The Ranch (36 page)

“You know,” he said pleasantly, “you know a lot more about all this than I do. I read you in order to help my patients. You've made a real difference to the people I work with. The funny thing is I've always wanted to write you.”

“Well, now you won't have to,” she said kindly, but she still looked awful. He had offered her an IV of fluids, but she didn't want to upset Mary Stuart and Tanya, and she thought she could accomplish the same thing by drinking.

“If you can't keep it down though, I'm coming back to give you an IV.”

“All right, Doctor.” He had also suggested that the altitude might have aggravated her situation. She thought that was hopeful. Each time she got sick, she was terrified it would mean a marked degeneration, but so far, she'd been lucky, and she always got better quickly.

Tanya and Mary Stuart were waiting just outside her door when the doctor emerged, and they were deeply concerned by the long visit.

“How is she?”

“She'll be all right,” he said calmly. She had warned him that her friends knew nothing of her problem, and she did not intend to tell them. He disagreed with her, but it was her decision obviously, she was the patient, as well as the expert.

“What took so long?” Tanya had been genuinely panicked. It was nine-thirty when he came out. Hartley had come by an hour before, and Mary Stuart had told him they weren't riding that morning. Tanya asked him to tell Gordon. Hartley said he'd ride out with him alone, and if Zoe was better by that afternoon, Mary Stuart and Tanya could join him.

“I'm afraid that was my fault,” the young doctor said apologetically, explaining his long visit with Zoe. “I'm a big fan of Dr. Phillips's. I've read every article she's ever written.” It was refreshing to have someone be a fan of someone else for a change, and Tanya smiled at him in amusement. “I'm afraid I was picking her brain and telling her about some of my patients.” He was really the only practitioner well versed in AIDS in the area, and he had had a million questions.

“I wish you'd come out and told us she was all right,” Tanya said snappily, “we were really worried.”

“I'm sorry,” he said kindly, and then told them he'd be back tomorrow. “Make her stay in bed and drink lots of fluids,” he reiterated as he left, but Tanya found when they went in that they didn't need to argue with her. She was already working on a large bottle of mineral water, but she still looked awful.

“How goes it?” Mary Stuart asked her, and she shrugged.

“Not great. He says I'll feel better tomorrow. I've picked up some awful bug here.”

“I'm sorry.” Tanya felt responsible, and Mary Stuart was instantly maternal, tucking her in, bringing her dry crackers, and a can of ginger ale in case that appealed to her more than water, and a banana to replace the potassium she'd lost with the diarrhea.

“You guys are so wonderful to me,” Zoe said with tears in her eyes. She was feeling emotional and she wanted to see her baby, “I really have to get back,” she said, and burst into tears, and she was furious with herself when she did. She hadn't meant to. “He thinks I should stay here another week,” she said as though it were a death sentence instead of an extended vacation. But she was also coping with everything else he'd said to her about her condition, and they'd had a serious discussion about AZT and her T cells. And somehow, discussing it with him brought the situation home to her again with a vengeance. Unfortunately Zoe knew more about all of it than he did. And she knew what the prognosis was too. She dealt with it daily, and as her two friends looked at her in dismay, she found that she couldn't stop crying. But their being nice to her had made the whole realization harder than ever. She was still adjusting to the realities of her future.

“Zoe, is there anything else bothering you?” Mary Stuart sat down on her bed, looking worried. It wasn't like Zoe to be so high-strung, and it scared her.

“I'm all right,” she said, blowing her nose again, and taking a sip of water. But it was all so hard. She was going to die eventually, and she had nowhere to leave her daughter. She had thought of both of them in the past few days, but Tanya had never had kids, and Mary Stuart seemed to feel she was past them. They were all still young enough to have another child naturally, so it wasn't entirely out of the question, but she was afraid to ask them. And it meant telling them that she had AIDS, and despite what the doctor had just said about opening up to her friends and reaching out to them for support, she really didn't want to. But what he had told her was exactly the kind of thing she said to her patients. “I've just been working too hard,” she explained.

“Well, then,” Tanya said, trying to sound calmer than she felt. She was deeply concerned about Zoe. “Maybe this is an important lesson. Maybe when you go back you need to slow down a little bit, even take in a partner.” Zoe had thought of it too, and the only one she'd have been interested in was Sam, but she didn't think he'd want to. He had never had any interest before in sharing a practice, only in doing locum tenens.

