The Power of the Herd (55 page)

Lauren also reports that she modified the “rock back and sigh” technique for her small office in Portland, Oregon:

Considering the relationship between arousal and spatial proximity is a crucial component in my practice. This is important not only for the client's well-being but also for the therapist and the therapeutic relationship. Like the oxygen mask drill demonstrated by flight attendants prior to taking off (the one that stresses “put your own mask on before assisting others”), it is essential to keep my own even keel in the wake of a client's trauma responses. This is especially important when working with veterans suffering military trauma complicated by past abuse. For these clients, validation of intense emotions is essential, as they have likely experienced extreme invalidation of emotion when past attachment figures (usually parents) reacted to their legitimate emotion with criticism or withdrawal. Those who have experienced trauma are keenly aware of subtle changes in therapist arousal, so effective validation for these clients depends on emotional congruence of the therapist. If I am incongruent under these circumstances, I not only risk the therapeutic relationship, but I may also be experienced as a threat.

Fortunately, I discovered early in my study of equine-facilitated learning through Eponaquest that when a client's arousal level escalated, I could ease my own reaction to that escalation by rocking back and sighing. Due to counseling conventions discouraging erratic therapist behavior, and to the limitations of my windowless 8' x 12' office, I had to get creative in this endeavor. I found that an office chair with wheels and a flexible back offered the perfect vehicle for this exercise! Thus, “rock back and sigh” became “roll back, lean back and sigh.” Lest this conjure images of careening chairs, bouncing off walls, it is actually a very subtle yet extremely effective (stealth) move.

It is through demonstration of “rock back and sigh,” lowering my own arousal level, that I have taught veterans to do the same when arousal and emotional escalation is exacerbated by proximity. This work also provides
an impersonal explanation for the traumatized veteran's difficulty being in crowds and their tendency to isolate and avoid social gatherings. Using the story of how Merlin's trainers discovered this gives way to explanations of emotional contagion as well. Clients seem to experience increased self-empathy, understanding and meaning in their experience.

Finally, Lauren teaches veterans and their family members how to set boundaries respectfully:

Attending to the message behind the emotion has awakened improved emotional functioning in several of the veterans with whom I've worked. It has been particularly helpful in those who have difficulty managing their anger. “Anger management” evokes images of aggressive outbursts and out of control reactivity. However, many who experience intense anger turn it toward themselves in the form of emotional or physical self-injury.

Most of us, including the veterans and other clients I've worked with, were raised to view anger as a bad emotion. Learning by way of the horse about anger as an indicator that a boundary has been crossed has liberated many to use this sensation to improve their lives. A particularly poignant story involves a veteran who realized that his lifelong suicidal ideation and attempts had always come subsequent to a boundary violation by an intimate. These weren't necessarily serious violations; they typically involved inconsiderate behaviors such as his partner turning the TV channel without asking or eating all the leftovers without offering him any. When we finally were able to see that the common thread in all suicidal feelings began with similar incidents, the veteran was able to use the energy of his anger to make appropriate requests for consideration. The decrease in his suicidal thoughts and behaviors was directly correlated with appropriate boundary setting. With practice, he realized the pleasure of “going back to grazing” as opposed to fighting suicidal urges. His life improved dramatically and he was able to focus on living his life rather than fighting to do no harm.

It's clear from this powerful example that just as important as respecting others' boundaries is the art of setting them with people who are clueless about
your
unique needs for space. Here's where the difficulty level rises.

Among humans, boundaries are also relevant to professional space (offices and cubicles), job integrity (handling your part of a project, or running your
division), and emotional space (keeping your private life as private as
you
want to keep it, regardless of what others may share about their relationships and backgrounds). Boundaries involve time, too: the time you need to do the job well, without being overrun with other projects and deadlines coming at you from multiple directions.

In all of these cases, boundaries are not walls; they are
negotiations.
When you set a boundary, you should always keep this in mind. Some people need more space or quiet to think clearly. Some thrive on close physical proximity and discussion. Others do their best creative work when the radio is playing. In college, I found it easier to write complex term papers at the student union with hundreds of strangers talking and laughing around me, but I didn't want to socialize on these occasions.

When it comes to setting and respecting boundaries, the old adage “do unto others as you would have others do unto you” may
not
apply. Some people like to be hugged when they're feeling down, others like to go out to lunch and talk about it, and still others would be eternally grateful if everyone would let them close their office door and be alone for two hours. Finding out what someone needs, rather than giving her what
you
would want in the same situation, is an easy way to bypass many potential boundary issues.

For similar reasons, it's important to avoid jumping to conclusions when someone oversteps one of your boundaries. You'll save yourself a lot of time, energy, and grief if you don't automatically take offense. This person may have been treating you as she would have wanted to be treated, or her previous boss would have wanted to be treated, or her mother always told her people would want to be treated in a certain situation. Or perhaps you inadvertently and completely unconsciously stepped on her toes in some way earlier in the day, and she's angry with
you!

As discussed in Guiding Principle 1, anger is a signal that someone has overstepped a boundary, perhaps with the conscious or unconscious intention of bending you to his or her will. Most of the time, however, boundary issues do not involve intentionally aggressive moves. Someone who bursts into your office with a list of five urgent things for you to do that day may break your concentration while you're trying to finish an important project. You need to set an effective boundary, not swallow your irritation (and explode at her or someone else later). At the same time, it's not at all helpful to tell this person that she has “violated” your boundaries. Though many people don't understand what this means, most feel shamed and alienated by this language.

