The Secret Keeper (15 page)

Jimmy took his library book from his haversack but he didn’t read it. He was too het up with memories of Dolly and the day, thoughts of London and the future, to concentrate on Of Mice and Men. He was still a little confused as to what had happened between them. He’d meant to impress her with his news, not make her upset—there was something almost sacrilegious in disappointing a person as spirited and glowing as Doll was—but Jimmy knew he’d done the right thing.

She didn’t want to marry a man with nothing, not really. Doll loved ‘things’: trinkets and pretties and keepsakes to collect. He’d watched her today, and he’d seen her looking at the people in the bathing hut, the girl in the silver dress; he knew that whatever her fantasies about the farmhouse, she longed for excitement and glamour and all the things money could buy. Of course she did. She was beautiful and funny and charming; she was seventeen years old; she lived in a world of lovely people and fine things. Dolly didn’t know what it was to go without, and neither should she. She deserved a man who could offer her the very best of everything, not a lifetime of butcher’s leftovers got on the cheap and a drop of condensed milk in her tea when they couldn’t stretch to sugar. Jimmy was working hard to become that man, and as soon as he did, by God, he was going to marry her and never let her go.

But not until then.

Jimmy knew first-hand what happened to people with nothing who married for love. His mother had disobeyed her wealthy father to marry Jimmy’s dad, and for a time the two of them had been blissfully happy. But it hadn’t lasted. Jimmy could still remember his confusion when he woke up to find his mother gone. ‘Just up and disappeared,’ he’d heard people whispering in the street; and Jimmy had thought of that magic show they’d seen together just the other week. He’d marvelled, picturing his mother disappearing, the warm flesh of her body disintegrating into particles of air before his eyes. If anyone was capable of such magic, Jimmy decided, it was his mother.

As with so many of the great matters of childhood, it was his peers who showed him the light, long before a kindly adult thought to do the same. Little Jimmy Metcalfe got a bolter for a mum; ran off with a rich man, left poor Jim without a crumb. Jimmy brought the rhyme home from the school playground, but his dad had very little to say on the matter; he’d grown thin and tired looking, and had started spending a lot of time by the window, pretending he was waiting on the postman with an important business letter. He just kept patting Jimmy’s hand and saying they’d be all right, that the two of them would muddle through, that they still had each other. It had made Jimmy nervous the way his father kept saying that, as if he were trying to convince himself, and not his son at all.

Jimmy leaned his forehead against the train’s glass window and watched the tracks whizz by beneath him. His father. The old man was the only sticking point in his plans for London. He couldn’t be left alone in Coventry, not these days, but he was sentimental about the house where Jimmy had grown up. Lately, with his mind wandering the way it did, Jimmy sometimes found the old boy setting the table for Jimmy’s mother, or worse, sitting at the window as he’d used to, waiting her to come home.

The train pulled into Waterloo station and Jimmy slung his haversack over his shoulder. He’d find a way. He knew he would. The future stretched ahead, and Jimmy was determined to be equal to it. Holding tightly to his camera, he leapt from the carriage and headed for the underground to catch the train back to Coventry.

Dolly, meanwhile, was standing in front of the wardrobe mirror in her room at Bellevue, draped in a magnificent piece of silver silk. She was going to return it later, of course, but it would’ve been a crime not to try it on first. She straightened, and stood for a moment watching herself. The rise and fall of her breasts as she breathed, the bones of her decolletage, the way the dress rippled with life across her skin. It was like nothing she’d worn before, like nothing in her mother’s stodgy wardrobe. Not even Caitlin’s mother had a dress like this. Dolly was trans-formed.

She wished Jimmy could see her now, like this. Dolly touched her lips and her breaths shortened at the memory of his kiss, the weight of his eyes upon her, the way he’d looked when he took her photograph. It had been her first proper kiss. She was a different person now from the one she’d been this morning. She wondered if her parents would notice; whether it was apparent to everyone that a man like Jimmy, a grown man with rough edges and work-hardened hands and a job in Lon-don taking photographs, had looked at her with hunger and kissed her like he meant it.

