The Shattered Chain (23 page)

“… Turn to no … no man for protection. … ”

I’ve been taught to defend myself since I was sixteen years old. On any other world I would have been doing it all along. Here I was sheltered, and when I finally had to try, I couldn’t. Without Jaelle’s band I’d have been beaten up and probably gang-raped. I might have survived it
—
people do
—
but it would have been a hell of a thing to live with!

“From this day forth I swear I shall never again be known by the name of any man, be he father, guardian, lover or husband, but simply and solely as—” Jaelle broke off. “What was your mother’s name?”

Magda rummaged wildly in her mind for the Darkovan equivalent of “Elizabeth.”
What’s wrong with me? I heard it often enough, I’m disintegrating!
She said, after a perceptible pause, “Ysabet.”

“… As Margali
nikhya mic
Ysabet,” said Jaelle, speaking the words in full without the common abbreviation, and Magda repeated them, biting her lip, fighting for self-control. Nothing so far in the oath had troubled or frightened her, but this did. Known only as Margali n’ha Ysabet.
Oh, Dad, do I have to give up your name, too? I didn’t mind giving up Peter’s, when we separated. But you, Dad, do I have to renounce you, too?
The face of David Lorne, graying, gentle, scholarly, seemed to swim in her mind, to shake his head at her in reproach.
Oh, God, Peter, are you worth this?
Margali n’ha Ysabet … Magdalen, daughter of Elizabeth. No more than that?

“From this day forth I swear I will give myself to no man save in my own time and season and of my own free will, at my own desire; I will never earn my bread as the object of any man’s lust.”

Well, no woman in her right mind would object to swearing an oath not to become a prostitute.
Then she suddenly felt troubled. If a woman had no occupation of her own, that could also mean—a wife?

“From this day forth I swear I will bear no child to any man save for my own pleasure and at my own time and choice; I will bear no child to any man for house or heritage, clan or inheritance, pride or posterity; I swear that I alone will determine rearing and fosterage of any child I bear, without regard to any man’s place, position or pride. … ”

The Terran Magda thought,
Well, that makes sense.
But the girl reared in Caer Donn discovered that she was choking as she spoke the words.
Peter wanted a child. I didn’t, then, but I was ashamed of not wanting it; I was almost as disappointed as he, to find I was not pregnant. I wanted so to please him. I knew I’d failed him
—
and now I can never … never make it up to him. …
She heard herself, to her own shame and horror, sob aloud.
He wanted that so much, and I failed him in that, I failed him in everything …

Jaelle waited for her sobs to quiet, repeating inexorably, “ … Any man’s place, position or pride …”

Magda repeated the words, but found that she was crying as she spoke them. She ordered and commanded herself to be calm.
What’s happening to me? Why am I coming apart like this?

“From this day forth I renounce allegiance to any family, clan, household, warden or liege lord, and take oath that I owe allegiance only to the laws of the land as a free citizen must; to the kingdom, the crown and the Gods.”

Magda repeated the words mechanically. She was almost too exhausted by emotion to hear them or understand their sense.

“I shall appeal to no man as of right, for protection, support or succor: but shall owe allegiance only to my oath-mother, to my sisters in the Guild and to my employer for the season of my employment.”

And what of my loyalty to the Empire?
Magda repeated the words, forcing them past the lump in her throat.

“And I further swear that the members of the Guild of Free Amazons shall be to me, each and every one, as my mother, my sister or my daughter, born of one blood with me, and that no woman sealed by oath to the Guild shall appeal to me in vain. …”

Magda discovered that her throat was thick again with unshed tears. She thought,
My mother is long dead. I never had a sister, and I shall never have a daughter. Yet I swear …

Jaelle reached out her hands, clasped Magda’s cold hands in her own. She said quietly, “Margali n’ha Ysabet, I accept you before the Goddess as oath-daughter; henceforward you shall be, as daughter and sister to me and to every one of us in the Guild. Here in the presence of these witnesses, I declare that you are from this moment sealed by oath to the Guild of Free Amazons, subject only to our laws, and I give you freedom of the Guild: and in token I exchange with you this greeting.” She drew Magda close and solemnly kissed her on the mouth. “Kneel,” she said softly, “and repeat: From this moment, I swear to obey all the laws of the Guild of Free Amazons and any lawful command of my oath-mother, the Guild members or my elected leader for the season of my employment. And if I betray any secret of the Guild, or prove false to my oath, then I shall submit myself to the Guild-mothers for such discipline as they shall choose; and if I fail, then may every woman’s hand turn against me, let them slay me like an animal and consign my body un-buried to corruption and my soul to the mercy of the Goddess.”

Too late to retreat.
Numb, desperate, Magda heard herself stumble through the words that condemned her to betray someone.
Whatever I do now, I am forsworn. What shall I do, what shall I do?

Jaelle raised her to her feet, hugged her close. “Don’t cry, my sister,” she said softly, using the word in the ultimate mode. “I know, it is a great and solemn step to take, and few of us have taken it without tears.”

Camilla wrapped her in her tunic. “Poor little thing, you are chilled to the bone! Jaelle, how could you let her go through that long oath, standing there almost naked? When we had once seen her, you might have stopped to let her cover herself!” She wrapped a blanket over the tunic, drew her to the fire.

