The Reaping (26 page)

“It’s not your fault she died,” I whisper.

He snorts. “Just like it’s not your fault.” He leans in. “But do you really believe that?”

I look at my own hands. “No. No, I don’t.”

He clamps down on my hands with one of his. “I need to go back with you.”

I’m surprised at how strong his grip is. The way he’s looked so withered down here, I expected something feebler from him. His eyes water as he looks at me. He’s scaring me even more than when I saw him on the field.

“Why?”

His eyes are trained on mine, and the blue is icy in the fluorescent light. He doesn’t answer me, and he doesn’t need to. The hunger is looking back at me—the unnamed hunger I caught a glimpse of when I first talked to him on the field. Only the hunger has a name now. Revenge.

“I don’t know, Dave.” I pull back against his grip. “Can you let my hands go? You’re hurting me.”

He recoils and stares at his hand like it disgusts him. “I thought you would understand. After being in the camp and seeing what those people do, I thought you’d understand.”

“I do understand why you want to go up there.”

“There’s nothing for me down here. Just meaningless jobs and the same people day in and day out who will never really know what it’s like.”

I shake my head. “Don’t lie to me. Not now. Those are the same reasons I used when I left. That’s not why you’re leaving.” I can see the blood in his eyes right now. The way he hungers for the blood of the agents and soldiers.

There’s desperation in his voice. “I’m not lying, Terra, I—”

I hold my hand up. “I never said you couldn’t come with us. Just that I know why you want to go, and I think it’s a stupid reason.”

He sits back against the wall like I’ve punched him. His voice is small. “You said you feel it too—the guilt. Every day.”

“But that doesn’t mean I’m going to the Burn to blow up every government official I come across. That’s stupid.”

“But you’ll let me come?”

I let a breath out. “Yes. Jack’s not going to like it. Don’t think you’re not as transparent to him as you are to me.”

“He doesn’t have to like it.”

“You have to promise me something, though.”

Dave looks up, and his eyes have finally overflowed. There’s a trail of tears down his cheeks.

“You’re not going to do anything reckless that puts Jack in danger.”

Dave shakes his head.

“Promise me.”

“I won’t do anything to get you two in trouble. This is something I’ll do by myself.”

“What we’re going up there to do is serious. We need to destroy the serum and give the people a chance to fight back. If you mess that up, I don’t know what will happen to everyone up there.” I lean my head back against the wall and watch one of the lights flicker in its fixture. I’m surprised there’s not a maintenance crew tightening the blub right now. “Do you really think it will help?”

“What?”

“Hurting someone up there.”

Dave looks startled. “Why wouldn’t it?”

“You’ll never find the soldier that pulled the trigger. Do you really think killing any number of them will help?”

Dave rakes his hands through his hair again. “Anything will make me feel better than I do now.”

“Don’t be so sure.”

“Please just let me have this, Terra.”

“We’re leaving tomorrow.” I stand up and go in my quarters. When I check the monitor an hour later, Dave is still sitting in the hall, his head in his hands.

Chapter Twenty

“You told him he could come?” Jack’s eyebrows are raised and his voice is incredulous.

Yes.

“He’s going to get someone killed.”

I know. That’s the point.

Jack shakes his head. “I don’t know if I can go along with it. Are you sure about this?” He puts another foil pouch of water in his pack.

Yes.

“I still don’t think he should come.”

I sigh and put down the emergency rations. We’re in a large room lined with shelves of emergency supplies. Water, food, first-aid kits, clothes, fuel cells. We’ve been going through the supplies, deciding what to pack. The voice box sits silently next to my pack. When it’s just me and Jack, I feel more like myself to communicate with him the way we always have—gestures, silent words, finger spellings.

He’ll waste away here.

“That’s probably true. But I know how you feel about everything else that’s happened up till now. If anything happens to Dave up there, do you want to add that to your burden?”

It’s my burden either way.

Jack stops my hand from sifting through flavors of energy bars. The foil package crinkles in my fist. I didn’t realize I was squeezing it quite so tightly. I uncurl my fingers, and the bar falls to the floor.

“Dave’s not the only one I worry about.”

I turn my head. I look at the light above us and will myself to keep my throat from tightening.

“Ever since that meeting with the council, you’ve been different. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it, but I can see you’re planning something, Terra. I wish you would tell me. The way you kissed me after Jessa left us by the fields reminded me of something. It reminded me of that night I left for the colony and you kissed me while we were standing in the water.” Jack looks down, and his face is puckered with the painful memory. “There aren’t supposed to be any more secrets between us.”

His words slice through my ribs right to my heart. No more secrets. He’s right; I know he is. But there are some secrets that hurt more, aren’t there? I close my eyes, and a traitor tear slips out. Jack’s hand is still on my own, and his breath catches.

“Terra, what’s wrong?”

I can’t pull away from him. I feel like if he lets me go, I’ll be blown away like a leaf in a storm and end up somewhere far, far away. I put my other hand to my face and lean against his chest. His arms wrap around me. I write the words on his sleeve.

I’m still going to stop the serum.

His face rests on my hair, and I feel his cheek turn up in a smile. “I know.”

Don’t know if I can come back from that.

“Because you don’t want to or because they won’t let you?”

Leave it to Jack to cut right to the heart of the matter.

Does it matter?

He pulls away and his eyes bore into mine. “It does to me.”

The tears fall earnestly now, and once they’ve started, I find I don’t want to stop them.
Sometimes I feel like giving myself up is the only way to make up for everything.

