The Only Ones (12 page)

Remember everybody was squeezing Madhur when she was born? That’s how I felt. Something was squeezing me. “What about
this
Madhur?”

“I give her to you.”

I just went and got Rauden.

“Rini. You really must stop changing your mind.”

You could see some blurry thing shake in the screen. It’s Rini’s shoulders. She is weeping. “I have made up my mind. I have found my daughters.”

“Oh damn you, Rini! Damn you!” Rauden got so mad he almost choked. “I knew something would happen if you went off in the last trimester.”

“What happened is my Fate!”

“What about your other Fate?” I said.

“Fate is what happens!” What happened was, Rini changed her mind. “In my heart I have always known this was not my child.”

“Rini!” I said. “If you take her, she will be.”

I could hear her sobbing. “I feel so responsible. I brought this child into the world.”

I told Rini, “Then keep her!”

Rauden told her, “This is a real child, Rini. Someone must goddamn take her.”

“Inez is not real?”

I go, “Rini! This is a special child! Don’t throw her away on me.”

She goes, “This child is gene for gene your living replica. Now tell me this—if she is gene for gene your living replica, how is she more special than you?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. I was pretty sure she was more special. I just couldn’t explain why.

Janet was very upset. “You just can’t let her take the child.” Janet thought I might do something really stupid. I did too.

Rauden was sitting on a sofa with his head in his hands. He was already exhausted. Now this. He looked ready to pass out.

“Rini!” I go. “If you don’t want this child, at least let someone else have her. Rauden could find someone.”

“Rauden would sell this child,” she goes. “This is not Rauden’s child to sell. I bought this child already! This is my child to give! I do not give this child to just anyone. I give this child to you.”

Rauden said, “Oh shit, oh shit.”

“You made a promise, Inez.” Rini’s voice is booming all over the rec room. “I make a promise too. If Rauden tries to sell the child to anyone else, you will all go to jail.”

Now, I want to say something here. I would never tell my own child I only took her so we won’t all go to jail. But I say this, to you. It’s for her own sake I didn’t want to take her. It’s true I bonded with Ani, but she died, and after that I thought who knows how good I would of been for her, anyhow?

Janet Delize is totally opposed. If I take the child, that’s asking for trouble. If the baby and I were together this increased the danger someone would find out she was, you know. Someone could Alert the Authorities.

Rini heard her. “If you do not do as I say, I will Alert them, myself.”

“Rini!” I just kept trying to change her mind. “How can I keep a child alive?”

But she already changed her mind as much as she is going to. “The way you keep yourself alive. It will work for her the same way it works for you. And I will send you credit.”

Then we lost the connection.

Janet argued, “Rini’s in Delhi. How will she even know what happens?”

Rauden told Janet it wouldn’t work anyhow to just sell the baby and say she was not what she is, because her genes are what people will pay for.

Janet says it’s better to cut a bad deal than end up in jail. If someone else took the baby, just as a regular baby, no one would know her details. No one would ever see the kid and me side by side. If I took her, they would. What if this baby grows up? She is gene for gene my living replica. If she’s living as my daughter, it could show.

Rauden called Henry in Albany. Henry says what does Inez want?

I said I didn’t know. It all happened so fast. All that time trying to make the viable, then all those months in the tank, changing the bags, checking the lights and thermometer and monitor, then whoosh!

Henry said, “Well, I think that used to happen even the regular way. Even when it was planned. You plan and plan, then whoosh! Right, Janet?”

Well, Janet knew what he meant but did not like to agree. She wants us to go to someone named Fergie across the Pennsylvania border. Fergie will see the kid gets a good home.

So Rauden says, well, let’s just look into the situation, and we pack up blankets and bottles and powder Process and get in the truck with Janet holding the baby, but we don’t even get past the gate, because some stranger is waiting there with a paper from Rini’s brother’s lawyer. I didn’t even know Rini had a brother, let alone the brother has a lawyer, which I’m not even sure what a lawyer is. It could be a Toronto thing. Janet thinks it’s a bluff.

But Rauden thought, better take a few deep breaths. So we went back inside and down to the basement. Janet fed the baby again and lay her in the little glass box. Then all three of us stood in the rec room and watched her through the window, sleeping.

“I don’t even know why that poor child was born,” said Janet.

She was six days old and sleeping. Wrinkled and bald. She got the veins all over the great big head. She got the skinny little body in a fuzzy yellow suit. Whoa! What is this? Her little arms and legs go shooting out. She’s spazzing out! Spazz! Then it’s all over. She calms down and twitches.

And she is still alive.

In the end Rauden said, “Just take her. Leave me the ones in the freezers.” Janet and I said no, but he said, “Take her.”

So I did.

I did what Rauden said. I did what Rini said. Look, I never claimed I got any character. I did what people said. Maybe I got it as environmental factor from Edgar Vargas in Queens. Maybe I got it from some other broker. Maybe I got it from Cissy Fardo. Someone told me what to do, and I did it. I’m even letting Rini pay credit for me to bring up my own child. How much character could this poor kid end up with, with an environmental factor like me? I sold Rini my own daughter, even if I didn’t know she was my daughter.

