The Sportin' Life (34 page)

Mrs. Kaplan turned away from the Addie in the scene toward Addie as she stood, in observance, and she said,
“
I thought you needed me. We
’
d become friends.
”

Can you imagine? Addie was amazed.
“
It was nice to hear all about your family. They were so sweet, so loving, so normal. And your marriage was so happy
—
it gave me hope.
”

Mrs. Kaplan smiled at Addie and disappeared.

“
Ohh that was so nice,
”
said Addie,
“
I had no idea that a patient could be there more for me than I was there for her. She was such a great mother.
”

Then before her was her young self, so far in the past, still long, long ago, and she was talking to the twins.

“
Here, Randy, hold the crayon like this.
”
She squeezed his fat little fingers around the blue crayon and helped him write the letter R.
“
See, Barky, you can do it too, it
’
s easy when you
’
re a big boy.
”
She held his hand and wrote the letter B. They were eighteen months old, fidgety and squirmy, usually filthy, and both immediately moved the crayons back from their right hands into their left, grasping them crudely in balled fists.

“
No, no,
”
she said, her patience dwindling,
“
Didn
’
t I just show you how to do it? Try it my way, you
’
ll see it
’
s better.
”
She repeated the process several times, but the twins were insistent.
“
You know what, I have an idea, how about a treat?
”

Addie set bowls of ice cream in front of the boys, placing a spoon in each right hand and watched with increasing frustration as they first switched the spoons to their left hands, still found it impossible to feed themselves properly, and ultimately dipped chubby fingers into the cold treat.
“
No, no,
”
she insisted,
“
Use your spoons.
”
Several times she replaced the spoons until Randy grew so agitated, he hurled the ice cream to the floor, and then his brother followed suit. Then both boys began to cry. Addie was discouraged. She wanted to help them learn and grow so they could move forward but they resisted everything she tried. Would they never grow up? It was so hard to have two little kids screaming and squirming all the time.

Addie set them down from the table, and pulled them in to her.
“
I know it
’
s hard,
”
she said calmly,
“
It is hard to be big boys. But you can do it, I know it.
”
She wiped their hands clean and pulled them closer as they continued to squirm. Addie held the boys tight, and they yielded briefly until the nanny entered the room and they broke free and ran off.

“
They always had to be the boss,
”
she murmured.
“
Just like….
”

Addie, blocked the remainder of her thoughts, refused to continue with the scene, and it was replaced with the boys, now a few months older, sitting at a child
’
s table with Lissa, who was teaching them to write.
“
Oh, said Lissa, that
’
s okay, you can use your left hands if you like. Just don
’
t use your toes!
”
All three children giggled at this bit of juvenile merriment, and the boys followed her lead, each one writing the letters of the alphabet as she showed them how.
“
See,
”
she said,
“
It
’
s easy! And you
’
re both so smart, of course you can do it! I taught myself to write when I was your age but now you have me to help you so it will be even easier. Good job!
”

And suddenly there was grown-up Lissa, sitting at a child
’
s desk beside a little girl Addie had never seen, a girl of three or four, and they were coloring together. The child wrote
‘
Stella,
’
and Lissa yelped in pleasure.
“
That
’
s fantastic! You write your name so well! I
’
m so proud of you!
”
Lissa took the child tenderly in her arms and held her tightly. Not only did their bodies meld together, but there was a neon glow around them, as though their souls too had merged.

Who was Stella, Addie asked herself? A child of one of Lissa
’
s friends
—
there would be no way to tell because Addie had met so few of them. But they seemed so close. Perhaps she was a grandchild, the child Lissa had said she planned to have. The tiniest pang of sadness crossed Addie
’
s heart. Here was someone she would never meet, would never know. She wouldn
’
t ever become like Mrs. Kaplan, the world
’
s greatest mother. She was gone.

“
I
’
m like Billy Pilgrim,
”
she said.
“
I
’
ve come unhinged from time.
”

“
It
’
s not so hard to float through time if you know how,
”
said Cerise.

