Chapter 14
I was silent on the ride home, suppressing the urge to cry, or just tell Caesar to stop the car and find a bus and use my last to get a cab to take me home to the hotel.
“Why you so quiet, babe?”
I didn't respond. My heart was aching. I knew sooner or later his parents, well, his bitch-ass mom, was going to make him get rid of me, dump me like I was some trash. I don't think my feelings had ever been as hurt as when she said that shit to me out on the balcony. The words wouldn't leave my head. All I could do was walk away and find Caesar, tell him my head was hurting, and that I needed to get back home.
“I'm just sleepy,” I said in a quiet voice. “Well, go ahead and take a catnap. I'll wake you when we get there.” I closed my eyes, but I couldn't sleep. In fact, I didn't sleep at all that night.
And, yeah, Caesar's mom damn sure wasn't playing when she told me to stay the hell away from her son. I went to the café the next day, and it was closed. Not knowing where else to go, I walked home, only to find Ceasar pacing in front of his car, which was parked outside my room.
When he caught sight of me, he walked up to me quickly and hugged me. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
He pulled away and looked me over. “You hungry?” Before I could even respond, he snatched my arm, ushered me to his car, and sped down the street, not even giving me time to snap on my seat belt. Then he pulled into the park and parked, all done in five minutes.
I was almost scared to ask him what was wrong, but I had a feeling that I knew what it was about.
“Mama is really tripping, Cashmere.”
My heart started pounding. I knew it.
“She has it in her silly, materialistic head that you're not girlfriend material. She also gave me an ultimatum.”
Now I wasn't born in Laden Heights, or even too old. Still, I knew what that word meant. Mama gave those to Daddy all the time. Either take her out, or get no pussy. Buy her a purse, or get no pussy. Put some money in her hand, or get no pussy. Yeah, the word placed a sinking feeling in my stomach.
“What was the ultimatum?”
“Get rid of you or lose my café.”
I figured which one he chose, and it damn sure wasn't me. I couldn't hate on him for his choice. He'd be a fool to pick my poor ass. I had no family and probably no future. Thinking this way, I guess you could say, logically made my eyes tear up even before he got his next words out.
“So I guess you gonna have to find another job.”
Man, did it make me smile to hear that.
“My mom is crazy if she thinks I'm giving you up. She's just a snob who let money rule her head. Either way, nothing is going to stop me from seeing you, Cashmere.” He tucked his hands in his front pockets, looked at the ground then back at me. “ 'Cause I love you. And, Cashmere, I don't give a fuck that you stripped, that your mom is gone, that your sister is what she is. And I feel that you care about me just as much as I care about you. And I do want to take care of you, baby. And in time I will. It's just I can't offer you much now, but my heart.”
I reached over and rubbed my knuckles across his cheek, and he kissed the inside of my palm.
So all his dumb-ass mama did was bring us closer.
We spent a lot of time together during that time. But time was also ticking, and he would be leaving soon to go to Grambling. He was on speaking terms with his father but still wasn't speaking to his mother, who used to blow his cell phone up, but he never answered. He took me all over the place, Disneyland, Magic Mountain, bowling, to the movies. He would even offer me money, which I didn't really want to take, but necessity made me, so I could get Desiree off my back.
Desiree stopped selling drugs too. How she was racking in dough, I didn't know, but we had just moved to a much nicer hotel, that's for sure.
After another day of fun at a golf course, Caesar helped me out of the car and followed me to our room.
I turned, gave him a big hug.
“What do you wanna do tomorrow?”
“Oh Lord, look at the fucking lovebirds,” Desiree said, a blunt dangling from her lips and she was smiling. She never smiled when she saw me with Caesar 'cause she was too busy hating on me.
“Well, I got some news for y'all. Now I got a boyfriend too. In fact he's taking me out shopping tomorrow.”
The look I gave her told he I didn't give a shit.
Caesar gave me a quick kiss, promised to pick me up tomorrow, and rushed off. For some reason, he always rushed off when Desiree was around.
“Bye.” I waved to him and turned back to Desiree. “Get your ass out my way, Desiree.”
Chapter 15
As time wound down and Caesar had only a couple days before he left, I was starting to really stress. Despite how cool I had been that past month, knowing damn well he was leaving now, it was getting to me. I was about to lose him and I was mad at myself for being sad. He was doing the best he could by me. But, shit, I loved him. Because of my age, it may have been puppy love but, this puppy love was killing me, just like the thought of not seeing him again.
“Where the fuck is he?” I yelled out loud as I stood outside me and my sister's hotel room.
