The Secrets of Their Souls (22 page)

“Do you not think I’m sorry for the past? Do you think that the things I’ve done aren’t a burden that I have to live with? You said you suffered from the same nightmares, so you know how real they are. Every time I wake up from one, I have to live with the guilt of Raven’s crimes. You didn’t need to punish me, Jayce, I was already doing that.”

“I know that now. I was watching you when you came back from the kitchen, the night you saw the raven painting. I understood then how much pain you were in. From then on I didn’t want to hurt you, I just wanted you to be honest with me and I felt like you owed it to me to do that. I didn’t feel like I should have to ask you to do it, as ego-centered as that sounds, and is.”

“Of course I’m sorry, how could you not know that?” Zahra looked away, holding back the tears. She had never been such a crier in her life. “I wish I had known that you knew,” she continued. “I was terrified that if I told you and you didn’t believe me, I would end up in some mental institution and I would lose you and my career. And I was also terrified that if you did believe me, that you would hate me for what I did to you—to Dryas. I hate myself for it, so how could you not, too?”

“I don’t hate you for what she did to him and you shouldn’t either. I want you in my life, Zahra. I don’t want this life without you. This week has been horrible and I must have picked up the phone to call you a hundred or more times, but I was scared that you wouldn’t even hear me out. I know I hurt you, and I did do it intentionally, and that will forever be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. But, please, I can make this right, I can fix this—fix us.”

“I don’t think you’re the person I thought you were. You lied to me and I don’t trust you anymore. I made mistakes too, I admit that, and I shouldn’t have acted the way I did either. I shouldn’t have kicked you out. But I don’t know how to move forward now.” She shook her head, hating that their relationship was complicated.

“I know that you don’t trust me and I have to earn that back. We’ll take it slow, no more secrets, no more lies. I meant what I said the night we were talking and I brought up my father’s beliefs on past lives—I think we can overcome anything together. I admit, when I left on Saturday I thought it was over, I thought it was too complicated. But I think we’re worth fighting for. I need you. Please, give me one more chance.”

His eyes pleaded with her heart and she wanted to believe they could make it work.

“I don’t think Raven knew how completely Dryas loved her—if she did, I don’t think she could ever have killed him. And I don’t think that kind of love ever dies, Zahra. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you and I love you more today than ever.”

The tears rolled down her cheeks and Jayce got up and sat beside her. He wiped away her tears and turned her face to him. “Let me show you how I really am.” There were tears in his eyes, too, and Zahra gave in. They would find a way to make it work.

“No more lies,” she said, raising her eyebrows.

“I promise.” Jayce nodded. “And no more secrets.”

“I promise,” she whispered.

He leaned in and kissed her, and every cell in her body tingled. She kissed him back—uninhibited, unrestrained.

“I love you so much,” Jayce said, resting his forehead on hers, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I love you too.” She cradled his face in her hands and kissed his lips.

“Have dinner with me tonight. Nine o’clock. I’ll come to your office and we’ll go together.”

The corners of her lips turned up. “Are you condoning inter-office dating now?”

He smirked. “I think I have to—I want the world to know you’re my girlfriend. I’ll deal with the aftermath of the inter-office dating later.” Jayce rolled his eyes.

Zahra giggled. “I would love to have dinner with you, Jayce Tohmatsu.”

She wore a smile on her lips all through lunch and the afternoon. There were no guarantees they would make it, that their past wouldn’t again threaten their future, but they would fight for it, for the love they shared.

“You’ve got mail,” Holly said, sliding it across Zahra’s desk. “I think the new intern put it on my desk by mistake. And, by the way, you look a lot better today.”

Zahra had been passing off her misery as
I’m-not-feeling-well
all week. “Yeah, I feel much better. I don’t know what it was—some stomach virus, I think. Anyway, I feel pretty good today. How is Church Street looking?”

“Oh yeah, it looks amazing. I can’t wait until we can get in there and do our job. They’re all placing bets on how fast they think it will sell out.”

Zahra laughed and she couldn’t wait to get in there either. “Nice. I’m going over tomorrow morning.”

