The Phoenix War (29 page)

And there it is
, thought Shen.
Sarah’s sympathy. And her pity. Just like I expected
… He was
about to say something dismissive, something that might encourage
her to leave and take her unwanted pity with her, when she said
something he never expected to hear.

“I was wrong, Shen.”

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Look, I know that things haven’t been the
best between us, since… well, you know,” said Sarah, seeming to
struggle for the right words. “And I’m sorry. Believe me, I am. And
I’m just as confused by everything as you. But, when you went down
there, down to Remus Nine, and you almost didn’t make it back. And…
it looked like we were going to lose you, that
I
would lose
you… I don’t know…” she looked at him, almost pleadingly, and then
her eyes darted away; she was obviously struggling.

“Sarah,” said Shen gently. “Are you
okay?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I really
don’t.”

“I’m sorry to hear tha—”

“Shen, go out with me,” she said the words
suddenly, sharply, and with obvious difficulty.

What
? Shen thought, unable to even
vocalize his confusion.
What just happened
? Had she really
asked him, just now, to go out with her? Him?
Shen
? Did
Sarah have a head injury? Had she gone blind?

Her eyes met his and it was clear she
expected an answer. Shen swallowed hard. Feeling momentarily
delirious, almost drunk on the moment. He’d fantasized about this
very situation a hundred-thousand times. It’d been the feverishly
wonderful yet hopelessly impossible daydream that had been on his
mind for over two years. But that had been before. Back when he’d
been human. And normal… or, at least, as normal as he could be.
Now, though, now he was a monster.

What a cruel reality this is
, he
thought. When the very thing he’d always wanted was so very close
to him, almost tauntingly so, and yet forever beyond reach.

“Well?” pressed Sarah.

Shen glanced away. Thought of the alarm clock
he’d smashed, thought of the dreams that kept tormenting him—the
savage, feral wildness that was undoubtedly a part of him, using
his dreams to express itself. Buried for now, but certain to come
out eventually. And when it did… Sarah didn’t deserve to be there
to see it. Or experience it firsthand. She deserved better.
Certainly there was no way he could ever be what she needed.

He met her eyes as he spoke. “Sarah, I… I
don’t think that’s a very good idea.”

She looked surprised, but stubborn. “Come on,
Shen, let’s give it a try. What have we got to lose?”

He looked at her sadly. If only she could
understand… “I’m sorry, Sarah, but… the answer is no. I can’t… I’m
not that guy.”

Her eyes narrowed and he couldn’t tell if she
was more hurt or more angry. Sarah dismissed herself and
disappeared from Shen’s room. He didn’t follow her. Nor did he let
his eyes watch her go. Even though a tiny part of himself begged
and pleaded with his mind, urging him to take it back, to take her
in his arms and hold her and comfort her. To embrace everything
he’d ever wanted. But another part of him couldn’t help but imagine
what would happen when it wasn’t the alarm clock that he
thoughtlessly struck with full force as he awoke from a night
terror. What if it was her instead? He just couldn’t allow himself
to take that chance.

I’m sorry, Sarah. I really am
.

***

As Sarah hurried back to her quarters, she
felt like a perfect idiot. What had just happened? She almost
couldn’t get her mind around it. She had actually gone out on a
limb for Shen.
Why would I do that
? she wondered. She’d
never had those feelings for him before. And certainly that wasn’t
the conversation she’d rehearsed in her mind—she hadn’t gone to his
quarters to ask him out.

What was I thinking
? As she hurried
back, practically racing to get to the privacy of her quarters, she
felt tears threatening to break through. And she honestly couldn’t
say whether she was more hurt or more surprised. Or more angry.

She made it inside her quarters before she
exploded into tears. The whole situation upset her, and the fact
that it bothered her at all—enough to drive her to actual
tears—only upset her further, and made the tears worse. She
collapsed onto her bed and buried her face in her pillow. Wondering
why she even cared at all.

I never liked Shen. Never, ever, ever.
Never
!

No matter how much she repeated it in her
mind, it did precious little to comfort her, and seemed untrue
besides.

