The Sweet Hereafter (21 page)

C’mon, Babes, Dad said. You’ll be the star of the show.

Some star, I said. What you mean is, you and Mom’ll be the stars of the show! That was the main reason I didn’t want to do it. Of course, they thought I was just ashamed of being in a wheelchair, which was partly true, but I was slowly getting over that by then. Twice a week, since I’d come home from the hospital, Mom had been carting me over to Lake Placid for physical therapy at the Olympic Center, where there were lots of kids and young people who were even worse off than I was, and some of them had made friends with me, so I was beginning to see myself in the world a little clearer by then. I didn’t feel so abnormal anymore, and I didn’t worry so much about whether I was lucky or unlucky. I was both, like most people.

No, the reason I was dead set on avoiding the graduation ceremonies was because Mom and Daddy were so dead set on getting me to do it and because they wanted it for themselves, not me. They didn’t realize that, of course, but I did. Sometimes I almost felt sorry for them, the way they desperately needed me to be a star, and that’s why in the past, before the accident, I had always given in to them.

But no more. Now I only did what I wanted to do, for my reasons. For my reasons I didn’t go to church with them anymore, I didn’t teach Sunday school, I didn’t baby sit for anyone in town (although no one had asked me to), I didn’t go to the movies or to restaurants with the family. Instead, I stayed home, behind the door of my new room, and that I did for my reasons too. No one else’s.

Anyhow, in the middle of our arguing about this, the phone rang, and Mom got up to answer it. Daddy hates talking on the phone and never answers it himself, even if he’s standing beside it when it rings. He walks away and lets one of us do the job for him. I never minded, and I used to rush to the phone when it rang, hoping it was for me; but no more, of course.

A minute later, Mom came back to the table, looking I worried. That was Billy Ansel, she said to Daddy. He wants to come over. To talk to us, he said.

He say what about? Daddy asked, sounding suspicious, although as far as I knew then, he liked Billy Ansel well enough. Everyone did. In fact, Billy Ansel was more of a local hero than Sam Dent was. If they wanted a graduation speech about a role model, they ought to get someone to make it about him.

No, Mom said.

‘Was he drinking, could you tell?

I can the ll about those things, Sam, you know that.

I just listened. This was new, Billy Ansel drinking and Mom and Daddy worried about his coming over to talk I with them.

Rudy asked to be excused, and then Skip did, and Daddy said sure, and they took off to watch TV in the living room, with Jennie following along behind. Usually, that’s when I disappeared from the table too, heading for my room, but this time I stayed.

Is he coming over now? Right away? Daddy asked.

Mom got up and started clearing the table. That’s what he said.

Daddy turned to me and said, ‘What’re you up to tonight, Babes? Trying to get rid of me.

Nothing.

No homework?

Done. Besides, it’s Friday.

Nothing good on your TV?

Nope. Thought I’d wait around and see Billy Ansel, I said, but as soon as I said it, I realized that I didn’t want to see him at all.

Because of the accident. Maybe that’s why Mom and Daddy were so nervous about his coming over.

In the last couple of years, after Billy’s wife died, I had become his kids’ regular baby sitter, and now they were gone too. Maybe I was stuck in a wheelchair and all, but I sure wasn’t dead, like his twins, so the idea of him seeing me made me cringe with shame. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone whose kids had been killed in the accident, but especially not Billy Ansel.

Actually, I said, now that I think about it, I’d just as soon stay in my room when he comes.

Fine, Daddy said, obviously relieved, as I shoved my chair away from the table and rolled across the kitchen toward my room.

Daddy, when he comes I said, trying to think of what I wanted him to say for me to Billy Ansel, remembering all the times I had tucked Jessica and Mason into bed, remembering how they loved to have me read their Babar the Elephant books to them before they went to sleep, remembering their faces, their bright trusting motherless faces; and I had to give it up-there was nothing I could say to Billy, except I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your children died when my parents’ children didn’t.

Just tell him I’m sleeping, I said, and wheeled into my room.

In a little while, I heard his pickup truck drive up and crunch across the gravel of the driveway. He knocked on the door, and Daddy greeted him in his fake surprise way.

Hey, Billy! What brings you out on a night like this?

C’mon in, c’mon in, take a load off.

