The Touch of a Woman (11 page)

“I don’t know what to think.” Ellis sipped her coffee. “Other than that, he was very nice. And I don’t know for sure he was baiting me. Turns out we actually have a lot in common. It’s just that…it’s been so long since I dated, I’ve forgotten what a farce it is. Everything feels so artificial. If we were talking in the break room at work, I wouldn’t have any trouble thinking of what to say. But there’s something about the whole premise of dating that turns everything into theater. The moment the doorbell rings, you freeze up and stop being yourself.”

“And when you do talk, it’s like a sales pitch where you emphasize all the good points and pretend there aren’t any flaws.”

“I can still hear my mother saying, ‘Let the boy talk about himself, Ellis. That’s what they like.’ I can’t believe that hasn’t changed in all these years. Lesbians have it so much easier. Just tell me where to sign up.”

“You’ll be welcomed with open arms. Mine included.”
If only
. “But if you think lesbians have it any easier, I’ve got bad news. Dating is just as much a pain for us as it is for everyone else. Maybe even worse because first we have to figure out which women are into other women. That’s harder than it looks.”

“I thought you all had gaydar. That’s what Jeremy calls it.”

“It’s an imperfect system. Unfortunately, mine goes off around people I
want
to be lesbians. People like you, for example.” In the context of their discussion, that was surprisingly easy to admit, and it evoked a blushing smile. Summer wouldn’t go so far as to divulge her fantasies, nor the fact that she’d studied Ellis’s figure in the fitness center and imagined how she looked beneath that clinging Spandex. “But once we sort that part out, the rest of it’s pretty much the same.”

“But I bet you look at women sometimes and see a potential friend. Men
never
see it that way. You don’t have to watch their preening struts where they puff up and act like they’re God’s gift to women.”

Summer laughed cynically and shook her head. “Whatever gave you that idea? Some of the lesbians I know can strut with the best of them. Trust me, plenty of women out there are interested in only one thing—just like men. Notch that headboard and move on.”

Ellis’s eyes went wide. “Are you like that?”

“No! But then I haven’t been cruising in over twenty years.” On that night, it was Rita who’d strutted so confidently, and Summer who’d fallen victim to her charms. Their chemistry—the raging fire that kept them entangled for twenty-one years—had erupted within moments and they’d gone home together. “I’m not even sure cruising is still in my repertoire.”

“Tell me about it. I don’t have a clue what I’m supposed to be looking for, but dinner still feels like the preamble. Once you say yes, they assume everything else is a possibility. I’m not going to jump into bed with someone I hardly know.” She blew out a breath that sent one side of her dark hair flying. “Like I said, Rex was nice, but the whole night felt so clumsy.”

“Did you feel pressured?”

“Not really, but…” Ellis stared pensively into her mug and then set it aside on the coffee table. “I make him sound so awful, but he really wasn’t all that bad. It was just…blah. I didn’t feel anything.”

“Which is a perfectly reasonable response to a first date. Maybe you’re just not ready.” Her natural inclination was to reach out a comforting hand, but this time she held off.

“I sat there all night getting myself worked up about what was going to happen next. And then when we got home, I could tell he wanted to kiss me. He must have read my body language though because he didn’t even try. Kissing’s personal to me. On the lips, I mean. I kiss people on the cheek all the time, but I don’t go around lip-locking people I hardly know.”

Summer studied those lips as she spoke, wondering how they’d feel. Wondering if Ellis had ever kissed another woman. Or would ever consider it.

“I bet you still think I’m stupid for going out with him.”

“I never said you were stupid. I was worried about the balance of power, but maybe that won’t be a problem.”

Ellis tipped her head and shrugged. “Let’s hope not. I suppose I’ll find out on Monday if his nose is out of joint.” She looked up coyly but made only brief eye contact. “I have a confession. I skipped my workout yesterday because I didn’t want to tell you I was going out with Rex.”

“Aww.” Summer kicked her playfully beneath the blanket. “Why would you go and do something like that?”

“Because I care what you think about me.”

It was an interesting way to sum up their nascent friendship, because she felt the same way. “You don’t have to worry about something like that. I liked you the minute you moved away from Gene Steele and his Fox News, and it’s only gotten better since.”

