The Read And Weep Bundle: Anonymous, Perfectly Hopeless, Run (18 page)

“I’m telling you I don’t even remember how I got there,” Hart said he rested his hands in his lap in the holding cell. He hated the sight of these places more than anything. Yet he always found himself in them. “And I damn sure wasn’t trying to solicit a prostitute for sex.”

“No, but you did offer her keys to a car that was not yours.” The officer at the desk said. “Very clever of you, buddy.”

“This is ridiculous,” Hart said. He leaned against the concrete.

“I’m sure it won’t be long before your friend is bailing you out.”

Hart gritted his teeth and scowled at the guy as he put his feet up and pretended he had a job to do.

***

Elle sifted through her purse in front of the salon trying to find her keys. She was forever losing everything now that she had so much on her mind.

“Elle?” Jesse said, coming to a stop in front of her. “I thought that was you. How you been?”

She touched her face, warmth spread from her cheeks right down the back of her neck. “I’m alright. How are you, Jesse?”

“Good. I’m good. I just dropped Isabella off for her playdate. And now I am off to get something for Angie’s birthday.”

She found her keys and slung her purse over her shoulder. “Tell them both hello from me. Isabella is such a cute little girl.”

Jesse grinned. “Yeah, well maybe the next time you and Hart come for a cookout you can tell her yourself.”

It was clear he didn’t know the recent set of circumstances. She frowned looking away from his confused stare down. “Hart and I don’t talk anymore. In fact I haven’t heard from him since he told me to go to California.”

“What?” His eyes were wide. “You have got to be shitting me. I am so sorry. That asshole never even told me.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I just saw him a couple of days ago.”

“Well, he took me to meet his mother and that’s when he told me to go to California. He doesn’t think he is good for me.”

Jesse touched her arm. “So sorry, Elle. Hart’s an impulsive guy. He probably wigged out dealing with his family and just panicked. Maybe you should call him.”

She shook her head. “I’m going to California. I tried Jesse, I wanted things between us to work out so bad but they just didn’t. So I am going to give him what he wants.”

Jesse pursed his lip. “That’s not what he wants you and I both know that.”

“You know him better than I do.” She gave a small smile. “I hope things get better for him I really do. But I have to run. You take care, Jesse.”

He watched her walk away. He knew his friend made yet another mistake that he would regret for probably the rest of his life. Jesse knew she was a great girl and perfect for him.

But before he could try to play peacekeeper his phone rang.

“I swear I am right here in the mall about to go back to playgroup,” he lied to Angie. If she knew he had ditched Isabella she would be furious.

“That’s not why I am calling you,” she said. “It’s Hart. He called from downtown. They picked him up again.”

“Oh shit,” Jesse said rubbing the back of his neck.

“Jesse, how many times are we going to bail him out of his shit? When does he learn he is a fuck up and change? Why don’t they just put him in jail?”

Jesse closed his eyes and listened as his wife complained for the hundredth time about Hart. Each time she was angrier than the last. But he would always be there for his best friend. “I’m all he has.”

“You bail him out, you pay for a lawyer and he goes right to rehab. It never works. One day he is going to be dead and then how are you going to feel about yourself?”

He passed the salon, and rolled his eyes. “I’d feel fucking good about myself because I was there for him. It doesn’t matter to me what he does, one day he will get it just like I did. I’m not going to give up on him.”

“Fine. You continue to help a lost cause. I am going to drive to the mall to pick up our daughter so you can go bail him out again.”

He pocketed his phone.

He kept his eyes on the road. He didn’t want to look at him. Friend or no friend he was disappointed in him. Every time he thought Hart got his act together he was doing the opposite.

The engine grumbled and Hart looked at him. “Thanks again, buddy.”

Jesse loosened his grip on the steering wheel. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. But shit, you need to get it together.”

Hart leaned his head back and released a breath of air. “It’s together. I just let shit get in my head. I saw my mom the other day.”

Jesse nodded. “How was that?”

“Like it always is.” He sighed. “I don’t get it man. She seemed fine the times I talked to her on the phone. And I come over and she’s as messed up as when I was a kid.”

“And I get that. But what does that have to do with you?” Jesse looked over at him. “This is where I have to be an asshole. You need to stop using everyone else’s problems as a reason to use again. Your better than that. You know it.”

Hart shook his head. “Your parent’s weren’t messed up so what would you know about it?”

