The Story of Lansing Lotte (25 page)

“Again?”

Lila didn’t respond.

“Spill,” I said after I took a bite of my sandwich. How did she know I liked ham and lots of it on a roll?

“Nah,” she said waving her hand.

“No,” I said after I swallowed, “I mean it.”

“Let’s talk about you instead.”

“We do that too much already,” I choked.

“I think you need to go to Camlann, as well.”

I stopped chewing.

“What?” I muttered.

“I think you need to see for yourself if he’s there or not.  Just go and see what happens.”

“Guinie’s going instead.”

Lila was silent for a moment, swirling her soup in slow circles.

“Maybe you need to go see what happens there, too.”

I put my sandwich down.

“Why would you say that?” I asked quietly.

“I see the way you look at her. She’s a lost opportunity, isn’t she?”

I stared at Lila, but her sandy blonde hair was draping the side of her face.

“The one that got away, right?” she laughed without humor.

I didn’t respond. Lila was right. She was constantly right.

Lila and I spent the rest of the afternoon together. I didn’t care to discuss Guinie, but I did tell Lila about Elaine. I mentioned how I didn’t know what to do, but I didn’t want to marry her.  Lila seemed angered by that. I could see her defenses rising, saying how I should marry Elaine.

“You want me to marry a girl I don't love? Would you want to marry someone you didn't love?”  I asked, exasperated by her anger.

“I would have liked the chance. The offer. Then I could refuse it.”

I couldn’t help myself, I laughed, loud and long.

“Oh Lila, you kill me. Is that what happened with you?” I continued to laugh, until I realized that Lila wasn’t laughing and my comment was rude.

“It is, isn’t it?”

She continued to look at me. We were on opposite ends of the couch. She sat with her feet tucked up and her legs twisted at an angle. My legs were stretched toward her, but my ankles rested on the edge of the coffee table.

“Not me. My sister.” She began to push her hair back behind her ears; suddenly she looked very young. Too young to be a mother.

“My sister thought she was in love with a man. And when she got pregnant, the man refused to marry her. He refused to acknowledge his own child. I hate that he didn’t even give her a chance. Either one of them.”

“Where’s your sister?  You’ve made it sound like you’re alone.”

“She’s dead.”

“I’m so sorry. You hadn’t mentioned, and I…” I hadn’t asked, really. I had been too wrapped up in myself lately.

“It’s been a while.”

“That’s how you knew?”

“How I knew what?”

“That I had to get over my grief?”

“We never get over the grief, but you do need to carry on. You need to get up, get dressed, and go through each day, even when you feel like you are going through the motions. Each day it gets just a tiny bit better. And some days you take two steps back, but the next day is another step forward.”

I wasn’t looking at her anymore, but I was absorbing her words. I think she meant them more than for just Layne. She meant them for Arturo. She meant them for Guinie.

“So, you’re sister never got the chance, huh?”

“The chance?”

“Yeah, you said to me once, if I only had one chance what would I do? She didn’t get her one chance.”

“Oh, well, she had her one chance. She got pregnant from it. She just wanted a second chance, as well.”

We were quiet for a few minutes until we heard the squeak of her bedroom door and a sleepy eyed Fleur stumbled out to us. She climbed in between Lila’s bent legs and my outstretched ones, and then fell sideways, as if she was still sleeping. Her head came toward me and landed softly on my thigh, while she slid her legs onto the couch and put her feet under Lila’s legs. We made a human chain right then on my couch. For the slightest of moments, I felt like all the happiness I would ever need was right here on my cushions.

After talking with Lila, I remained resolved not to go to Camlann. If Arturo was there, two things would have happened. One, Guinie would have called to tell me he was there. Alive. Two, if Arturo were alive, Guinie wouldn’t want me there. I didn’t need that kind of rejection. I was torn again between my desire for Arturo to be well, and my concern that he might very well be alive. I needed Guinie to know for sure. I needed to know for sure. The band needed to know.

I had called the guys the day after I saw Guinie and explained what I’d seen upstate.  Perk was ready to follow Guinie, until I explained that Guinie and Arturo would need time alone.  Tristan, on the other hand, didn’t agree. He was concerned that Guinie wouldn’t be able to handle Arturo alone. She had just as much to share with him about her own loss, the baby.

I had my own baby to worry about. Ten days had passed from the Halloween party and Layne’s death before I could face another girl.

Elaine was expecting me at her city apartment. The same apartment that she had taken me to on the fateful night of Arturo. It felt ironic to me that I was here while Guinie was off chasing Arturo. I was greeted at the door by Elaine’s brother, Elliott. He greeted me cordially enough, but he wasn’t friendly with me. I shook hands with old Pellinore, Elaine’s father, feeling the awkwardness emanating from him as he didn’t ever trust me, and then I had gotten his daughter pregnant. I had a foreboding feeling he was definitely going to try to force my hand in marriage. That was something I didn’t want. I didn’t think Elaine would want it either once, she knew how I felt.

When she told me about the baby, it was such a shock. I was so angered by other forces that I didn’t have time to process what was happening. Quite simply, I was going to be a father.

I was taken through the formal living room to find Elaine in a small library. She appeared as I had always remembered her, pretty with brownish hair, green eyes, and a hopeful smile. I had a catch in my throat as I swallowed hard, knowing that I was not here to give her what she wanted.

