The Soul Room (24 page)

He surveyed us, almost regally, I was speechless, incapacitated with
horror and fury. Dan was stood stock still, his eyes riveted to Fabrizio’s
face.

Fabrizio continued, his brow furrowed with concern. ‘Does this sound like
a woman who will make a responsible mother? Does this sound like a family that
will be good for the raising of a child? I say, let us compare them with the
respected vineyard owner, a loving family man – he has roots that go back
hundreds of years. He can offer the baby a great birthright as well as a stable
and wealthy family...’

‘STOP!’ I finally screamed. Amarena nodded slowly, his face creased with
concern.

‘I understand, this is a very hard thing for you. You need time to think
about what I have said. I will return later, in a few hours.’

No,’ I sobbed. ‘I need more time, time to talk to Dan. Come this evening
– later please.’

He laid his hand on my shoulder. ‘Of course my dear. You shall have your
time. I will return this evening.’ He motioned to Mario and the other man and
together they left; softly, like attendants at a funeral. As soon as the door
was closed and locked I launched myself clumsily off the bed and picked
frantically at Dan’s arms.

‘It’ll be all right!’

Dan let his head fall on to my shoulder. ‘What can we do Maddie?’ he
breathed hotly into my neck. ‘He’s completely mad!’

‘We’ve bought some time Dan. If he doesn’t come back till this evening,
it will probably be long enough for Dad to raise the alarm with John. And Nonna
won’t believe that I’ve gone to Rome without telling her. She may even have
already called my family, or the police.’

‘An octogenarian mystic, our Dad and one rogue detective against
Fabrizio, against all this?’ He gestured wildly.

‘It could be enough, we’ve got to hope Dan! Please don’t give up, I don’t
know if I can get through this if you give up!’

‘If only I’d thought of the consequences.’ Dan groaned. ‘That that phone
call was going to bring you here,’ he gestured violently, ‘into this nightmare!
I should have just called the police. But I panicked, I only had the phone for
a moment, I knew the police here were in his pocket, I didn’t know if 999 would
work in Italy, if there was an international emergency number. I just didn’t
think.’

I stroked his hair. ‘It’s OK, I would have called you in the same
situation.’

‘Really?’ He glanced up and tried to smile, and for a moment he looked like
a child.

‘Yes, of course.’

‘But this policeman, John, he believes I’ve been kidnapped?’

‘Yes, or more to the point he believes
I
do.’

‘And that’s enough?’ He said, looking at me keenly.

I turned away. ‘It seems to be.’

Dan got up and strained to look out of the window. A sliver of blue sky
glowed tantalisingly against the greyness of the room. ‘So at worse, taking
into account time for this John guy to get to the airport, book flights, get to
Rome, talk to the regional police and drive to Terranima we’re looking at about
12 hours max?’

‘That sounds about right.’

‘So we’ve got to spin this out – this whole situation – for that long at
least.’ He nodded thoughtfully, his jaw tightly clenched. He wasn’t giving up
yet, thank god for that at least. Then a horrible thought struck me.

‘God Dan, what if he’s got some kind of device in here? Something to
listen in with?!’

Dan smiled wearily. ‘How do you think I’ve filled my time all the weeks
I’ve been here? I’ve checked every square inch of this room. Every crevice,
every cup and scrap of food, and piece of furniture. Besides, unlike his
Mother-in-Law, he’s a Luddite, it’s another sign of his arrogance. Because he
doesn’t like technology he presumes it’s of no use.’

I shivered, ‘I hope you’re right.’

The day was long
and arduous. Dan and I used the time to catch up; getting up and changing
places in the small room like actors in a play; trying to keep from getting
stiff and to work off the waves of nervous energy.

I told him
everything that had happened to me since he had gone missing. Something still
stopped me though, from telling him about my dream room, about talking to my
little boy. It felt sacrilegious somehow, or reckless; as if I would be
tempting fate.

Punctuating the
hours were a series of cramps, sporadically moving across my abdomen. I told
myself that it was just Braxton Hicks practice contractions again (I wasn’t due
for four weeks after all) but in my heart I was sick with worry. By the end of
the day they were getting stronger. And I knew that by the time that Fabrizio
returned to the room that evening, it was becoming hard to stop the waxing and
waning of each cramp from registering on my face. A non-stop commentary to the
baby played in my head,
not yet sweetheart, just a little longer, just a tiny
bit longer please...please!

Fabrizio came back about six-thirty that evening; smiling beneficently
and carrying a tray. There were two plates, filled with beef escalope,
vegetables and sautéed potatoes. There was also a glass of beer and a plastic
bottle of fruit juice. 

