The Promise of Paradise (14 page)

She found herself
holding her breath. “I don’t think that.”

“Sure you do.”

Ash looked at her lap
until he reached over and stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I
couldn’t sleep last night,” he confessed.

Her heart sped up a
little.

“I thought… there’s
so much I don’t even know about this woman.”

Guilt replaced
giddiness inside Ash’s chest. She didn’t mean to keep secrets
from Eddie. Really, she didn’t. She just wouldn’t know where to
begin to tell him the truth.

“But then, there are
things you don’t know about me, either. Things that might help you
understand.”

She looked up at the
odd tone in his voice. “What things?”

Eddie looked past her,
over her head, to a shadow that might have danced on the wall behind
her. “When I was eight years old, my mom got cancer.”

“Oh, Eddie… I’m
so sorry.” The words left her mouth and bounced like hollow
cylinders around the room.
How much we hide, wrap close to the
skin.
Just when it seemed she knew her housemate, more layers of
him peeled away, so that each time she saw him, a new Eddie emerged.

“She was just
thirty-two,” he went on. “God, it was scary, especially for a
little kid. I couldn’t understand what was happening. Everyone
else’s mom came to Open House and baked cookies for snack time and
rode on the bus with us to the zoo. Mine just changed from this happy
person who smiled all the time to a skeleton that lay on our couch in
the living room and slept. Fourth grade? I can’t tell you a thing
about it. I spent all my time at the hospital visiting my mom, or
taking care of my little brother and sister at home.”

“I didn’t know you
had siblings,” Ash interrupted. He’d never mentioned them, and
only one picture of Eddie, at his high school graduation with both
parents, stood in a frame on his television downstairs.

His face clouded.
“Kelly’s eighteen. Just finished high school. And my brother
Cal…” He left the sentence unfinished.

“But after awhile,
she got better, like the huge miracle everyone had prayed for. She
got better, and went into remission, and things were great then. My
dad was in a good mood, and even Kelly and Cal didn’t annoy me so
much. I was happy, really happy, you know?”

Ash nodded.

“I thought, if only
things stay just like this, with my mom healthy and all of us getting
along, then I couldn’t ever want anything else.” Eddie took a
long breath. “For a long time, I really was that happy.” His hair
fell over his eyes as he looked down at his lap

“Then Cal died in a
car accident.”

“Oh, Eddie.” My
God, how much sorrow could one soul take? Ash looked again at her
housemate, and this time she saw pain deep and lasting.
He does
know what it means to have a family ripped apart. Maybe he’d
understand about mine, after all.
Little pieces of the reserve
inside her began to crack apart.

“It was three years
ago. We were driving home from the movies, and Cal was laughing over
some stupid joke he’d heard in school,” Eddie continued. “He
was seventeen, you know, trying to act all grown up, but still a
stupid kid, too big for his shoes and tripping over his feet.”

A smile flashed onto
his face but was gone in an instant.

“I was driving, and
we were just a couple of blocks from home when this car ran a red
light, ran right into us without even slowing down. I tried to stop,
but everything happened so fast…and I wasn’t looking the way I
usually do. I was watching Cal tell the joke and thinking how cool he
was going to be when he got a little older. I’d always thought he
was a dork, but he was starting to get it. He was starting to turn
into a man.” Eddie swallowed as if something in his throat hurt
him. “He would have been such a good man.”

His next words came out
in a sob. “The light was green, my way. It wasn’t red, or even
yellow. It was green. I know it was, because I still see it every
night in my sleep.” He squeezed the bridge of his nose, but two
tears spilled over his fingers before he could stop them.

“Eddie, you don’t
have to…” But he waved away her words with a damp hand. “It was
a drunk driver, so bombed that he never even remembered hitting us.
Ran into Cal’s side of the car, square on. Docs said he never felt
anything, died on impact. I hope so. ‘Cause all I thought about
after that was what if we’d gone to the late show, or what if we’d
stopped for a burger the way Cal wanted to? What if that guy hadn’t
left the bar when he did?” Eddie’s voice began to shake a little.