Jesse scoffed. “My parents were a bunch of hard asses who washed their hands of me when I was going through the worst time of my life. I had nobody but you. You’re not the only one with problems. You need to deal with them before I can’t help you anymore.”

Hart didn’t respond.

“Angie is going to divorce me if I keep tapping into our savings to bail you out of jail. And I love you but I love my family too.” Jesse dropped a hand to his thigh. “Speaking of woman, a little birdy told me you dumped the best thing to ever happen to you.”

“I did the right thing.” He crossed his arms. “She wants things out of life that I will end up ruining.”

“She wants someone to love her and be with her.” Jesse interrupted. “You could have done that.”

“Since when are you such an asshole?” He didn’t want to think about her. “When has anything in my life ever not ended in some kind of mess?”

“That was all your choice,” he said, raising his voice. “Don’t try and make this anything other than what it is.”

“What is it?” Hart raised his hands. “I forgot you became all-knowing once you stopped getting high. Enlighten me.”

He gritted his teeth. “You are running away from happiness. You always have.” The truck hit a pothole. “You’re scared to try because you are afraid the world is going to let you down again. That’s life, it sucks sometimes, but when it doesn’t its fucking beautiful.”

Hart shook his head.

“I took a chance with Angie, the lounge, my sobriety and I fucking love it.” He looked at Hart for admittance. “You know how afraid I was to live like normal people. But I did. And I would never go back no matter what happened.”

He still wasn’t responding.

“It doesn’t matter. She’s leaving for California. I saw her at the mall. She said she loves you but she is going to give you what you want.” He pulled into the parking lot of Hart’s apartment. “Let’s hope the judge doesn’t throw you in jail this time.”

Hart opened the door to his car. “Let’s hope that he doesn’t.”

Jesse’s lips pressed into a white line as he stared at his best friend. “You’re just going to let her get away?”

“Yeah. I think it’s for the best. I should have never talked to her that day. None of this would be so hard if I had just ignored the new girl in rehab,” Hart said with a sigh. “I don’t even know why I tried.”

“Because you saw something you wanted. And for once in your life something was pushing you to get it,” Jesse said he cocked his head to the side and shook it. “Living your life with regrets is far worse than trying. If you let her leave you might not ever talk to her again.”

Somehow he managed to escape jail again. And now there he sat staring at Dr. Jon as he explained his latest thoughts about Hart and his recent arrest.

“This is your last chance, Hart.” Dr. Jon crossed his legs and smoothed the fabric of his slacks. “The judge has been more than generous with you.”

“I know.”

“So what do you think it will take for you to get through this place in your life?” He raised an eyebrow studying Hart’s darting gaze.

“A sledgehammer?” He said, smirking. “Maybe that will be enough to knock some sense into me.”

Dr. Jon wasn’t smiling. “There were moments that were good. You stayed away for some time. Why don’t you tell me about them?”

Hart tapped his foot. “Cut the shit, Dr. Jon. I know you’re talking about Elle.”

Dr. Jon nodded. “What happened with that?”

“She’s gone. I told her things would be better if we just went different ways.”

“You think you saved her. But in reality you just pushed her away and probably hurt her in the process.” Dr. Jon scribbled on his little notepad. “You are giving the world the same treatment you were given as a young man. It’s your way of not getting hurt. But you are hurt. Doing this hurts you more than you’re even aware of.”

He forced a smile. “I’m sure your right. But I’m finding not digging to deep inside my fucked up head keeps me from losing my shit. I don’t want to be like her.” He was talking about his mother. “And I never wanted to be like my asshole father either.”

“So you change,” Dr. Jon said. He was pleased he was opening up. “You bust your ass to be everything they are incapable of being. I promise you if you do that things will change.”

“What if I don’t know how to?” He always thought about that. What if living a normal life wasn’t something he was capable of?

“You won’t know if you don’t try.”

Hart lifted his own notebook and put it in the back pocket of his jeans. He started down the hallway where he first saw Elle. Most of the faces were familiar but there were a few new ones. So many people with messed up lives just like his.

He didn’t want to be weak anymore. He didn’t want to lose his home every time he had to go to rehab. He passed his room and decided on the activities area.

He took a seat and lifted a magazine from the table. The television was on. And something about the news caught his attention. He dropped the magazine staring at the screen.