“All right, well, I’m going down to get a coffee. Do you want one?” Holly asked.

“No, I’m fine, thanks,” Zahra said, picking up the first envelope on the stack of mail. It was surprising how much they still received in a world that should be almost paperless. She paused at the last envelope—it had no return address. She slid her finger under the seal and opened it.

“Oh, God!” Zahra said, manically pulling the photographs out. Desolation seeped into her veins as she shuffled them through her hands. There were so many—it was like an album of horrors. She stuffed them back into the envelope and stuffed that into her handbag.
Don’t cry
, she told herself,
don’t cry, not in the office
.
And don’t vomit
. She stood up and somehow managed to make it to the bathroom before she lost her lunch.

His impending dinner date lifted his mood to a state he had not been in all week: happy. It had been the negotiation of his life, but somehow he’d convinced her to give him another shot and he vowed from that moment forward that he would never lie to her again. Nor would he play any mind games. He would be the man she deserved.

Zahra Foster: I have to go by Church St this evening. Message me the details of the restaurant and I’ll meet you there. Xo

He felt a tinge of disappointment upon reading her message. He’d wanted them to leave Mason together, and he wanted to spend every possible minute with her tonight, but he brushed it aside—if anyone understood work commitments it was him, and her ambition was one of the things he loved about her.

Jayce had booked a new restaurant in town with booth seating to give them some privacy. He wanted to take her out to celebrate their new beginning, but he also wanted her to himself. If Church Street hadn’t been days away from completion, he would have canceled his entire afternoon and taken her home. But that was not his life, and he had responsibilities he had to honor and a deadline to meet. He looked at his watch: three hours until dinner.

Jayce ordered a bottle of champagne as he waited for her to arrive. She was late.

“I’m sorry, I got stuck at Church Street,” Zahra said, rushing up to the table.

“It’s fine,” Jayce said, standing up to kiss her. He wrapped her up in his arms and kissed her.

“Hey,” she said, pushing him back playfully, “we’re in a restaurant.”

“I’m making up for the past week,” Jayce said and chuckled.

An odd look passed over her face but she sat down opposite him and smiled, so he didn’t give it another thought. “Are we celebrating?” She eyed the champagne bottle.

“Yes, we are,” Jayce said as the waiter came over and poured two glasses. He nodded his head in thank you and the waiter left them. “I think we should toast to a fresh start.”

She nodded and took a sip. “I do want to apologize specifically for asking you to leave on Saturday night. I feel really bad about it.” She frowned and Jayce brought her hand to his lips, wishing she’d sat beside him.

“Don’t give it another thought,” he said. “It’s over with now.”

“I know, but I still feel bad. What did you do? Did you go straight home?”

He cleared his throat. “No, I walked for a while. I have no idea how long for. And then I called Kyoji. I went to a new club he owns. I was really upset, so I wanted to have a few drinks and numb the pain.”

She smiled sadly. “Did it work?”

“Mostly it gave me a hell of a hangover.”

She raised her eyebrows. “How much did you drink?”

Jayce sighed. “Way too much. If I don’t see another bottle of whisky in my life, it will still be too soon.”

She chuckled and took another sip. “So what did you and Kyoji do? I didn’t realize he was in town.”

“He’s been staying at my apartment for a few weeks now—on business. I didn’t mention it before because Kyoji likes to keep his whereabouts very private. We didn’t do much. We sat in his office, drinking, mostly.”
Why is she asking so many questions?
Jayce’s heart rate increased a little.

She wet her lips. “And then you went home after the club?”

“I don’t remember getting home, but yes, I believe that’s correct.” Jayce felt like he was being interrogated.

She looked into his eyes, searching them. “Is there anything else about that night that you would like to tell me?”

His heart stopped.
She knows, she has to. But how can she?
His throat constricted.

“Jayce?” The veil she had masked her anger with had been lifted.

Fuck
! Jayce thought.
I’m going to lose her again
.

“You have a really hard time being honest, don’t you?” Zahra said.

