The Pursuit of Mary Bennet (18 page)

For my part, although I would not admit it to anybody but myself, I felt a deep attraction to him. In fact, I loved him. His apology made it a certainty.
I was in love with him.
If that made me vulnerable, it would also make me happier, if only for a short while. If he could never love me in return, I would suffer for it, I knew. But I could no longer deny what my heart was telling me.

Tomorrow, I would inform Charles and the rest of the family of my decision to visit High Tor.

Chapter 20

I
was the first one in the breakfast room the next morning. Papa and Kitty joined me soon afterward. As was their custom, Mama and Lydia were still abed. Kitty and I nibbled at toast and sipped tea, while our father drank coffee and studied his newspaper. Since I didn’t have long before Felicity awoke, I said, “I’ve decided to go back to High Tor with Charles.”

Papa lowered his paper and peered at me over his spectacles. A slow grin broke over his face. “Well, well, Mary. I am delighted to hear it.”

Kitty squealed. “Oh, that is wonderful news! Jane, among others, will be so pleased.” Her voice was smug, and she cast me a look. I knew that look.

“Please do not read into this more than I intend. You are correct in thinking I need a respite from my duties. And I do miss Jane. Perhaps I shall see Lizzy, too. That is all.” I felt my face color and wondered why I was bothering to deny my true motivation.

“Yes, of course!” Kitty said, laughing. “A respite from your duties.”

“What are you talking about?” said Lydia, who stepped into the room carrying Fee. “Take her, Mary, so I can eat.”

I took the little wiggly bundle and kissed the top of her head. “You fed her already?”

“Yes, I got her up and fed her. And changed her, too. I am her mother, you know.”

I ignored the sarcasm but now understood why I hadn’t heard Fee crying.

Lydia piled her plate with two rolls, ham, and eggs. “I wish we had chocolate,” she said. “What were you talking about when I came in?” She looked suspicious.

“Mary has decided to accept Charles’s invitation to visit High Tor,” Kitty said in a somewhat subdued tone.

“What? And leave me here to look after Felicity by myself? Papa, you cannot allow it!” She banged her plate down and threw herself onto a chair.

“It is not for me, or you, to allow or disallow it. Mary is a grown woman and is perfectly able to make her own decisions. I for one am happy to see her decide to please herself for once.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, smiling at my father.

“This is outrageous! I am the one who has had no diversion for months, even before coming to Longbourn.” She bit into a roll but continued her tirade anyway. “Mary’s company doesn’t entertain—”

“You much mistake the matter if you think my purpose has ever been to entertain you. My only aim has been to attend to Felicity’s needs. To love her and take care of her. For your amusement I care nothing at all.” Now that only family was present, I thought it was a fine opportunity to tell Lydia exactly how I felt. I’d finally lost patience with keeping my tongue. A wide-eyed Kitty stared at me, and my father looked on as though highly diverted.

“Well,” Lydia said, “this will not do. I shall speak to Mama. She will take my part, you know she will.” She paused to chew a bite of ham. “Why can’t I go to High Tor? I could have some fun there, especially with that handsome Mr. Walsh a regular visitor.”

Kitty nudged my ankle with her foot, and I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. At the same time, the thought of Lydia attempting a flirtation with Henry made me cringe.

“Might I remind you, Lydia, that you are a married woman?” asked Papa, no longer amused.

“There’s no harm in a little innocent flirting,” she said.

Papa leaped up from the table, as angry as I’d ever seen him. He threw the paper aside and slammed his glass of ale down so hard the contents splashed onto the tablecloth. “You dare to make such a statement when we can all see what kind of harm a ‘little flirtation’ has caused you? Indeed, Lydia, your first indiscretion—a polite way of putting it—with Wickham was bad enough. It was a miracle Jane and Lizzy found men who loved them enough to overlook the family scandal.” He paused to draw in a breath. His face had grown quite red, and I feared his heart might give out.

“Papa, please do calm yourself. You don’t look well,” I said.

“No, Mary, I wish to have my say. It’s been too long in coming.” He dropped onto the chair but immediately took up where he’d left off. “You’ve disgraced our family a second time.”