“Sometimes I think
Cal’s lucky. At least he’s free. I deal with it every day. Every
fuckin’ day.”

For a few minutes, his
ragged breaths were the only sound in the apartment. Ash didn’t
move. Didn’t speak. She didn’t even trust herself to reach out to
him in comfort.

Eddie raised a hand and
traced the line along his jawbone. “So yeah, that’s what the
scars are from. Plastic surgery only does so much. The doctor said he
could have gotten rid of this one…” He touched his cheek gently.
“But I wanted it. I wanted to remember.”

He stopped talking and
sat there for a long time with his eyes closed.

You didn’t need to
tell me all this,
Ash wanted to say.
I didn’t need to know.
Yet she knew why the words had spilled from him the minute he’d sat
down next to her. It was easy for them. They could sit and not say
anything special. They didn’t have to be funny, or flirty, or
witty, or even kind. They could just be…whatever they wanted. The
realization scared the hell out of her.

When he spoke again,
Eddie looked at her with such fierce affection that her heart
swooped. “But I’m happy now, Ash, really happy, for the first
time in I can’t remember how long.” He shook his head. “After
the accident, my life went to shit. I drank too much. I took six
months off from work and slept all day. I dated the wrong women just
to fill up the nights. I blamed myself for Cal’s death. Still do.
Most days, to be honest, I wished I were dead too.”

He stopped and took a
breath. “Then I moved in here, and met you, and everything
changed.” His hand moved over hers in soft circles, until she felt
as though her insides might float away.

“It’s different
with you, Ash. It’s like I don’t have to pretend.”

“Eddie, I—”

“I know you’re only
here for the summer.” He pulled her close, wrapping both arms
around her and murmuring into her hair. “I know that. But Boston
isn’t that far away.” His lips moved against her temple. “Maybe
we could give it a try. Maybe we could—”

He twisted a little.
“What am I sitting on?”

Oh, no.
Ash
reached to grab the notebook, but Eddie had already pulled it from
between the cushions. He smoothed its wrinkled top page and glanced
down. “What is…?” His words fell away. When he looked up again,
something had fallen across his face, a chilly pall that stole all
warmth from his expression.

“Who’s Colin?”

“Eddie, it’s
nothing. No one.” She took the notebook and tossed it onto the
floor.

“Your ex-boyfriend?
The one you never talk about?”

She waved a hand.
“Yeah. But that’s over with. He doesn’t matter.” She tried to
run her fingers across Eddie’s face and calm the irritation growing
there.

“Why are you making
lists about him? About him and me?”

“It’s nothing. It’s
just…” How could she explain? “It’s something I do sometimes,
to sort things out.”

“What needs sorting
out? Are you still in love with him?”

“No. But it’s
complicated.”

“I thought you said
it was over.”

“It is.”
And it
isn’t.

His voice softened
then. “Then tell me about it. About him. Let me in, Ash. For once.”

“There’s nothing to
tell,” she whispered. “Really.”

Eddie punched the arm
of the loveseat. “I sit here and tell you all about the accident
that ripped my life in half, all about the brother I lost, and you
can’t even talk to me about your ex? What is it? You don’t trust
me?” With every word, his voice raised, until he was shouting.

“That’s not it,”
Ash began. “I just…”
I can’t get into it,
she wanted
to say.
I can’t tell you about Colin without telling you about
my father. And I can’t tell you about my father without telling you
my real name. And then you’ll know I’ve been lying to you all
along.

Eddie stared at her for
another minute. Then he shot to a stand. “If you can’t trust me,
there’s no way this will work. Ever.”

Tears bubbled up to the
surface, and Ash looked away in case they fell. She couldn’t think
of a single thing to say.

“You know, I’m not
stupid. I know you came to Paradise because something chased you out
of Boston. I know you’re running away from something. Or someone.”
His voice shook. “And I don’t care. I’ve never pushed. But if
you can’t even begin to tell me about it—”

Eddie’s voice broke,
and he didn’t finish, just retraced his steps to the front door and
shut it behind him.

That was what happened
when you let yourself get involved, Ash thought. Her chest tightened.
She never should have kissed him. She never should have become
friends with him in the first place.

