Authors: Jeffrey Ford
After lunch we put George on the leash and took him out into the backyard. Mary didn't go with us because she decided to have a session with her make-believe friends, Sally O'Malley and Sandy Graham, who lived in the closet in her room. Once in a while, she'd let them out and she would become Mickey and they would go to school together down in the cellar.
Jim had the idea that we could use George to track the pervert. We'd let him smell the ladder, he'd pick up the scent, and we'd follow along. Franky Conrad joined us in our backyard where the ladder again lay propped against the side of the toolshed. For a while we just stood there waiting for the dog to smell the ladder. Then I told Jim, “You better rev him up.” To rev George up, all you had to do was stick your foot near his mouth. If you left it there long enough, he'd start to growl. Jim stuck his foot out and made little circles with it in the air near George's mouth.
“Geooorgieee,”
he sang very softly. When the dog had had enough, he went for the foot, growling like crazy and fake-biting all over itâa hundred fake bites a second. He never really chomped down.
When he was revved, he moved to the ladder, smelled it a few times, and then pissed on it. We were ready to do some tracking. George started walking, and so did we. Out of the
backyard, we went through the gate by Nan's side of the house and under the pink blossoms of the prehistoric mimosa tree into the front yard.
Around the corner was East Lake School, a one-story redbrick structure, a big rectangle of classrooms with an enclosed courtyard of grass at its center. On the right-hand side was an alcove that held the playground for the kindergartenâmonkey bars, swings, a seesaw, a sandbox, and one of those round, turning platform things that if you got it spinning fast enough, all the kids would fly off. The gym was attached to the left-hand side of the building, a giant, windowless box of brick that towered over the squat main building.
The school had a circular drive in front with an elongated, high-curbed oval of grass at its center. Just west of the drive and the little parking lot there were two asphalt basketball courts, and beyond that spread a vast field with a baseball backstop and bases, where on windy days the powdered dirt of the baselines rose in cyclones. At the border of the field was a high barbed-wire-topped fence to prevent kids from climbing down into a craterlike sump. Someone long ago had used a chain cutter to make a slit in the fence that a small person could pass through. Down there in the early fall, among the goldenrod stalks and dying weeds, it was a kingdom of crickets.
Behind the school were more fields of sunburned summer grass cut by three asphalt bike paths. At the back the school fields were bounded by another development, but to the east lay the woods: a deep oak-and-pine forest that stretched well into the next town and south as far as the railroad tracks. Streams ran through it, as well as some rudimentary paths that we knew better than the lines on our own palms. A quarter mile in lay a small lake that we had been told was bottomless.
That day George led us to the boundary of the woods, near the pregnant swelling of ground known as Sewer Pipe Hill. We stood on the side of the hill where a round, dark circle of the
pipe protruded and faced the tree line. Some days a trickle of water flowed from the pipe, but today it was bone dry. Jim walked over to the round opening, three feet in circumference, leaned over, and yelled,
“Helloooooo!”
His word echoed down the dark tunnel beneath the school fields. George pissed on the concrete facing that held up the end of the pipe.
“X marks the spot,” said Jim. He turned to Franky. “You better crawl in there and see if the prowler is hiding underground.”
Franky rubbed his head and stared at the black hole.
“Are you my right-hand man?” asked Jim.
“Yes,” said Franky. “But what if he's in there?”
“Before he touches you, just say you're making a citizen's arrest.”
Franky thought about this for a moment.
“Don't do it,” I said.
Jim glared at me. Then he put his hand on Franky's shoulder and said, “He saw your mom's ass.”
Franky nodded and went to the pipe opening. He bent down, got on his knees, and then crawled forward into the dark a little way before stopping. Jim went over and lightly tapped him in the rear end with the toe of his sneaker. “You'll be a hero if you find him. They'll put your picture in the newspaper.” Franky started crawling forward again, and in seconds he was out of sight.
“What if he gets lost in there?” I said.
“We'll just have everyone in town flush at the same time, and he'll ride the wave out into the sump behind the baseball field,” said Jim.
Every few minutes one of us would lean into the pipe and yell to Franky, and he would yell back. Pretty soon we couldn't make out what he was saying, and his voice got smaller and smaller. Then we called a few more times and there was no answer.
“What do you think happened to him?” I asked.
“Maybe the pervert got him,” said Jim, and he looked worried. “He could be stuck in there.”
“Should I run home and get Pop?” I asked.
“No,” said Jim. “Go up to that manhole cover on the bike path by the playground and call down through the little hole. Then put your ear over the hole and see if you hear him. Tell him to come back.”
