The Perfection Paradox (8 page)

Hannah wished
her parents had been more like that. Jessica may have been an
outsider at Rosewell High School, but she knew what she wanted and
who she wanted to be. Being socially insignificant didn’t matter to
her, she had a greater purpose, a purpose that stretched past high
school, a purpose her parents had allowed her to nurture and
develop.

She was
confident, quietly so, but still it showed itself in her subtle
smile and relaxed brown eyes.

Her head was
shaven on one side, and she had more piercings than Hannah could
count, but when Hannah had asked why she didn’t hang out with the
kids at school who looked and dressed like her, she’d just shrugged
and said “The popular bitches aren’t the only clique in high school
Hannah, there are lots of cliques here, and all of them are
prisons. You guys are my friends because of my personality, not my
appearance. I could hang out with those people, but what if all of
a sudden I want to start wearing pink or felt like banging a jock?
Would they still want to be my friends then?”

She’d smiled
darkly, “Trust me, every clique in high school is built upon a
foundation of bitching and back-stabbing, not just Brooke Kent and
her followers.”

Hannah
thought she’d figured out everything there was to know about high
school, but Jessica proved her wrong. Hannah had been so focused on
hating one type of girl, she hadn’t even questioned if any of the
others were just as bad.

That was what
she liked about Jessica. She was who she was, and it didn’t matter
who was listening, she would never change.

Marie, on the
other hand, wasn’t confident. She was quieter, less sure of
herself. She wanted to be a doctor and Hannah knew she’d be
fantastic at it. She was kind and reassuring, and when she spoke to
you, you felt she really cared, that your well being
really mattered
to
her.

Hannah
believed the reason behind her quiet nature was mostly to do with
her upbringing. Marie’s parents were essentially polar opposites of
Jessica’s.

Marie had
grown up in a very strict family with very religious beliefs,
beliefs Marie just couldn’t accept. She’d attended church every
Sunday, sung the hymns, prayed before bedtime, but somewhere along
the way they had ceased to mean anything.

Marie was a
middle child, she had an older brother and younger sister, both of
whom had embraced god wholeheartedly and believed in him beyond
doubt.

Marie had
slowly become an outsider in her own home, amongst her own
family.

She’d never
been brave enough to tell her parents how she felt. It was too
important to them and once said, she could never take it
back.

She’d learnt
to pretend though. She knew it wasn’t right to lie, she’d been
brought up being told that lying was a sin, but surely denying
god’s existence would be an even bigger sin in her parents eyes, so
she’d picked the lesser of two evils.

It was
difficult for her, praying with her family when she didn’t feel the
same way they did, uttering empty words. It was hard listening to
her family thank god for good fortune and ask god for guidance
during bad fortune. Marie believed life was what you made of it.
She believed in free will, not a pre-determined path set out for
you by god.

She tried to
be patient and understanding with her family, but this was
difficult when she couldn’t imagine believing what they believed,
as fiercely as they believed it. Her lack of faith in god resulted
in an even larger lack of faith in her parents. Her act had left
her feeling like they were merely strangers, for when she was with
them, she was never truly herself, just her idea of what they
wanted in a daughter.

As they
pulled up to Ryan’s house, it seemed the party was already in full
swing.

They had,
after all, decided to come at the last minute, and it was already
nearly 11pm.

Jessica
parked her car a few houses down next to a bright red dodge with a
trunk filled with crates of beer. The balmy night and the sounds of
music and high spirits suddenly filled Hannah with boundless,
almost childish, exhilaration.

Maybe this
was the place. Maybe this was the school
.

Maybe here
she would make real friends. Maybe here she would be a part of
something she could cherish for the first time in her
life.

A garden pot
was propped against the front door to keep it open and the girls
hopped over it as they made their way inside.

The party was
like something from a movie. There were people everywhere, crammed
into every crevice of Ryan’s house.

Three kegs
stood in the corner of the living room, a short chubby girl was
being held up by three burly juniors while the surrounding students
chanted, “
Keg stand
!”

On the nearby
couches half a dozen sophomores were sharing a very large
cigarette. Cigarette? Cigar?
Marijuana
? Hannah gulped.

In the
kitchen a tanned Latino junior was mixing drinks in a cocktail
shaker, serving them to a group of giggling girls who were watching
him giddily.

On the
kitchen counter behind him, a fish tank had been filled with all
manner of liquids, and students were filling their red cups with
the murky brown drink and chugging it quickly, their eyes pressed
shut in repulsion.

A dozen
people sat around the dining table, which had a deck of cards
spread in a circle around a large jug in the centre. Three of them
were already sat in their underwear, their clothes hanging casually
off of the dining room chairs.

There she
was
. Hannah had wondered if she’d be here.
Of course she would, what kind of party would it be without Kennedy
Blakewood. She was a vision as always in a lacy cream dress, a pale
denim jacket and light pink ballerinas.

Her skin
glowed seraphically in the low lighting of the room. She was
smiling alongside Brooke and several boys from the Varsity football
team, who all seemed to glance at her, spellbound, as she
laughed.

Her hair fell
down to the middle of her back, its pale blondeness adding to her
ethereal beauty. She stood out amongst the other girls, dressed in
tight dresses, their padded cleavages spilling out, painful heels
strapped to their throbbing feet.

Music was
booming deafeningly from what felt like all directions, and
everywhere Hannah turned she was visually assaulted by someone
throwing up in their hands or a couple pressed up against each
other, oblivious to the world.

