The Saint's Wife (19 page)

She opened her eyes. What was there to say?

Chris lifted his hand off his stomach and rested it on the edge of the bed, palm upturned.

Her eyes flicked back and forth from his hand to his eyes.

Beep-beep. Beep-beep. Beep-beep.

Heart thumping, she unfolded her fingers. Then, slowly, she reached for him, and took his fragile hand in hers.

She took a deep breath. “Things have happened.” Though it took some effort, she met his eyes. “Things we can’t go back and fix.”

“I know. We both did things we shouldn’t have.” He paused. “But for what it’s worth, I won’t ask you to give up someone who has a chance to make you happy like I never did.”

Joanna stared at him. “You…are you…” She shook her head. “Are you giving me your blessing to…”

“To be with David? Yes.” Chris held her gaze. “He’s a good man.”

“I know, he is, but—”

“You deserve nothing less.” He sighed. “Especially after me.”

How many times would she have given her right arm to hear him admit that? And how many times would she have been ready to unload on him, to tell him he was damn right she deserved better than him? But now…

“I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

“You don’t have to. Just…be happy. With him, on your own, with someone else.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t set out to hurt you.”

“Even if you did, I probably deserved—”

“It doesn’t matter.” She forced her voice to remain even. “I just need you to know it wasn’t out of revenge or anything like that.”

“I know you, Jo.” He smiled a little. “That’s not who you are.”

“Neither is cheating on my husband.”

He half shrugged. “Which just makes me that much more of an idiot for cheating on you.” He sighed. “If you were going to be with someone else, you couldn’t have picked a better one.”

Joanna winced. David’s absence still hurt like hell. Chris’s blessing assuaged some of the guilt in her chest, but it didn’t bring David back. Her voice barely carried over the beeping monitor as she said, “I’m starting to understand why you two were so close.”

Chris chuckled softly. “It only took fifteen years for the two of
you
to get along.”

Joanna tried to laugh, but it hurt too much.

Chris studied her, and his expression turned serious again. “You love him, don’t you?”

“I…” Joanna studied their joined hands, his thin, bony fingers laced loosely between hers. “I don’t know what I feel about him or anything else.” Slowly, she raised her gaze and met his through her lashes. “Please don’t blame him, though.”

Chris shook his head, a simple gesture that once again seemed to take so much work. “No, I don’t blame him. Or you. You deserve to be happy, Joanna. And if being with him makes you happy…”

Joanna swallowed the lump in her throat. “I cheated on you.”

“So did I.”

“Two wrongs don’t—”

“Nothing will make any of this right.” He ran his cool thumb back and forth along the back of her hand. “Now we just do damage control. Make the best out of what’s left. And if that means you’re with David, I won’t stop you.” His fingers twitched a little, and he squeezed her hand gently. “I have no right to ask for anything from you now, but I don’t want to lose you completely.”

She took a breath. “What do you want me to do?”

“Just be here.” The pleading in his voice was such an alien thing, it took her a moment to comprehend his words.

“But…what about…” She wiped her eyes with her free hand. “We’ve both done so much to fuck up our marriage. Do you really want
me
here?”

“There’s no one else I want more.”

Another tear slipped free, and she caught it with her finger.

Chris continued, “Under normal circumstances, I’d say we should go our separate ways right now and go through with the divorce. Maybe even try to hash out why we did the things we did. But there isn’t much time. And I don’t want to waste that time pointing fingers.”

Joanna exhaled slowly. “So what do we do?”

“After the things we’ve both done, I can’t ask you to stay with me as my wife. But we were friends once. And I…” He swallowed and shifted his gaze to meet hers. “I know I’m in no position to ask us to even be that much again, but can you forgive me enough to stay with me until…until this is over?”

“Stay with you…how?” She chewed her lip. “We can’t go back to what we were before. If I can help, I will, but I don’t…” Joanna struggled to hold his gaze. “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“Nothing.” He weakly squeezed her hand. “I just don’t want to be alone.”

Staring down at their hands, she couldn’t put her finger on what she felt. Guilt, shame, grief, anger—so many emotions swirled inside her that they all seemed to cancel each other out. Chris seemed like a stranger now, frail and gentle in front of her like this, and yet she somehow felt closer to him than she had in ages. Her heart even beat in time with his—
beep-beep, thump-thump, beep-beep, thump-thump
.

“Jo,” he whispered after a while. “I know you’ve been alone for a long time.”