In setting boundaries, it's most productive to do the following:

1.   
Take care of these momentarily uncomfortable issues early, on a case-by-case basis. If you wait too long to set boundaries, you'll encourage the “offending” person to unconsciously step over the line again and again. As a result, you're likely to do one of two highly unproductive things later, most likely when you're under stress for some other reason: You might hit that “straw that breaks the camel's back” stage, where you lose your temper with this person over something minor, gaining a reputation as a hothead. Or, more commonly, you'll become perpetually irritated and, over time, mistrustful of this person, perhaps dismissing her ideas or giving her the silent treatment. As a result, you will develop a reputation as an inexplicably cold, cranky, self-absorbed, or petty person who is not a team player.

2.   Ask for the specific behavior, space, or time you want and
explain how it will help you get the job done.
Again, you would never say, “Madeline, I need to set a boundary with you. This new client must be some kind of prima donna. Can't you wait another day for us to get started on this proposal? I'm trying to prepare for another meeting that I set up a month ago, and I really need to concentrate for an hour! Jeez!” Instead use a calm, problem-solving tone of voice: “Madeline, I can see you have a list of five important things for me to do this morning, but I'm finishing up the final figures on the budget for tomorrow's meeting. What's the first priority here? Should I get John to take over the budget figures so I can help you with this unexpected lead? Can we hold off until I finish the budget later today? Or should we get Susan or Emily to help us prioritize and divide up this list right now?”

3.   Negotiate if necessary once you understand the other person's needs and concerns.

4.   Give the person
immediate positive feedback
when he or she makes the slightest move to give you the space, time, or consideration you've asked for, in the form of relaxed, connected body language, smiles, gentle eye contact, and so on. You want to show the person that you're not setting a boundary to alienate or punish anyone but to become more effective
and
connected. Appreciation and enthusiasm for the negotiated adjustments are also helpful: “Thanks, Madeline. I do think it's a good plan to have Susan get started on at least outlining the new proposal this morning. I'll get right back to these boring budget figures so that I can do some research on your new prospect later today. It's a great opportunity! Hey, can you close my office door on your way out, and let everyone else know I need a couple more hours to get this done before I can jump on board?”

5.   Be willing to hold your ground once an agreement has been reached. You may have to set the boundary several times, with an increasingly emphatic tone of voice and
progressively
more assertive body language. But again, give immediate positive feedback when the boundary is respected once more. This “crescendo into immediate positive feedback” technique is essential in working with teams of experts who may or may not be your boss. It's also an important tool in motivating others to accomplish all kinds of mundane or ambitious goals.

A crescendo is a gradual increase in volume or intensity that does not drop back down or release pressure until it reaches its fulfillment. Musicians learn to do this for expressive, purely aesthetic reasons. Most people, however, don't develop this important skill, though there are many good reasons to employ it daily in all kinds of contexts.

The crescendo is, for instance, helpful in setting boundaries with a horse, though it's rarely taught at conventional training barns, at least not consciously. The best trainers and riding instructors somehow develop it unconsciously in motivating horses to perform a specific goal. But most equestrians spend more time in the saddle than in relating to their horses on the ground. As a result, very few recognize that there's a difference between assertive, goal-directing behavior and boundary setting.

Boundaries are often completely mishandled in all kinds of ways. Commonly, people say, “back off” to a horse, perhaps halfheartedly, perhaps even angrily — not realizing that their body language is completely incongruent with their message. Truly, it's not at all uncommon to see experienced riders wave a whip and
shout
“back off” to a horse while
they
are backing up. In effect, the verbal cue, vocal tone, and whip waving add up to more than 10 percent of the communication potential — let's say 30 percent. But that still means the horse is responding to another 70 percent of the body language, perceived intent, and energy of a person who is literally inviting the horse to move closer as she steps back.

Holding your ground
is the first step in clear boundary-setting communication, and well-trained horses will respect this — as long as they're naturally submissive.
Mastering the crescendo
is key to handling more defiant responses from an alpha mare or feisty stallion who believes she or he should be in charge and is willing to up the ante, using intimidation to gain control over you. More specifically, the
crescendo-into-immediate-positive-feedback
approach is a remarkably simple, highly effective, yet completely counterintuitive way to
gain the respect of any proud, talented being — without alienating him or her. This is a skill we all need to develop in leading or collaborating with groups of human experts, or with naturally dominant family members, for that matter.

I say
counterintuitive
because the tendency for most people is to feel insulted by any power play. They will sometimes, in response, set a boundary in a state of such outrage that the human or horse really doesn't care to interact with them again, perhaps deferring to their dominance, but not trusting them as leaders. (The important distinction between the herd dominant and herd leader is discussed in
chapter 8
.)

At the barn, the progression usually looks like this: A trainer, let's call her Wanda, manages to stand her ground as a stallion steps too close. She quietly says, “Back off, Sparky,” and gives the whip a subtle twitch. No response. Again, she quietly says, “Back off, Sparky,” accompanied by a subtle twitch of the whip, perhaps several more times, essentially holding the same “volume level” — at, let's say, two on a “power dial” of one to ten. Then suddenly, she shouts, “Damn it, Sparky! I said
BACK OFF
, you presumptuous bastard!” She then whacks the horse with the whip and makes him run around the arena five times to show some respect.

If Wanda's ultimate aim was to socialize Sparky — to make him a more trustworthy, respectful horse — let alone form an actual partnership with him, she made at least four mistakes: