The Shadow Of What Was Lost (44 page)

"Thank-you," she said
quietly, her gaze including all three of her rescuers. Kol and Erran gave
solemn nods in response, and Fessi just smiled, giving Asha's good arm a light
squeeze of reassurance.

They navigated the sleeping city,
all the way back to the palace, in silence.

***

It was late morning, three days
after the Augurs had rescued her, when Kol knocked on her open door.

"Kol!" She smiled at
him, rising from her desk. "Come in."

Kol entered hesitantly. "How
are you feeling?"

"Michal healed me the
morning after we got back, so... much better." Asha rotated her shoulder
to prove the point.

Kol smiled. "That's
good." Asha gestured to a chair and the big man sat, looking awkward.
"I wanted to come and check on you earlier, but Elocien said it was best
to let you rest."

Asha nodded. "I needed
it," she admitted. Though her body had been healed, today was the first
day she'd felt ready to face other people again. Even after all she had already
been through over the past few months, this last week had been hard.

"Representative Alac didn't
mind?"

Asha shook her head. "He
says I should take as much time as I need." She gave a slight smile,
gesturing to a thick tome sitting on her bedside table. "That isn't to say
he didn't leave me anything to do if I felt so inclined, though."

Kol snorted. "Sounds about
right." He glanced around the room, noting several arrangements of
flowers. "Seems you're suddenly rather popular."

Asha rolled her eyes. "You
could call it that, I suppose." The Houses hated to be outdone by each
other, even when it came to false sympathy. Bouquets and gifts had been
arriving in a steady stream almost since she had returned.

She sighed. It had been
impossible to get her back into the palace without her battered state being
noticed, and though Elocien had tried to be discreet about ordering the arrest
of two other Shadows straight after her arrival, someone had still made the
connection. The rumours had been everywhere within a day - the Shadraehin had
attacked one of his own, kidnapped the only Shadow in the city who held a
position of relative power. Proof positive that he had no intention of ever
trying diplomatic means to help the Shadows.

To make matters worse, Elocien's
men had arrived at the house in the Lower District to find it empty. Teran and
Pyl were still out there, somewhere.

"Even si'Bandin sent me
something," she eventually continued in a wry tone, shaking off the
unpleasant train of thought. "And that man looks at me like I'm a diseased
dog that's in need of putting down."

Kol grinned. "Don't be such
a cynic, Ashalia. I'm sure every one of the Houses' gifts came from a place of
love and concern." Then his smile faded and he took a deep breath,
suddenly awkward again as he stared at the ground. "Look, before we go any
further... I wanted to apologise. Apologise for my behaviour towards you since
you got here. You've been through so much these past few months, and I've been
acting like...." He trailed off.

Asha studied him. "I
understand why, though. I don't blame you," she said quietly. She gave him
a friendly smile. "And anyway, I suspect I can find it in my heart to
forgive you. You helped rescue me, probably saved my life - and you certainly
made sure Teran and Pyl won't come after me again. You didn't have to do any of
that."

"Still." Kol clenched
his fists. "What I've Seen... that's not your fault. It doesn't justify
the way I've been treating you." He took another deep breath, finally
looking her in the eye. "I'm just... I'm scared, Ashalia. I'm scared that
it's going to happen soon, and there isn't anybody I can talk to about it. I
find it hard enough to deal with the everyday things I See, but knowing
that
is coming...." He sighed. "I've wanted so many times to tell Fessi
and Erran, but even if I could, it would just be a burden on them as
well."

Asha nodded slowly; Fessi had
said much the same thing last week. "I may not be your first choice, but
if you need someone to talk to...."

Kol gave her a small smile.
"Thank-you." He rubbed his face, looking relieved. "That's not
the only reason I'm here though. I've come to collect you, on Elocien's
instructions. Apparently there's something you need to see."

Asha hesitated. "We may as
well go now, then," she said reluctantly, forcing down a sudden pang of
nervousness. She hadn't been outside of her rooms since the night she got back.

They left, and Asha's churning
stomach eased a little as they made their way along the palace hallways. She
still tensed up whenever she saw another Shadow, but she knew that might be her
reaction for a while to come, now. Even so, it became easier the longer they
walked, and Kol's hulking presence alongside her lent a certain physical
reassurance, too.