Her head snapped up.

“David told me. That I’d been neglecting you all this time.” Chris laughed bitterly. “I’m just an idiot who had to wait until he’d used up eight and a half of his nine lives and lost his wife to another man, to realize it was true.” He glanced down at their hands, then back at her eyes. “I’m sorry, Jo. I can’t change the past. But…I’m sorry.”

Joanna’s mind reeled as she struggled to process the words. Chris had never been one to admit he was wrong. That he’d fucked up even a trivial thing, never mind a fifteen-year marriage. But there it was. No sarcasm. No condescension. Not a trace of anything she was used to hearing from him. Just…genuine repentance.

And yet again, she didn’t know what to say.

No.

No, that wasn’t right.

She knew exactly what she needed to say.

She stood, leaned over him and hugged him gently. “I’ll be here. Until this is over.”

“Thank you, Joanna.”

Chapter Twenty-One

Chris is in the hospital. He wants to see you.

David stared at the text message. He didn’t know what was hardest to comprehend—that Chris wanted to see him or that the message had come from Joanna.

For a long time, he didn’t know how to respond but eventually typed out,
How’s his condition?
If Chris was on death’s doorstep, then David would need to get over there fast. If he was stable, then there was a little more time to figure out what was going on and what to do next.

Joanna replied,
Stable
. A second later,
The scans aren’t looking good
.

David’s heart jumped into his throat. This was it, wasn’t it? They were getting close to the end. Maybe Chris wasn’t terminal yet, but he couldn’t afford a bad scan. No news was good news. Bad news was…really bad news.

And if it was bad enough for Chris and Joanna to be speaking…

Oh fuck.

He texted back,
I’ll be there as soon as I can. Room #?

He made it to the hospital in record time, and headed up to the ICU. Someone had apparently spoken to the staff and made sure he’d be allowed to see Chris even though he wasn’t family, and he wasn’t given any hassle when he signed in. At the door, he hesitated. There were so many ways this could play out. Chris could be drugged up, semiconscious—dying, even. He could be lucid. Pissed off.

And was Joanna here? David had been in such a hurry to come up here, he hadn’t bothered looking around in the parking lot for her car. What the hell was going to happen if he walked through this door?

Only one way to find out.

He put his hand on the knob, hesitated and then stepped inside.

Chris was awake, and Joanna was here, and one glance at her made David’s head spin. He still felt guilty for sleeping with her, but he hadn’t been able to get her out of his mind either. What they’d done was wrong, and yet right. So right. It hadn’t been just sex any more than it had been just a “fuck you” to Chris. It had been…

God. It was more, wasn’t it?

“Come in,” Chris said, breaking the uncomfortable silence, and David realized he’d been hovering in the open doorway.

“Um, okay.” He closed the door and approached the bed. Joanna sat beside Chris’s, and there was a chair on the other side of the bed, but David made no move to sit. He was much too restless.

“Thank you for coming,” Chris said.

“Don’t mention it.” David’s gaze shifted toward Joanna. “Thanks for”—
my God, Joanna, I am so sorry
—“calling.”

She offered a slight nod but said nothing. David turned back to Chris. Wow, she hadn’t been kidding about his condition. Though he was awake and coherent, the disease had definitely taken its toll recently.

This is really happening, isn’t it? You’re going to die. You’re going to die
soon
.

Chris cleared his throat. Then he coughed, and it was a deep, painful sound. Joanna winced. So did David. Chris took a sip of water and then set the cup back on the tray. “I wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize?” David moistened his lips. “For what?”

Chris laughed humorlessly. “I don’t even know where to start. Everything?”

David shifted his weight, not sure what to say. “Shouldn’t…um…shouldn’t I be the one apologizing?”

“Maybe.” Chris’s thin shoulder lifted slightly. “But I’m starting to think anything you have to apologize for was just…” He paused, coughing a couple of times. “I’m starting to think it was all the result of things I should have apologized for a long time ago.”

David’s lips parted.

Chris swallowed hard. “Look, you’ve been my best friend since we were kids. And you stuck by me when anyone else would have been long gone.” He glanced at Joanna. “You both did.”

“But we…” David looked at Joanna, and he couldn’t even say it. Not without being disrespectful to her or to what they’d done, or without glorifying what they’d done.

