The Pumpkin Eater (12 page)

“Yes.”

“Do you think that in order for your marriage to survive there should be some … change?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think Jake is liable to change?”

“No.”

I felt that I had at last given him a correct answer. He folded his file, screwed up his pen, with the air of a man whose backward pupil is beginning, after long weeks of patience and work, to make a little progress. “Think about what you have just said. Just chew it over a little during the next couple of weeks. Will you do that?”

“Couple of weeks?”

“I shan't be seeing you again for a fortnight. Surely I told you?”

“No — ”

“Oh, really — I'm so tremendously sorry. I quite thought I'd told you last time. We're off to Gstadt on Friday for a spot of ski-ing.” He grinned bashfully. “It's my great passion, I'm afraid.”

“But…” I couldn't believe it. Leaving me? Leaving me now? “But what about…?”

“Keep on with the pills, if you need them. Oh, and cut down on liquids as much as you can. We'll make an appointment, shall we, for the … 19th? Would the 19th suit you?”

“I can't manage the 19th. I know I can't.”

“Then why don't you give me a ring in, say, three weeks' time? See how you get on.” He beamed at me, persuasive, bland as a salesman leaving a free sample. No obligation, madam, it's entirely up to you.

“Jake will be back by then. I don't think I shall be able to manage it.”

“Oh, come now …”

“No,” I said. “I don't think I shall be able to manage it.”

“But it would be such a pity if you gave up …”

“If
I
gave up? What do your patients do while you're away? Commit suicide, murder their wives, or do they just sit and cry and take pills and think about what they told you last time? Supposing I take it into my head to get pregnant again? That's my disease, isn't it? Wouldn't it be a great deal simpler just to … sterilize me, or whatever it is they do, then you could go off to your ski-ing without a care in the world? If I'm sane enough to be left alone with my
thoughts
for two weeks then I'm too sane to need these futile, boring conversations — because my God, they bore me — at six guineas a time. I thought I was meant to…” I shut my mouth, clenching it tight. The wailing stopped. The room was peaceful. I said carefully, “It doesn't matter what I thought. I was wrong. I'll go now.”

He sighed again, more deeply, and examined his pen with such close scrutiny that he might have been reading a thermometer. Then he looked up. “Tell me,” he said, “how's Dinah? She had 'flu, I think, last time you came.”

“She's better. She's … taken to Trotsky.”

“Indeed? Why?”

“Somebody told her that he believed in the liberty of the individual.”

“It's a pleasant thought,” he said wistfully. He did not get up when I left. I heard later that he had broken a leg ski-ing. I thought then, blaming him, that if he hadn't gone we might both have remained undamaged.

Jake arrived back from North Africa early on Saturday morning, and the children were all home from school. Most of them were in the front bedrooms, watching for him; when they saw his car draw up they cateracted down the stairs, swarming over him as he came through the front door, disregarding the clipped cries of the nurse. The violinist's children flung themselves bodily, but his own stood holding him like a maypole. Dinah was not there. I called for her, but she didn't answer. I could only see the top of Jake's head as I came down slowly, smiling, step by step. He seemed to be being eaten.

“Hullo … Hullo … Hullo, there … How's my baby?” (This to the youngest, held up by the nurse.) “Go on, then, get the things out of the car… Where's Mum? … Go on, unload the car, can't you? … Where's Dinah? Where's Mum? … No, I haven't brought you anything, you haven't been good enough … Is Mum still in bed? Where's Mum?”

“Here,” I said, and hurried the rest of the way. His coat was damp, his face darkly sunburned. The children fell back a little and we embraced self-consciously.

“It's lovely to have you back,” I said.

“Lovely to be back.”

“You do look well.”

“I'm bloody tired actually.”

“Would you like some … coffee or something?”

“No thanks. I need a drink.”

“Well… come in.”

The older children staggered in with the suitcases, grasping the handles in both hands, straining backwards against the weight, making a great fuss. They dropped them about the room and the younger children undid them, rummaging about among dirty shirts to find packages. Jake helped them energetically, after one of them had poured him a large brandy and another had put too much soda in it.

