The Return of the Gypsy (46 page)

Clare seemed to be always beside me. There was a set smile about her lips. I fancied she was reminding me of the duty I owed to Edward.

The evening was like many Christmases I remembered at Eversleigh. The table in the great hall was beautifully decorated with several silver candelabra which were only used on such occasions; and there were sprigs of holly by every place.

We had the usual fare and dinner went on for a long time after which we retired to the solarium where games were played until the hall was cleared for dancing.

I was sitting beside Edward when Jake came along and asked me to dance with him.

I said: “No. I would like to sit beside my husband.”

But Edward would have none of it. “You must dance,” he said. “I like to see you dancing.”

“I don’t think I will, thanks.”

Jake took my hands. “She should, shouldn’t she?” he said to Edward.

Edward replied most emphatically that I should. “I’ll watch you,” he added.

“I’ll take great care of her,” replied Jake.

“I’m sure you will,” said Edward.

I felt uneasy with Jake and a little angry. I was very emotional on that night and Jake seemed almost lighthearted. He did not seem to understand how I felt about Edward.

I knew that Edward’s eyes were on us as we danced. I could imagine that he was thinking how cruel life was to rob him of his strength and manhood, of his ability to lead a natural life so that he must sit there and watch his wife dance with another man.

I don’t know what was the greater in that moment—the desire to abandon myself to this emotion which Jake alone could arouse in me, or my love for Edward and my determination never to let him know that I had swerved from the vows I had taken on our marriage.

Jake said: “You
must
tell him some time, Jessica.”

“How could I?”

“Just tell him.”

“You’ve seen how he is.”

“I believe he would understand.”

“He would certainly understand. But how could I leave him?”

“You have a choice to make. So has he. So have I. Yours to take which way of life is more important to you; his to keep you and suffer infinite remorse because of what he has deprived you. Mine is how much longer I shall allow this state to prevail.”

“It is not in your hands, Jake.”

“It could be,” he said.

“It is for me to make the choice, and I have known for a long time that I cannot leave Edward.”

“You love him more?”

“Of course I don’t. I could love you completely … if Edward were not there. But he is there. I married him and I know for certain now that I can never leave him.”

“And what of us?”

“You will go back to Cornwall. You will forget me.”

“I must certainly go to Cornwall. Forget you, I never will. Nor shall I lose you. I am going to find a way, Jessica. Believe me … we are going to be together … somehow.”

“No, Jake. It can’t be. I knew today … if ever I knew, that I have to stay with Edward as long as he needs me.”

Clare passed. She was dancing with Lord Pettigrew who performed rather ponderously. They were close to us and I saw that Clare’s eyes were watchful. What was she thinking? She knew that Jake and I were lovers. The letters had betrayed that. I believed she hated me because I had married Edward. I had taken him from her and now it seemed I did not want him.

Of course he ought to have married Clare. She would have been a devoted nurse. That would have been enough for her. She had always loved him. I guessed she would have looked up to him as a small child when he would have seemed so much older than she was, and so powerful. He would have been kind to the poor orphan girl, the poor relation who had been taken into the household because there was nowhere else for her to go. He would have been kindly sympathetic, sensing her loneliness. And of course she had given her absolute devotion to him. She was the faithful sort who would love him for ever. She must have hoped to marry him. That would have been the perfect culmination for her. Then I had come along, taken him from her, and having secured the prize indulged in a passionate love affair with someone else.

I could see Clare’s point of view and why her antagonism was aroused against me.

I was glad when it was midnight and I told my mother we must leave. We had to get Edward home and for that reason we had the carriage, so we would all go home in it with Edward: Jake, Clare, myself and Tamarisk who had been allowed to sit up as it was Christmas.

Toby came too for he was needed to help Edward into the carriage. James was still suffering from his strained back and Toby was very useful.

We said goodnight to my mother and other guests and set out for home.

“What a wonderful Christmas Day it has been!” said Jake. “There is nothing like the old traditions.”