I pick real winners, don’t I
? She
thought of the men on the Nighthawk who’d actually managed to
excite her feelings. First there had been Anand, who left and was
now trying to murder them all. Having completely snapped. Then
there was Pellew, the special forces captain who, on top of being
as self-centered and unsympathetic as they come, had proven himself
to be a total sociopath by flushing a civilian crew to their deaths
in open space without showing the slightest hesitation or hint of
remorse. But at least
he
was handsome, which was more than
she could say for Shen.

Shen… overweight Shen, with more doubts than
confidence. He’d never been even the tiniest bit interesting to
her. Not before. And yet, he’d always been there. He’d always
supported her. And been her friend. And had tried so hard. And
then, when she thought he was going to die, after his stupid act of
bravado that had almost cost him his life—which he’d only done to
impress her anyway—something became different.

Something had changed in her. And something
had changed in him too, it seemed. And Sarah didn’t like it one
bit.

“Lights off,” she croaked and her room went
dark. She closed her eyes and promised herself that, as she drifted
off to sleep, she wouldn’t think of Shen. Not even a little.

“We’re now back in normal space,” reported
Rafael from the copilot seat behind Calvin. The report was
unnecessary, Calvin could plainly see that the view around them had
filled with stars. But Calvin appreciated Rafael’s attention to
duty all the same. As a general rule he’d rather be overly informed
than under.

“Very good,” said Calvin, “I’m going to move
us closer to the Aleator One station.” He found the platform on the
nav computer and locked onto its position in orbit around the large
red planet. “Standard approach, sixty-thousand mc’s per second.
Keep your ears open for any comm traffic. We should be hearing from
a sentry ship any second now.”

“There’s a lot of comm traffic,” said Rafael.
“It might be a minute before we hear from that sentry ship, they’ve
got their hands full.”

Calvin did a short-range scan and saw what
Rafael was talking about. Normally Aleator space was reasonably
well organized and patrolled, the Roscos disdained chaos, but right
now there were about ten times as many ships as usual coming and
going, or else parked near the Aleator platforms.

“It makes sense,” said Calvin, after thinking
about it for two seconds. “With greater instability in the Empire,
and the fear of civil war, a lot of people have fled to Aleator to
escape the chaos.”

“Or to profit from it,” said Rafael. Calvin
knew he was right. As their fighter-bomber passed a larger,
ruthless-looking vessel that was sitting idly in space, Calvin
thought of the smuggling or trafficking operation that it was
undoubtedly here to perform, and it reminded him just how much
humanity needed the Empire.

“Stay alert.”

“I’ve got something,” said Rafael
immediately. “Incoming message.”

“From a sentry ship or from Aleator One?”

“Neither,” said Rafael with a smirk. “It’s
from some strange ship called the Nighthawk—yeah, I’ve never heard
of it either.”

Calvin smiled. “Patch it through.”

“It’s good to see that you finally made it,”
said a woman’s voice over the speakers. It was familiar but not who
Calvin had expected.

“Cassidy?” asked Calvin.

“Yes sir,” said Cassidy. “I’m Acting Third
Officer now, Green Shift’s officer of the watch. But don’t worry,
I’ve notified Commander Presley of your arrival and she is on her
way to the bridge.”

“Thank you,” said Calvin, “please inform the
pilot to send coordinates and begin a docking operation with this
vessel.”

“Aye, sir.”

“And tell the commander I’ll speak to her
once I’m aboard.”

“Understood.”

He closed the channel. Feeling more than a
little surprised that Cassidy, a meager midshipman, had been raised
to the position of Acting Third Officer. He didn’t doubt Cassidy’s
ability, though he still somewhat resented her for siding with
Summers over him way back when. And certainly Sarah or someone else
of higher rank was more worthy of the position of Third Officer.
Hopefully this wasn’t an indication that the ship had lost more of
its dear crew than he’d thought… He wondered what other strange
changes Summers had made in his absence.

“Coordinates received,” said Rafael.

“I see them,” said Calvin, checking the
readout on the computer. He adjusted their position and heading
accordingly. As the fighter-bomber adjusted to its new course,
Rafael informed him that they’d finally gotten the attention of
Aleator.