If looks could kill, I’d be burning in hell right now
, he thought. “Zahra, please—”

“Don’t ‘Zahra, please’ me,” she said, abhorrence impaling her words. She leaned over and pulled an envelope out of her bag and slid it toward him.

His shaky hands fumbled, but he managed to open it. Photograph after photograph of him and Rebecca in the private room—naked and fucking. Shame gripped him and wrapped its chains around his neck. He hung his head in his hands.

“How long has that been going on?” Zahra asked.

“What? No! It was just that one night, I swear to God,” Jayce said. The fuckers had even dated the photographs.

“So was this to punish me, too? Or is this just how you deal with things?”

“This was… It was just a drunken mistake. You kicked me out and told me you couldn’t do this and I thought we were over. I was heartbroken. I just wanted to forget about you, to forget about the pain. I’m not using that as an excuse and I know it was wrong, but that’s how I felt at the time.”

She stood up. “Goodbye, Jayce,” Zahra said and walked out.

He let her go, fixated in his grief and self-loathing.
I should have told her about Rebecca
, Jayce thought.
She should never have found out by seeing these photographs
.
She should never have fucking received these vulgar photos.
So much for their fresh start.
Fuck!

Jayce looked at the envelope again and shook his head; he couldn’t let her go, not without another fight. He threw two bills down on the table, picked up the envelope and ran out of the restaurant. He looked up and down the street and saw her two blocks away, presumably waiting for a taxi. He sprinted in her direction, his body driven by desperation.

“Zahra!” he called out and she turned away when she saw him. She started walking, but he just ran faster until he was beside her.

“Leave me alone.” She crossed her arms over her chest and increased her pace.

“Stop, please. Just let me explain.” He had to stop her, he couldn’t let her go again. “Please, I am begging you, just hear me out.”

She came to a halt and there was fire in her eyes. “I’ve done that once already and you told me that you would show me who you really are. Thank you, now I know and I want nothing to do with you. While I was at home, devastated and trying to think through every possibility of how we could fix this, you were out partying and fucking another woman. At the very least you should have told me about her, if we were going to try and start over!”

She was yelling at him in the street, but he didn’t care. As long as she wasn’t walking away from him, he still had a microscopic chance. “If I had told you, would you have given me another chance?”

She shook her head furiously and started walking.

“Exactly.” He followed her. “I didn’t tell you for the same reason you didn’t tell me about the dreams—I was terrified of losing you. If I could take this back, I would, because it meant nothing. I barely remember it, but I do remember looking at her and wishing she was you.”

Her eyes widened. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“No, I’m just trying to be honest about it. I love you and I will do anything for you, so please don’t walk away.”

“This is done, we are done. We are not meant to be together. Look at how much pain we cause each other. I don’t know why we came together again but it was not for a happy reunion! Now get out of my way!” she said.

“No, you’re not leaving. I can’t live without you. Don’t do this, don’t walk away.” She was slipping away from him and he grabbed her arm in a doomed attempt to keep her.

“Get your fucking hands off of me!” Zahra screamed and pushed him away. She ran from him and straight out into the street. He heard the screeching brakes before her body bounced off the car hood and onto the ground.

Terror asphyxiated him as he looked at her motionless body.
No!
He rushed to her side and tried to rouse her, but she didn’t respond. “Call an ambulance—someone call an ambulance!” Jayce screamed. Blood gushed from a wound on her forehead and he took off his jacket, holding it to her head to stop the bleeding. He tried to remember what little first aid he could, but his mind was in a state of panic. He checked her pulse—she had one. He checked that she was breathing—she was; tiny, shallow breaths. “Zahra, wake up. Please wake up.” He spoke to her over and over again, but her eyes stayed closed.

What is taking the ambulance so long?
Jayce looked up and down the street. A crowd had gathered around, but no one stepped forward to help her. She needed help and he had never felt more helpless. This was his fault; she ran out into the road blindly to get away from him because he couldn’t let her go. His hand was covered in blood, blood that had soaked through his jacket.
Please, God, let her be okay
, Jayce prayed.