Chris thumbed the edge of the cream-colored hospital blanket. “David, I just wanted to see you and tell you I’m sorry. For everything.” He inhaled deeply, probably as deeply as he could. “I can’t really fault either of you for turning to each other.”

David blinked. “What?”

“I wasn’t a good husband or a good friend.” Chris’s brow creased. “And I’d be one hell of a hypocrite to hold it against you for…” He glanced at Joanna. “For anything that happened between you and my wife.”

Oh, you’re not wrong there.

“So,” Chris went on, “I can’t change anything. But I needed you to know that I’m sorry.”

David hadn’t even realized how much he’d needed to hear those words until they came out, and his throat constricted. “I’m sorry too.”

“Don’t be.” Chris shook his head slowly. “To be honest, I’m surprised it took you this long to do anything.”

Silence fell. David wasn’t sure how to fill it. Joanna didn’t speak. Chris coughed a few times, but otherwise, the only sounds in the room were the steady beeping of his various monitors.

The quiet dragged on, but just before it became unbearable, Chris finally spoke. “I need a favor.”

David scowled. Always strings attached. Apparently some things never changed. “What is it?”

Chris hesitated. “Please, come back to Berserker Tech. I’m not going to be able to work much longer. Even if I’m…” He closed his eyes and pushed out a breath, then met David’s gaze again. “The drugs are getting too intense. I can’t run the company.” He swallowed. “I need you, David.”

“Except…I resigned.”

Chris half shrugged again. “Your resignation has never been officially announced.”

“It hasn’t?”

“No.” Chris laughed dryly. “I’d like to say it’s just because I’ve been too ill to discuss it with the board of directors, but the truth is…” His humor faded. “I had hoped I could convince you to reconsider.”

David chewed his lip.

“Please,” Chris said. “We built that place from the ground up. It’s…it’s the only thing I’ll be leaving behind that I can put my name on.”

David winced. “We both know it’s not the only thing you’re leaving behind.”

“I’d just as soon…” Chris hesitated. “I would just as soon that she never knows who her biological father is. I thought about it, but, I mean, look at me.” He gestured at his frail form and laughed bitterly. “I’m not going to subject a child to seeing me like this.”

David winced. “But if she’s your—”

“You’ve been her father from the beginning,” Chris said softly. “A much better one than I ever could have been. That’s why I didn’t bother going after Alexandra for parental rights. I didn’t even talk to her. I’m…” He shook his head. “I don’t have enough time left to fight for that.” He paused to cough, the deep, rattling sound making David cringe. “Well, when she’s old enough, it’s up to you and her mother. But you’ll always be her dad, not me.”

A lump rose in David’s throat, but he forced it back.

“I’d ask you to promise me you’ll take good care of her and raise her right, but…” Chris smiled, and David thought he might’ve teared up a little. “But you’re the last person in the world who’d need to be told that.”

Tears immediately pricked at David’s eyes. He stepped a little closer and sat in the chair beside Chris’s bed. Then he put a hand on Chris’s bony arm. “You don’t have to tell me, but for the record, I promise, you have nothing to worry about.”

“I know.”

David withdrew his hand and sat back. He glanced at Joanna. Or rather, he meant to glance at her, but their eyes met. And lingered. She looked exhausted and stressed, from the dark circles under her eyes to the invisible weight on her shoulders, but God, she was beautiful. And she deserved to be so much happier than she had been for the last few years.

Chris cleared his throat, and David and Joanna quickly broke eye contact.

David’s cheeks burned. “Sorry, uh…”

“It’s okay. I’m not about to blame you for looking at her.”

David straightened. “Come again?”

Chris gave a quiet chuckle. “I’ve been an idiot and stopped looking at her a long time ago. She deserves someone who still does.”

David’s mouth went dry. Was he…did he…

“Joanna doesn’t need anyone to take care of her.” Chris smiled fondly at his wife. As he turned to David again, he said, “But she deserves someone who doesn’t have to be on death’s doorstep to realize what he has.”

David’s lips parted. “Are you…are you giving us your blessing to…” His eyes darted toward Joanna, then back to Chris again. “Spell this out for me.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” Chris shrugged weakly. “A couple of hours ago, I was a hundred percent certain that I had no business asking either of you to come here. And you had every right not to come. But you did.” He coughed a couple of times and cleared his throat. “You came. You’re both better people than I’ve ever been. Why should I stop you from being happy?”

“But she’s…” David looked at Joanna. She chewed her lip, and offered nothing, as if she were as blown away by all of this as he was. To Chris, he said, “She’s your wife.”