We all agreed and Edward told us about Christmases in Nottingham and we all joined in until we arrived at Grasslands.

Toby—with Jake’s help—took Edward to his room; Clare said goodnight and took a somewhat subdued Tamarisk off with her. She would soon be asleep. Indeed she was halfway to that state already.

I met Jake coming out of Edward’s room. “All is well,” he said. “That Toby is a strong young man.”

“Goodnight, Jake.”

He took my hand and kissed it. “Come with me,” he whispered.

I shook my head.

“Just see me up and say goodnight.”

I went up the stairs with him to the bedroom. It looked very cosy. There was a fire in the grate and it threw its flickering light on the red curtains which had been drawn across the windows.

He closed the door and put his arms round me. “Stay with me,” he said.

“No. I am going to sit with Edward. I always do when they have got him to bed.”

“Afterwards … come back.”

“No, Jake. Not here.”

“Does it matter where?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“What strange ideas you have, Jessica. Place and time … they are unimportant. What matters is that we are together.”

“Edward is so near.”

He looked at me in tender exasperation. “You will stay with me here … through the night… please.”

“I couldn’t. It would seem to me as though Edward were here… in this room. It would seem like the ultimate betrayal.”

“If you are going to think along those lines the ultimate betrayal has already taken place.”

“I don’t think you see it as I do. Perhaps infidelity comes more naturally to men. It is condoned by society … unless it is discovered. What I have done is so wrong. It would be wrong for any woman … but because of Edward it is dastardly. I hate myself.”

“For loving and being loved by me?”

“Oh no … not for that. That is something which will always sustain me. I shall always love you, Jake. But I have made up my mind very definitely that I cannot leave Edward. I shall be with him as long as he needs me. I have given him my word and that is how it shall be. He has suffered so much. I would never add to that suffering if I could help it.”

“Do you mean that I must go away … I must leave you … that all I have to hope for is the snatched moment?”

“You will go away knowing that I love you as you love me.”

“I love you exclusively. I would never allow anything to stand in my way. I should consider no one but you… us … being together always.”

“You have seen how it is.”

“I have seen, of course, that Edward relies on you. He would be very sad if you went away. But he is not a man who would demand a sacrifice.”

“He is the most unselfish of men.”

“Yes. He has qualities which I do not possess. Yet you love me, remember. You loved me enough to break those marriage vows by which you set such store.”

“I do. I do. But you must understand. I must be here. I must stay with Edward while he needs me. I married him. I must remember that. It is too late for us, Jake.”

“It is never too late.”

And now, I thought, someone knows about us. Someone took the letters you wrote to me. Clare? Leah? I wanted to tell him to make him understand how careful we must be. But I hesitated. He would brush it aside. It was unimportant, he would say. Some day everyone would know that we were lovers because he did not intend to allow matters to remain as they were.

I withdrew myself.

“I must go and sit a while with Edward. I always chat with him for a few minutes before I say goodnight. He looks forward to it.”

“Come back,” he said.

I did not answer but came out of the room, and as I did I heard a door quietly shut. It could have been Clare’s room or that of Tamarisk. Tamarisk was adept at listening at doors. I thought Clare might not be guiltless either.

I went down to Edward’s room. He was in bed waiting for me. And his face lit up with pleasure as I came in.

I sat down beside the bed. On the top of the small cabinet which served as a table was the sleeping draught he took most nights, for he often found it difficult to sleep and the doctor said he must get the rest he needed.

On this night he looked tired. It had been a strenuous day for him.

I said: “You must be tired. It has been a heavy day.”

“Christmas is rather special, isn’t it?”

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Very much. Has our guest retired?”

“Oh yes. He’s probably fast asleep by now.”

“So should you be.”

“I shall go after our chat.”

“I loved to see you dancing. How I wish …”

I sighed and he went on: “Sorry, self pity.”

“You’re entitled to a little. Heaven knows you don’t indulge in it often.”

“I should not be sorry for myself… having you.”

