The Pathfinder Project (22 page)

It was therefore extremely
unfortunate that, on this, the first of many resupply missions,
one member
of the crew chose to ignore the quarantine process and deliberately slipped a
few of the mineral rocks into the pocket of his flight suit
. The
Brotherhood spy hidden among the crew knew that he would be searched before
leaving the hangar bay, but was not the least bit concerned, since he
remembered that those procedures were set up to handle carelessness and not a
deliberate effort at deception. He had gone through the drills, was trained in
proper procedure, and certified by ship’s security as a deckhand specialist. He
was very confident that he would still be able to smuggle the small rocks back
to his quarters. And everyone knew that unrefined ore of this type was usually
unstable. He visualized the
Pathfinder
’s configuration in his mind and
began reviewing possibilities as to just where a small, well-placed explosive
device would do the most damage.

Revenge would soon be his
trophy to claim on this journey.

*    
* * *     *

Thomas Roh had spent an
unbearable two weeks trying to adjust to his new medication in the privacy of
his quarters. The lack of something,
anything
to do was driving him nuts
and he had tried everything he could think of to settle down and make himself
feel useful again. Adam had been by during the morning hours to visit for a few
minutes before his duty shift started. He had encouraged Thomas to get out and
about for a bit… perhaps to try one of the restaurants on their passenger deck.
He had refused, still too ashamed to go out and let people see him after his
perceived failure. It was almost noon now and so far this day he had
accomplished
nothing
.

Once again the younger Roh
settled down in the easy chair behind his desk and attempted to read. His
complete inability to concentrate on written text for any length of time was
really frustrating him, particularly when he could normally buzz through a
tremendous amount of reading material and absorb the vast majority of it with
his near photographic memory in a few short hours.

The medication that Dr. Simmons
had given him helped him sleep for the first week or so, but it had clouded his
mind. The sharp focus and ability to concentrate that had always been a key
factor in Thomas’ ability to do work was completely disrupted, and – after ten
days of trying unsuccessfully to regain his ‘normal’ mental faculties the young
man had simply made the decision to
stop
taking the medication
altogether and take charge of restoring himself to his original, undamaged
condition. After all, he reasoned, no one could
order
him to take
medication that everyone admitted would have at least some side effects and
impair his normal performance.

Naturally he hadn’t told
anyone. Dr. Simmons had checked in on him almost every day for the first week.
After she was satisfied that he was sleeping okay, she had simply given him a
prescription for the three types of pills that he was supposed to take
regularly and requested that he notify her if there were any side effects. Side
effects, he thought grimly to himself. The anti-depressant alone had been
sending him to the toilet twice an hour every time he finished eating a decent
meal, not to mention the dizziness and the morning dry-mouth.

But things weren’t working out
quite like he had anticipated. He had still been able to put on a normal facade
during his morning visit with Adam, but things were getting out of control
again. To Thomas’ horror had come the realization that – without the medication
to help him –
he could no longer fall asleep normally on his own
. Once
again he had gone four straight nights without a wink of sleep and his brain
was beginning to feel the effects. Further, the paranoid little voice in his
mind that had plagued him during his dream-like states was becoming more and
more insistent in its claims that he was somehow screwing everything up again.

Thomas had never been angrier
at God or at himself.
Why couldn’t he deal with the anxiety that
99
percent
of the crew were currently handling?
Why was
he
the
one that this was happening to?
Everyone else could fall asleep at night
without pills to help them
. With nothing to do but sit in his cabin and
think about it he had simply confused himself more. His plan to return to work
as soon as possible and resume his duty assignment now seemed like a near
impossible task.

He also knew that Adam had been
dating Nori Andrews for some time, and the lack of romance in his own life also
frustrated him. He was an intelligent fellow, true, but keeping up with Adam
was a constantly moving goalpost that he had found harder and harder to chase
with each passing year. He knew his brother only
seemed
perfect, but he
could not deny the glaring fact that a lot of the social and physical graces
that seemed to come so easily to the elder Roh had always required considerably
more effort from him. He had never understood how some of the things that took
every ounce of his effort and concentration to achieve just seemed to come so
naturally for other people…
especially
Adam.

He had started to cry again.
Tears rolled down his cheeks… yet another reason why he didn’t want the rest of
the crew to see him.
A grown man crying?
What a pathetic display he
was putting on as one of only two Roh representatives on board!
He had to
admit that Dr. Simmons was correct and that no
miracle cure
would be
forthcoming,
so what use was he?
On a ship where everybody was supposed
to contribute as much as possible in order for the ship as a whole to function
properly, what was he going to do – swab the decks? He had already decided that
he was
not
going to be some sort of eccentric shut-in for others to
laugh at… eating the ship’s food and sitting in his quarters just staring at
the walls and ceilings. That was
not
going to happen – not with the few
remaining survivors of his people left on board who were relying on those
scarce and precious resources in order to possibly build a new future.

He stared furiously at the
three bottles of medication sitting innocently on the top of the nightstand
next to his bed. Under normal circumstances it was only five hours until his
evening dose. He was supposed to take one pill from the bottle on the left at
5:00 p.m. and then one pill from each bottle an hour before bedtime. He
repeated the last two words angrily in his head: “
before bedtime”
.

What if he wanted to stay up
and pull an all-nighter studying?

This is no way to live
,
he decided suddenly. He stood up and wiped the tears from his cheeks,
embarrassed by his inability to control his emotions and determined to avoid
becoming yet another problem for Captain Kaufield and his busy crew. His mind
analyzed the problem and came up with a projection as to how far his condition
would continue to deteriorate without sleep.
Four short days this time was
all it had taken and he was already a babbling idiot
.

