The Pioneer Woman Cooks (44 page)

I wouldn’t have guessed it, but a full rainbow is the perfect inspiration for practicing my ballet stretches.

I have a lot of time on my hands.

AND I DO MEAN “WILD”

Wild horses are nothing like our tame, well-bred ranch horses. Instinct causes them to react erratically and suddenly at the slightest unexpected sound: an airplane flying by, a car horn…or the sneeze of a photographer sitting on the ground, trying to mind her own business.

Wild horses don’t understand human sneezes!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I hear my mommy calling.

SUPPER

(TRANSLATION: DINNER)

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHAPS AND CHINKS

I’m all about getting to the bottom of things. I’m all about getting the straight scoop, getting the info out to the people who need it, and maintaining my high standard of up-to-the-minute reporting and analysis.

In continuation of that journalistic legacy, I’d like to expose the true purpose of chaps and examine the differences between chaps (below left, on Cowboy Josh) and chinks (below right, on Marlboro Man). “Chaps,” of course, is the accepted, generic term of the piece of leather garb a cowboy commonly wears over his jeans. “Chaps” is also the name of a popular Ralph Lauren cologne from the eighties—a cologne many a pimply-faced, hormonal boy in my junior high school bathed in. Even today, when I smell Chaps cologne, I think of Huey Lewis and the News, Pontiac Fieros, Rubik’s Cubes, and Topsider knockoffs. But that’s outside the scope of this topic.

So why do cowboys choose to wear chaps (or chinks) over their jeans in the first place? To look cool? To play the part of a cowboy? To make women swoon? I once thought so. But what I’ve found in the course of my reporting is that there are actually many, very practical reasons for a cowboy to wear chaps.

First, the tough leather serves as a substantial layer of protection while riding horseback through brushy (read: stickerbush-heavy) areas of the ranch. Second, in the cattle pen, when it comes to wrestling energetic calves to the ground, it’s nice to have a thick piece of leather between the calves’ kicking legs and your leg, as denim jeans don’t serve as much of a buffer. Third, in cold, windy weather, the leather from the chaps serves as an added layer of warmth.

Another reason to wear chaps is to protect your jeans from excessive filth.

You’ll see that Cowboy Lynn, right, is wearing chaps. Marlboro Man, left, is not wearing chaps. Cowboy Lynn’s wife will kiss him when he walks in the door. Marlboro Man’s wife (that’s me) will begin weeping. Then she’ll kiss her container of Tide. And her front-loading washing machine.

Now, the decision of whether to wear chaps or chinks usually boils down to personal preference. Chaps run the entire length of the leg—from hip to ankle—which can make them considerably more constricting. Chinks, on the other hand, stop at or below the knee, allowing for freer movement. Chaps, in colder weather, provide more warmth than chinks; chinks, in warm weather, stay cooler than their full-length counterparts.

Here, Marlboro Man and my brother-in-law Tim are both wearing chinks.

Now for the untold story. Aside from assisting a cowboy in his work by providing warmth, protection, and durability, chaps and chinks do have another, relatively unrecognized benefit…

This. This. This is what chaps are all about. And don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

When Marlboro Man’s fringe goes a flyin’…look out.

Chaps: While practical, functional, and durable, they really do a number on any female within a 100-yard radius. Present company included.

Present company oh, so very much included.

CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK

Makes 6 servings

Chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy. I can say with authority that after conducting a long, exhaustive search, there is nothing on earth that says “Cowboy Cuisine” more than this.

When I make this for the cowboys for lunch, they moan and groan as if they’ve finally come home. When I make it for Marlboro Man for dinner, he moans and groans…because he is home. Then he proposes to me seventeen times. And we’re already married!

The best meat to use for chicken-fried steak is known ’round these parts as “cube steak,” which is tenderized round steak that’s been extra tenderized. If your local store sells “tenderized round steak,” you’ll probably want to pound it some more.

I’ll be showing you two different approaches for the meat itself. One involves a more classic egg-and-flour breading approach, while the other is a slightly “lighter” twist. And keep in mind that the word lighter, when it comes to anything having to do with chicken-fried steak, is a very relative term.