A husky voice said, “Right behind you.”
I turned around quickly and shoved him playfully. “Boy! You scared me.” He pulled me in his arms. “Everything okay, babe?” I tried my best not to cry yet again like a punk. I pulled away and turned my back on him. “When you leaving?”
“Remember I told you my plane leaves on Friday.”
Shit, today was Wednesday. “Guess I forgot,” I mumbled.
Truth was, I was hoping he'd say something like, the semester was pushed back, which sure as hell wasn't possible. Or that his flight was cancelled, and every other flight going to fucking Georgia. Or, fuck it, he just smack-dab wasn't going to go. But I'm glad he didn't say any of this 'cause I knew my ass was being hella selfish to continue to not want him to go, when this was about his future and he wanted to go. If the shoe was on the other foot, would my ass just up and forget about cosmetology school for him? Hell yes! Sadly, I can say I was a sucker for love.
“You know this is going to be hard as hell for me, Cashmere.”
“What?”
“Leaving you.”
“Look, you been dreaming about going off to college and pledging since forever, right? So don't trip. I'll be all right. Plus, you gotta make your dad and momâ”
“Fuck her!”
Damn, he rarely cursed
. “Proud. And don't say that 'cause, no matter what goes down between us, she will always be your mother.”
He shook his head. “After the way she treated you?”
Yeah, the bitch was pretty cold, but I chalked it up to her loving her son and wanting the best for him. And maybe it wasn't for the best that we be together.
“I wish I could take you with me.”
“I wish I could go.”
“Listen.”
I faced him.
“I know this is a lot to ask you, being that we're going to be thousands of miles away from each other, and you being out here and being as pretty and smart as you are. Promise me you won'tâ”
“I won't shit. I should be worried about you with all them older country-fed heiffas who going to beâ”
“Ten of them couldn't measure up to Cashmere.”
That's when I made a choice. I grabbed Caesar by his hands and pulled him into the hotel.
I was shaking when he stripped me of my clothes, but when his lips were on me, my nerves disappeared and was replaced with a need to make love to him.
I stood before him in my panties and bra. I closed my eyes and waited to feel his lips on mine. They were soft and demanding at the same time. He sucked on my bottom lip and slid his tongue inside. I rubbed mine against his. His mouth dipped down to my neck, where he placed more kisses. He then pulled the right strap down so one of my breasts was exposed, and he caressed it with his hand and placed more kisses there, before taking my nipple in his mouth.
My breath quickened. “Ahhhhh,” I moaned
. Sorry, Daddy.
Caesar led me to the bed and laid me down. Towering above me, he slid my bra and panties off slowly, asking, “Cashmere, are you sure you wanna do this?”
“Yes, I'm sure. No, I'm not! Yes, I'm sure.”
“Okay.” He chuckled.
“
Save yourself for your husband, baby. You got a flower down there and ain't no man worthy of that, but your husband.
” Those were Daddy's words. I shook my head, tried to focus on Caesar.
“You know you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen.”
Daddy's words entered my head again. “
You pretty, baby, but you gonna look a whole lot prettier in white than off-white.
” I lowered my lashes, trying to forget that thought as well. “Thank you.”
Caesar stood there and admired me. His hands traced the outline of my body, making me quiver, before he took off his clothes and joined me.
“
You got a flower down there.
”
I shivered when his tongue dipped further to my belly, where he placed more kisses. He was treating my body so gentle, it was almost like I was a baby. He split my legs open and placed his head there.
“
Stay pure and innocent. Unless he swore before God, you don't owe him nothing below the knees, baby.
” Fuck! That was Daddy's voice again.
Caesar split my legs open and placed his head there. Desiree was right! Having a man go down on you is some pleasurable shit. But it did get sloppy, 'cause shit must have been new to Caesar too, 'cause he had slobber all over me.
The voice in my head came back. “
Baby, before you do it, ask yourself, is he worthy? Will he love you for a lifetime? If it takes even a second to answer, baby, you making a mistake.
”
Then the shit felt bad. As his mouth loved me down there, his hands reached up and massaged my breasts and my nipples became so hard. It felt good again. Everything he was doing felt so good, all I could do was moan, my legs curled around his neck.
“
Keep your doors closed, Cashmere.
” Fuck!
My hands were buried in his head as he kissed the lips, blew on my clit, and glided his tongue around my pussy in a circular motion. He dipped his tongue further in the folds, causing my legs to tighten around his neck. He covered my body with his and curled his strong arms under my legs, so I was positioned carefully.