“
Yes, well isn
’
t that great, but frankly I
’
ve had enough of this. I
’
m dead, and I
’
ve moved on. I can
’
t change that now, and I don
’
t want to spend any more time doing this. I
’
ve had enough. Don
’
t you see, that was the whole point
—
I
’
d had enough and I couldn
’
t do it any more. And I don
’
t want to do this, not now, not ever. I
’
ve seen your review, and it
’
s enough. If you are who you say you are, then you know how I feel. I want to be free, to be released, to have some peace. I can
’
t do this anymore.
”

“
So you think you
’
re finished?
”
asked Cerise.
“
You
’
re done, you
’
ve completed it all?
”

Addie nodded violently. They were finally hearing her.

“
Can you see yourself moving on?
”

Addie nodded once again. She was dead. It was time to move on.

“
Where will you go next?
”
Cerise asked, completely seriously.

“
Do you mean like Heaven or Hell? Heaven
—
I choose Heaven.
”

“
And what is that to you?
”

“
Don
’
t you know? A place of peace and happiness where I can go.
”

“
And you are still yourself?
”

“
Who else would I be?
”

“
So if you are still yourself, your life comes with you. And if your life comes with you, all the misery that prompted you to end your life, that comes with you too, doesn
’
t it? Then is that Heaven?
”

“
So what are you saying?
”
asked Addie with concern. Perhaps it wasn
’
t so easy to be released.

“
Everything in life is gradual. There are transitions and they usually take a long, long time. At the moment you are dealing with your current life, the life you are in right now and the consequences of the choices you
’
ve made. You have to review in order to understand.
”

“
But I do understand
—
I did see
—
okay, I admit it
—
there was more love in my life than I realized, more joy than I noticed, people did care about me. But what does it matter now? It
’
s all over. I saw what you showed me, I was right here.
”

“
You saw only a little, only what you wanted to see. There is more,
”
insisted Cerise.

“
Okay so I sit through every little detail, and then what? Then there is Heaven and I
’
m what
—
no longer me, so I can enjoy it? You
’
re saying being dead is no better than being alive? What comes next?
”

“
After you
’
ve made sense of it all, you
’
ll know what to do next. You can come home to me, if you like. You felt that already, but you said you weren
’
t ready.
”

“
You mean be consumed into some fog that is you? That would be Heaven?
”
Addie began to shiver, and she wondered what had she done.

“
You would be restored and then eventually, gradually, when you were ready, you would recombine and rebegin.
”

“
Rebegin? Is that even a word?
”

Cerise reached out, and there was a feeling of love all around Addie, but it wasn
’
t enough to calm her fears. She needed to know where she was going, what lay ahead, and that she had done the right thing.

“
Trust us,
”
Cerise said calmly.
“
We
’
ll take you through it and nothing will happen before you
’
re ready. For now you must review, so do it willingly and with an open heart. Nobody is rushing you, though. You saw those who were unready when you first arrived. If you
’
re absolutely not ready, you may wait and we will wait with you, and nobody will pressure you. But eventually everyone becomes ready and when you are, you must review.
”

What could she do? Clearly there were many rules here and she was powerless to change things. She had no fishing pole and all cravings had disappeared, so there was no point in pretending to fish or searching for a candy store. It might be comforting to delude herself but that would only serve to delay the proceedings. Perhaps it would be better just to obey or at least to cooperate.

“
All right,
”
said Addie,
“
Let
’
s go.
”

She was the most beautiful dancer Addie had ever seen. She swirled along, sometimes appearing to be a stunning ballerina, sometimes a black man, tap dancing with absolute perfection, here and there a whirlwind of hail, a bolt of lightning, sometimes nothing but light, and pure energy. Occasionally the dancer would twirl and flow right through Addie, like a breeze that ruffled more than just her hair. Eventually she came briefly to a stop, spoke in a voice that was pure music and said,
“
I am Arabesque.
”
She completed another beautiful turn then transformed herself into an elaborate carpet, woven with lustrous yarns, in designs that overlapped, repeated, and changed into something else. Then she was once again a ballerina, standing beside Addie.

“
Dancer, you
’
re such a kidder,
”
laughed Cerise.
“
She just loves that carpet trick. Hardly anyone knows what an Arabesque is, that
’
s why she does it.
”

“
It
’
s a dance move,
”
said Addie.

“
It
’
s a repeat pattern in a carpet, or any design, swirls that lock and interlock, repeat, and are renewed in new shapes, only to repeat again,
”
said Dancer.
“
That
’
s why I use Arabesque as my name, though everyone calls me Dancer.
”