“Where is Dinah, anyway?”

“Oh, she's still in bed.”

“She hasn't been well,” I said quickly.

“Oh … here …”

I put on a vaguely Moorish dressing gown, pure rayon and covered with the signs of the Zodiac; they all admired it and Jake said uneasily, “It's meant to bring you luck. I got one for Dinah too.”

“I'm sure she'll love it.”

“There's nothing to buy, really. You know, just a lot of junk.”

“It's lovely. Really it is.”

“Well. Anyway …”

“I got a green star … I got top in Friday Paper … Two of the goldfish died and a cat… Did you see any lions? … I got a green star for spelling and I got … Well,
I
got top in Friday Paper … What were the elephants like, did you see any lions? … We went to the circus, we went to the pictures three times … That's where I fell down … Did you see any camels, then? …
and
I got a green star for sums … I didn't have a plaster, I had a bandage … So can we have some more goldfish, and can we have a
dog
… Would you like to see my Scripture book? Was it a Jet? Did you see any hyenas? Can we have
tropical
fish? … That's Moses, that's David, that's Joseph in prison …”

The welcome slowly burned itself out. At last they grew bored and drifted away, some guiltily, saying they would soon be back, some with relief. Jake reached for my hand.

“Well?” he asked. “How are you?”

“I'm … fine.”

He patted his knee. “Come and tell me all about it. Give me a drink first.”

I gave him a drink and knelt, leaning against his leg.

“I wish you'd been there,” he said. “We had a wonderful time. Of course Hurst and Dante hated each other on sight…” I listened, content. Jake was a great gossip, he enjoyed speculation and intrigue and seldom disliked anyone. The few people he did dislike were overbearingly sincere, intensely serious and tinged with failure: these he dismissed as bores, and they did not enter his world.

I listened, and waited.

“What about the rest of the unit? Are they back?”

“Beth and John came back with me.” He yawned one of his enormous yawns, his eyes watering. “Doug's coming tomorrow, we're starting at Elstree on Wednesday.”

“And what about Dante, whatever she's called?”

“Oh, we got rid of her at the beginning of the week. She went off somewhere to buy a bit of Balmain. Anyway … what about you?”

“I'm fine. Really.”

“Have you been going to that chap, that doctor?”

“Yes. Yes, I have.”

“Oh well, then …” He shook his head to clear his eyes. “God, I'm tired. I suppose it's Saturday morning …”

“Yes.”

I could see Saturday morning creeping over him. He looked round the room. Some children were shooting each other out in the cold garden. A radio, a gramophone and a clarinet were being played in various parts of the house. The smell of roasting joint seeped under the door. His face seemed to gather sadness and he repeated heavily, “Oh well, then …” and gave a great sigh. “Oh well, I suppose …”

“I'm sorry,” I said.

“Sorry?”

I held his knees tightly, unable to explain. The party's over. Poor Jake, poor Jake. There ought to be champagne and calling people up, flowers and friends and a hotel suite where you ring for the ice … But no. There is carving the joint and quarrelling about the cauliflower. Poor, poor Jake.

He asked affectionately, “What's the matter with you?”

“Nothing.” Still easily moved, uncontrollable and easy, my eyes had filled with tears. “Nothing. Really.”

He withdrew, nervous. “There's nothing to cry about.”

“I'm not crying.”

“Is that…doc doing you any good?”

“He says I think I'm a tea cosy.”

He laughed, but only for a moment. I heard him thinking, weeping wife, kids, bills, joint, Saturday, nothing's changed. It did not occur to me that these were my thoughts, or that his could be more complex. I felt that I could not comfort him alone, and that I must appear to understand his feelings without having them explained to me. I blew my nose and said, “Why not ask them round?”

“Ask who round?”

“I don't know — John, Beth Conway, even Dante if you know where she is.”

“You mean tonight?”

“Then I could hear all about it. Properly.”

“You mean this evening?”

“Yes. Why not?”

“But … you don't want them round here
tonight
?”