'I know I mustn't ‘jump the gun’ as you say, but I thought we could
celebrate our new understanding so I have brought food and drink! Just a juice
for you my dear,' he said with a wink in my direction, 'but there is plenty of
goodness here for both you and the baby.'

Was it possible I could hate him still more? At that moment the depths of
my hatred seemed illimitable.  However, I was pregnant and I was hungry and I
knew that I needed to keep my strength up, so I reached for the plate that he
held out to me. Fabrizio gestured for Dan to take the other plate. He shook his
head, Fabrizio shrugged and put the plate down on the table.

'You must know you can't make this work Fabrizio.' I said, trying to keep
my voice level. 'It's crazy; you don't really expect my family and friends to
believe that I have willingly left my baby here with you?'

'I believe you will manage it, because mother's who don't want to lose
contact with their children are capable of anything.'

'This whole thing can end right here.’ I felt sick, I leaned forward,
looked Fabrizio in the eye. ‘Ring the police and we’ll explain how much
emotional pressure you’ve been under. That your grief has made you ill,’
softened my voice, ‘made you make some bad decisions. We’ll make sure they know
that you’ve treated us well. They would be lenient. I could bring the baby over
to see you often. Make sure he understands where he comes from - what he could
come back to one day.'

 Fabrizio watched me abstractedly. It was only at that moment that I
realised how truly dangerous a man he was; because behind the outwardly normal
expression on his face, chaos was in his eyes.

‘Quite apart from the fact that you brother has some details of my
financial affairs that could be misconstrued by the authorities,’ he said with
a delicate sigh, ‘you must know that we have come much too far down the path to
turn back now.’

Dan shot up, and before Mario could respond he had Fabrizio against the
wall, his hand around his throat. ‘Just let her go you bastard!’ Mario was
behind Dan now, trying to pull him off but Dan was like a rock, his fury giving
him superhuman strength. ‘I couldn’t give a fuck what you’ve been up to or how
you make your money. Keep me if you have to, but let her go or I swear, I
fucking swear I’ll kill you!’

‘Dan No!’ I got to him as quickly as I could. Ignoring Mario I pulled at
Dan’s hands. ‘Don’t do this, or you’re no better than him! I won’t let you do
that to yourself.’ Finally his fingers loosened their grip around Amarena’s
throat. Dan let out a short sob. Mario took hold of him, pinning his arms
behind his back, but not roughly, the Italian’s face was clearly distorted with
conflict.

 ‘The birth of your first-born is the most
incredibile
thing that
can happen.' Said Fabrizio hoarsely, visibly shaken. He lowered himself onto
the bed. ‘
Un momento
you are a man only, the next you are a father.
Un
momento
you are free, the next you are a prisoner. This
questo bambino
,
looks up at you with its big black eyes, and you know that you would do
anything;
anything
for it, you will work your fingers to the bone to
give it the best of everything. Nothing can prepare you, Maddie. And my son, my
buon figlio
look at me, all of his life, with those black eyes; and I
know that however hard I try, I keep disappointing him, and I don't even know
how. I have worked,' he held up his hands, palm outwards, as if showing off the
callouses that had long since disappeared, 'so hard for him. Worked so hard to
make this vineyard something he could be truly proud of - something he could
make
grandioso
- and still those black eyes,
non sono felici
.'

Some understanding, some sadness seemed to pass across Fabrizio’s face,
but it quickly faded. 'You wonder, how can I do this to you Maddie, when you
know I feel this way. But it is my chance, my second chance to make happy those
black eyes. I will show Sergio, through his son, what he mean to me. Finally he
will understand.'

You couldn't make him happy because you didn't understand him
! I
wanted to scream.
He was discontented because he knew that you had no idea
who he was - what he wanted. The harder you tried, the further you pushed him
away!
But I stopped myself. I needed to play the game, I needed to keep him
happy for a couple more hours at least.

'Do you think he would thank you for all this, Fabrizio?' The words
slipped out before I could stop them.

'I think I know my son better than you!' He said sharply.

I held his gaze. The air between our eyes twanged like a taut string. And
then a deep, sharp cramp flushed up my tummy, sending the nerves of my lower
back screaming. It took every ounce of my self-control to not let the pain
register on my face. My appetite disappeared, I struggled to chew and swallow
the bite of steak I had just taken, took a deep gulp of my drink to help push
it down. 

Fabrizio got up off the bed and another of the guards appeared at the
door. 'It is time to take your place with Rosa and me upstairs Maddie, to join
our family properly and prepare for the
Ospedale
. Say goodbye to your
brother; you will see him soon, so long as you show me you are
sincero,
and remember our deal.'