“Don't lecture me,” she said irritably to Tanya, and surprised both of them. “You work even harder than I do.”

“No, I don't. And singing isn't nearly as stressful as taking care of dying patients.” But as she said it, Zoe started to cry again, and she felt completely foolish. She was utterly miserable and sorry she had ever come to Wyoming. She didn't want them to see her this way, it was really upsetting. “Come on, Zoe, please,” Tanya begged her. “You just feel rotten, so everything seems worse. Why don't you just stay in bed and sleep today. I'll stick around if you want, and by tonight I'll bct you'll feel better.”

“No, I won't,” she said stubbornly, suddenly angry at her fate, and what it meant for her future.

“I'll stay home,” Mary Stuart said firmly. They were fighting to take care of her, and Zoe smiled through her tears as she listened.

“I want you both to go out and play. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'll be okay… honest.” She was starting to calm down, and Tanya looked relieved, as they watched her. “Besides, you both have boyfriends.” She teased them and blew her nose again. In crazy ways, their lives were so much more normal, and hers wasn't.

“I wouldn't go that far,” Mary Stuart objected with a grin. “I'm sure Hartley would be thrilled to be called my ‘boyfriend.’ “

“And Gordon would go nuts if he thought anyone knew he said more than two words to me,” Tanya added.

“You guys talked for hours outside last night,” Zoe said, looking pleased but tired and leaning her head against the pillow. “Just be careful,” she warned her again, and Mary Stuart nodded. They both knew that Tanya was sensible usually, but sometimes she led with her heart, instead of her radar.

“Why don't you get some sleep,” Mary Stuart said gently and Zoe nodded, but in a funny way she didn't want them to leave her. She just wanted to be there with them, and stay close to them. It was almost as though they had become her parents.

“I have to call Sam,” she said sleepily. “I'm not even sure he can stay another week for me. If he can't, I'll have to go home no matter what and at least see some of my patients.”

“That would be really stupid,” Tanya told her. “In fact,” she looked at Mary Stuart pointedly, “we won't let you. We're holding you hostage.” Zoe laughed at them, and then tears filled her eyes again and Mary Stuart leaned over and kissed her.

Zoe was still completely overwrought, and as Mary Stuart looked at her eyes, it was as though there were someone frightened and sad trapped inside her. And somehow, she had to try one more time. She didn't want to intrude, but she wanted to help her, As she leaned over her, she asked her one last question. “Are you leveling with us? Is there anything you want to tell us?” She didn't know what made her ask, but she just sensed that Zoe was sitting on the edge and wanted to tell them something, but was afraid to. She didn't answer at first, and Tanya had been standing in the doorway and she turned and watched them, and then added her voice to Mary Stuart's.

“Zoe, is there?” They both sensed that she was keeping something from them, and they weren't sure what, but they knew it was important. “Is something wrong with you?” All of a sudden she had the overwhelming feeling that Zoe had cancer, but as she looked at them her eyes filled with tears again, and her voice was very small when she answered.

“I have AIDS, guys.” There was a deafening silence in the room, and without saying a word, Mary Stuart leaned forward and hugged her. By then, she was crying too. At least cancer might have been cured, but AIDS couldn't.

“Oh, my God,” Tanya said and walked back into the room, and sat down on the bed next to Zoe. “Oh, my God… why didn't you tell us?”

“I just found out recently. I didn't want to tell anyone. How can I take care of my patients if they think I'm sick? I have to be strong for them, and for so many people. But I've been thinking about it so much, about what it means to my life, my career… my baby. I don't even know what to do with her when I die, or if I get really sick.” She looked from one to the other then, in terror. “Will you take her?” They were the best friends she had, and she would have loved to know that Jade was with them.

“I will.” Tanya spoke up instantly, without hesitation.

“I'd love to have your baby.”

“And if for some reason, Tanya can't, I will.” Mary Stuart said it strongly and firmly, but Zoe was still worried, though grateful.

“What if you're with Bill, and he doesn't want her?”

