The Title of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 8) (9 page)

“Thou wouldst bet thy sweet bippy, oh Ichabod who art the man. I am desirable, am I naughtte, my Ichabod?”

“Um, yes, Ma’am.”

“Good, for there are things that I would do to you.”

“You’re not going to turn me to stone, are you?”

“I sense that I have already turned one appendage to wood.”

~gulp~

“Join with me, Ichabod! Together, we will rule the World!”

“But what about Miss Stephanie!”

“That bothersome wench! I have plans for her. There’s no need to let good food go to waste.”

“Hunh?”

“Oh, nothing, darling.”
~pounce!~
“I have you pinned, Ichabod. My remarkably strong grip holds your hands back high above your head. My luscious, voluptuous, body presses against you. You are powerless against my irresistible charms! My intoxicating fragrance melts your will. You know that you experience pleasure. Together, we shall be the World’s original power couple! We shall be unstoppable! Admit it, you desire me. We are meant to be together!”

~gulp!~

“You are for
me,
Ichabod!”

“Eh hem, I sayeth, I thinketh naughtte. No, rather, wherefore the future movements thou wouldst engage in Madam, will be exiting this young man’s room forthwith, post haste and immediately on penalty of forfeiture of one’s eyes, eh hem?”

“
Hiss!
The quest-wench! How didst thou enter this room? I locked the door! This be witchcraft!
Eek!
”

“Verily, thou hadst
better
runneth, lest I rippeth every strand of hair from thine scalp, sorcer-skank!”

“Eek!”

“Gee, that Miss Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin took off out the door and down the hall like a pack of angry opossum were nippin’ at her heels.”

“Verily, I have no doubt she divined by mine voice that I was in complete earnest as to my promised actions.”

“I reckon that was good thinking on your part, Miss Stephanie, Ma’am. You were right, that Miss Morgana sure ‘nough did try to pull a fast one. She was
really
trying to vamp me, I tell you what! You slipped out from under the bed where you was hiding in the nick of time! Do you think she’ll be back?”

“Naughtte bloody likely.”

chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug

“Gosh, Miss Stephanie, this here questing is more fraughtte with peril than I had at first imagined. I didn’t figure on getting roasted in my armour, blinded by salt, eaten alive by hungry insects, nor heavy vamping by sexified sourceresses. I thought all I had to do was defeat a big ol’ ogre and be done with it.”

“T’is a road with many an unexpected turn, m’lord.”

“Are we getting any closer to that there magic ogre’s castle, Ma’am? This questing business will flat wear you to a frizzle frazzle and that’s the Jack-Rabbit dog-gone nut of it, I tell you what. If I ain’t shooting straighter than a factory fresh Colt ‘78, then I’m swimming in Davy Jones’ locker eating a ‘nanner sammich.”

“Truly thy words are beyond my ken, m’lord.”

“Hunh? Don’t you know no good English when it’s getting talked at ya?”

“Eh hem, I see, it seemeth m’lord ist displeased with mine own common tongue and pines for more sophisticated company with which to share such pleasing ideas on high. Verily, I be deepest ashamed for thou art from a distant future where education is a common thing and even women may learn to read and write. Alas, this poor soul lacks thy tender graces. Thou hast such a clever way of speech whereas I am the bearer of a simple mind that blooms naughtte in great and wondrous thought as thy brilliant and shining brain as is evidenced by thy golden speech. The bicameral hemispheres of my gray matter are but fecal matter next a mind such as thine. Oh, pity me that I am but a simple minded female that can no more ken the meaning of thy lofty phrases than I can grasp a bird in the sky, the early morning mists, nor moonbeams on a summer night. Nay, I must beg of thee to grant mercy and patience for my incomprehension and lackard’s wit. A humbling thing it is to be caught within the brilliant luminescence of thine infinite intelligence, m’lord, and I pray that I am able to cause thee the least consternation as may it be allowed of mine empty mind.”

“Uhb, gee, um, I reckon I owe you an apology, Miss Stephanie, Ma’am.”

“We are in agreement to this reckoning, m’lord, and I graciously accept thy due apologies.”

“You know, there are folks in my time that are not against a woman getting an education. Heck, I’m all for it myself. I’ve seen where many women have risen through the ranks of medicine and industry. Some people think that one day, women will be able to vote! Maybe even hold public office!”

“‘Vote’, m’lord?”

“Y’all ain’t got no vote, hunh? Well, I reckon voting is where you get your say in picking your leaders.”

“Ho, ho! What a concept, m’lord! We are to choose who is our Governor?”

“Yes, that’s it precisely!”

“Prithee, how is this fanciful play accomplished?”