Dolly smoothed the dress over her hips. Smiled a slight greeting to an invisible associate. Laughed at a silent joke. And then, with a swirl, she let herself fall back across the narrow bed, arms wide. London— she said it out loud to the paint that was peeling in curls off the ceiling. Dolly had made a decision and the excitement was almost enough to kill her. She was going to go to London; she’d tell her parents as soon as the holiday was over and they all went back to Coventry. Mother and Father would hate the idea, but it was Dolly’s life and she re-fused to be cowed by convention; she didn’t belong in a bicycle factory; she was going to do exactly what she wanted. There was adventure waiting for her out there in the big wide world: Dolly just had to go and find it.

Nine

London, 2011

IT WAS GREY OUT, and gloomy, and Laurel was glad she’d brought her heavier coat. The documentary producers had offered to send a car, but she’d said no, the hotel wasn’t far and she preferred to walk. She did, too. She enjoyed walking, always had, and it came these days with the added bonus that it kept the doctors happy. Today, though, she was particularly pleased to go by foot; with any luck the fresh air would help to clear her head. She felt unusually nervous about the afternoon’s interview. Just thinking about the glaring lights, the unblinking eye of the camera, the amiable young journalist’s questions, drove Laurel’s fingers into her bag for a cigarette. So much for keeping the doctors happy.

She stopped on the corner of Kensington Church Street to strike a match, glancing at her watch as she shook the flame away. They’d finished the film’s rehearsal ahead of schedule and the interview wasn’t until three. She drew thoughtfully on her cigarette; if she hurried, there was still time to make a little detour along the way. Laurel glanced towards Notting Hill. It wasn’t far, it wouldn’t take long; nonetheless she hesitated. She sensed herself at a crossroads of sorts, a raft of shadowy implications lurking behind the seemingly simple decision. But no, she was overthinking it—of course she should go and take a look. It would be silly not to, having found herself so near. Hugging her handbag close, she started briskly away from the High Street. (‘Clip along, loves,’ their mother used to say, ‘don’t dilly-dally.’ Just because the words amused her.)

Laurel had caught herself staring at her mother’s face during the birthday party, as if she might find answers to the riddle written there. (How did you know Henry Jenkins, Ma? I take it you weren’t good friends.) They’d held the party on Thursday morning in the hospital garden—the weather had been fine and, as Iris pointed out, after the sorry excuse for a summer they’d had it would’ve been a crime not to take advantage of the sunshine.

Such a wonderful face, their mother’s. As a younger woman she’d been beautiful, far more beautiful than Laurel, more so than any of her daughters with the possible exception of Daphne. She certainly wouldn’t have had directors pushing her to-wards character roles. But one thing you could bank on, beauty—the sort that came with youth— didn’t last, and their mother had grown old. Her skin had sagged, spots had appeared, along with mysterious puckers and discolorations; her bones had seemed to subside as the rest of her shrank and her hair frayed to nothing. But still that face remained, every aspect bright with mischief, even now. Her eyes, though tired, had the glint of one who never stopped expecting to be amused, and her mouth turned up at the corners as if she’d just remembered a joke. It was the sort of face that drew strangers; that enchanted them and made them want to know her better. The way she had of making you feel with a slight twitch of the jaw that she too had suffered as you did, that everything would be better now simply for having come within her orbit: that was her real beauty—her presence, her joy, her magnetism. That, and her splendid appetite for make-believe.

‘My nose is far too big for my face,’ she’d said once when Laurel was small and watching her dress for something or other. ‘My God-given talents were wasted. I’d have made a fine parfumier.’ She’d turned from the mirror then and given the sort of playful smile that always made Laurel’s heart beat a little faster in anticipation. ‘Can you keep a secret?’