I shut off the TV sound and with Fergus the Bear in ‘my lap rolled my chair over next to the door so I could hear them better. Mom was washing dishes at the sink; I heard Billy and Daddy scrape their chairs on the floor as they sat down at the kitchen table. Billy still hadn’t said anything. I wondered what he was like when he was drinking. He used to go out a lot at night, which is why I baby sat so often for him, and most times when he left the house he said he’d be having a few beers with the boys down at the Rendezvous or the Spread Eagle, in case of an emergency or something, but when he came home he never seemed drunk or anything. Just sad, as usual. Because of his wife, I assumed. That and Vietnam. He was a well known Vietnam vet, and those guys are always a little sad.

‘Would you like a cup of the a, Billy? Mom said.

There’s a piece of cake left, if you want.

No. No, thanks, Mary, he said in a flat voice.

So, Daddy said. ‘What brings you out tonight?

‘Well, Sam, I might’s well tell you the truth. It’s this lawsuit you’ve gotten yourself all taken up with, he said.

I want you to drop the damned thing.

I don’t see how that concerns you, Billy, Daddy said. I could tell from his voice that he was smiling but was seriously mad. That’s what he does when he’s mad, keeps on smiling but shifts his voice down a notch. It’s scarier that way.

It does concern me.

Daddy said, I don’t know why it should. There’s a whole lot of people in town that’s involved with lawsuits.

We’re hardly unique here, Billy. I mean, I can understand how you feel, it’s depressing, sure, but it’s reality. You can’t just turn this off because you happen to think it’s a bad idea. Half the town is suing somebody or other, or getting ready to.

‘Well, I’m one who’s not suing anybody. And I don’t want a damned thing to do with it, either.

Okay, so fine. So stay out of it, then.

That’s exactly what I’ve tried to do. I’ve really tried to stay the hell out of it. But it turns out that’s not so easy, Sam. You’ve gone and got yourself some hotshot New York City lawyer, this Mitchell Stephens you and Risa and Wendell Walker and the Ottos.

Yeah, so? Lots of folks have got lawyers.

But yours is the one who’s gonna subpoena me, Sam.

Force me to testify in court. He came by the garage this afternoon, real smooth and friendly.

‘Why would he do that? Mom said. You didn’t have anything to do with the accident. She’s so out of it. Even I knew that Billy had been driving behind the bus’ that day, so he could wave at his kids, like he always did. That made him the only person not on the bus who’d actually witnessed the accident, which meant that he’d be the one to tell if Dolores had been driving safely. They naturally couldn’t sue anybody if Dolores was driving recklessly and only Billy knew the truth about that.

And if the bastard does subpoena me, Billy said, ignoring Mom, then all these other lawyers are gonna line up behind him and try to do the same thing.

No, that won’t happen, Billy. Mitch Stephens’s case is small, compared to some of these guys, and very focused.

The way he told me, all he needs is for you to say what you saw that day, driving along behind the bus. I know it’s a painful thing to have to do, testifying and all, but it’ll only take a few minutes of your time, and that’ll be the end of it.

‘Wrong, Billy said. That’s purely wrong. The other shysters’ll copy him, or do a version of whatever he’s doing, and there’ll be all kinds of appeals, and I’ll be tangled up in this mess for the next five years. And believe me, you and Mary will too, he said. This thing is never going to go away, Sam.

C’mon, Daddy said. You know that won’t Do you know, Billy interrupted him, that we got lawyers suing lawyers, because some people were stupid enough to sign up with more than one of the bastards? And we got people switching lawyers, because these sons of bitches are bribing them, making deals and dickering over percentages. I hoped Mom and Daddy hadn’t done that, switched lawyers, because of mister Stephens’s computer.

Billy said, A couple of local folks I won’t bother to name-but you know them, Sam, they’re friends of yours they’ve even started a suit against the school board, because they’re not happy with the way they decided to use the money that got collected around town last winter and the junk that people sent in from all over.

There’s one group in town that agrees with the school board and wants to spend the money for a memorial play ground and donate the junk to the Lake Placid Hospital, and another that wants the money to go against this year’s town tax bills and maybe have a tag sale or something to get rid of the stuff. He laughed, but he wasn’t amused.