“I'm going to leave him anyway,” she said in a clear, sure voice, and Zoe believed her. “And if for some reason I didn't, I would then for sure, if he wouldn't let me take her.” And she meant it.

“And I don't have anybody telling me what to do,” Tanya said with a warm smile, holding her friend's hand. It was small and frail and icy. “But you have to take care of yourself. You could live for a long time. You owe her that, and us, and your patients. What about this doctor covering for you? Have you told him? You're going to need his help so you don't overdo it.” It was exactly what Dr. Kroner had told her that morning. But she didn't want to tell Sam either. It was enough that Tanya and Mary Stuart knew. Now they would nag her, and worry about her, and tell her what not to do. But on the other hand they would also support her and love her. It was the same dilemma she saw with all her patients. On balance, with Tanya and Mary Stuart, she was actually glad she had told them. Now she knew that Jade could go to Tanya, and she could draw up the papers. Hopefully, it wouldn't happen for a long time, but you never knew.

“I really don't want to tell him,” Zoe said, referring to Sam. “Word would spread like wildfire, and I just don't want that. It diminishes my impact on my patients.”

“On the contrary,” Mary Stuart said seriously, “I think it increases it. They'll know then that you really know whereof you're speaking.” And then she wondered something, though she was almost embarrassed to ask her. “How did you get it, by the way?”

“A needle stick from a little girl with AIDS. She squirmed and so did I, it was just bad luck really. I wondered at the time, but I decided to be philosophical about it. I almost forgot, and then I started getting sick. I denied it for a while, and then I finally got tested. I just found out before I called you,” she said to Tanya, and Tanya sat on her bed, holding her other hand and crying.

“I just can't believe this,” Tanya said, feeling badly shaken.

“I'll be okay. I'll feel better when my gut settles down again,” Zoe said, looking a little stronger. They were so supportive of her that she felt terrible to have upset them. They looked worse than she did.

“I want both of you to go out and play. I don't want you sitting here all day,” she said firmly. It was nearly lunchtime.

“We will if you promise to get some rest,” Tanya said, and Zoe nodded.

“I'm going to sleep all day, and by tonight, hopefully, Hi feel human.”

“You have to be okay by tomorrow night,” Mary Stuart said practically, “so we can all learn the two-step-Let's get priorities straight here.” They all smiled through their tears, and the three of them held hands for a long moment. And Zoe thanked her lucky stars that she had come to Wyoming. Being with them had been the most important thing that had happened to her in ages, and it had settled her daughter's future-She had made her peace with Mary Stuart, and she was even coming to terms with the fact that she had AIDS. She hated the thought of it, but she knew somehow that if she did the right things, perhaps she could prolong her life and improve the quality of it. It was the best she could do now. And then the three of them made a pact and Zoe made the others promise her not to tell anyone that she had AIDS. If anyone wanted to know, she wanted them to say she had an ulcer, or even stomach cancer. They could say anything except that she had the AIDS virus, and was dying-She didn't want to deal with their terror or their pity. And her friends agreed to support her in her deception.

She sent them out finally, and when Mary Stuart and Tanya walked out, they both started crying, but they didn't say anything until they were out of earshot.

“Oh, God, what an awful day,” Mary Stuart finally said when they were halfway to the stables. They didn't even know where they were going, they were just walking and crying, with their arms around each other. “I can't believe it.”

“You know, it's funny. I kept thinking she was very pale. She always had that translucent kind of skin that goes with her red hair, but she's been paler than ever since she got here,” Tanya said, thinking back over it, “and she gets tired very easily.”

“Well, this explains it.” Mary Stuart looked devastated, and was grateful that they had made peace now. “Thank God she told us. What a terrible burden to take on alone. I hope we can do something to help her.”

“She needs to tell the guy who's covering for her, Sam. He really has to help her, or she has to find someone else who will,” Tanya said practically, thinking of the future.

“I guess that explains why she won't date,” Mary Stuart added.

“I don't see why she can't, if she's careful,” Tanya said thoughtfully. “I'm sure other people do. She can't completely isolate herself, it's not healthy. Oh, God, I can't believe this,” Tanya muttered, and they both blew their noses in unison, just as Hartley and Gordon walked toward them, leading their horses. They almost walked right into them, and both men saw immediately that they'd been crying, and wondered what had happened.