Ellis laughed. “And considering I wasn’t too sure about you at the time, you know how much I must hate Fox News.”

“Yup, that told me all I needed to know.” Since Ellis had gotten up the nerve to confess how she’d skipped her workout, Summer figured she ought to come clean as well, no matter how embarrassing it was. “I have a confession too…a silly one. At least I hope you think it’s silly. If you don’t, then I could be in trouble.”

“This already sounds good.”

“Yeah, well…I had my own theory about why you skipped your workout. I thought I’d freaked you out the other night…because I might have gotten a little…” She drew her hands from beneath the blanket and wiggled her fingers. “Alythea calls it touchy-feely. It’s a habit of mine. I was worried I’d sent you off screaming and running for the hills.”

Ellis’s smile faded instantly, replaced by an overly dramatic glower. “You know, I wasn’t bothered at the time, but now that you mention it…”

“Oh, great. Now you’re going to terrorize me. I pour my heart out and you use it against me.”

“You call that pouring your heart out?”

“I didn’t want you to think I was an evil lesbian stalker trying to lure you into my bed. Honest, I do it with everybody.”

“You try to lure everyone into your bed?” Ellis craned her neck to look down the hall toward the bedroom. “Must be some bed.”

Summer closed her eyes and shook her head, an outward show of indulging Ellis’s weird sense of humor. On the inside, she felt nothing but relief. “It’s a fabulous bed. One owner, low miles. No dents, dings or notches.”

“None?”

“It’s new. Actually it was from our guest room. Rita kept the other one, which was fine by me.”

“Hmm…” Ellis closed one eye and tilted her head, clearly pondering something profound.
“Maybe I should get a new bed. Beds are a lot like kisses. They symbolize intimacy. I think it would be weird to share a bed I’ve shared with somebody else. Not that I have any idea what that’s like. The last time I slept with anyone other than Bruce, it was in a dorm at Berkeley. I hate to think how many people banged on that old mattress.”

There was no stopping the mental image of Ellis writhing beneath a fumbling college dude, though in Summer’s vision, she looked the same as now. Eyes closed, mouth open. Long arms and bare shoulders visible above the sheet.

“…a new bed anyway,” Ellis was saying.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“I said I can’t afford a new bed right now. Maybe I’ll use that as my marker. No more dates until I get a new bed.” She visibly shuddered. “I can’t believe I’m even talking about it.”

“You’re allowed, Ellis. It’s not like you’re a hundred years old. We’re sexual beings. That’s human nature. It doesn’t mean you should do something you aren’t ready for, but don’t feel like you have to fight it because of some arbitrary timeline.” Summer looked down and realized she was doing it again—stroking Ellis’s hand as she talked. “Sorry.”

Ellis smiled as she intertwined their fingers. “It’s okay. It’s
your
human nature, so don’t feel like you have to fight it.”

* * *

It was after midnight when the movie ended and Ellis shook herself awake for the short walk home. A cheery end to what earlier had been a miserable, anxiety-filled day.

“I’m waiting right here until you get home and flash your porch light,” Summer said sleepily.

“In case someone’s ex-girlfriend is hiding in the bushes and decides to take me out?”

“Don’t even joke about that. There’s no telling what that woman is capable of.”

With both of them standing in the open doorway, Ellis stepped into a hug. Summer was small in stature, and her soft blond hair nestled warmly beneath her chin. Kissing the top of her head felt like the most natural thing in the world.

But then she closed her eyes and tightened her embrace, imagining for a moment how it would feel to have Summer’s lips brush against her neck.

Separating abruptly, she shook her head and blew out a deep breath to make sure she was wide awake. The thought hadn’t been conscious at all. Probably just a fleeting dream triggered by their earlier discussion of Rex walking her to her door.

When she reached her apartment, she flicked her porch light and watched Summer do the same.

The small light over the stove cast a soft glow throughout her kitchen and living room. Everything had been scrubbed and straightened on the possibility she’d invite Rex in for an after-dinner drink. It seemed almost silly to imagine such a scenario. Nothing about him made her wish to feel his arms around her waist, kiss him or have him touch her in an intimate way.

