The Shortest Distance Between Two Women (45 page)
Read The Shortest Distance Between Two Women Online
Authors: Kris Radish
Page 710—August 2007
The largest ever reunion, with the kids having kids and their kids too, is celebrated with an impromptu parade that closes off three streets, involves a minor altercation with two police officers, and Great-Aunt Laurie flirting us out of a huge fine.
Note:
Find out how much a legal parade permit would cost for next year.
Page 714—August 2008
Beer Pong! Who would have thought? All the college kids had us playing this game on a picnic table with cups of beer and balls bouncing, and the over-60 beer drinkers blew the kids out of the water.
Note:
Share this game with my friends during the next dance night at the senior citizens center.
Page 43—August 1959
The hula hoop games got way out of hand after eight adults stood inside what must have been thirty hoops and got their dumbass selves stuck.
Note:
Bring a large cutting device to the 1960 reunion.
Page 233—August 1974
Well, the world is falling apart what with the Patty Hearst kidnapping, the damn oil embargo, and this impeachment mess, so we decided to celebrate Hank Aaron’s 715th home run—something positive—with a spectacular baseball game.
Note:
Remember to alert neighbors with large windows before we play ball.
Page 658—August 2002
Go figure. All the first cousins decide to extend the picnic by two days, hire a babysitter, and celebrate at a beach resort outside of Charleston. No one gets arrested, which is yet another miracle.
Note:
Start thinking about a reunion-planning succession plan.
Page 678—August 2004
That’s it already. Six of the largest uncles went on a sweet rampage and took all the music players, cell phones, and other electronic junk from all the teenagers so they would actually talk to each other and the rest of us.
Note:
Issue an electronic warning for next year and put the damn kids in charge of something—like clean-up.
Page 231—August 1974
Frank and Stella’s kids take the cake, the beer, and anything else they want after Hank Williams Jr. showed up to play two songs and sign autographs. All this just because one of the kids met Hank at a restaurant, told him about the reunion, and said we’d never had live music.
Note:
Bring smelling salts in case something like this happens again and we need to revive all those fallen aunties.
Page 6—August 1949
This Communist Party bullshit, pardon me, was the talk of the reunion. I finally stood on the table and got everyone to sing beer-drinking songs.
Note:
Plan more activities next year so we focus on fun and not some of the stupidness of the dumb men we elected. Oh, and please write Uncle Bernie and ask him not to tell those stories to the children.
Note
#2—Louis is probably going to marry Martha Grace. Get her to do this reunion ASAP.
Page 359—August 1985
Oh yes, and there was a resurgence of poker playing that got out of hand when the aunties, who are totally card sharks, encouraged everyone to play strip poker and then, of course, won.
Note:
Brush up on card games and wear more clothes to next year’s bash.
Phase One Guidelines
Select annual theme no later than the end of March—keep them amused so they want to come back, and erase that awful year from the Planning Ideas section when everyone—even people who had not exposed skin in decades—wore shorts. It was hideous. …
Reserve the park for the reunion on April 1—Call in sick if you have to but this tradition cannot be broken or a swarm of relatives and killer bees will attack you. I suggest a four a.m. appearance to wait in line for park reservations. Bring wet wipes. The crowd is interesting to say the least. …
Personal Note:
Obviously Phase One alone can be overwhelming, so buck up before the next phase kicks in—the details can make or break the reunion, and always remember the year Aunt Doris got involved and we ran out of beer (the kiss of death), the hot dogs were some kind of weird German sausage links, and she dipped into the auction money to buy her boyfriend a trolling motor. Do it yourself, baby.
Phase Two Guidelines
Remember to focus everything around the theme you have selected. Everything from tablecloths to banners should reflect the theme, and the sooner you move on this, the better, keeping in mind the year we decided to honor all our veterans, ordered the camouflage accessories too late, and ended up using tarps for tablecloths. Talk about disgusting
You must, and I cannot say this strongly enough, go through what is in the storage shed and bins and left over from the last reunion before you begin ordering or move into the next phase of the reunion plans. We must be accountable for every toothpick and paper plate because somewhere along the line someone married into a long line of accountants and those people would not know how to have fun if they sat on it, and they count every plastic fork. …
Take a short breath then get the invitations to the printer, start ordering the themed decorations, check with Jack at the liquor depot, if he is still alive, and make sure we can still get the Gilford discount—God knows we give him enough year-round business—and then go over everything else you have or should have done. People know when we screw up. Watch it.
Phase Three Guidelines
If you have not picked up the invitations and begun the painstaking task of hand addressing them—call me so I can slap you. It’s okay to put in personal notes—like reminding Uncle August’s family that streaking is not an appropriate activity for a family reunion. …
Phase Four Guidelines
There is only one more phase—take heart and a break whenever you can get one. Time to make a day-by-day outline loaded with as many details as possible. I learned this the hard way in 1973 when I skipped through the planning as if I was stoned, not that I know what that’s like, and forgot to order extra toilets. To say it was a shitty reunion is an understatement. …
If you haven’t figured this out yet, here’s a big tip—something will always come up to try and get you behind, so stay on top of all the planning. One year your father’s cousin Bucky (I didn’t name him) got married two weeks before the reunion and everyone canceled at the last minute because they were still recovering from that event (six people got arrested, by the way). We ate hot dogs for months. Enjoy yourself, but get it all done early. …
Something different every year. Say that over and over. Beyond the usual activities like eating, the auction, and a wild volleyball game or two, try and throw in a shocking or lovely surprise each year. It spices things up and makes everyone want to come back the next year so they don’t miss anything. Please make it legal. The years of streaking, stealing road signs, and 1968 when Aunt Dawn got everyone stoned on the brownies were shocking but not lovely.
Prepare for the Unusual
Don’t even think that if nothing ridiculous, bad, strange, or hilarious has not happened towards the end of the reunion, it won’t happen. Steel yourself, darling. Remember the last-minute streakers? Remember Uncle Lon’s hot air balloon and very late entrance? Remember the year all the kids at the last minute changed into their parents’ old clothes and wore face masks that were ancient photographs of those same parents? Something is going to happen.
Post-Reunion Planning Guidelines
Almost Parting Thoughts: There will be some late bills to pay and the auction money account to be settled but mostly you should be done—almost. I have found over the years that unless I stay busy and maybe have one more kind of big family event, I get a little depressed because the reunion is over. So plan some kind of get-together. It sounds disgusting but just you wait, missy.
KRIS RADISH is the bestselling author of five other novels,
The Elegant Gathering of White Snows, Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn, Annie Freeman’s Fabulous Traveling Funeral, The Sunday List of Dreams
, and
Searching for Paradise in Parker, PA
. She lives in Florida, where she is at work on her next novel, which Bantam will publish in 2010.
is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.