The Spellmans Strike Again (25 page)

ME
: Good. Don’t.

MORTY
: I didn’t. That’s what I just said.

ME
: Don’t you have some news for me, Morty?

MORTY
: That’s right, I haven’t told you yet. We’re moving back to San Fran.

ME
: Say San Francisco, not San Fran.

MORTY
: Why? Life’s short. No point wasting it on extra syllables.

ME
: It makes you sound like a tourist.

MORTY
: You’re grumpy today.

ME
: You have no idea what the past few days have been like for me.

MORTY
: True, because you haven’t told me.

ME
: Later. You’ll hear all about it later.

MORTY
: Don’t wait too long. I’m old.

ME
: I am well aware of that.

MORTY
: I got the shirt, by the way.

ME
: What shirt?

MORTY
: The blue shirt that says “Free Schmidt.”

ME
: I didn’t send you that shirt.

MORTY
: Who did?

ME
: Rae.

MORTY
: It came with instructions. A typewritten note that told me I should wear it in public at least twice a week. Who is Schmidt?

ME
: A man inadvertently responsible for one of the most traumatic events of my life.

MORTY
: So, I take it we don’t want to free him?

ME
: No, we want to free him. Definitely.

MORTY
: Should I wear the shirt?

ME
: Wear it, don’t wear it, I don’t care. I just don’t want to talk about Schmidt anymore.

MORTY
: Okay. How’s the weather?

ME
: Excuse me, isn’t there some real news to discuss?

MORTY
: Are you referring to my forthcoming return to San Fran?

ME
:
Ahem.

MORTY
: Cisco.

ME
: Yes. Give it to me straight, Morty. How on earth did you convince Ruthy to move back to the city?

MORTY
: Let’s call it divine intervention.

BRIDE OF
SUNDAY-NIGHT DINNER

Rae was in Spellman lockdown when the guests arrived, and there she would remain for the rest of the evening and for several days to follow. I was surprised to find my parents persisting with their rigorous punishment regimen. I say that because the last time I’d tried to get Rae arrested
¹
(for grand larceny of my car), my parents forced me to drop the charges. This time around, there would most likely be a plea bargain and serious probation—which might interfere with her college applications, which would most definitely interfere with my mother’s dreams for Rae’s future.

Maggie found Rae a defense attorney named Zack Frank. Rae tried to fire him because she didn’t like his two first names, but my mother rehired him and informed Rae that she would be making no decisions of her own until she turned eighteen (five months from the date of Rae’s arrest).

When David and Maggie arrived, my mother and father’s behavior got me thinking that they had heard about the anxiety drugs as well—that and the new rule on the whiteboard.

Rule #55—Be extra nice to Maggie

Within the first five minutes, my mother asked Maggie if she was comfortable, if she could get her something to drink. When Maggie said no, my mom said she’d get her a lemonade, rendering the previous exchange moot. My father then suggested that they light an incense stick and do a pre-dinner meditation together. Maggie found this all very amusing, despite the scowl on David’s face. When Maggie sat down on the couch, Dad slid over a footstool and suggested Maggie put her feet up. David’s scowl remained.

“Such a nice face,” Mom said to David, “and that’s what you do with it?”

David turned to Maggie and said, “You tell them, or I’ll tell them.”

Maggie merely rolled her eyes and put her feet up.

“We are not getting sucked into their world,” David said.

None of us knew precisely what he was speaking of, but we gathered it was a general dis on the Spellman clan.

“Hey!” said my dad, not really knowing what he was saying “hey” to.

My mother served Maggie her lemonade and turned to my brother for an explanation.

Maggie sipped her drink and said, “I’m perfectly healthy.”

“We’re very happy to hear that,” my mother replied.

“And?” David said, coaxing her.

“And those pills Rae found in my desk were planted there. Okay? Sorry. I did it so she wouldn’t turn on me like she does with you guys.”

It seemed that Maggie’s stress had imparted stress to my parents, who feared that they or their spawn were the cause of it. So once Maggie’s confession was made, the barometer of stress in the room dipped considerably.

“No harm done,” my father casually replied. “What’s for dinner?” he asked.

In case you’re curious, dinner was an only slightly less bland offering than the prison food upstairs (salmon, steamed vegetables, and brown rice vs. a can of generic chicken noodle soup and stale bread).

After dinner, David got up to use the restroom. The doorknob was missing and the latch was taped flat. You could open and close the door by looping your finger through the hole. My parents had attached a temporary flip sign for privacy that said
OCCUPIED/NOT OCCUPIED.

“What’s happening to this house?” David said at full volume.

“Nothing,” Mom casually replied. “We’re just doing some home improvement.”

“Then why is everything unimproved?”

I studied my parents as David questioned them. Their deceit was taking on an unusual form. It was vague and uncalculated, as if they weren’t sure exactly what they were hiding.

“We’ve been busy. We haven’t had time to go to the hardware store.”

“Then why didn’t you just leave the old doorknobs where they were?” David asked.

“Excellent question,” I added. “It’s not just the five doorknobs, either. There’s a missing light fixture, a towel rod, kitchen drawer handles, and the curtains in the upstairs bathroom. What are you hiding?”

The unit cleared the table and ignored all further inquiries.

Briefly, David and I convened and agreed to investigate the missing hardware matter more thoroughly. The couple departed shortly after that, but for me, the night was still young.

Over coffee and sliced pineapple Dad said, “In light of your troubles with Rae, we thought we should do something to make it up to you.”

“Are you going to buy me a new car?”

