The Tome of Bill (Book 6): Half A Prayer (8 page)

Sally, for her part, was wearing an expression that was halfway between exasperation and amusement. She liked the official bullshit about as much as I did, but still had an image to maintain. Concealing the barest of grins, she addressed the lead vamp. “Do you have anything else for me?”

He shook his head.

“Okay, then. Steve, provide our guests with some refreshments and then show them the fuck out.”

Needless to say, her skills as a hostess had been somewhat strained these past several weeks.

Steve, being a far better subordinate than I, nodded for our guests to follow him inside - most likely to the bar. There was no point in ticking off the Draculas over something as silly as failing to offer their lackeys a little hospitality.

The two holding the crate let go unceremoniously, and it landed with a heavy thud. A muffled curse sounded from within.

My eyebrows shot up at the seemingly familiar cadence. Nah, it couldn’t be.

I held my tongue until the undead delivery boys left the room, leaving Sally and me alone with the package. “Did that sound like...?”

“Only one way to find out.” She stepped up to the crate, extended her claws, and shoved them under the lid. One quick heave later and the nails holding the top shut squealed against the wood as they gave way to her strength.

The cover clattered to the floor and we found a very familiar face staring angrily back at us from within.

“It’s about fucking time. I couldn’t breathe in this thing.”

Smiling broadly, I offered a hand to help our newest
recruit
out. My eyes glanced toward Sally. “So what do you think? Return to sender?”

“Nah,” she replied, a wicked grin forming on her face. “I think this one has possibilities.”

“I would never presume to speak for our voluptuous coven master,” I said, earning a glare from Sally, “but I think it’s safe to ask for both of us: what the
fuck
are you doing here?”

“You mean besides the fact that vampires are assholes?” Ed asked, looking none too pleased despite being out of the packing crate and having a nice stiff drink in hand.

I could sympathize, having traveled as a boxed lunch before. The shiner on the right side of his face further drove the point home. “Let me guess - they didn’t ask nicely?”

“Oh, they did...once.” He lifted the shot glass and drained its contents in one gulp.

“Need something for that?”

“Just a couple of aspirin and the names of the vamps who grabbed me.” He reached across the bar for the bottle of Scotch, but Sally pulled it away before he could grab it.

“Sorry, shipments of single malt are a little behind these days. Besides, I don’t recall opening a tab for you.” Her voice was only semi-serious, although I knew there had been several thefts from the booze stockpile as of late - mainly because I was the one doing most of the stealing. “Now, if you two are done stroking each other off, let’s get down to business.”

She got up and walked out, her meaning clear - follow. There were too many prying ears around, both human and vamp, and they’d probably heard too much already.

There would no doubt be questions as to his
recruitment
status. Ed’s condition was...well, weird. Bitten by a former Templar turned vampire, he’d been saved, if just barely, by Sheila’s healing touch. However, something had gone not so much wrong as
off
with the process. Ed had returned to the land of the living, but it would have been a lie to categorize him fully under the species
sapiens
of the genus
Homo
. His blood was now somehow infused with the power of faith, making it extremely lethal for the undead to partake of. At the same time, though, James had casually remarked that Ed still had some vampire taint - his words, not mine - upon him.

The problem was most of the vamps who’d been witness to Ed’s power since then had either exploded, freaked out, or gone batshit insane with the desire to kill him. How that translated to him being here, though, I had no idea.

* * *

Sally closed the door to her office and sat in her chair, which now stood in the middle of a mostly empty room, her back against the formerly gaping portal overlooking the club. It had once again been hastily covered with plywood, at least until the next time I pissed her off. She ignored Ed’s look of confusion and gestured toward a couple of other seats in the room.

“Don’t ask,” I mentioned to him as we sat.

“Smart of James to send you here,” she said.

“James?” I asked. “How do you...”

“He’s the only one who makes sense. Calibra is still a prisoner, Vehron wants him dead, and Colin wouldn’t spare him two thoughts if he was the last blood-bag left on the planet.”

“That doesn’t really add up,” Ed replied.

“Actually, it does,” I said. “Remember that bullshit story he gave the HBC about you, how you were some sort of half-assed biological weapon?”