“My wife who deserves better than what I’ve given her for the past fifteen years.” Chris put his hand over Joanna’s and looked her in the eye. “I don’t think you could have found a better man than him.”

Joanna’s smile was taut but genuine, and she squeezed her husband’s hand. David couldn’t begin to comprehend this. A truly affectionate gesture passing between those two? On the heels of Chris all but handing her over to David?

Chris turned to David again. “She doesn’t need my permission to do anything, and neither do you.” He paused, clearing his throat. “But for what it’s worth, if the two of you can be happy together…” His gaze flicked from one to the other. “Then I wish you both the best. And I won’t stand in your way.”

David glanced back and forth between them. “Would this…would this be different if you weren’t…”

“If I weren’t sick?”

“Yeah.”

Chris shrugged weakly. “Maybe. A lot of things would probably be different. But I am sick, so there’s no point in wallowing in the what-ifs. I just wanted you two to know that I get it. And it might not make up for anything I’ve done over the years, but I want you both to be happy in the future, whether that means being together or separate.”

A lump rose in David’s throat. “What about for now? While you’re still here?” He forced the lump back, or at least tried to. “What can I do?”

“Besides coming back to Berserker Tech?”

David managed a quiet laugh. “Yeah. Besides that.” He paused. “And yes, I’ll come back.”

Chris smiled. “Thank you. And for now…” He glanced at Joanna. “Would you both just stay for a little while?”

David met Joanna’s gaze, and her lips finally curved into a faint smile. He returned it and faced Chris again. “I don’t think we’re going anywhere.”

They stayed until Chris started getting drowsy. Both David and Joanna hugged him gently before they left and promised to come back during visiting hours the next day.

On the way out of the hospital, they were both silent.

Halfway down the walk, though, Joanna’s fingers brushed his, sending a shiver through him. Then they touched more deliberately. The third time, she slipped her hand into his, and a million sensations surged through him in the same moment something settled inside him. This was wrong, exhilarating, long overdue, way too soon…

Joanna halted. So did he.

“So.” She glanced down at their hands, which were still loosely joined, and then looked up at him. “This is all…”

“Unexpected?”

“Just a bit.” Joanna shook her head. “I don’t even know what we’re supposed to do now.”

“Neither do I.” He hesitated but then reached for her face and gently lifted her chin. “How have you been?”

She pressed against his hand. “It doesn’t matter. I’m better today, though.” Her eyebrows rose a little, asking him the same question.

“Definitely better today.” And then he gathered her in his arms and hugged her tight. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” She rested her head against his shoulder and held him. “I’m glad you came today.”

“Me too.”

They didn’t move for a good minute or so, but as they finally separated, their eyes met. His heartbeat was all over the place, his chest tight and his stomach fluttering at the same time. So many feelings he had no right to have, even after his best friend—her husband—had given his blessing, and yet he couldn’t have banished those feelings if he’d tried. And he didn’t try. Though his conscience gnawed at him, his heart had already made the decision: he was in love with her. Nothing was going to change that.

Joanna swallowed. “So what do we do now?”

David shook his head. “I don’t even know.”

“He needs me—both of us—until the end.” She lowered her gaze and whispered, “And what I need more than anything right now is a friend.”

David nodded, not sure quite how to feel about that. “I understand.”

She lifted her head and met his eyes. “I guess it’s a damned good thing I fell in love with such a good friend.”

His heart stopped. “You…”

“We started off on the wrong foot, and we stayed that way for a long time.” She took his hand in hers, slipping her warm fingers between his. “But things changed. And I’ve…I guess I’ve been thinking a lot since we went our separate ways. Being away from you hurt like hell. And when you walked into that room today…” She looked up at the hospital. “As far as I knew, you were just there to talk to Chris, and then we’d both walk away, but damn it, when I saw you, all I could think was…” She closed her eyes and exhaled. As she met his eyes again, she whispered, “You’ve been in and out of my house, you’ve been my husband’s best friend, and we’ve known each other for almost twenty years. And you know what I thought when you walked in today?”

David shook his head.

“I thought, you’re here. And it was like, for a minute, everything was okay. Even though you’ve been here all along, something’s changed.”

“I know. Because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you ever since I left your sister’s house.” He touched her face, and when she didn’t recoil, he slid his hand into her hair and drew her closer. “I missed you so much, Joanna.”