“That’s messed up,” the guy next to him said. “They always say planes are safer than cars. But every time I watch the news there’s another plane crash.”

A plane headed for California. His hands shook. He rubbed at his brow.

“No survivors,” the guy said. He just wished he would shut up. “Ain’t that some shit.”

Hart stood up. He ran into a girl on the way out. He shoved the doors open to the patio and dropped to his knees. “What the fuck did I do?”

He rubbed at his arms pacing back and forth. It couldn’t be true. Yet again he screwed things up. Before he had a chance to pull it together he lost it. He threw one of the patio chairs into the glass door and shattered it.

The lights flashed in the hallway signalling it was time for visitors. Hart headed down the hallway hoping to escape but once he caught sight of Jesse he went in the room.

“Sup,” Jesse said, “How you feeling?”

He dropped his journal on the table. “I guess this is what they call rock bottom.”

Jesse stepped lightly on the whole plane crash. “Did you try calling her family?”

“Do you really think they want to hear from me in a time like this?” He ran a hand through his mess of hair. “I’m the one who told her to go.”

“She wanted to go. You can’t blame yourself for this.” He looked around the room at all the families. “You need to focus on getting better. Not beating yourself up.”

“I was actually contemplating calling her and telling her that I was sorry, that I wanted to try and work on things. Maybe even move out to California,” he said with a sigh. “But life had other plans.”

Jesse moved back in his chair. “They say everything happens for a reason. I think you should call her parents. You don’t when she left for California. It might have been a different flight, or a different day.”

Hart stood up, the way his life worked she was on that plane he didn’t have to confirm it to know that it was just another sign. “Nice seeing you. Tell Angie and Isabella hello from me.” He walked away before he lost it all over again, and climbed into bed.

He didn’t understand what he did to deserve this luck. He never thought he was the kind of person who felt bad for himself. But shit, if his life got any worse he didn’t know where he would be or what he would do.

He forced himself out of bed in the morning and numbly ate a bowl of cereal and an orange. He showered and ignored his image in the mirror. He needed a haircut badly. But he was in rehab what did it matter what he looked like? So he constantly ran a hand through his hair pinning it back on his head so the world could see the blue eyes that house a man full of trouble.

“What about you, Hart?” Dr. Jon asked. “How are you feeling today?”

Hart picked at the string on his frayed blue jeans. “I’m pretty confident I have never felt worse than I do right now.”

A girl, one that he never seen before sat forward. “I think it always gets worse.”

“What could be worse than realizing you love someone?” He looked at her. “Realizing you’re in love with someone and you throw it all away. And when you want it back it’s too late?”

Dr. Jon stayed quiet and let Hart hash it out with the new patient.

“They say it’s never too late,” she said back. “My parents say that shit all the time.”

“Your parents don’t know shit.” He crossed his arms. “Some things are too late. Now excuse me. I want to catch some shut eye.”

Dr. Jon cleared his throat. “Visiting hours, Hart.”

“I don’t want to visit with anyone. That’s one of the rules of this facility Dr. Jon it’s my choice.” He rounded the corner almost taking down the guy as he mopped the floor.

He rifled through his drawer. He found his journal and plopped down on his bed to write. He didn’t have a roommate yet. And for once he felt like he could really vent without any prying eyes. He only wrote in rehab.

The lights changed color in the hallway, he saw them out of the corner of his eye. And the hall filled with patients as they made their way to the common area to meet up with their loved ones. To make themselves feel better. To get kind words of encouragement or whatever they did. He wasn’t sure because since his first trip to rehab there were only a handful of times he allowed anyone to see him.

His mother showed up once, she spouted all sort of religious junk in his ear and told him by the grace of god he could fix himself. That she didn’t want to see him this way. And then he told her the reasons he believed he was that way and she literally slapped him across the face and hightailed it out of there.

Of course she called later and apologized, he always let her because he was too tired to care anymore that she had failed him.

As strong as the world seemed to think he was he wasn’t. He forever tried to find that place in life. He wanted to fit in. He wanted to feel like he was a part of a family. He wanted to know what it felt like to be happy.

His happiness was short lived as a kid. His mother’s mental health went down the drain quick. His dad was addicted by the time he was four and if he wasn’t beating on his mother he was beating them.

He always took care of her. He never felt appreciated or cared for and then everything fell apart. His family—well what was his family—was ripped away from him and he was left by himself.