Jaelle laughed in apology and said, “Forgive me, Margali; I had never accepted an oath before, I was nervous, afraid I should forget some of the words—”

“Drink this, it will stop your shivering.” Gwennis handed her the cup they had given her before, which she had not finished. She heard her teeth chattering against the rim of the cup; she sipped slowly, trying to get control of herself. They all crowded around her, hugging her, comforting her. Rayna murmured, “Don’t feel bad, we all cry, you didn’t cry nearly as much as I did!”

Jaelle said, “Now you must forgive us for being so rough with you before; now we are all your sisters. From tonight, every Amazon is your sister, but those who witnessed your oath are your family, and special, always.” She looked affectionately around the circle, saying, “Are you not? Camilla cut my hair for me, nine years ago.”

Gwennis said, in an undertone like a private joke, “How dare you chide her for crying, Jaelle?
You
didn’t cry, I remember!”

“But I was fostered among you,” Jaelle said. “Now we will finish this bottle of wine in our sister’s honor, then we must all sleep. Tomorrow we must think how best to send her to the Guild-house, but for tonight we will celebrate.”

They are all so kind to me now. I don’t deserve it.
Magda, calm now and exhausted, asked Gwennis, “Where am I to be taken?”

“To Neskaya Guild-house, or perhaps to Thendara, which is our own house,” said Gwennis. “Every new-made Amazon must spend half a year in the Guild-house, learning our ways and unlearning the vicious old ways you have been taught since girlhood—all the things you were taught about seemly behavior for a woman. Your childhood put chains on you; there you will be taught to free yourself, to be what you best can be.”

Oh, God! I took this oath to escape being sent to the Guild-house, to gain time! Am I forsworn for nothing, then?

Each of them had something to say to her. Sherna, who was a plump and pretty girl, came and knelt beside .her. “I came to the Amazons two years ago, when I fully realized that I had no share in my father’s estate; all my brothers shared, but not I; for me there was nothing ahead but marriage to some man who could help my brothers to manage my father’s lands. They refused two men I liked because, they said, they would not dwell under one roof with them; and would have forced me on a friend of theirs. So when I knew I had no right to refuse, but could be made to marry at their wish and not mine, I cut my hair and came to the Guild-house. Do you know what I feared most?” She grinned, such a droll grin that Magda had to smile. “I feared they would tell me I could never lie with a man again! But, I thought, better that than marry to please my brothers. … ”

Jaelle sat beside her. “It is customary for oath-mother and daughter to exchange gifts. I have no gift for you, Margali; I had not foreseen this. I must think of something.”

They’re so kind to me. So overwhelmingly kind. They act as if I were their long-lost sister. The oath means so much. …

Magda said, “My mission—I had told you it was life and death. … ”

Jaelle said, “We will discuss that in the morning. It may be that you owe no loyalty to any man, even to a kinsman. But for now we must all sleep.”

The women finished their wine and went to their sleeping rolls again. Rayna put out the lantern. It was very quiet, except for the diminishing, faraway howl of the storm. Camilla, who lay next to Magda, reached out her hand in the darkness and patted her gently on the cheek.

“You were not the first to shiver through the oath,” she said. “When my oath was taken, I—you know I am
emmasca
—I had nothing like to a woman’s form, and so three of the witnesses refused to believe I was not a man and I had to be stripped. Kindra was so distressed by that that she, too, forgot to have me covered afterward. I was so humiliated, I wept for hours; but it was half a lifetime ago, and now I can laugh about it. Someday you will laugh, too, sister. Sleep well.”

“You, too—sister,” Magda said with difficulty. It was the first time in her life that she had ever spoken the word in the intimate mode.

One by one the women dropped away into sleep. Magda was almost too weary to think straight.
I can’t go to a Guild-house and let Peter die by torture! An oath under duress is not valid … my first loyalty is to the Empire.

She was very weary; sleep began, against her will, to steal over her. Bits and pieces of the oath seemed to echo in her mind.
Bear no child except at my own will … did I want Peter’s child, then? If not, why did I cry that way? Or did I only
want
to want it … because I had failed him so?

She thought, at the very edge of sleep, that she would rather like to go to a Guild-house, if it were not for her mission.
I could be as strong and effective here, as—an Amazon, as on any planet where women are free. Whatever I do, I am forsworn. I can betray my oath to my sisters
—
or betray my first allegiance to the Empire. All my life, never knowing it, I have been two women: one Terran, one Darkovan. And now I am torn. I must betray someone, or Peter dies by torture.

Is Peter worth the sacrifice of my integrity? Can I give up that, too? With a life at stake?

Sleep took her suddenly, and she plummeted into it like bottomless darkness.

She dreamed of Peter Haldane; he was lying in the dark, on stone; cold and alone and frightened. And it seemed to her that as he had done only once or twice in the brief term of their love, he held out his hands to her, laid his head against her breast: off guard, vulnerable, no longer concerned to keep up the mask of strength, of masculine infallibility. She kissed him and soothed him in her dream, and he whispered to her, “You are the only one I can trust, Mag. I trust you. Everybody else is out to cut my throat, but you don’t compete. I’m not afraid of you, Mag, you’re the only one I’m not afraid of.” And she wanted to cry but knew she could not, that it was for her now to be strong enough for both of them. … In the dream she wiped away his tears and comforted him, saying, “Darkover is not an easy world for men, either.” But when she woke she was alone, in her lonely and solitary bed.