“We have elections, where the person that gets the majority of votes is picked as our leader.”

“Thy whimsy knows no bounds, m’lord. The things thee says to entertain me tickle me canoogles. What merry tales you tell! Ho, ho!”

“It’s true! Even a person like me could be elected to lead a large and powerful country!”

“Ahhhhh-hahahahahahahahahaaha!”

“Aw, c’mon.”

“Ohhhhh-hohohohohohohohohohoho!”

“All right, I reckon the idea
is
pretty silly. What I meant was, a regular feller or gal could be elected. They do not need to be born of a noble family. Being a citizen is enough.”

“A commoner that holds more power than nobility? Thy jests art truly of hilarious portent, good Knight.”

“Well, if that’s so silly, then how do you all do it?”

“There is Royalty, and then there are the Common. This is a Holy decree. It is the way of things, m’lord. How dost thee doubt what thou can see and have always known and have always known to be, forsooth?”

“How did Arthur come to be King?”

“He pulled Excalibur from the stone.”

“Hunh?”

“The land of Britain itself, magically caused three spiritual women to be formed. These Holy Faeries forged a physical manifestation indicating a birthright to rule. This was the blade, ‘Excalibur’. Fashioned as a sturdy broadsword, this is the source of England’s power! One spiritual woman was chosen to be responsible for the sword. She came to be known as ‘The Lady of the Lake’ as she lives underwater in the brooks, lakes and ponds, of the nation. In a land constantly at war, one great Knight of battle finally gained sway over all the Britons. This great warrior, through the crucible of endless battle, proved to be worthy of Monarchy. The ‘Lady of the Lake’ saw that the sword be queathed upon Uther Pendragon. Alas, Uther’s bloodlust in battle was equally matched by his womanlust in victory. The precarious truce Uther had built quickly fell to his inability of keeping his greaves on. The great Uther soon found himself cut off from his men and in mortal danger. In a last act of his fading life, the indomitable Uther plunged Excalibur, England’s Sword of Power, into a large rock. Impressing his will upon the thing in doing so, somehow, Uther imparted a form of magic himself upon the sword for he cast a spell that no-one may pull the sword from the stone but the one true King. For many years afterwards, many brave and noble Knights fought and competed for the right to attempt a go at the sword. Countless Knights made the attempt but it was naughtte until Arthur, quite by accident actually, pulled upon Excalibut and the sword came free of the stone at last. Arthur is widely considered the greatest King in history. Perhaps the greatest king for all of history.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Does that naughtte seemeth a proper ascension to the throne, m’lord?”

“Water pixies that make magic swords and then randomly choose murderous madmen who then go and shove the thing into a rock until some clod with a good grip yanks it out to decide a ruler? It could end up going to a vandal minded jerk with a chisel and hammer. Maybe a little lube and the right touch was all you needed to pull this sticker out of the ground. It could have gone to anybody! That is a basis for ruling a mighty country?”

“Arthur has proven to be a good king. As far as we are concerned, the stone trick worked.”

“Yes, Ma’am. Oh, well, sure, why not? I like our elected democracy, but more often than not, we end up with a bunch of forked-tongued crooks. Besides, y’all’s country’s basis of governing makes for a much more romantic tale.”

“Thank you, m’lord.”

“I reckon that ol’ Uther must have had an inkling that he had a son somewhere, somehow.”

“I am sure that Uther was confident that the wide casting of his seed would bear fruit and a true king arise therefrom.”

“Hey looky there, Miss Stephanie, Ma’am, I see a tent up ahead. It is tall and silky, striped in luxuriant deep purple, green and gold. A long thin little banner waves atop.”

“I sayeth, m’lord, but that animal tethered to the side is like none I have ever seen! It stands far taller than any horse! Like that of a dragon, its long neck extends far from its hairy body to rise high in the air to look down at us. Eek! It just spat at us! Merry, t’is a good thing that its foul spittle struck thee and naughtte I! Eee gads, what a monster! The horrible thing is hunch-backed! Its grotesque deformation climbs to tower over us!”

“Aw, don’t you worry none, Miss Stephanie, Ma’am, this here feller ain’t gonna hurt you. He is actually gentle and sweet if you treat him right. I think this feller didn’t like all the noise, steam, and smoke coming off our little Miss Beemer. I love animals. If I didn’t have this dang ol’ armour on, I’d go over and pet him to say hello. I’ve only heard of these creatures, I ain’t never met one in real life before.”

“What is it!?”

“A camel, Ma’am. Let’s stop in and say hello.”

“Eh hem, I sayeth, I agree. Prithee, bring this cart to a halt and let us meet this noble personage that travels by such a strange steed.”

