The Perfection Paradox (26 page)

Hannah
watched her reflection stare back at her from the glass door of the
microwave. She’d never looked so healthy or content.

The dark
shadows under her eyes had disappeared along with the stress and
worries that caused them. Her face was tanned from days spent at
the beach and lake with her friends, a few good books and a picnic
basket meticulously prepared by Marie’s mother.

The sun had
streaked her dull brown hair and it had grown thicker and less
drab.

The microwave
pinged and Hannah pulled the steaming bag of popcorn out with the
tips of her fingers.

She poured
the contents of the bag into a bowl and headed up the stairs to
Jessica’s room.

Jessica and
Marie were sprawled on the large bed, laughing at something that
had happened the day before.

Hannah took
her place between them, plumping up the cushions behind
her.

“
Okay,
ready?” Jessica asked tentatively, Marie and Hannah
nodded.

“
Okay…”
Jessica answered, “season finale, here we go!” as she pressed play
and the familiar credits flashed across the screen.

Every Friday
night, the girls would meet at Jessica’s house and watch an episode
while gobbling on pizza and microwave popcorn. It had become a
tradition, the first tradition Hannah had ever had.

School had
ended several weeks ago for the seniors and the girls had passed
the time until graduation together, going on road trips to nearby
towns in Jessica’s car.

They’d spent
afternoons drinking iced tea on the terraces of quaint bars tucked
away into quiet side streets and roaming second hand bookstores and
thrift shops lazily.

She cast her
mind back to that morning, when the cherry on the cake of a
fantastic senior year had occurred.

Hannah had
been lying in a state of sleepiness, her feet peeking out the end
of her too-small camp bed.

She should
get up, it felt late, but she was so comfortable and
warm.

The disused
phone that hung from a single nail next to the fridge rung
suddenly, its shrill tones waking Hannah from her peaceful slumber.
She stirred restlessly.

She heard her
mother answer it, “Hello, Crystal Hodge here…” she muttered
unsurely.

“
Hannah? Yes,
let me fetch her for you…”

Hannah was
out of bed before her mother could knock on her door.

“
There’s
someone on the phone for you…” she explained, clearly confused, no
one had ever called the house before.

Hannah
hurried to the phone, which was dangling precariously from its
eroding wire cord.

“
Hello, this
is Hannah speaking...?”

“
Good morning
Hannah
”

A
distinguished deep voice she didn’t recognize.

“
This is
Phillip Blakewood speaking”

…

Blakewood?

Kennedy’s
father? Brother?
Secret
husband
?

Hannah said
nothing.

“
My daughter
informed me that you expressed a keen interest in attending
college, but faced some unfortunate obstacles” he coughed
awkwardly, obviously unsure of how best to verbally cushion her
family’s poverty.

“
Well, my
secretary got in contact with the college admissions counsellor at
Rosewell regarding your academic records and teacher references,
and based on those I would like to offer you this year’s academic
scholarship, provided in full by Blakewood & Co., to a
university of your choice.”

Whatever
Hannah had been expecting Kennedy’s father to say, it definitely
hadn’t been that.

She felt her
stomach squirm excitedly, mimicking the sensation you get when you
loop upside down on a rollercoaster. She clutched her hand to her
mouth.

“
Are you
sure?” she asked in disbelief, “Hannah Hodge? You’ve definitely
called the right Hannah?”

Mr Blakewood
chuckled to himself, “Yes Miss Hodge, you’re
definitely
the right
Hannah”

Tears blurred
Hannah’s vision and streamed down her face.

Finally
something was going
right
for her.

Finally she’d
been given a chance to be something
more
.

She’d been
given a future.

All thanks to
that beautiful kind-hearted girl who had taken the time to mention
Hannah to her father even though she had absolutely nothing to gain
from it, even though her perfect world would go on turning whether
Hannah went to college or not.

“
Thank
you,
thank you so much
” Hannah stammered through the tears “and say thank you to
Kennedy from me”

“
I will Miss
Hodge, have a good day” and Hannah hung the phone back on its hook.
She couldn’t believe it.

She was going
to college.

31.

The coral
tiles of Taylor’s patio might as well have been red-hot
coals.

Hunter winced
as he hurried on tiptoes to the sun lounger his towel was sprawled
across. He dropped onto it, sighing in relief.

He poured a
dollop of sun cream into the palm of his hand, rubbing it over his
broad shoulders. The cracked skin on his knuckles stung as the
ointment taunted them. Hunter grimaced as they burnt.

“
Hunter?” he
heard someone shout behind him, but he was clumsily trying to scoop
the sun cream out and away from his raw wounds.

“
Hunter?” the
voice called again, more insistent this time.

“
What?”
Hunter snapped ferociously,
turning to face the voice, the sharp pain withering away at his
already short temper.

Ryan gazed at
him warily for a second, “I was just wondering if you wanted a
beer…” he explained, the unsure tone of his voice filled Hunter
with guilt for a moment before he shook it off.

“
Bring me
two” he demanded darkly, the sun cream was still agitating his
cuts. In one fell swoop he hit the sun cream bottle with all his
force and its plastic casing cracked on the paving stones,
spattering its creamy contents all over the sizzling
patio.

He leant back
on the lounger, stretching a hand across his eyes, shielding them
from the blistering May sun. There was no breeze, just stifling
heat that hit him over and over again in waves, drowning
him.