“A sentry ship has been dispatched and is
closing on our position, I think…”

“The sentry ship looks more like a
cargo-vessel refit, doesn’t it?” asked Calvin with a slight
grin.

“Yes sir.”

Same old Aleator
… It felt strange to
think that he hated this system so much, with all it had done to
him and his family over the years, how he’d always despised it for
stealing his dad from him, and how he’d hated the fact that the
Roscos kept trying to repay him for some favor they owed his
father, and yet now here he was, eager to cash in on that favor
after all. And just maybe, it would prove the difference between
saving the Empire and losing it.
Damn Roscos
…

“Message from Aleator One,” said Rafael.

“Patch it through.”

“Looks like you made it in one piece,
Calvin,” said Grady’s voice over the speakers. “Go ahead and dock
with my sentry ship Armadillo; she’ll take you the rest of the
way.”

“Actually, I need to dock with the Nighthawk
first. But as soon as we’re ready, my team and I will come directly
aboard Aleator One. And in the meantime you’ll keep a docking port
cleared and ready for us.”

“Of course,” said Grady. “Whatever you say.
Anything for a friend of the family.”

The comm closed and Calvin slowed the
fighter-bomber, stopping it once the vessel had attached. Because
the Nighthawk had no hangar, and therefore nowhere for the
fighter-bomber to land, Calvin had to align the fighter-bomber’s
emergency hatch with one of the Nighthawk’s external hatches. It
was a fairly straightforward operation and, once pressurization was
achieved, he and Rafael crawled through the side hatch and onto the
deck of the Nighthawk.

“Home at last,” said Calvin once he’d gotten
to his feet and found himself on deck three. A small welcoming
party had gathered to greet them. Though not the people he’d
expected. None of his closest friends were there, no doubt the
officers of White Shift were still asleep since it was the middle
of Green Shift. That wouldn’t have stopped the likes of Miles and
Sarah, of course—they would have skipped sleep to see him that much
sooner, he knew—so he guessed they simply hadn’t been told he’d
arrived in the system. Instead he was unexpectedly greeted by
Captain Pellew and Dr. Rain Poynter.

“Commander Presley says she will meet you on
the bridge,” said Pellew, as if in answer to an unspoken
question.

Calvin nodded. “Thank you, Captain. Please
see to it that your men offload the cargo from the fighter-bomber
onto the Nighthawk, including any cargo you find in the
payload.”

“Weapons, sir?” asked Pellew.

“No, not weapons,” said Calvin. “Just cargo.”
He looked away from Pellew and his eyes met Rain’s. They were a
pale blue, he’d forgotten just how striking they were. Undoubtedly
some of the prettiest eyes he’d ever seen. Her fiery red hair
seemed as unmanageable as ever, and had been pulled into a ponytail
behind her head. “Doctor,” he said, giving her a polite nod. He
wondered if she was here to tell him that Shen had finally passed
on. Calvin decided he’d rather not know yet.

“Hello, Calvin,” said Rain with a soft smile.
“I’d like to give Rafael a look over, if I may.”

“That’s up to him,” said Calvin.

“I appreciate the concern but I assure you,
I’m quite all right,” said Rafael. “Now if you’ll please excuse me,
I have things to attend to.”

“Go,” said Calvin. “Take care of what you
need to. Just remember, if you’re coming, we meet at the main hatch
at oh-six-hundred.”

“I’m coming.” He saluted and Calvin returned
the salute. Then Rafael went one way and Calvin went the other.
He’d walked only a few steps before he realized that Rain was
following him.

“Is there something more I can do for you,
Doctor?” asked Calvin, not slowing his pace.

Rain hurried and caught up to him, so they
were walking side by side. “Yes,” she said. “How are things with
you and equarius?” Her tone was politely hushed, as if it were
still a secret that Calvin had struggled with dependency of the
drug.

“I’ve kicked the habit once and for all,” he
said, thinking of the time he’d managed to flush the last of his
equarius down the toilet. Of course there had been some complicated
feelings when the princess—now queen—had forced him to take more
equarius, to verify that he wasn’t a replicant, and he’d enjoyed it
more than he’d wanted to admit to anyone—especially himself—but
true to his promise he hadn’t taken any more since. Even though he
still thought about it from time to time.