Lydia interrupted. “I have not, for nobody knows about what happened.”

“How long do you think we can keep it a secret?” Papa asked, his voice rising in volume. “How much longer can we all pretend Wickham is still in the army and you are staying with us temporarily? And hide the fact that your husband is denying his fatherhood? Word will get out, Lydia, and the gossips will have their day with this latest imbroglio. Your shocking behavior reflects on your sisters and their families, as well.”

Frightened by my father’s shouting, Felicity began wailing. I stood and walked her about the room, rubbing my cheek against her sweet, soft scalp.

“I declare, Papa, you are being exceedingly mean to me. I daresay it is because your digestion is bothering you again. And Kitty didn’t have any trouble getting a husband, despite my behavior. Mary is the only one left, and she’ll never get a husband anyway.”

“Sensible girl that she is, she’d never settle for the kind of husband you got.” He rose once again and this time left the room, just as Mama entered. “Mr. Bennet, where are you going?” she asked. “Mr. Bennet?”

“He is upset, ma’am,” Kitty said.

Lydia wasted no time. “Mama, Mary says she is going to High Tor, and Papa will not forbid it. You won’t permit her to go, will you?”

The footman had brought in a fresh pot of tea, and Mama poured herself some, taking her time before she answered. Lydia was deluding herself if she thought our mother would overrule Papa. She always bowed to his will, at least regarding anything about which he cared enough to express an opinion. “We shall manage without her.”

“No!” Lydia said. “It’s not fair that she should go and not me.”

“You are a wife and mother, Lydia. You have responsibilities. Now I wish to break my fast in peace, and I have nothing more to say on the matter.”

Lydia, after wresting Fee from my arms, ran from the room. “Take care!” I called.

Lydia kept to herself the rest of the day, remaining in her room for most of it. I assumed my usual duties with Felicity but kept out of my sister’s way as much as was possible.

T
hat evening, I told Charles of my decision.

“Well done, Mary!” he said. “After assuring Jane I would be able to lure you away, I’d have hated your proving me misguided in that belief.”

“Lydia is none too happy about it,” I said.

“She will adjust, although it may take time.”

“I believe she is more vexed about being left out than she is about taking care of the baby. She’s a fun-loving creature, and part of me pities her.” I nearly retracted that statement when my eyes fixed on her across the room, shamelessly flirting with Henry Walsh. While I was watching, the nature of her talk with him changed. She began gesturing toward me, and I realized I was now the object of her conversation. God only knew what awful things she was saying about me.

“I neglected to tell you, Darcy and Elizabeth will be there, too.”

I forced my attention back to Charles. “Oh, that is good news. I shall be very happy to see them. Are the children coming?”

“I believe so. Ah, here’s Henry.”

So he’d made his escape from my sister.

“You’ll never believe it, Walsh! Mary has agreed to a visit.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” he said. “But I already knew. Mrs. Wickham told me.”

Wincing, I looked at Charles. “When do we leave?”

“Within the week. The work here is nearly done, and we’re eager to go home. Except Carstairs, of course,” he said, chuckling.

“He will chafe at being separated from your sister,” Mr. Walsh said, “but it won’t be long before they are wed.”

The wedding had been fixed for two months from now. “I’m sure it seems an eternity to them,” I said, laughing.

C
harles’s traveling chaise was quite comfortable, well sprung and fitted up with padded squabs. It was very warm, however, and I wished I could be outdoors riding with the men. An odd wish, since I didn’t ride at all. I whiled away the hours by finishing
Clarissa,
at last. As I set it aside, I hoped I would have the opportunity to talk with Mr. Walsh about Clarissa’s sad end and Lovelace’s just deserts. Then I set to rereading
Paradise Lost.
I could never get enough of Milton’s majestic poetry and the sheer bravado of Satan, who, now that I thought about it, had a few things in common with the villainous Mr. Lovelace.

Every so often I paused in my reading and reflected on my departure from Longbourn. My feelings confounded me, to say the least. While I looked forward to seeing Jane and Lizzy, and felt a bit short of breath when I thought about spending time with Henry Walsh, leaving Felicity had been most unsettling for me.