This party
was absolute sensory overload, and she loved it.

The three
girls maneuvered their way through the crowd of drunken frolickers
to the kitchen, where they each picked up a red cup and dipped it
into the questionable nearly black substance that smelt like
cleaning fluid. They glanced at each other, each daring the other
to drink it first.

Finally
Hannah yelped, “one, two, three!” and poured the drink into her
mouth, coughing and spluttering as it burnt her throat. Her eyes
began to water but she laughed through the tears as she watched her
new friends shrivel in disgust at the toxic beverage.

They shimmied
on to the dance floor and Hannah had never felt so alive and so
normal, dancing to a song she loved, with friends, just laughing
and having fun.

When beads of
sweat started to erupt across Hannah’s forehead, she nodded to the
kitchen and the trio shuffled over to the fish tank for another
swig of the worst tasting drink of all time.

Hannah led
them, grabbing hold of her friend’s hands and pulling them through
the crowd. Suddenly, someone shoved her hard and she nearly toppled
over. She pushed back angrily, yelling, “Watch it!” at the broad
figure who had fallen on to her. He turned to face her as she
shouted at him.

He was a tall
broad boy with messy brown hair and warm hazel eyes. He must’ve
been a senior. He looked too old to be anything else.

Hannah could
imagine he would’ve been very handsome in any normal circumstance,
but at this instance his face was shaped into a fierce snarl and he
was glaring down at her, his face red with rage and his teeth
grinding together.

“
Did you just
fucking
push
me?”
He shouted at her, lowering himself to her level so he could look
her in the eyes while he said it. Hannah wasn’t quite sure how to
respond.

“
You pushed
me first…” she said accusingly, unsure of how angry to
sound.

“
If I want to
push you, I’ll push you. What the fuck are you going to do about
it?”

“
You’d have
to be pretty pathetic to hit a girl, you jackass!” Hannah yelled
back before she could stop herself.

“
Who the hell
are you? Do you know who the fuck I am? You
stupid bitch
! You
fat ugly whore
!”

He rushed
forward, raising his arms, but two of his friends who had appeared
out of nowhere restrained him at the last second.

“
Hunter,
chill out, come on man,
relax
!” a golden-haired boy was
shouting in his ear, barely containing Hunter in his arms, “Please
Hunter, come on!”

Hunter
stopped struggling and lowered his arms, turning his back on
Hannah. He dropped his head.

“
I’m sorry
man… I’m sorry…” his friend patted his shoulder
consolingly.

“
Is this
because of Homecoming? Don’t worry about it… Come on…” He started
to lead Hunter away, but then turned back to Hannah and her
friends.

“
I recommend
you guys get the fuck out of here for your own safety. Hunter’s
wasted and I can’t promise he’ll behave if he sees you
again.”

He looked the
three of them up and down, “Who invited you guys anyways?
Were
you even invited?”
He asked quickly, squinting at them suspiciously. But it was more
to make a point than actually ask a question, and he soon turned
back to Hunter and disappeared into the crowd.

Hannah stood
there, not sure whether she should laugh or cry. She felt all
shaken up inside. She was more shocked than upset, her stomach felt
hollow and her hands were jittering.

“
Who the hell
was that?” she whispered to Marie under her breath.

“
Meet Hunter
Campbell” she replied slowly, as if she still wasn’t sure if it was
safe to speak, “If you’re lucky you’ll never speak to him again.
Come on, let’s get out of here.” And before Hannah could protest
about ‘staying to make a point’ both her friends led her out of
Ryan’s house and back to the car as fast as they could, peering
over their shoulders worriedly.

“
If you’re
ever in a situation like that again Hannah, don’t ever
ever
answer back. You do
not want to mess with that guy. He beat up my older brother a few
years ago even though my brother was a senior at the time and
Hunter was a freshman. My brother was in hospital for two
days.”

All the light
heartedness of the evening had disappeared now as Marie peered into
her eyes earnestly, pleading to Hannah to never allow herself to be
in such a position again.

10.

“
Look who it
is…” Matt heard a deep voice boom from behind him.

His stomach
flipped unpleasantly.

He pressed
his lips together and tried to enter his locker combination
shakily.

“
Hey
loser…
”

The lock
slipped out from between Matt’s sweaty fingers. He closed his eyes,
trying to calm himself.

Suddenly he
felt someone tug his school bag and he stumbled back.

Hunter pushed
him up against the wall of lockers ferociously.

“
Don’t ignore
me you little bitch. Give me your lunch money,
now
!”

Matt stared
down at the floor.

“
I don’t have
any money…”

“
Bullshit!
” Hunter interrupted,
“Don’t lie to me…” he threatened, shoving him against the lockers
again. Matt’s head snapped back, colliding loudly with the locker
door behind him.

“
Please just
let me go” Matt whispered.

“
You going to
go running to Mommy again?” Hunter sneered, “Give me your money you
faggot!”

He waited
several seconds and when Matt didn’t respond he pulled his
schoolbag off his back, unzipped it and dropped its contents on to
the linoleum.

Textbooks,
binders, a calculator that’s screen cracked on impact, lay
scattered.

A few dollar
bills wafted out to the floor.

Hunter threw
the empty bag to one side and picked up the money.

“
What did I
say about you lying to me asshole?” He asked dangerously, waving
the crumpled notes slowly in Matt’s face.

“
Taylor!” he
roared, without taking his eyes off Matt, “help me teach this
Momma’s boy a lesson”.