I took off running up the side of Sewer Pipe Hill and across the field as fast as I could. Reaching the manhole cover, I got on all fours and leaned my mouth down to the neat round hole at its edge. “Hey!” I yelled. I turned my head and put my ear to the hole.
Franky's voice came up to me quite clearly but with a metallic ring to it, as if he were a robot.
“What?” he said. “I'm here.” It sounded as if he were right beneath me.
“Come out,” I called. “Jim says to come back.”
“I like it in here,” he said.
In that moment I pictured his house; his sister, Lily, with her crossed eyes; his mother's prominent jaw and horse teeth, her crazy red hair; the little figures his father fashioned out of the wax from his enormous ears. “You gotta come back,” I said.
A half minute passed in silence, and I thought maybe he had moved on, continuing through the darkness.
Finally his voice sounded. “Okay,” he said, and then, “Hey, I found something.”
Jim was sitting on the lip of the sewer pipe reading a magazine, while George sat at his feet staring up at him. As I eased down the side of the hill, he said, “Look what George tracked down by that fallen tree.” He pointed into the woods. “There were some crushed beer cans and cigarette butts over there.”
I came up next to him and looked over his shoulder at the magazine. It was wrinkled from having been rained on, and
there was mud splattered on the cover. He turned the page he was looking at toward me, and I saw a woman with red hair, black stockings, high-heeled shoes, a top hat, and an open jacket but nothing else.
“Look at the size of those tits,” said Jim.
“She's naked,” I whispered.
Jim picked the magazine up to his mouth, positioning it right in the middle of her spread-out legs, where the little hedge of red hair grew over her pussy, and yelled,
“Hellooooooo!”
We laughed.
I forgot to tell Jim that I'd made contact with Franky. Instead we moved on to the centerfold. Three full pages of a giant blonde bending over a piano bench.
“Aye-aye, Captain,” said Jim, and rapidly saluted her ass four times. Then we flipped the pages quickly to the next naked woman, only to stare and swoon.
As I reached down to pet the dog for his discovery, we heard Franky inside the pipe. Jim got up and turned around, and we both stared into the opening. Slowly the soles of his shoes appeared out of the dark, and then his rear end, as he backed out into daylight. When he stood up and turned to face us, he was smiling.
“What's your report?” asked Jim.
“It was nice and quiet in there,” said Franky.
Jim shook his head. “Anything else?”
Franky held out his hand and showed Jim what he'd found. It was a green plastic soldier, carrying a machine gun in one hand and a grenade in the other. I moved closer to see the detail and noticed that the figure wore no helmet, which was unusual for an army man. He wore cartridge belts over each shoulder, and his lips were pulled back so that you could see his teeth gritted tight.
Jim took the soldier out of Franky's hand, looked at it for a second, said, “Sergeant Rock,” and then put it into his pocket.
Franky's brow furrowed. “Give it back,” he said. His hands balled into fists, and he took a step forward as a challenge.
Jim said, “Let me ask you a question. When the prowler saw your mother's ass⦔
“Stop saying my mother's ass,” said Franky, and took another step forward.
“â¦did it look like this?” asked Jim, and he flipped the magazine so that the centerfold opened.
Franky saw it and went slack. He brought his hands up to his cheeks, his fingers partially covering his eyes. “Oh, no,” he said, and stared.
“Oh, yes,” said Jim. He ripped off the bottom third, the page containing the big ass, and handed it to Franky. “This is your reward for bravery in the sewer pipe.”
Franky took the torn page in his trembling hands, his gaze fixed on the picture. Then he looked up and said, “Let me see the magazine.”
“I can't,” said Jim. “It's Exhibit A. Evidence. You'll get your fingerprints on it.” He rolled it up and put it under his arm the way Mr. Mangini carried the newspaper as he walked down the street coming home from work every evening.
We spent another couple of hours looking for clues all around the school field and through the woods, but George lost the scent, and we eventually headed home. At every other driveway we passed, Franky would take his piece of centerfold out of his back pocket and stop to stare at it. We left him standing in front of Mrs. Grimm's house, petting the image as if it were flesh instead of slick paper.
When we got home, Jim made me go in first and see if the coast was clear. My mother wouldn't be home for about two hours, and Nan and Pop were in their place. I didn't see Mary around, but that didn't matter anyway.
Up in his room, Jim slid the loose floorboard back and stowed the magazine. Then he got up and went to his desk. “Here,” he said, and turned around holding a black-and-white-bound composition book. “This is for the investigation.” He walked over and handed it to me. “Write down everything that's happened so far.”
I took the book from him and nodded.
“What are you gonna do with the soldier?” I asked.