Where was
Ryan with his fucking beer? He shifted uncomfortably; the sweaty
skin of his back clung to the plastic lounger stickily.

Finally, Ryan
strolled towards him, a bottle in each hand.

“
Took your
time…” Hunter snapped scathingly, snatching the bottles from his
hands.

Ryan took a
seat at the foot of the sun lounger. Hunter had to pull his legs up
to make room for him, grunting with discontentment.

“
So… what are
you going to do now? Now that you can’t play football?” Ryan asked,
his voice sounded a tad forced, and he stared out across Taylor’s
garden as he asked it, avoiding eye contact.

“
Ryan,
really?” Hunter demanded impatiently, “everywhere I go everyone
keeps asking me… have you not heard any of my answers? Has it ever
occurred to you that maybe I’d like to go thirty fucking seconds
without discussing football or the future…?”

Ryan didn’t
move, but his face said it all. He recoiled.

“
Sorry man,
it was just a question… I didn’t realize….”

“
Just stop.”
Hunter interrupted, his face shuddering with impatience. He
bristled at Ryan’s presence.

There was an
awkward silence that seemed to last a lifetime.

“
How’s
everything with Kennedy?” Ryan enquired again, re-plastering an
eager smile across his handsome face.

“
Are
you
trying
to
piss me off Ryan? I don’t want to talk about her. Just shut your
mouth and go away. I want some peace and quiet…”

Ryan’s
patience had reached the end of its tether. Hunter could see it as
he got to his feet, narrowly avoiding the spilt sun cream and
shaking his head disapprovingly when he saw it.

“
You want
some peace? You’re at a barbecue with your friends Hunter, what did
you expect?”

He raised his
hands and stretched his fingers out in front of him, his palms pale
in comparison to his tanned arms. “I’m done man…”

Hunter glared
after him bitterly, cursing under his breath.

He wouldn’t
even be here if the Ryan and the other boys had had their way, the
barbeque had been arranged secretly, low voices whispering under
their breath, anxious side glances at Hunter.

He’d known
something was going on.

Eventually
he’d coaxed it out of Ryan, who despite his betrayal couldn’t look
him in the eye and lie.

The truth had
vexed Hunter, he was their
leader
, their
alpha male
, how could they be
foolish enough to arrange anything without him?

Hunter had
put his doubts to one side, telling himself they’d forgotten in
their haste, that there had been a miscommunication, but at the
back of his head uncertainty gnawed away at his resolve.

They didn’t
want you here
, a little voice whispered,
he shook his head wearily, trying to drive the voice away.
You’re not the alpha male anymore. You’re
slipping and falling. They’ll be out of your grasp soon
enough.

Hunter
glanced across the garden to where three of the boys had gathered
around Ryan’s lounger, smiling fondly at some mischievous tale he
was sharing. His eyes narrowed furiously.

He’d forced
himself to come, to take his place, be the leader he once was. But
as he tried so hard to be the boy he’d once been, he realized how
much it had all changed, how strange and uncomfortable he felt in
his own skin. The boys didn’t look at him the way they had, the
admiration had trickled from their faces leaving only fear, and
amid the braver ones who knew him a little better,
hostility.

The light
hearted jokes and cocky confidence that had come so easily before
felt forced now, like he was some pretender, some fraud, trying to
imitate the Hunter that had been, but never getting it
quite right
.

It made him
angry more than anything. The only reason those boys were anyone
was because of him. He’d been the only one strong enough, confident
enough, to do what had to be done. He had forged the path, he had
led them to the top, they had merely followed his lead when they
knew the way was safe.

The
resentment boiled up inside him, and he had to calm himself or he
would’ve run from the place, knocking down as many of his
‘
friends’
as he
could manage in his rage.

He did leave
eventually, but with no furore or wrath.

The other
boys chatted and japed and chuckled and Hunter felt even further
from them with each passing minute, like a shipwrecked sailor,
drifting further away from the only island in sight, his short
hysterical floundering no match for the strong constant
current.

It had been
at least an hour since anyone had bothered speaking to him. He
threw his towel over his shoulder and gathered up his belongings,
his feet numb to the scorching tiles that had burned the soles of
his feet only a few hours before.

The pain felt
distant. He’d detached himself from it, like so many other
things.

Another type
of pain was raging in his head, a pain that blinded everything
else.

His mind
raced and panic filled him, everything seemed to be moving too
slowly, his hands, his legs, his car, only his brain seemed to have
gone into overdrive.

He needed to
regain control, he needed everything to be as it was, for everyone
to be twisted around his little finger as they’d once
been.

Kennedy. He’d
go to Kennedy. She was all he had left.

His last
hope.

“
Did I ever
really stand a chance?” Hunter pleaded angrily, grabbing his head
in his hands and shouting out in frustration.

Kennedy
stared inscrutably at the floor, tucking her golden hair behind her
ear.

“
Hunter, I
didn’t think I led you on, nothing happened between us, I wasn’t
flirty or forward, I just
don’t
feel that way about you.”

The words
burned into his skull.

The pain was
excruciating.

Hunter turned
and punched the cement wall behind him violently.

“
Why. Won’t.
You. Love. Me
?” he raged, a strike for
every word.

His knuckles
left a dark red patch on the cracked concrete.