~clankety-clankety-clank~

“Howdy, anybody home?”

“My supernatural senses detect the arrival of unexpected trespassers. Visitors stand, at my en-trance.”

“Hey, that was pretty good demonstration of supernatural powers! May we come in?”

“Who dares to disturb me, from my mystic trance?”

“I am a Knight of King Arthur’s Round Table, sir. I have my official, Court approved lovely quest-wench with me.”

“Enter, Sahib.”

“Thanks, sir-woah! You are a tall feller, ain’t you? You must be on the North side of six and a half feet! The fact that you are very thin and wear close fitting clothes of indefinable Eastern origin only magnifies your amazing height! Not to mention the big, silky, paisley turban with ridiculous, big fake ruby stuck in the middle what makes it where you appear as a good seven footer!”

“To me you shall bibble babble naughtte. State thy name, little Knight.”

“Let’s not be rude to the lady, sir, this is Miss Stephanie Tartt O’Plum. My name is Ichabod...”

“Ichabod! Ee-
you
art
he
who art known as the man Ichabod?

“You ain’t got to say it like that, mister. You act like you got a mouthful of overly tart lemon taffy. What kind of a handle do they hang on you back home?”

“I am a famous magician the world over! From the forbidden steppes of the Tibetan Plateau I come. It was there I was brought up in the most secret magical temples. I am born to practice the dark arts. Traveling the planet, honing the nuances in the nether-craft, my journeys have carried me through India, Persia, Tahjikistan, Wahkawahkastan, Guacamolistan, Fringedmoccastan, Livingstonleystan, Oliverlaurelhardystan. I crave ever more knowledge and power, for my ambitions have no limit! I am the ‘See-er’. The Swami to the Stars! I am the man with the all seeing eye! I am Mischa Mauer! I am, Mischa the
Great!
”

“Well ain’t that something? A traveling world famous magician! Could you do a trick for us?”

“I do naughtte do tricks! I perform inexplicable feats of supernatural miasmorphia!”

“Gee, like what, for instance?”

“I can do anything! I see, all! I know, all! Future knowledge is at your beckoning, … for a nominal fee, of course.”

“Yessir, of course.”

“Merely to defray expenses, you understand.”

“Yessir.”

“Camels do naughte grow on trees, my friend.”

“Nossir.”

“Nor are they cheap for upkeep.”

“Nossir.”

“Nor the Cockatoo that has landed on your head, nor the chimpanzee that is giving a thorough olfactory inspection of your female.”

“I’d prefer it if you addressed Miss Stephanie as Miss Stephanie.”

“Of course, oh great magician of Camelot, I will call it anything you want.”

“Did you say that you were an expert at predicting future events?”

“Not prediction! Fact! I see what will be.”

“Even far into the future?”

“Yes! The Great Mischa sees all!”

“Hah, well that’s where I’ve got you, mister! You see,
I’m
from the far off distant future! I come from over a thousand years from now! There is no way you can see that far into the future! Go on, take a shot. I’ll tell you how far off you get.”

“The Great Mischa is never wrong!”

“Then let her rip you rural Russian, fish egg dip!”

“First let us be comfortable. I shall even allow the woman to sit with us. Relax on these piles of pillows and let the thick incense bring tranquility to thy thoughts. I now place this huge sphere of ancient crystal on this central pillow. As I weave my hands around the crystal ball, you may see shapes swirling in its depths.”

“Will we be able to see the future, there?”

“No! Only I can see distinctly into the crystal! To you, it is only indistinguishable swirls!”

“But I’m paying for it!”

“No!”

“Awww.”

“Where was I? Oh yes, I must weave my long fingers about the marbled sphere in a complicated spell.”

Come to me, words that rhyme,

from this rube, separate his dimes,

as his jaw is dripping slime,

send my vision across time!

“
Ah, yes, the patterns become clear.”

“What do you see, Swami?”

“I see a device. It has an inexplicable ability to grant the owner the knowledge of time itself!”

“Hey, that’s right! You are describing a clock, or even a  watch! Go on, Mischa!”

“I see a device that can capture a single image, as that of the most detailed artist in an instant!”

“Hey, you are right again, Mr. Mischa! You are describing the dry collodion plate, photographic process!”

“I see many of these images run together one after another in a rapid process that recreates the illusion motion!”

“Gosh, I have heard of inventors moving in that direction, Mr. Mischa, sir. This is fascinating! Go on, you crazy Swam-bat, you!”

“I see man being able to communicate with other men in distant lands.”

“This is uncanny! You are describing the telegraph and telephone!”