Jim took the green warrior out of his pocket and held it up. “Guess,” he said.
“Botch Town?” I asked.
“Precisely,” he said.
I followed him out of the room, down the stairs, through the living room, to the hallway that led to the first-floor bedrooms. At the head of this hall was a door. He opened it, and we descended the creaking wooden steps into the dim mildew of the cellar.
The cellar was lit by one bare bulb with a pull string and whatever light managed to seep in from outside through the
four window wells. The floor was unpainted concrete, as were the walls. The staircase bisected the layout, and there was an area behind the steps, where a curtain hung, that allowed access from one side to the other. Six four-inch-thick metal poles positioned in a row across the center of the house supported the ceiling.
It was warm in the winter and cool in the summer down there in the underground twilight, where the aroma of my mother's oil paints and turpentine mixed with the pine and glittering tinsel scent of Christmas decorations heaped in one corner. It was a treasure vault of the old, the broken, the forgotten. Stuff lay on shelves or stacked along the walls, covered with a thin layer of cellar dust, the dandruff of concrete, and veiled in cobwebs hung with spider eggs.
On Pop's heavy wooden workbench, complete with crushing vise, there sat coffee cans of rusted nuts and bolts and nails, planes, rasps, wrenches, levels with little yellow bubbles encased to live forever. Riding atop this troubled sea of strewn tools, seemingly abandoned in the middle of the greatest home-repair job ever attempted, was a long, curving Chinese junk carved from the horn of an ox, sporting sails the color of singed paper, created from thin sheets of animal bone, and manned by a little fellow, carved right out of the black horn, who wore a field worker's hat and kept one hand on the tiller. Pop told me he had bought it in Singapore, when he traveled the world with the merchant marine, from a woman who showed him my mother as a little girl dancing, years before she was born, in a piece of crystal shaped like an egg.
Leaning against the pipe that ran along the back wall and then out of the house to connect with the sewer line were my mother's paintings: a self-portrait standing in a darkened hallway, holding me when I was a baby; the flowering bushes of the Bayard Cutting Arboretum; a seascape and view of Captree Bridge. All the colors were subdued, and
the images came into focus slowly, like wraiths approaching out of a fog.
Crammed into and falling out of one tall bookcase that backed against the stair railing on the right-hand side were my father's math books and used notebooks, every inch filled with numbers and weird signs, in his hand, in pencil, as if through many years he had been working the equation to end all equations. I remember a series of yellow journals, each displaying in a circle on the cover the bust of some famous, long-dead genius I would have liked to know more about, but when I pulled one journal off the shelf and opened it, that secret language inside told me nothing.
In the middle of the floor to the right of the stairs sat an old school desk, with wooden chair attached, and a place to put your books underneath. Around this prop Mary created the school that her alter ego, Mickey, attended. Sometimes, when I knew she was playing this game, I would open the door in the hallway and listen to the strangely different voices of the teacher, Mrs. Harkmar, of her classmates, Sally O'Malley and Sandy Graham, and naturally of Mickey, who knew all the answers.
Back in the shadows where the oil burner hummed stood a small platform holding the extreme-unction box, a religious artifact with hand-carved doors and a brass cross protruding from the top. We had no idea what unction was, but Jim told me it was “holy as hell” and that if you opened the door, the Holy Ghost would come out and strangle you, so that when they found your dead body it'd look like you just swallowed your tongue the wrong way.
To the left of the stairs, beneath the single bare bulb like a sun, lay Jim's creation, the sprawling burg of Botch Town. At one point my father was thinking of getting us an electric-train set. He went out and bought four sawhorses and the most enormous piece of plywood he could find. He set these up as a train table, but then the money troubles descended and it sat for quite
a while, smooth and empty. One day Jim brought a bunch of cast-off items home with him, picked up along his early-morning paper route. It had been junk day, and he'd delivered his papers before the garbagemen had come. With coffee cans, old shoe boxes, pieces from broken appliances, Pez dispensers, buttons, Dixie cups, ice cream sticks, bottles, and assorted other discarded items, he began to build a facsimile of our neighborhood and the surrounding area. It became a project that he worked on a little here, a little there, continuously adding details.
He'd started by painting the road (battleship gray) that came down straight from Hammond Lane and then curved around to the school, made from a shoe box with windows cut in it, a flagpole outside, the circular drive, basketball courts, and fields. Neatly written on the building in black Magic Marker above the front doors was
RETARD FACTORY
. The rest of the board he painted green for grass, with the exception of the lake in the woods, whose deep blue oval was covered with glitter.
I left Jim there, contemplating his miniature world, and went back upstairs to record what we'd so far discovered.