“Like Mary’s death?”

I nod.
And Dave. And everyone who’s been punished because of me.

“They made their choices, Terra, just like you made yours. Everyone needs to live with the consequences.”

But no one should pay with their life.

“Tell that to the government. That wasn’t you, Terra. It was them.”

Some part of me knows he’s right, but there’s another part of me that feels like he’s splitting hairs. Why do blame and guilt have to go along with every hard decision I’ve had to make?

“Just promise me something, Terra. You’ll try your hardest to come back to me.” He leans close so he’s whispering in my ear, and his breath is hot. “I need you to come back to me. Do you hear me?”

I nod, and the tears fall even faster. He’s one more person I’ll feel guilty about if I don’t come back. Can you even feel guilt after you die? I pull away and look at him—at the way his jaw flexes when he’s being stubborn, at the flash of light in his eyes, at the freckles on his cheeks and nose, at the way his hair never wants to lay tamely. No, he’s right. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to leave these arms around me, and his voice in my ear, and his kiss still warm on my cheek. I’m so torn between staying with what I love and doing what is right.

“I’m going to tell you again. I’m coming with you.”

I laugh.
I never doubted.

He smiles and puts a package of bandages in his pack. “Not since I first caught a glimpse of you. You looked like a drowned rat, by the way.”

Thanks.

“Well, you did. Sleeping outside all night in the rain and all.”

Once again, thanks.

He smiles. “My pleasure.”

Our sub is scheduled to leave tomorrow morning at 0600. After our packs are ready, we slowly make our way down the corridors to our quarters. Kai, Madge, and Jane wanted to see us one last time, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s just like the first time I left the colony: the fewer the good-byes, the better. Jack and Jessa go to the Juice Deck with them, though, and now I’m sitting on the couch by myself.

The clang of pots and the whoosh of water into the sink comes from the kitchen. Gram is busy cleaning up. She wouldn’t hear of me doing something as mundane as the dishes on my last night in the colony, and now all I can do is sit and stare at my hands. Finally the water shuts off, and Gram pokes her head out the door. She takes one look at me, throws her dishtowel down and starts rummaging through a box in a niche on the wall.

“It’s in here somewhere,” she murmurs.

I start to stand up—please give me something, anything to do—but Gram waves me down.

“I’ll find it in a minute. You just wait right there. Aha!” She pulls a photo from the box, replaces all the other contents in a neat stack, and then sits down next to me.

It’s a picture of me and Jessa with Gaea. No, that’s not quite right. It’s a picture of me and Jessa with our mother, the way she used to be. Her curly hair descends in shiny ringlets, and her green eyes are bright. Jessa and I are a few months old, and our gummy grins light up the whole picture. Her arms surround us and she holds us tightly to her, like there’s nothing in the world more important. The picture breaks my heart.

“She loves you so much, you know. Leaving just about killed her.”

I look up then, and my eyes sharpen.

Gram sighs and removes her glasses. “Yes, your mother and I remained in contact after she was gone. And no, your father never knew. The poor thing was desperate for news about you and your sister.” Gram stops for a long moment.

I put a hand on her arm. There are so many questions I have for her. Why did it all happen—everything—is at the top of the list.

“She doesn’t know how to be a mother now. In so many ways, her heart has broken and as it broke, everything else did too.” Her eyes are wet when she looks up at me. “She also told me that you wanted to leave the colony. I knew you were leaving that night—the night of the dance.”

She knew and didn’t stop me. Suddenly my heart is full to bursting for her. I wrap my arms around her. Her shoulders shudder.

“I never understood, Terra. But I let you go because I love you. I raised you and your sister and then I had to let you go. I have to let you go now. I’m showing you this picture just so you know that she was the first one to ever let you go, and it’s haunted her entire life. She’s loved you more than you’ll ever know. I don’t agree with everything that’s happened, but despite all that, she loves you. She’s been so lonely for you, and she loves you. I don’t know what you’re going to do once you get back to the Burn, but I hope that knowing how many people down here love you might help you just a little.”

I open her hand and touch the soft skin.
It does. Thank you.

When I fall into bed after Jessa and Jack get back from the Juice Deck, I sleep better than I have in months.

0600 comes way too early.

I’m bleary eyed and stumbling as I make my way to the sub dock. Jack and Jessa walk on either side of me, and Dave lurks behind us. I don’t look at him. His face is too stormy. My pack is slung over my shoulders, and Jack’s fingers are woven with my own. Whenever we go somewhere together, we’re touching. Part of me is afraid I’ll lose him forever if I let go.

As we near the sub, a shadow separates from the wall, and Gaea steps into the corridor. I narrow my eyes to ask what she’s doing here.

“I’m coming with you,” she whispers.

Did you know?
I ask Jessa.

She nods. “She asked me not to tell you. She thought you’d tell her to go back.”

She’s right.
Why do I have to feel responsible for so many people?

“I’m just coming in the sub, Terra. I just want to be with you again.”

Fine.
That word sounds so much harsher than it is. I lower my eyes. Gaea puts out a hand as if she wants to touch me, but doesn’t bridge the last few inches between us.

“Thank you. And I can help you. I have the coordinates for the government island.”

The sub nudges the side of the dock, the rhythmic thumping beating along with my heart. The hatch is open, and the sub techs scurry about making sure the oxygen levels are adjusted and the computer systems are working.