I knew Mom and Daddy were in the second group, but I guess Billy didn’t.

Yesterday, he said, I heard somebody wants to sue the rescue squad, for Christ’s sake. The rescue squad.

Because they supposedly didn’t act fast enough.

This whole town, Billy said in a suddenly dead voice, the town has gone completely crazy. I used to like this town, I used to really care about what happened here, but now… now I think I’ll sell my house and the garage and move the fuck away.

That got Mom upset the word fuck, not the idea of Billy’s moving.

Billy, please, she said. The children.

Like they could hear him over the television It was her own ears she was trying to protect, not theirs. I can’t have you talking that way in this house, she said. Right, this Christian house.

He said he was sorry, and the three of them were silent for a minute.

I was thinking, if you two dropped the case, Billy said in a low voice, then maybe the others would slowly come to their senses and follow.

You’re good sensible people, you and Mary. people respect you.

No, Billy. We can’t drop the lawsuit, Daddy said. I shouldn’t have to tell you, because I run a pretty good tab at your garage, but we need the money, Billy. For hospital bills and suchlike. Just for living.

Christ, I’ll pay Nichole’s hospital bills, if that’s what you’re talking about. The Walkers, they’d drop out if you did. And the Ottos, I don’t think they want to be doing this, either. Then your lawyer wouldn’t have any reason to pursue the case. I bet he’d pack it in, cut his losses, and go home.

None of us wants to be doing this, Billy.

If you two could make a smart shyster like Stephens pull out, then maybe the other people in town would start to see the light, and people could get their mourning done properly and get on with their lives.

This has become a hateful place to live, Sam. Hateful.

Not for us, Daddy said.

No, not for us, Mom chimed in.

What a dumb thing for them to say. It shocked even me. I heard Billy’s chair bump against the floor as he I stood up.

Not for you. Right, he said, not for you. He must have thought they were the stupidest people he’d ever met.

Then, naturally, because of what they’d said, he thought of me. How’s Nichole? She around?

Mom jumped in. She’s resting, in her room.

Yeah. Well, that’s too bad. I haven’t seen her, you know. Since the accident. I guess no one has. Tell her hello for me, he said in a low sad flat way that made my chest tighten, and I wanted to fly out into the kitchen and hug him.

But I didn’t. I stayed there by the door, patting Fergus the Bear and listening, and suddenly I was aware that I was shaking all over.

At that moment, I hated my parents more than I ever had. I hated them for all that had gone before-Daddy for what he knew and had done, and Mom for what she didn’t know and hadn’t don but I also hated them for this new thing, this awful lawsuit. The lawsuit was wrong. Purely and in God’s eyes, as Mom especially should know, it was wrong; but also it was making Billy Ansel sadder than life had already done on its own, and that seemed stupid and cruel; and now it looked like half the people in town were I doing it too, making everyone around them crazy with pain, the same as Mom and Daddy were doing to Billy, so they didn’t have to face their own pain and get over it.

Why couldn’t they see that? Why couldn’t they just stand up like good people and say to mister Stephens, No, forget the lawsuit. We’ll get by somehow on our own. It’s too harmful to too many people. Goodbye, mister Stephens.

Take your law practice back to New York City, where people like to sue each other.

I heard the door close behind Billy, and then Mom and Daddy went up to their bedroom, probably to discuss things in private, which they were doing more and more now, talking alone in their bedroom. We were becoming a strange family, divided between parents and children, and even among the children we were divided, with me and Jennie on one side and the boys on the other. No one in the family trusted anyone else in the family.

It had started back when Daddy began touching me and making me keep his secret, but he and I were the only ones who knew about that, so we had all gone on after wards as if we were still a normal family, with everyone needing and trusting one another, just like you’re supposed to. But now it was like everyone, not just me and Daddy, had secrets.

Mom and Daddy had their secrets, and Jennie and I had ours, and Rudy and Skip had theirs, and we each had our own lonely secrets that we shared with no one.

I knew it was all directly connected to what had happened between me and Daddy before the accident, and through that to the accident itself, which had changed me and my view of everyone else, and now from the accident to this lawsuit which had set Mom and Daddy against me, although they didn’t know that yet, and me against everyone.