Laurel, sitting on the end of her parents’ bed, had nodded and her mother had leaned forward so that the tip of her nose touched Laurel’s own little button and then she’d whispered, ‘That’s because I used to be a crocodile. A long time ago, be-fore I became a mummy.’

‘Did you really?’ Laurel said with a gasp.

‘Yes, but it became rather tiresome. All that snapping and swimming. And tails can be very heavy, you know, especially when they’re wet.’

‘Is that why you changed to become a lady?’

‘No, not at all. Heavy tails aren’t pleasant, but they’re no reason to shirk one’s duties. One day I was lying on the banks of a river—’

‘In Africa?’

‘Of course. You didn’t think we had crocodiles here in England, did you?’

Laurel shook her head.

‘There I was, sunning myself, when a little girl wandered by with her mummy. They were holding hands and I realised that I should very much like to do the same thing. So I did. I became a person. And then I had you. It all worked out rather well, I have to say, except for this nose.’

‘But how?’ Laurel blinked wondrously. ‘How did you turn into a person?’

‘Well, now.’ Dorothy returned to the mirror and straightened her shoulder straps. ‘I can’t tell you all my secrets, can I? Not all at once. Ask me again some day. When you’re older.’

Ma always did have an imagination. ‘Well, she had to, hadn’t she,’ said Iris with a snort as she drove them home from the birthday party, ‘all of us to put up with. A lesser woman would’ve gone stark raving mad.’ Which, Laurel had to concede, was true. She knew she would have. Five children squawking and squabbling at her heels, a farmhouse that dripped somewhere else each time it rained, birds nesting in the chimneys. It was like some kind of nightmare.

Except that it hadn’t been. It had been perfect. The sort of home life that was written about by sentimental novelists in the type of books branded nostalgic by critics. (Until that whole business with the knife. That’s more like it, the critics would’ve puffed.) Laurel could vaguely remember rolling her eyes from the depths of her teenage glooms, and wondering how anyone could be content with such a dull domestic lot. The word bucolic hadn’t been invented then, not for Laurel, who was far too busy in 1958 with Kingsley Amis to bother with The Darling Buds of May. But she hadn’t wanted her parents to change. Youth was an arrogant place, and to believe simply that they were less adventurous than she was had suited Laurel just fine. Not for a moment had she considered that there might be anything beyond Ma’s appearance as a happy wife and mother; that she might have been young once herself, and determined not to turn into her mother; that she might even be hiding from something in her past.

Now, though, the past was everywhere. It had seized Laurel in the hospital when she saw the photo of Vivien, and it hadn’t let go since. It waited for her around every corner; it whispered in her ear by dead of night. It was cumulative, gathering weight each day, bringing with it bad dreams and knives that glistened, and little boys with tin rockets and the promise of going back, of fixing things. She couldn’t concentrate properly on anything else, not the film that was due to start production next week, nor the documentary interview series she was recording. Nothing seemed to matter except learning the truth about her mother’s secret past.

And there was a secret past. If Laurel hadn’t been sure enough already, Ma had all but confirmed it. At her ninetieth birthday party, as her three great-granddaughters wove neck-laces from daisies, and her grandson tied a hanky round his own son’s bleeding knee, and her daughters made sure every-one had cake and tea enough, and someone shouted, ‘Speech! Speech!’, Dorothy Nicolson had smiled beatifically The late-flowering roses blushed on the bushes behind her and she clasped her hands together, idly rolling the rings that fell now loosely around her knuckles. And then she sighed. ‘I’m so fortunate,’ she said, in a slow rickety voice. ‘Look at all of you, look at my children. I’m so thankful, so lucky to have …’ Her old lips had trembled then, and her eyelids fluttered shut, and the others had rushed around her with kisses and cries of ‘Dearest, darling Mummy!’ so they’d missed it when she said, ‘a second chance.’

But Laurel had heard it. And she’d stared harder at Ma’s lovely, tired, familiar secretive face. Hunting it for answers. Answers she knew were there to be found. Because people who’d led dull and blameless lives did not give thanks for second chances.