“Don’t remind me. He was talking like I was some sort of fucking virus.”

“Don’t feel bad. To most vampires, humans pretty much are,” Sally replied. “Tasty viruses, but that’s beside the point. I don’t pretend to know how James thinks, but I can probably surmise the rest. Bottom line is nobody knows what the hell you are. You might be just another human waiting to be squashed like a bug...”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Or you could be useful. If you do have some vampire still in you, it would be utterly unprecedented.”

“You’d be a daywalker,” I said, grinning.

“Yep...”

“Or a gaywalker.”

“Fuck you,” he growled.

“See what I mean?”

Sally sighed. If she still had a desk, I had little doubt her fingers would be digging furrows into it at my asinine comment. She was so cute when she was annoyed beyond...

Purity is key for the First. He shall be your downfall.

Ed jumped at the outburst from Harry Decker’s skull, now sitting on a bookshelf off to the side.

“Oh, hush up.” Sally stood up and started looking for something amidst the clutter.

“Still holding on to that thing?” Ed asked.

“Of course.”

“Well, I think the batteries must be going,” I commented. “That made no fucking sense to me. Anyone have a clue?”

Harry Decker had been a wizard with a hard-on for killing me. Unfortunately for him, his obsession had ended badly. Sally had retrieved his skull as a gruesome souvenir, unaware that it still had some residual magic left in it. Every so often, it blurted out some prophetic bit of gloom and doom for us. More often than not, it would come to pass, but lately it had apparently been getting desperate. Its last warning - something about us being washed away in a sea of our own sins - had foretold nothing worse than the second floor toilet overflowing. Even in death, Decker was still a dick.

“Maybe we’re out of hand sanitizer.” Sally found a towel and tossed it over Decker’s skull like it was some kind of fucking parakeet, then turned back to us. “Getting back to the point at hand, any way you look at things, it costs James nothing to take a few minor precautions to keep you alive until such time as we can figure out what role, if any, you play in this mess. Also...”

“Yeah?” I asked, when she didn’t continue.

She leaned forward. “You don’t repeat this or I make matching earrings from your scrotums. Got it?”

We both nodded.

“I think it might be James’s way of thanking us for saving him.”

“Then why didn’t he just...”

“He can’t. Technically, he should have died at Vehron’s hands. We stepped in and stopped that, but knowing the Draculas’ fucked up logic, he still had to publicly shit on our actions - like we soiled his honor or something. This way, he kills multiple birds with one stone - he saves face
and
helps us.”

“He could have just said that,” Ed complained. “Instead, he sent a trio of goons to stuff me into a box the second I stepped out of the apartment.”

“Appearances are everything to the Dracs,” I offered by way of explanation.

“Yeah, well, appearances are pretty big for me too...especially since I look like I just lost ten rounds in
Fight Club
.”

“Aw, I think it looks kind of cute,” Sally said flirtatiously. “Gives you some character.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” she replied, almost causing me to gag on my own bile. “Don’t get your hopes up, though, big boy. All things considered, I don’t foresee us swapping bodily fluids anytime soon.”

Ed looked crestfallen for a moment, but then, much to my horror, he replied, “Never discount the magic of prophylactics.”

Oh, Jesus Christ, they were
not
doing this with me in the room!

“Sorry, stud,” she said, “but I’ve always been a bareback kinda girl.”

“Okay, can we get back to non-disturbing topics, like vampires wanting to crush my roommate’s skull in?” I fixed both of them with a glare of death. Goddamn, I really didn’t need to be the meat in this sandwich - a continual reminder of my own lack of immediate prospects. “Speaking of roommates, is Tom okay?”

“Better than okay,” Ed replied, thankfully dropping the subject of boning Sally. “The tenants in our old place have been moving out in droves. Most of Christy’s coven took over their leases. I won’t lie. Living in witch central does translate into a better night’s sleep these days.”

“Cool. Any of them single?” I asked half-heartedly.

“I hate to interrupt,” Sally interrupted, “but it’s time, Bill.”