‘No!’ I reached out for Dan. Mario released him and he took hold of me,
and as he did so, another contraction (for that was what I could no longer deny
they were) gripped me like a vice around my abdomen. I sank against him.

'It's started hasn't it.' he whispered into my ear. I nodded against his
neck, felt the tears stinging my eyes. ‘I love you, I’m sorry Maddie, I’m so
sorry.’

‘Maddie.’ Fabrizio held out his hand. I shook my head vehemently, used my
last vestige of strength and pride to make myself stand unaided, and then
followed him out of the room.

I think I’ve
done something wrong, Mr Amarena is frowning at me in the doorway.

 ‘Come Maddie, you must go and play outside, it is not good for a little
girl to sit in the house all day and Sergio is waiting for you.’

‘OK.’ I duck under his arm, cross the hall and out into the garden. It’s
a funny day today. Everyone seems a bit grumpy and it’s really hot, but the sky
is this funny light brown colour and the sun is a bit blurred like someone’s
tried to wipe it away with a rubber. Collette’s gone off to Rome with her mum
to get a dress for some party. They didn’t even ask if I wanted to go. I’ve not
had a new dress since Christmas and I’m nearly thirteen!

Sergio wants me to come and see Nonna Edera with him. He says she’s got
some baby chicks at the moment, and that she’s promised him that he can take an
egg and look after it at home, try to hatch it with the other chickens at the
coup in the kitchen gardens in the main house. He says he’s going to write his
name on the egg with a permanent marker so that no-one else takes it, that
Nonna said that if it hatches he can give it a name and let it grow up into a chicken.
I said he needs to be careful that if it does hatch, it doesn’t get mixed up
with the other chickens at the Amarena’s, or it could end up as a Sunday
dinner. I felt bad after I’d said it, but he just looked up at me and smiled
mischievously, and his funny little eyes wrinkled up at the corners and made
him look like a cat.

‘Maddie.’ He slips his small hand into mine. His knuckles bump against my
thigh as we walk.

‘Hmm.’

‘My Nonna
e
magica.
’

‘Do you mean ‘magical’?’

‘
Si
.’

‘Like magic spells and stuff, like a Witch or a Wizard?’

‘
No.’
He frowns, struggling for the English words. ‘She know
things.’

‘What kind of things?’

‘She know about people, about things that happen. She know
prima.
’

‘Like you did with the goats?’

He looks up at me like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

‘You knew that Lavanda had babies in her tummy.’

He looks excited. ‘
Si!
Like that!’

‘Have you told anyone?’

‘Only Nonna.’

‘Not your Mum or Dad?’

‘No!’ He shakes his head hard.

‘Why?’

‘
Non capiranno.’
Before I can ask him what he means he is pulling
at my hand excitedly.  ‘
Ecco!’

The chicks are
running around our feet, chirping like mad. They tickle when they brush against
your skin. I’m squatting down, giving them seed, and they’re running in and out
between my legs like I’m a bridge. When you pick them up they’re so light you
can hardly feel them, apart from the scratchiness of their tiny claws.

One of the chicks is pecking at my toes, I pick it up and stroke it and
it closes its eyes. ‘I can’t believe that yesterday it was just an egg and now
it’s alive and running around!’

Nonna looks down at me. ‘Life is incredible isn’t it Maddie. How a thing
can not exist, and then exist.’ Nonna looks at me and it makes my tummy go
funny. I like her, but she’s a little bit scary too. It’s like she’s looking
inside you. She’s really small, no taller than me, and she wears these funny
black dresses. Rosa says it’s all she wears since her husband died. She seems
cross when she talks about her Mum, and clicks her tongue a lot.

Sergio’s running around trying to catch his favourite chicken, he wants
her to sit on his knee. I look down at my toes, they’re all dusty.

‘There is a place in the middle of not being alive and being alive you
know.’ Nonna squats down next to me, she smells nice. ‘The place where the
chick is when it is in the egg.’

I look up at her again, her eyes are really dark like Sergio’s, but right
now it’s as if there are tiny stars in them. ‘Where’s that?’

‘
La tua Stanza
del Anime,
your ‘Soul Room’.’

‘Soul room?’ The sun peeks round the roof of her house, I have to squint
to keep her in focus.

‘It is where you start. Where you wait to be born. It carries all that is
you, all that will be you, and keeps it safe until the day that you must die.
It is the only place that you are truly safe in your whole life.’

‘What about when you’re in your mummy’s tummy?’

‘Even there you are not totally safe. You cannot control the world
outside.’

I drew in the sandy ground absently with my finger. ‘Will I ever
see
my Soul Room?’

‘Maybe, if you are very lucky, you may find it.’

‘How will I know that I’ve found it?’

‘You will know
Tsoro
, you will just know.’