He puffed up his chest with
pride and remembered that he had mentally assumed responsibility for dealing
with his condition at the moment he decided to stop taking the medication as
prescribed. Without any hesitation whatsoever – he tossed aside the bottle of
anti-depressants and picked up the remaining two bottles. He didn’t swallow all
the pills they contained but he came close… needing another glass of water to
finish the job. That done he laid down on his back and faced the ceiling. He
had come to know it pretty well in the past two weeks and, hopefully after
tonight, he would never have to look at it again. Thomas didn’t remember the
exact point where he finally fell asleep…

…but all of a sudden he was
awake and laying on his back in one of the Medical Ward beds, staring at that
room’s ceiling. He stretched his arms and legs to make certain that he was
still alive and found… to his disbelief…
that he was extremely glad he had
failed in the attempt to take his own life
. Dr. Simmons came in and noticed
that he was awake – he didn’t dare say anything and she picked up one of his
test results, then turned and left the room without saying a word.

I’m sorry
, he tried to
yell at her, but common sense wouldn’t let him say the words.
I’m sorry for
being such a pathetic excuse for a man!
I’m sorry I tried to save the
ship the trouble of caring for me and bungled the attempt!
I’m sorry for
everything!
He found his eyes streaming with tears again and he finished
with a simple,
I’m sorry I didn’t trust you, Doctor
…

Karen came back in and set some
equipment on one of the counters near a sink. She worked for a moment with her
back facing him. Finally, she turned around and pulled up a chair, sitting down
next to his bed. “I just have three questions for you right now, Thomas. Then
I’ll let you rest for the day.”

“Okay,” he said, trying and
failing to hide the shame he felt.

“What would you have done when
we were stuck dead in the water back in our home star system if I had stopped
by, interrupted your CAS testing, and ordered you to help me out with
disinfecting some of my equipment here in the Medical Ward.”

“That’s easy,” he replied. “I’d
have told you that I had Captain’s orders to get the CAS Drive on-line and that
giving orders contrary to his is not your responsibility.” She sat quietly for
a moment and let him think about his answer.

“What if I had offered to take
over your part of the CAS testing while you were gone? That way, no one would
have noticed your absence.”

“Are you nuts …?” Thomas
started to say. “I studied for years just to grasp the basic concepts of CAS,
and you don’t know
anything
about…” He stopped talking at the sudden
realization of just how foolish his actions had been. Another wave of shame
swept through him and he wiped the tears from his eyes, suddenly noticing that
his left hand was bandaged. Again he saw the Doctor looking at him angrily.

“I’ll tell you how your hand
was injured if you really want to know…” she said.

“No, I don’t think that’s
necessary,” he decided.

“Just remember to
thank
your brother later,” she added. “If Adam hadn’t stopped by to check on you when
his shift ended yesterday evening you wouldn’t be here chatting with me right
now.
That’s how close you came to succeeding
, young man!” Karen stood up
and moved the chair back to its original location near the sink. “Final
question,” the Doctor continued. “Adam said that you’ve commented to him on
numerous occasions that you’re not quite the natural athlete that he is… how
you have to stick more to the software programming side of things because
you’re not the type who’s going to make a career out of moving heavy equipment
back and forth.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true,”
Thomas said slowly.

“Well then, that makes your
brain
your greatest asset,” she said quickly. “
So will you please use it from now
on?
As far as I can tell, your little overdose incident hasn’t caused you
any
permanent
damage but we’ll have to let time be the final judge on
that one.”

“
Oh no…
” gasped Thomas
as it occurred to him how big a price he almost paid by dying, and how much
permanent damage he had risked to himself by taking matters into his own hands.
“Oh no…”

“
Oh yes
!” the Doctor
said firmly. “
Do you have any idea just what kind of emotional damage you’d
have done to Adam by taking your own life?
He doesn’t have a lot of family
left, Thomas, and you almost made him live with his brother’s suicide, too. Not
to mention all the friends you’ve made who still care a great deal about your
welfare… even if you don’t think they do.” She stopped in the room’s doorway
and pointed at three brand new bottles on the counter. “I’ve prescribed a
different anti-depressant for you. That one small change should take care of
your loose stool problems after meals. You’re going to stay
right here
in the Medical Ward until I’m satisfied you’ve had two full nights of sleep.
Then you’re going back to your quarters, where you will
stay
until I
think you’re ready for limited duty assignments. And if I hear or see
anything
that makes me believe you’re not following my instructions to the letter…” she
paused for dramatic emphasis. “…I’ll assign one of my staff to stay with you,
as your roommate, twenty-four hours a day and personally make certain you
take
your medication as prescribed. Do I make myself
clear
, mister?”

“I thought you were going to
ask three questions and then that would be it.” Thomas said wryly, smiling
weakly. He expected her to lose control and begin shouting, but she actually
smiled a bit at his joke and it made him feel better.

“Dr. Hagen says that you
haven’t been keeping your appointments. I expect that will change too.” She
disappeared out the door without another word. Thomas leaned his head back deep
into his pillow and held up his bandaged left hand. He had absolutely no memory
of anything that had happened after he had fallen asleep in his quarters, and
he found himself feeling extremely happy about that.

*    
* * *     *

The spy had been in his
quarters for most of the morning and part of the afternoon. It was his day off,
after all. On his desk sat three small dark stones that he had managed to
smuggle back to the room concealed in his mouth. It had actually made him
chuckle how easy it was to simply acknowledge people with a nod instead of the
usual hello and have them pass by none the wiser. He picked up one of the
stones and began scraping powder off of its surface with a letter opener. He
let the powder fall into a small pile on the desk, occasionally pausing for a
brief moment to scrape the dust into a paper envelope.