Soon they were at the duke's
office, and Kol bade her farewell. Once she was inside and the door was shut,
Elocien gestured to a closed wooden box that sat on the floor in the middle of
the room.

"This arrived about an hour
ago. The guards at the gate were asked to deliver it to me, but I have no doubt
that it was meant for you as well." He walked over to the box, then
hesitated. "You should probably sit."

Frowning, Asha took Elocien's
advice.

Elocien carefully levered up the
lid, and Asha shuddered as she realised what was inside.

Teran and Pyl's severed heads
stared up at her, their bloodied expressions taut with fear. Sitting atop the
heads, flecked with dark red, was a note. Asha stared in horror for a moment,
then leaned forward, a chill running through her as she read it. It was inked
in the same neat, precise handwriting she'd seen in Elocien's memory, from the
night Administration had been attacked.

There were only two words on the
slip of paper.

I apologise.

"It seems you were right
about the Shadraehin not ordering the kidnapping," Elocien observed
softly. "He's making sure I know, so that Administration doesn't retaliate
- and making sure you know he didn't betray you at the same time."

Asha shuddered. She'd despised
these men for what they'd done, had even taken satisfaction in watching Kol's
treatment of them. But this... she hadn't wanted this. She turned away, feeling
sick.

"At least he doesn't think
I'm holding out on him, then," was all she said.

She spoke with Elocien a little
longer, but soon enough she headed back to her rooms, suddenly too tired to be
afraid. She'd seen so much violence over the past few months, more than she'd
thought was possible. What had happened to Teran and Pyl... it almost didn't
surprise her, now.

Even so, as she lay back on her
bed and closed her eyes, she knew she wouldn't be able to get their final
expressions from her mind for a long, long time.

Davian glanced up from his
reading at the sound of footsteps echoing around the stone corridors.

His muscles tensed as he stood,
facing the doorway into the library. Despite Malshash’s assurances, he remained
cautious at all times in Deilannis. There was something too…
wrong
about
the city to be able to relax.

It had been four days since the
shapeshifter’s abrupt departure. Davian had broken from reading during that
time to eat and sleep, but nothing else. Partly it was due to the enormity of
the task; every time he thought he’d exhausted a topic, the Adviser directed
him to books with fresh information on the same subject. Partly it was an
escape.

Mostly, though, he’d discovered a
fierce determination within himself, a hunger to be able to do what these books
described. He’d never realised it before, but he’d watched his peers use
Essence
for so long – effortlessly, it had seemed – and been deeply
envious.

Now, perhaps, it was finally his
turn.

A man not much older than himself
entered the room, smiling boyishly when his eyes alighted on Davian. He had
bright red hair, a strong jaw line and a crooked nose. He waved in a familiar
fashion.

“Malshash?” Davian asked, his
tone hesitant.

The man gave a cheerful nod. “In
the flesh.” He seemed in a particularly good mood; he sauntered up to Davian,
glancing at the array of tomes spread out across the table. “How have you
progressed?”

Davian shrugged. “I’ve done
plenty of reading. Kan doesn’t strike me as the sort of power to rush into,
though, so I’ve been waiting for you to return before going further.” Though he
tried to sound casual about the last, in truth he was itching to see whether
the theory he’d been devouring would actually work.

“Good lad.” Malshash gave him an
approving nod. “You think you’ve grasped the basic concepts?”

Davian nodded. “The mental techniques
sound simple enough. I’ve actually come across a few of them before, when I was
trying to use Essence. They shouldn’t be too much trouble.” He was being
modest. Every mental technique he’d ever tried – quite a few, in his years at
the school – he had perfected. They had just never resulted in him being able
to use Essence.

Malshash smiled. “But you
understand that the two – Essence and kan – are very different?” He watched
Davian closely, and Davian’s breath shortened a little. He got the distinct
feeling he was being tested.

“Kan is an external force,” he
said. “Whereas Essence
is usually drawn from within the body, kan is
drawn from a single source – one that seems to have its physical location here,
somewhere in Deilannis. Although kan can be used from anywhere in the world, it
is easiest to access and control here in the city.”

Malshash nodded encouragingly.
“That’s accurate. What else?”

“Essence is energy. In the case
of the Gifted it's a piece of our own life force, extracted and converted into
something that can physically affect things.” He bit his lip, straining to
explain what he’d understood from the books. “Kan is not energy. You couldn’t
make a fireball with kan, or lift a feather. You can’t heal with it. But it can
affect
energy. It seems to… sit above Essence, somehow. As we manipulate
the world with Essence, so we manipulate Essence with kan.”