“What?” I looked at my watch. Fuck! “C’mon; can’t we skip a day? I mean, it’s practically a celebration here.”

“Then you can celebrate downstairs. Now let’s go.” She stood and pointed to the exit.

“What’s up?” Ed asked, confused.

“Only the most hilarious part of my day. You’re welcome to come along if you want. There’s nothing quite like watching Bill’s combat training.”

I’d been pretty down in the dumps when I’d first joined Pandora Coven. It stung finding out that Sheila had moved on. The only thing keeping me from blubbering like a little baby had been the misconceptions I’d had about my new gig.

In between fights for survival in an increasingly hostile world, I figured I’d at least get some downtime surrounded by multitudes of T&A. That’s only logical, right? You get a job at one of the premiere strip clubs in Vegas and you expect a few perks, like heavily discounted lap dances. Things like that can go a long way toward mending a broken heart.

Not so much with Sally as the proprietor. It didn’t help that, unlike Village Coven, most of the vamps under Sally’s rule were a by-the-book bunch. Sure, there was Kara, but Sally had read me the riot act before we’d even first stepped through the door - not that she needed to. I mean, jeez, she was Tom’s baby sister. It’s not like I would’ve thought...well, I would’ve
thought
about it, but I wouldn’t have tried - much.

My next mistake was in thinking my various interactions with the other vamps would be the same. I’ll admit to having run Village Coven fairly loosely. Usually, I’d show up on the weekends, grouse about how Sally was fucking things up, yell at anyone for being too...well...vampiric when it came to hunting humans, and occasionally sit around and watch the more attractive members jiggle for a little while. All in all, it wasn’t a particularly demanding gig - minus the occasional assassination attempt, coven war, mage bombings, and the like.

I had been considered the coven master on paper, but Sally had been my partner all along, so I assumed our relationship would continue along that path. In that, I was likewise wrong. These days, if she said I needed an ass-kicking, my status as the formerly unique Freewill didn’t mean shit.

I contemplated this as I slammed upside down into the solid concrete wall. Judo was quite the effective combat technique. Adding vampire strength to it made it utterly brutal - cool to watch, but a lot less fun to experience.

“Again.”

I peeled myself off the perpetually damp floor. The subbasement wasn’t technically a part of the sewer, but was connected to it. As a result, the humidity was always high and there was always an ever-so-slight background smell of ass. In short, it was gross. Painful, too, because Sally didn’t believe in using mats.

I turned and faced the large vampire who’d tossed me. He was a big guy, about six-foot-four and a former bouncer, according to Sally. His name was Brock, but I always referred to him as John Holmes behind his back - mainly on account of the ridiculous porno-stache he wore. Jeez, one of these days I was gonna have to break it to this guy that the seventies were over. For now, though, I did as Sally ordered and once again approached my larger, and much better trained, opponent.

It wasn’t quite boot camp, but Sally insisted on a training regimen for all vampires under her leadership - especially me. Don’t get me wrong - some of it was cool. I mean, watching Kara and the other girls train was great fun in a
Dolemite
or
Sin City
sort of way. The mental image of walking into a strip club, failing to tip one of the girls, and receiving a proper kung fu smack-down in return was an awesome one.

Where I was concerned, though, it mostly just hurt.

Brock and I began to circle each other in the dim torchlight of the subterranean enclosure. He was larger and more skilled, but he wasn’t a very old vampire. Although the concept was somewhat laughable, I actually had a small leg up on him in terms of strength. He was also a petty goon, possessing far more brawn than brains. So, in theory, this was a fair fight.

In actual practice...

“Sweep the leg!”

I turned to where my roommate stood watching the sparring match, a smirk upon his face. “What the fuck are you...?” and found myself airborne again. Fucking dickhead. I was an idiot for having even acknowledged him - especially since he’d been doing the same goddamned thing nearly every day in the two weeks since he’d arrived.

Sally walked over to where I lay and looked down upon me. “Distraction is the enemy.”

“So is being a smug bitch.” I reached out, grabbed her ankle, and knocked her legs out from beneath her. It was petty as all hell, but I got a shit-ton of satisfaction watching her ass smack down on the dirty concrete.