to rite. Hed put a felt tip in my fingas & hold my hand in his & gide it acros a shete of paypa.

These are leters he wud say agen. And thees are words, Billy.

And he wud wisper the nayms of the letters and words in my ere.

B — I — L — L —Y he wud wisper. Billy. Mowses. Wulf. Woods. Jesus. See how the leters make the words & how the words make sentenses & how all the sentenses togather make the tale? Look. The wulf was in the woods.

He said that storys cud be about enything.

Enythin?

Yes Billy. Stories can even be abowt Billy Dean.

I dint no wot to say. He laffd.

Mebbe thats wer we shud start, he said.

He gided my hand to mayk sum words.

Look, he said. That won says Billy. That won says Mam. That won says Dad.

He gided my hand agen very slow & very careful. I saw the leters & words taykin shayp.

That says Wons upon a time ther wos a boy calld Billy Dean. See?

Aye I said even tho I cudnt.

Now try doin it yorself he said.

But wen he tuk his hand away I cudnt do it no mater how hard I wonted to. I just did scrawl & scribbl & nonsens & mess.

At first he just siyed and laffd and evrything was silly and niys and he shrugd and said, Ah well it dusnt mater, Billy. Its erly days. Youll lern in tym just lyk I did wen I was a littl boy. Lets kepe on tryin.

But we kept on tryin & I kept on not lernin & 1 day hed had enuf & he got mad with me cos I wos so thik. The felt tip wos goin arl over the plays lyk it wos a stupid thing. Dads fays went arl red & he clenchd his fists & yelld,

Wot the hell is rong with you Billy Dean?

I d-dont no Dad.

How can a thing like you be a son of mine?

I dont no Dad.

No you dont & nor do I. Weve made a fukin monster not a boy!

O Wilfred! wisperd Mam.

He bard his teeth at her. He grabbd another bit of paper & rote on it fast and hard & shovd it in frunt of my eyes.