Malshash gave him an approving
look. “You’ve been reading Delatroen, I see. Very good.” He smiled. “And what
does he have to say about the consequences of this hierarchy?”

Davian stared at the ground for a
long moment, trying to remember. “Two things. Firstly, that kan allows us to
access things that Essence alone cannot touch – things that are not physical –
specifically, he mentions thoughts and time as instances of that. And secondly,
kan allows us to use Essence with a level of finesse and efficiency that is not
possible otherwise. He gives the example of drinking from a pool. Manipulating
Essence by itself is like scooping the water with your hands, whereas using kan
to do it is more like using a cup.”

Malshash smiled. “I always liked
that analogy.” He paused. “There’s more to it though. He was only talking about
one aspect of their interaction.”

Davian nodded, feeling his brow
furrow. “Kan can also be used in other states to siphon, absorb, or store
Essence. I read a little about Imbuing – making Vessels. The kan stores Essence
in the Vessel indefinitely, preventing decay, until its function is triggered.
In some cases it can draw Essence from whomever is using it, too.” He thought
of the Vessel that had brought he and Wirr to Desriel. “It seemed quite
advanced.”

“It is,” said Malshash dryly. He
nodded in approval though. “There’s only one other thing you failed to mention,
though it’s rarely spoken of in texts so I can hardly blame you for omitting
it. Kan, in its natural state, absorbs Essence because the two were never
designed to coexist. They
can
be used together – with training – but
they are by no means complementary.”

“They were never meant to
coexist?” repeated Davian.

Malshash waved away the query. “A
story for another time. For now, all you need to know is that when learning to
use the two combined, you must understand the quirks of each. Knowledge of one
in no way imparts knowledge of the other.”

“That probably won't be an issue,
anyway,” muttered Davian, meaning the comment to be to himself.

Malshash gave him a puzzled look.
“What do you mean?”

Davian stared at the floor,
embarrassed. “I... struggle, when it comes to using Essence. I've never been
able to even access my Reserve.”

Malshash frowned. “Of course you
can use Essence,” he said slowly. “I’ve seen you do it.”

Davian frowned back. “When?”

“After coming through the rift.”
Malshash scratched his head. “Your body was nearly wasted away when you
appeared on the Jha’vett. You regenerated in seconds, though. You actually
glowed
,
you were using so much Essence.”

Davian shrugged. “I’ve been
trying for years with no success,” he admitted.

Malshash’s frown deepened. “Stand
still,” he instructed. He came and stood in front of Davian, putting his hand
against his forehead. A wash of energy flooded through Davian’s body, startling
him. He flinched backwards to see Malshash looking at him in shock.

“What is it?” asked Davian.

Malshash just stared at him
through narrowed eyes. “Of course,” he muttered, almost to himself. “It makes
sense. I should have seen it earlier.” He laughed. “I should have
felt
it earlier. But it’s very subtle. Unnoticeable unless you’re looking for it.”

Davian scowled. “What are you
talking about?”

Malshash thought for a moment.
“Do you know why no-one else has ever used the rift to pass through time, as
you did?”

Davian shook his head mutely.

“It is because no living thing
can pass through it and survive,” said Malshash. “The energies of the other
realm are pure kan; they are drawn to Essence, and when they find it, they tear
its source apart. Obliterate it.” He paused. “You don’t have a Reserve, Davian
– in itself, not so unusual for an Augur. Beyond that, though, your body
generates no Essence. Not just no excess. None
at all
.”

Davian shook his head. “That
makes no sense. Everything living needs Essence.”

Malshash gave a delighted laugh.
“That’s the trick, Davian! You’re using kan to get it. You draw it in from
around you – any source you can find. The body does not need much, truth be
told.” He shook his head. “I thought it was a miracle you’d picked up how to
use kan so quickly, making it through the rift as you did. This is why. You’ve
been using it unconsciously since the day you… well, since you died.”

Davian paled. “I don’t
understand.”