“No,” Mom replied.

“A pony?”

“No,” Dad replied.

“Well I hope it’s not a raise, because I was going to demand one anyway.”

“You’ll get another raise as soon as business and the economy improve,” Mom sourly replied.

“I’ve already lost interest.”

“We’re granting you three wishes,” Dad said, trying to make it sound exciting. “Of course, there are some strict stipulations.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Essentially, you may make three demands upon Rae in exchange for the incident.”

“Don’t call it ‘the incident.’ Call it what it is.”

“In exchange for locking you in a file room overnight—”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You may make three random demands upon your sister,” Dad repeated.

“I’m not dropping the charges,” I said defensively, thinking this was some sort of barter.

“No. This is in addition to her official charges. Okay?” Mom interjected.

“Really?” I replied as the evil machinations of my mind began working overtime. Sadly, all my early wishes were nixed on the spot. The nixed list follows:

• I’d like her to shave her head.

• Move her bedroom into the garage.

• Make her audition for
American Idol.

• Dreadlocks?

• A tattoo that says “Isabel rocks!”

• Five thousand dollars in an offshore account.

• Clean my apartment once a week until she goes to college.

• Make her watch
Scared Straight!
in a forty-eight-hour loop.
²

• Twenty thousand dollars in an offshore account.

• A tattoo that says “I ™ my mommy.”
³

By the time I’d listed my tenth wish and my parents said no, I had little faith that I would be able to come up with a trio of punishments that would a) be approved, b) make Rae suffer, and c) provide me with a satisfyingly sadistic pleasure. But after careful ruminations, I found my three. I hope you will approve; I did the best I could.

THREE WISHES

My parents decided that I should have the pleasure of breaking the news to Rae. She already knew that it was coming and had been warned beforehand to treat me with calm respect. Actually, I think this time around Rae’s contrition was not a face she put on but a real understanding that she had gone too far.

“Are you ready for my punishments?” I asked after I entered her room.

Rae took a deep breath and replied, “Yes. And once again I’d like to say how sorry I am.”

“Number one: When you return to school, for one week straight you must wear a dress every day.”

“I only own one dress,” Rae replied. “And it’s that black one from Uncle Ray’s funeral.”

“That still fits you?”

“Mom made me buy it big, just in case.”

“In case what, someone else died?”

“I guess so. Do you want me to wear that one?”

“No. I’ll have Mom pick out some things for you. She’ll enjoy that.”

Rae sighed with great sadness and held her tongue patiently.

“Number two,” I said. “There’s a bag of shredded paper in the basement. I want to know what it is.”

“The time frame?”

“One week.”

Rae took another deep breath, accepting her fate.

“What else?”

“That’s all,” I replied.

“Oh,” Rae said, looking confused. She was under the impression I had a trifecta of punishments. I did but managed to convince the unit that my final blow had to be a blindside. It also required some careful planning and some hard labor. It would have to hold for a while.

I turned to leave; my business was done for now. But I remembered that there was one last thing nagging at me that I needed to know.

“What happened to you on the bus?” I asked. “I think you owe me that answer now, since you used your ‘ride home’ excuse to lure me into that trap. Tell me and we’ll be mostly even.”

Rae stared at the floor for a moment, but she was too beat to argue this time around.

“I was taking the bus home from Henry’s—sitting in the back, minding my own business. A frat boy sits down next to me and the next thing I know, he vomits. All. Over. Me. Next to my night in juvie, it was the worst experience of my life.”

“Thank you,” I replied. I was thanking her for the insight and, frankly, for her new nickname. “I’ll see you later, Barf Bag.”

BACK TO WORK

Tuesday night I parked in front of Shana Breslin’s home and waited for the trash to be put out front. The garbage bins were already out, but the recycling was nowhere to be found. I got out of my car to see if maybe the bin was empty, but when I checked alongside the house, where the receptacles are stored during the week, the green bin was in plain sight and clearly stuffed with goods.

Even though opening the gate and snatching the bags would have taken less than ten seconds, it was out of the question. This basic law of garbology cannot be broken. It’s been drilled into me from the start. The trash must be left out for the public. So I returned to my car.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement in a parked sedan approximately fifty yards away. I scanned the area, trying not to draw attention to my discovery. There was a man in a parked car and he didn’t appear to be doing anything but sitting there. At eleven o’clock at night. And he just happened to have a clear view of the apartment and me.

I casually walked back toward my car and then abruptly switched directions and darted directly at the suspicious sedan, running at top speed. When the driver saw me coming, he immediately started the engine and pulled out of the parking space. It didn’t matter. I was close enough to get his license plate number and I had a feeling that was all I’d need.

I didn’t bother waiting any longer for the recycling. I returned home and went straight to bed.

At work the next morning my mother had the nerve to mention that she’d chosen a lawyer for my next date. I was certain being locked in a file room overnight would gain me at least a temporary reprieve. But she reminded me that appropriate restitution had been made and a deal was a deal. It occurred to me that I might be able to get out of lawyer dates if I informed my mother that Connor was officially Ex #12, but I still wasn’t ready to reveal that information, so I continued to play her game. Although I was seriously toying with the idea of coming clean—about everything, including Prom Night 1994.

Midmorning, I went into the restroom and pulled the door closed behind me, linking my finger through the hole where the doorknob used to be. The piece of tape holding the latch shut must have broken, because I soon realized I had locked myself in. I went into an immediate panic and began pounding on the bathroom door and shouting, “Let me out of here!” over and over again. I am happy to report that Dad freed me within seconds.