Whereas the thought of doing those things with Summer was arousing. A part of her had already picked up on what Summer had confessed. Her attention, her flattery. And she liked it.

Which was just the oddest sensation.

The black dress lay across her bed, along with the slimming bustier that had tightened her torso and pushed her breasts up and in to form a deep cleavage. Yes, she’d considered changing clothes before showing up at Summer’s door with a coffee mug. But she’d known her sexy look would dazzle. That Summer would appreciate her towering elegance in the Zanotti heels she’d bought especially for opening night at the San Francisco Ballet.

What she didn’t know was why Summer’s approval mattered so much. Or why she was deliberately pushing those buttons.

It wasn’t the same feeling as when she’d met Roxanne for lunch. Back then she’d labored over what to wear, knowing Roxanne would show up in something her personal shopper had found in Union Square using an unlimited credit card. She’d needed to hold her own against someone like that. And it was nice to imagine she was turning heads in the restaurant tonight, though by the end of their date, she’d cared little what Rex thought of how she looked. But she’d wanted Summer to appreciate her, to fantasize about being with someone so beautiful.

She’d wanted to hear Summer tell her she looked “amazing.”

Ellis counted out eight dollars and change, and dropped another dollar in a jar by the cash register. This had to stop. She couldn’t afford fifty bucks a week for lunch.

The tiny cafe catered to workers in her building, offering morning pastries and coffee, pre-made sandwiches and salads, and energy drinks for that last desperate burst needed to get through the afternoon. Nothing she couldn’t bring from home.

Tray in hand, she scanned the room for a vacant table. Finding none, she interrupted another woman sitting alone at a table for two. “Do you mind if I join you?”

“Please do.” The woman scrambled to move her purse and put away her e-reader. “There’s never enough room in here when it’s raining. I’m Nancy Singleton. I’m sure you’ve seen my office, Singleton Insurance. Life, home, car.” At first glance, she’d looked to be in her late thirties—slender, with golden highlights in a stylish medium cut—but the lines on her face quickly added another ten or fifteen years. Like Ellis, she wore a business dress with low pumps.

Ellis introduced herself and explained she’d just started at
Vista
.

“I usually meet my husband for lunch over in the Renaissance Tower.” Lowering her voice, she added, “Their cafe is much better than this one.”

“I’ll have to try it sometime.” Though she had a feeling it was way more expensive.

“What does your husband do?”

That was a question she’d have to learn to handle in a way that deflected curiosity. Had Nancy not seemed so kind, she might have bristled at being defined by her husband’s work. “He was in finance. He passed away last year.”

“Oh, you poor thing. Do you have children?”

That set the conversation in a new direction, where they compared notes on their families. The Singletons had two daughters in school at Pepperdine, and a son at West Point.

It was a treat for Ellis to find someone in Sacramento with whom she could relate. Nancy was charming, though a bit old-fashioned, with an effusive personality and delightful sense of humor. In San Francisco, she would have added to the diversity of the mothers from Ellis’s circle. Exactly the sort of friends she wanted to make, a new network that wasn’t connected to her old life with Bruce.

The lunch break flew by and Ellis reluctantly announced she needed to get back to work.

“We have to do this again,” Nancy said. “I’d love for you to meet Alvin. I know…I’ll set up a dinner party. Have you found a church yet?”

The question struck her as presumptive. She wasn’t usually put off by anyone’s religion unless they tried to push it on her. “I’m not much of a church-goer.”

“You should think about it, Ellis. It’s a wonderful place to meet the right kind of men.”

Another presumptive remark, but harmless—as long as the dinner party invitation wasn’t meant to introduce her to someone. That she wasn’t ready for, churchgoer or not.

As they left the cafe, a woman pushing an overloaded shopping cart, her hair wet from the rain, stopped to peruse the trashcan. Ellis thought of Pete, the homeless man who spent his days on the corner near her house in San Francisco, and regretted not saving part of her lunch to share. She immediately drew her wallet from her purse.

“That’s so disgusting,” Nancy said, not bothering to lower her voice. “I bet you thought you were leaving that kind of filth behind in San Francisco. At least we haven’t been completely overrun by the gays—not yet anyway.”