“It’s very simple.” Malshash sat
in a chair, gesturing for Davian to do the same. “At some point in your life,
you died. I don’t know when – probably very young though, earlier than you’d be
able to even remember. So your ability to produce Essence
failed. But
somehow, your instincts kicked in, and you began drawing Essence
from
around you using kan
instead.” He shrugged. “You must have been doing it
ever since. Stealing a little from here, a little from there. Sometimes from
people, sometimes from your environment. If you were raised around the Gifted,
it would have been too easy.”

Davian felt a chill run through
him. “You mean… I’m
dead
?”

“No, no.” Malshash gestured
impatiently. Then he hesitated. “Well… yes. In a way. You
are
just as
alive as anyone else. Your heart still beats, your blood pumps, you need food
and sleep. But… differently, I suppose. I meant that at some point, your body
expired. Perhaps it was only for a few seconds, perhaps it was minutes – I
don’t know how long it takes for a Source to flicker out completely. But now
for your body to function as it should, you need to draw your Essence
from
external sources.”

Davian shook his head, dazed.
“What does that mean?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I think I understand
what you’re saying, but… what are the implications?”

Malshash shrugged. “Nothing to be
worried about, I would think. You do it instinctively, like breathing, so you
shouldn’t be in any danger - and as far as I can tell you don’t draw enough to
put anyone around you in harm's way. So long as you don’t lose your ability to
use kan, you’re no different from anyone else.”

Davian was silent. He had
died
?
He thought back to the day he’d been branded with his Mark, the day he’d woken
up in the school unable to move from his injuries. Had that been when it had
happened? Thinking about it – that somehow in the past he had actually
died
– made him twist inside.

“I can’t say I’m entirely
comfortable with the concept, nonetheless,” he admitted in a shaky voice.

Malshash nodded. “I understand.
But it saved your life. You couldn’t have survived the rift otherwise.” He
grinned at the irony. “It was meant to be, Davian. You have this power for a
reason. And the good news is, your body is well adapted to kan. Which means we
can take a few… shortcuts. You’ll be home in no time.”

Davian brightened at the
prospect. “When do we start?”

Malshash clapped him on the back.
“We’ll begin this afternoon. For now, though, we should get some food. I
haven’t eaten today.”

Davian nodded, caught between
dismay at the news he’d been told, and the hope that he would soon be returning
to his own time.

He followed Malshash silently,
lost in thought.

***

Davian cleared his mind, trying
to sense kan.

It was only a few moments before
he could feel it. It was less something physical, and more an absence. Like a
shadow rather than light.

“Good,” murmured Malshash. Davian
ignored the comment. This was the easy part.

They had been practicing for a couple
of hours now. It was a frustrating process, though Malshash appeared unfazed by
Davian’s lack of progress. If anything, the mysterious man seemed encouraged by
how quickly Davian was able to sense kan, and even to an extent control it.

“Now,” said Malshash, “ I've
walled off most of my mind, but left a specific memory open for you to see. My
memory will become yours, though you will be able to see it as distinct from
your own. All you need to do is use kan to will yourself inside my mind, to
connect to me.”

“Is that all,” said Davian
through gritted teeth, a bead of sweat trickling down his forehead. Kan was
stubborn and slippery; using it for even a few seconds was like grasping at
shadows. What was worse, the process to enter another’s mind was delicate; it
required a deft touch and more mental concentration than Davian would have
previously believed possible. Malshash said kan was more difficult to wield
than Essence, and Davian believed him. If Essence had been this difficult to
control, the number of Gifted able to use it effectively would be far smaller.

Still, this time he managed to
keep it in his mind, keep his focus sharp as he reached out tentatively towards
Malshash. He felt himself push
through
the kan, using it to make his
will a reality.

He mentally reached Malshash and
felt a barrier, something stopping him. He
pushed
again.

The world blurred for a moment;
he lost concentration and everything dropped away, including his sense of kan.
He gasped, holding his head, feeling like a bucket of cold water had been
dumped over it.

He looked up. Malshash was
watching him intently. “Well?”

Davian felt a chill run through
him. “You were on the road yesterday. You passed a merchant who sold you food.”
He snorted. “You ate all the good stuff before you got back here.”

Malshash considered him for a few
more seconds, then broke into a wide smile. “Exactly right.”

Davian smiled back, still
examining the memory in his head. It was an odd feeling. He knew the
recollection wasn’t his, but he could picture the open fields, the fair
weather, the greedy smile of the merchant knowing he could charge double for
food so far from a town. It was remarkable.