“This may hurt a little, but I promise, the pain will disappear quickly.”
I nodded.
“
Save yourself for your husband.
”
When his penis was positioned at my opening, I took a deep breath. Then when I closed my eyes and waited for the pain, I saw Daddy looking at me. It wasn't Caesar. What the fuck? “Stop!”
“You okay?” he asked, looking down at me.
I pushed him off of me and covered my face with my hands and said in a muffled voice. “I can't, Caesar. I can't do this. I wanna”âyeah, 'cause the way this boy was making me feel? Woooâ“but I promised Daddy . . .”
Annoyance was on his face. It wasn't like the Caesar I was used to seeing. Nothing I ever did made him angry.
But he said, “Okay,” and began to get dressed. He slammed out the hotel room with, “I'll see you tomorrow.” And that was it.
I knew I'd made a mistake. I should have gave my man some. But what about what I promised Daddy?
I figured out what I could get as a going-away gift for Caesarâa sketched portrait of myself. Now, I would have preferred to get one painted, but I wasn't rolling like that. A sketch was all that I could afford. I remember they were doing them at the pier he took me to in Long Beach one day, but I was too busy stuffing my face on a chocolate-covered ice cream cone to want to go and get it done. Plus, the line to get it done was long as hell, so we said next time. And it wasn't expensive either, only about twenty bucks.
I skipped school that day and took the long bus ride there to have it done. I asked Desiree if she wanted to come, but her dumb ass wouldn't get up. She was sleeping the day away, I guess, because she got in late from her date with her so-called boyfriend, whom I still hadn't seen. And judging from Desiree's taste, case in point, our uncle-in-law, I didn't want to see him.
Once the bus dropped me off and I walked to the pier, I prayed the dude that sketched the portraits was there. He was sitting there twittering his thumbs because he didn't have any customers. Cool. I damn near ran up to him. The funny thing was, the dude could draw, but he was blind in one eye. Crazy. He had pictures of Tweety Bird, Goofy, and sketches of celebrities like Elizabeth Taylor, Janet Jackson, James Dean, and Tupac hanging up in his little corner of the pier.
“Sketch me please,” I told him.
He snatched my twenty from me. “Sit there.”
I did and I pulled my hair back from my face, but the damn wind was blowing it right back.
“Don't move.”
I tried to give him my best smile ever, like I was auditioning for a Kool-Aid commercial. But the thing was, every time I thought about what I was doing and why I was doing it and who I was doing it for, my eyes got shiny with tears, but none of them dropped, though. My leg twitched as I tried my best not to drop my facial expression.
In about fifteen minutes, he gave me my sketch. The tears showed on the picture, stuck in the corner of my eyes like little diamonds.
“Damn, you couldn't have drawn around them tears?” I snapped, gesturing toward the picture.
He shrugged. “You didn't say.”
“Draw another one.”
“You have more money?”
I sucked my teeth. “No, I don't.”
“They make you look more beautiful. Real.”
“Kiss my ass,” I huffed out as I walked off.
I had to admit the whole bus ride home that the picture did look good. It was like someone took a picture of me. I hoped Caesar would not only like it, but put it in his room and say, “That's my girl, Cashmere.” And if any other chicken thought about stepping to my man, they would see my picture and step.
I rushed to our hotel door to show the picture to Desiree. I knew Caesar would be there soon.
I was out of breath when I made it to the halfway open door. But as soon as my eyes focused on what was taking place in the room through the crack in the door, I was horrified and frozen. Desiree was buck-ass naked and moving on top of Caesar, who was just as naked as she was. And she was moaning like I was moaning the night before, rocking back and forth on him. He flipped her over and was riding her like I should have let him ride on me. Then, maybe this shit wouldn't have happened.
“You giving this big-ass dick to my sister, huh? Can she handle it like I am?”
I felt powerless, like my ass was gonna straight pass out. Tears burned beneath my eyelids. My breath came out in pants, and my legs felt like jelly beneath me. The picture dropped from my hand before I screamed, “You bitch! You punk-ass muthafucka!”
They saw me standing there. Caesar's eyes widened, and Desiree, that bitch, smirked. Caesar tried to jump from the bed and go after me, but I was too fast.
I ran outside and spotted his car. I picked up a rock and threw that shit right in his window and shattered the glass. Then I spat on it over and over. I wished I had a key to scratch it. Instead, I took my foot and continued to kick the car until I dented up the sides. Then I ran off, just as he managed to get his pants on, the image of them fucking still in my head, making me cry.