“Yes, I do. I do. Really.” Why wouldn't he believe me? I was telling the truth. “Ring them up. Come on, they're probably feeling just as gloomy as you are. You know you want to.”

He looked extremely puzzled: bewilderment and hope, Cinderella sent back to the ball, Jake raised from the dead.

“Oh, no,” he said. “No. It'd bore you …”

“If you won't, I will. Where's Hurst staying?”

“At the Connaught. But he'll probably be asleep.”

Hurst was not asleep. He was very drunk. He would come, he said, he would come on the dot, he couldn't wait, my darling, my sweet, oh God the laughs they'd had …

“Now you ring Beth Conway,” I said.

“No. You ring her. You're so good at it.”

Beth Conway said she would have to ask her husband. There was a long wait. Finally she came back and said in a small voice, “Yes, Bob says that would be absolutely marvellous. What a splendid idea. Will it be sort of … dressy, do you think?”

“No, not a bit.” I put my hand over the mouthpiece and said, “She wants to know if it'll be
dressy
.” He said, on the fringe of a yawn, “Give her my love.”

“Jake sends you his love.”

“Oh. Thank you. We look forward to meeting you, awfully.”

“Yes,” I said. “It does seem silly we've never met.”

I went over to Jake and kissed him. He still seemed a little stunned. “There you are. You can do the rest.”

He grabbed my wrist and pulled me round to face him. “Have you been having an affair with that doctor or something?”

“How did you guess?”

“Something's happened. You look about eighteen. You look cunning.”

“It's the pills,” I said. “He gave me pills. They're very rejuvenating.”

“What are you hiding? There's something. What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“You've got some plan, I can tell that. Haven't you got some plan?”

“Of course not.” But as I said it I knew. I might have a plan. How stupid of me not to think of it before. Hated doctor, darling Jake — naturally I have a plan.

“Professional men,” Bob Conway said, “are all alike — doctors, lawyers, parsons, bloody parasites the lot of them. I call myself a tradesman because that's the only thing I've any respect for — a man's trade. Take these head-shrinkers now, you can't call that decent work, man's work, no, not in my honest opinion. In my honest opinion the whole bunch of them are a lot of frauds. About the only thing these leeches can cure is a case of clap. How about measles, how about mumps — our kid had mumps while Beth was away, so I
know
, I can tell you. How about the common cold, how about a cure for that?”

He was about fifty, squat, fat, with a throttling bow tie and small, twinkling eyes. His eyes twinkled as though hung in his head to frighten the birds away. He reminded me of someone, but I couldn't think who. I moved round him a little and caught sight of Dinah pinned into a corner by John Hurst. She signalled “Help!” over his shoulder and turned it neatly into a radiant smile.

“Excuse me …” I said, “but I must…”

“We all know what we want,” Bob Conway said, “and what the hell's the good of wondering why we want it? Well, I know what I want, and the more of it the better!” He nudged me with his empty glass.

“Jake …” By stepping back and plunging my arm between two unknown and startled guests, I managed to catch him. “Mr. Conway needs a drink. Can you …?”

I edged over to Dinah. Hurst was clutching the high bookshelf with both hands and had her penned between them. I ducked under one of his arms and rose up next to Dinah. He was incapable, it seemed, of moving and for a few moments, until he fell on me, Dinah and I jostled each other like people in a small lift.

“Darling Mrs. Jake!” he said. “Darling! What about this steaming girl of yours? Isn't she a beauty? Isn't she marvellous?” At this he fell, enveloping me. Dinah blushed and giggled. “I've been telling her she should go on the movies. No, honestly. She'd make a fortune. Darling Mrs. Jake, where's that old fox of yours been hiding you, you should have been
there
!”

“I wish I — ”

“We could have had a marvellous time! You simply abandoned us to that ghastly Dante, you know that.”

“Well,” I said, flicking an eyelid at Dinah, “there was Beth.”

He lowered his voice to a roar. “Tiny bit boring, between you and me. Strict secrets, of course. English Rose stuff. Deathville, as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, she's got the most ghastly breath, haven't you noticed?”