Just before we left, I’d carried her outside, and we wound our way through the shrubbery walk. Having left infancy behind, Fee was growing into babyhood. Who knew what she would look like before I saw her again? But it wouldn’t be that long; a few weeks, a month at most, and I would be back with her. Assuredly I would, yet I could not account for the uneasiness weighing on me.

I held her close, breathing in her baby smells, and talked to her as we walked, not wanting her to forget the sound of my voice or the feel of my body. “I will miss you, my little poppet. You must be the
best
girl while I am away. Your mama and grandmama and aunt will take good care of you.” I held her so tightly she began to whimper, and I turned back, knowing the others were waiting for me.

Before handing her to Lydia, I kissed each of her plump cheeks. “Good-bye, little Fee. Don’t forget me.” To my great embarrassment, tears moistened my cheeks. I turned away hastily and accepted Mr. Walsh’s hand up into the chaise. I could hear Lydia muttering.

“ ‘Little Fee,’ ” she said. “Whoever heard of such a ridiculous name? And I don’t know why you are decamping if you are so vastly grieved about it.”

I’d ignored her and waved to my parents and Kitty, trying to smile through my tears.

This would not do. Every time I thought of Fee, tears threatened again. Swollen, reddened eyes would never recommend me to . . . a certain gentleman.

After we stopped at a coaching inn to change horses and eat a light meal, Mr. Walsh, instead of mounting his horse, climbed into the chaise with me. Was it proper for the two of us to be alone together?
Don’t be ridiculous, Mary. He’s not
wicked
Lovelace, for heaven’s sake.

“May I ride with you for a while?” he asked.

I looked down but managed to stammer out my assent. “What about your horse?”

“One of the grooms will ride him. How are you bearing up?”

“Because of leaving Fee?” I gave him an embarrassed grin. “I confess to shedding a few tears every time I think of her.”

“It’s to be expected,” he said. “Only natural. And I wanted to tell you, I think ‘little Fee’ is a perfect endearment for your niece.”

“You heard what Lydia said, then? I think she meant only for me to hear, but no matter. It’s of small consequence to me what she thinks about it. It’s just for me and Fee.”

He chuckled. “Your missing her—it won’t spoil your visit, I hope.”

“No. I confess I feel as if I’m embarking on a holiday. While I admit to a certain reluctance to leave Felicity, I don’t think it will spoil anything.”

“Excellent.” Pausing, Henry appeared to be gathering his thoughts. “Miss Bennet, I would very much like to introduce you to Amelia during your stay at High Tor, if you will allow me to do so.”

I brightened. “I would be delighted to meet your daughter. I’ve been wondering—that is, I’m curious as to whether or not Charles and Jane know of her.”

“I told Charles some time ago, and I’m quite sure he told your sister. Who by now has probably told both Kitty and Mrs. Darcy,” he said, smiling. “I don’t believe there is much you sisters do not tell each other.”

I laughed. “It depends on which sisters. May I ask Charles’s reaction to the news?”

“What you might expect from such a sanguine man. I believe he is—and your sister, too—incapable of judging anyone harshly.”

“You are correct on that head. They have a tendency to be rather too forgiving at times.” I colored fiercely. “I did not mean in your case,” I said hastily. “And please believe I love them both very much.”

“I know you do. I would never question that. Because we love someone, it does not blind us to their faults.”

Was he thinking of his own faults again? Or possibly mine? I racked my brain for something to say. “Will Amelia wish to meet me?”

Henry sat back and eyed me thoughtfully. He didn’t say anything for the longest time. I smoothed my skirts. I studied my hands and watched the passing scenery. When he spoke, it was so softly I almost missed it.

“Of that I have no doubt.”

He said nothing more, because we were interrupted by Charles drawing alongside and tapping his whip on the door of the chaise. “The driver thinks something is amiss with one of the team,” he said.

Henry left me to confer with Charles. I could not deny being more than a little pleased that he wanted me to meet his daughter and believed she would like me. If he didn’t care for me, would that matter to him? But I knew I must not assume anything. After I had rejected him soundly only a few months ago, would he try again so soon to gain my affections? And I wasn’t sure if caring for me was enough. I wanted his love.