She looked at me for a long moment before she spoke.

“I’m not getting rid of the child,” she blurted.

I stopped immediately before her.

“No, of course, not. That’s not why I’m here.”

I didn’t want to touch her and give her false hope. I had already unknowingly given false hope to another girl. That didn’t end so well.

Elaine’s shoulders sunk down, and if I thought it was relief at first, I quickly realized it was defeat.

“You aren’t here to marry me either, are you?”

“Elaine, do you really want to marry me?” I laughed, but I swallowed the bitterness knowing the answer. She did.

“I don’t think it would be fair,” I added.

“For you? Or me?” she replied.

“Either. Neither.”

Her normally cheerful face was trying to hold firm, but I could see the reality setting in her, and her falseness was starting to show through the façade. She had been trained well, like Guinevere DeGrance, how to act in a socially acceptable manner. Elaine would not cause a scene like she had tried the other night. That was something else altogether. That was predatory.

“I don’t suppose you’ll let me ask you to marry me?” she giggled, half-heartedly.

“Elaine, I couldn’t say yes.”

“It’s because of her, isn’t it?”

“Layne?” I was puzzled.

“Not Layne, but she was right. It’s Guinie. It’s always been Guinie for you.”

I was the one deflated. I couldn’t admit my guilt. I would lose either way. Elaine would be upset if I said it was true, and she would admonish me if I said it was false. It was best to remain silent.

“You’re going to be second, Lansing. I’m okay being second. Second place is fine with me.”

“I don’t want to be Arturo,” I defended immediately.

“I’m not saying you want to be him.”

“That’s what you’re implying.”

We remained silent. Neither one of us wanted to argue.

“What are we going to do?” I asked.

“I’m going to raise the baby. At the estate.” She was decided. I saw no reason to argue.

“Vivian will want to be involved,” I said with concern.

“She already has my permission to be the midwife and be a surrogate mother to me, as I don’t have a mother and will need guidance.”

I somehow knew Vivian would know about the baby before I told her. Her need to be involved in my life, no matter what, would not be deterred. If anything, the prospect of a child fueled her desire to make amends with me.

“And what about me?” I asked.

“What about you?”

“How will I be involved?”

“If we aren’t to marry, I guess only you can answer that question.”

As it was yet to be determined, by myself, how that would be answered, I left Elaine with a promise to meet her for the first baby visit in a few weeks.

Galehaut told me I was a fool for not following Guinie. Then, he called me several other descriptive names amongst them a fool again for not noticing the woman in my own home. Lila.  I blew him off on both accounts. 

“Truthfully, I think you should have followed her,” he said again.

“Lila?”

“Not Lila, Guinie.”

“I can’t keep up with this conversation,” I laughed, as I clicked the controller several times to swing my sword on screen and battle the monster of Galehaut’s newest adventure game. 

“Look, dude, I already told you how Guinie came to see me one night. She didn’t know what to do about you. I didn’t know why she had to do anything about you. I told her to just do you.”

“You did not,” I replied, as my finger slipped and I was beheaded on screen. The blood was realistic and the screen became splattered in red drips that cascaded downward, clearing the game before asking if I wanted to play again.

“Okay, I didn’t say it like that. But I did tell her that if she was finally deciding she was interested in you, she better act before you got swept up by another girl.”

“Layne?”

“No, Lila.”

“What?”

“Dude, do you see how Lila looks at you?”

“She does not look at me,” I sighed.

“I think you’re blind, bitch.”

“William. How would you know?”

“I know that look,” he sighed. I knew it was time to change the subject before I had another too-honest confession from my friend.

“Guinie is starting to have that look. I think that evil Ana helped, though.”

“Ana?” I was shocked to hear Galehaut mention Ana. No one had heard from her since she left for France, taking Morte and Ingrid with her. Not that I expected to hear from her, but I didn’t know that she had been in contact with Guinie.

“I guess Ana called Guinie from France. Told her not to hold her breath for Arturo to return. Said she would only be disappointed by him. If you ask me, she was just projecting her own feelings onto Guinie, but she must have convinced her because Guinie seemed ready to let go of her hope that Arturo would return, until recently, of course. She said Ana encouraged her to go for someone else to distract herself and fill her loneliness.”

I had to think on all that. Guinie and I had kissed in my apartment, but we were interrupted by Layne. When she left my apartment, she went to Galehaut with quite a confession.  That kiss obviously hadn’t convinced her of my feelings, and yet she’d questioned me on Halloween night. She’d told me I couldn’t be interested in her. Maybe she was only trying to convince herself? She had seen me with Layne and heard what I’d done with her. Guinie knew we’d dated a few times, but didn’t I have to move on, too? I couldn’t keep pining after Guinie when she was consistently rejecting me. Then, the chase with Layne, the announcement from Elaine, all proved I was a mess. My head was a jumble.

My phone beeped a text. Lila would be spending the night at Clare’s sister’s. They were drinking and Fleur had fallen asleep, so she was just going to stay. Galehaut had plenty to say about that check in text.
Family
– that’s what he had nicknamed Fleur, Lila and I collectively. I didn’t need to hear any more about my non-wife, as he additionally nicknamed Lila.