I kissed him.

“Sleep well,” I said.

“I’m not really tired. It must be the excitement of Christmas.”

“So you will have your draught tonight?”

“Yes. I asked James to leave it ready for me. It’s effective.”

I picked up the glass and gave it to him.

He drank it and grimaced.

“Unpleasant?”

“A little bitter.”

“Well, I shall say goodnight.” I stooped over and kissed him. He returned my kiss lingeringly.

“God bless you, dearest Jessica, for all you have given me.”

“God bless you, Edward, for all you have given me.”

He smiled at me ironically and I shook my head at him.

“Always remember, Jessica, I want to do what is best for you.”

I kissed him hurriedly once more and went out of the room. I felt as I always did when he revealed his devotion to me … unclean and ashamed.

I came up the stairs. The door of Jake’s room was slightly open. I stood still for a few seconds looking at it. Then I took a step towards it.

I hesitated. I had a feeling I was being watched.

I turned away and went deliberately to my own room. I shut the door firmly, all the time fighting the urge to go to him to give way to my longing, to abandon the principles to which I was trying so desperately to cling.

I went to bed, but not to sleep. I lay awake for a long time thinking of Jake in his room, waiting for me in vain.

It was symbolic of the future.

I must never go to him. I must give my life to looking after Edward. I felt very apprehensive, waiting, fearful that Jake would come to me, for if he did I knew I should have no power to resist.

Finally I slept.

I was awakened early next morning by a knocking on my door.

I called: “Come in.” It was Jenny, one of the maids. She looked white-faced, disbelieving and scared.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, starting up.

“Oh, Madam, will you come … at once. It’s the master. James said to tell you he wanted to see you.”

“Where is he?”

“In the master’s bedroom.”

I leaped out of bed snatching my dressing gown. I ran downstairs to Edward’s room. He was lying back in bed, unnaturally white and very still.

I felt myself turn cold and I started to shiver.

I murmured: “Oh God, please don’t let it be …” I went to the bed and took his hand. It was cold and fell limply from my grasp.

“James?” I cried.

James came to me and shook his head. “I’m afraid …” he began.

I murmured: “Dead. Oh no, James … not dead.”

“I’ve sent Toby for the doctor.”

“When … ?”

“I came in this morning to see about breakfast as usual. I did not notice at first. I drew back the curtains and said good morning. There was no answer. Then I came to the bed and I saw … I couldn’t believe it. Then I sent Jenny for you.”

“James … how… ?”

James looked at the glass which was on the top of the cabinet—the very one which I had handed to Edward on the previous night.

“Oh … no,” I said.

“We won’t know until the doctor comes.”

“But there was nothing wrong with him … apart from his injuries … nothing that would be fatal?”

James shook his head. “Sit down, Mrs. Barrington. You look faint.”

“It can’t have been …” I went on.

“He was worried about himself… being so incapacitated. We’ll have to see what the doctor says.”

Clare came running in. “What is it? They are saying …”

She looked from Edward to me. “Oh no. It can’t be true …” Her eyes came to rest on me. They were dark with misery and suspicion.

“How I wish the doctor would come,” I said.

There was a terrible silence in that room. The tick of the clock seemed unusually loud. I thought: I’m dreaming. This can’t be. Edward … dead!

At last the doctor was with us. We left him alone with Edward and when he came out he was very grave.

“Mrs. Barrington,” he said, “this is most distressing.”

“I cannot believe it,” I said. “Why … Doctor … what…”

“I am certain it is the sleeping dose. How much did he take?”

“James always prepares it for him.”

James said quickly: “It was the usual dose, doctor.”

“I think it was more than that last night.”

“So it
was
that,” I murmured.

I thought of our last meeting when I had sat by his bed and he had kissed the eternity ring. He had wanted the best for me. A horrible thought struck me. Had he deliberately taken that dose … to make me free? Oh no, he would not do that. I had never allowed him to think for a moment that I wanted to be free. But did he know?