But it was too late for
that, and she knew it. She stared at her door, willing it open again.
Suddenly, she wanted to confess everything. She wanted to look into
those dark eyes and know Eddie didn’t care where she came from or
who she really was. She wanted to feel his mouth on hers again. She
wanted him to fold his arms around her and tell her everything would
be okay.

But she didn’t know
if it would be.

Twenty-four hours of
heartless rain poured down. It soaked the roof and seeped into Ash’s
bedroom in the form of dreary dampness. She rearranged her furniture.
She took all the recyclables to the store, careful to avoid looking
at Eddie’s door on the way there and back. She rearranged her CD
collection. She drove all the way to Burnt Hills, a leftover hippie
colony past Silver Creek rumored to have the best hummus in the
state.

Finally, she gave in
and called her mother.

“Ashton!” Mamie
Kirk’s voice wobbled. “Where have you been?”

“I’m sorry.” She
curled into a ball on the loveseat and stared at the ceiling. “It’s
just…I needed to take a break from things back home. It was getting
a little crazy.”
Getting crazy? Already way beyond, if you want
the truth.

“Jess said you’re
subletting a place in New Hampshire?” Doubt crept into her mother’s
voice and hung there, waiting for Ash to correct her, to say that no,
Jess was wrong, she wouldn’t do something so un-Kirk-like.

“Mm hmm,” Ash said
instead.

“You’ve heard about
your father? About the charges being dropped?”

“Yes.”

“We’d like to make
a statement to the press,” she went on when Ash didn’t. “At the
house on Martha’s Vineyard. The secretary of state will be there
next week, and we’re planning on joining him and his wife for a few
days.”

God, no.
Ash
squeezed her eyes shut. Less than three months away from that life,
and it already seemed foreign to her, as if she’d never lived it at
all.

“So will you be
there?”

“I don’t think I
can make it.”

“Ash, your father
needs all of us together. As a family. You know the nomination is—”

“I know. The most
important thing in his life right now.”
And that’s why he
needs the shiny, happy faces of his wife and daughters with him when
the cameras start snapping.

“The thing is, I’m
working,” she said. “I’m not sure I can get away.”

Mamie didn’t answer,
a quick intake of breath the only indication that she’d heard.
“Well...what do you mean, exactly? You’re not…you haven’t
taken a position with another firm, have you? Not up there?”

Oh, how that would
complicate things. Ash almost smiled. She could just picture the
headline: “Youngest Kirk daughter turns down prestigious job in
Boston only to slum in the hills of New Hampshire.” Part of her
wanted to tell her mother just where she spent her working hours.
It’s a jazz club in a blue-collar town. I serve people food and
then clean up after them. Want me to issue a statement to the press
about that?
But she kept her mouth shut.

“We’ll be at the
Vineyard the whole week,” her mother said. “I’m sure you can
take some time off.” She paused. “Colin asked if he can join us.”

“What?” Ash sat
straight up. “No. No way.” How dare he try to weasel his way back
into her life? That’s what the phone call was all about. He didn’t
miss her. He missed the Kirk name. He missed the reputation. Her
cheeks burned with anger. “Forget it.”

“Ash, please—”

“He broke up with me,
Mom. Did you know that? That Colin dumped me right after everything
happened with Dad? That he was sleeping with someone else?”

“No, I didn't. I…”
Her mother choked off into silence.

“Tell Dad I’m
sorry,” Ash said. “I wish I could be there. I do. But I can’t.”
She couldn't play that charade, shrug that life on again like a skin
that just slipped off for a few weeks. It wasn't that easy.

“I’m sorry you feel
that way.” Mamie hiccupped, but Ash could hear her smoothing her
voice, ratcheting down any emotion that might betray her. The way she
always did. The way she probably always would.

“I’ll have Jess or
Anne call you next week,” she went on, as if Ash hadn’t refused
to join them at the Kirk vacation home but simply said she needed to
check her calendar. “Maybe you can find some time to work us in.”

“Mom, listen. It’s
not that I don’t want to be there for Dad. I just…”

“I know. You have a
life of your own, and you want to live it. I understand that.”