Then he found drugs. Drugs equalled friends, friends equalled love even if it was a really fucked up version. Drugs formed him a bond. They also took him away from the world he hated. Being sober forced him to deal with reality. And his reality sucked, it always had.

And then he saw Elle, and he felt something. He didn’t know at the time it was attraction to something other than her looks. He was attracted to her, all of her, her story, her mind, and her sadness. He wanted to connect to her and after months of trying he managed to form a relationship with her—a bond. She trusted him and he made her a little bit less miserable. It was almost as good as if he did it for himself.

He didn’t know how to explain it, he knew there was something there. He felt it, he finally felt something. They had this banter, this back and forth. They could look at each other and smile and he could see the whole world just by looking into her eyes.

He hated to love her but there was nothing he could do about it. And the moments he let go and he loved her it was incredible but it also scared the life out of him. He always waited for her to disappoint him. For something to happen, maybe she would figure out what kind of person he really was and just leaves. Maybe someone else would come along and shows her there are better men out there. He didn’t know what it would take but he was sure it would happen. So he ran. He pushed her away out of fear. And she didn’t want to go. She tried to hold onto him but he pushed her. And now she was gone.

And now after he realized that he did the stupidest thing in his life pushing her away he was left with nothing. She was his drive, she was the thing that he wanted to get better for, because she made him feel like a better person.

He dropped his pen and leaned back against his pillows. He sighed.

Dr. Jon tapped on the door. “Hart.”

“Dr. Jon?”

“I believe holing up in your room is counterproductive.”

“It’s in the paperwork.” He pointed out again.

“Not this time.” Dr. Jon stood waiting for him to do the same. He wasn’t going to leave until he got him out of his room. “This time I am going to force you to do the right thing.”

He stood up, and shoved his shoes on his feet and followed behind Dr. Jon.

“I don’t see the point in visitors,” he told him. “It’s a waste.”

Dr. Jon grinned. “To some. But some of us like seeing a familiar face every now and again.”

He moved around the chairs finding his usual spot and took a seat. He took the journal out of his back pocket and used another chair for a foot rest. And he was ready to write.

“I still don’t know what the hell you write in there,” she said.

He looked up.

“Do you think maybe one day you will tell me?” Elle asked. A big smile on her face. “Is it poetry?”

He blinked and shook his head. “I thought you were dead.”

“I know.” She raked a hand through her hair. “I would have been if I took your advice and got on that plane.”

She smiled at him and he just sat and took her in, her smile, her penetrating eyes, and her mouth that he always wanted to kiss.

“How many times are you going to mess up, Hart?” she asked crossing her arms. “Jesse told me to be an asshole. He said it’s the only way to get through to you.”

He grinned. “I can’t believe I am looking at you right now.”

“Well, if you would have called you might have found out I never got on the plane.” She accepted his hand. “There is something I have to tell you.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Be easy on me I’m in rehab.”

“I don’t know how easy this will be.”

He raised a hand stopping her. “There is something I have to tell you first.”

“Okay, go for it.” She sat back. “I’m all ears.”

“I want to be with you. I want to give this a try. There’s nothing I could want more than you. And I need you to believe me this time.” He squeezed her hand, stroking her knuckles.

“That’s really good to hear.” She touched his face. “Because I’m having your baby.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You’re having my baby?” He ran a hand through his hair his eyes wide. “You’re pregnant?”

She laughed. “I’m pregnant. I’m having a baby. We’re having a baby.”

“That’s not something I expected to hear but hey I’ll take it.” He got up and rounded the table. He dropped down wrapping his arms around her. “This is a good thing. A really good thing.”

She held onto him. “I was hoping you would feel that way. I was kind of afraid to tell you. Actually I wasn’t going to tell you at all. I was just going to move to California. But something told me to tell you. I just believed somewhere deep down that you cared about me the same way I care about you.”

“There is nothing you could ever say or do to make me feel differently about you.” He stroked her hair. “This just makes me love you more.”

He kissed her. “Jesse is going to lose it when he hears this. He’s always wanted a playmate for Bella.”

“Does that mean you’re accepting visitors?” She playfully shoved him.

“If I have to be here for ninety days without you absolutely,” he said. “Maybe I’ll read to you from my journal.”

“Oh really?”

“No, but whatever keeps you coming back,” he said with a grin.

“You’re all the reason I need,” she said with a smile.