But remember when Rauden said, well it’s hard enough to be a good mother but harder if you’re dead? I had some good points as a mother, and the best one was, I was still alive. My own mother—my birth mother? That was her big problem as a mother. She was dead.

So I did what Rini said. I took her child.

The last time Rini called, I only heard her voice. She was calling somewhere totally without vid. “They are doing as I said?”

I told Rini’s voice, “They have to give her Supplement. Madhur has a weight problem.”

“Who is Madhur?”

I waited. “I thought you want to call her Madhur.”

“The child I want to call Madhur is not your child. Madhur is my child.”

Sometimes I think Ani was the last unplanned child anyone heard of. Madhur was planned. Ani was a kind of accident. We all planned for Rini to have Madhur. Rini’s baby was planned. Mine was not. So because she was unplanned, I had to come up with a name in a hurry. Ani was the only one I had.

We moved into Janet Delize’s temporary. Stay off the Farm, because Farms are always what gets raided first—whether it’s Albany Inspector or K of L or whoever. We could be in real danger, even with Ani out of the tank, looking like a regular baby. But what are we even doing with any kind of baby? Janet really wanted us out of her house yesterday. But we can’t leave until I know how to keep Ani alive. I got to learn the ropes.

Because we made history here. That’s what everybody said. Even Janet knew it.

And maybe something was wrong with it. Maybe it was even a crime against nature. But whatever it was, they want to be sure I don’t do something stupid with it. They were pretty sure I would. I was too.

But one thing I was sure of. I wasn’t going to sell her. Never even crossed my mind. And I can tell you this. I never sold a single part of Ani, ever. Teeth, soma, nothing. Not even fingernails.

So I guess that proves she wasn’t me, right there.

3 T
HE
R
OPES

MY LIFE AS ANI’S MOTHER STARTS RIGHT HERE.

It’s true I knew her from the tank but she was Rini’s daughter then. I still sometimes thought she was. I still sometimes forgot she’s not Madhur.

She was still Rauden’s Project. She used to be my job. She’s not my job now. I don’t get paid. Well, Rini will send credit later. But I’m still going to be the mother. Henry is going to fix up both our swipe IDs to prove it.

They put us in Janet Delize’s basement with cots for me and Janet too till I learn the ropes. They put a cloth on the window so no one could see. They didn’t want anyone but us to know. They’re really worried that if word gets out, there could be a raid from an Inspector, let alone Knights of goddamn Life. They didn’t even try to find a crib for Ani, because that could call attention, if someone happened by. They just put her in a regular box on the floor.

And she was very good.

Janet Delize said so. She slept through the night. Remember when we first looked at Lucas’s tank, Rauden and Henry were like, oh! Violet 4! This is like, oh! Slept through the night! They are worried to say too much on the phone, but this is such a big deal Rauden even tells Henry on the phone. Rauden made history but come on—one week old, still alive, and slept through the goddamn night!

Henry says, well if she sleeps so good, will she miss some feedings? Then everybody worries, oh! Miss some feedings. Well, it’s ok with me. I’m the one got to do the work. I got to learn the ropes. That is the big thing. Learn the ropes. Rauden made history here, and everyone is concerned, could she breathe, could she respond, but the big concern is I’m going to be her environmental factor and do something really stupid. I was concerned too.

Rauden is researching what he calls a Haven, in New Jersey, where Ani and me will be safe and have help and Support, but even so, her main environmental factor is going to be me. She is a Sylvain hardy, and as far as they could tell she’s not getting Luzon, Avian, Typhus, Marburg, Ebola, Polio, TB, Hep A or B or C or D or HIV or HP51 or any of that. But drop her, it’s over.

And watch out for the neck.

When I pick her up, Janet Delize is like, the neck! And watch out for those wrinkles! Clean them really good! The neck! The vagina! Clean them really good! Boil the water you mix the Process in. Boil the nipples on the bottle. Boil everything. Or she could get something. Wrap her up good. She is a Sylvain hardy but do what Janet says.

Remember in the trailer, Rauden was fussing, am I warm? Am I safe? Like, I’m so hardy, be very sure I am ok? Ani’s so hardy, be very sure she stays alive. She is the history Rauden made. And guess who got to pick her up?

Look, this kid spent pretty much her whole life in a tank. She might rather stay in her box. She might even prefer the freezer in the other room in Janet’s basement. She spent a lot of time on ice before she was born. If she prefers the box, or a freezer, I wouldn’t take it personal.

She preferred me. I don’t know what that proves.

Between me and Janet Delize, I’m pretty sure she preferred her. But Janet said, do the feedings, she will bond.

Just get it in the mouth.

You have to hit their back after, or they will get wind. I didn’t even know what that meant. But I don’t have to know. Just do it.

Rauden used to take notes and say she was just like any baby. I had the feeling he didn’t know that much about any baby. He knew baby pigs and cows. Remember Rauden used to say he might be out of his depth? He was out of his depth. We all were.

Even Janet Delize was out of her depth. Like now that it was ok to bond, in fact I was supposed to bond, she would say how much the baby looked like me, then freeze up and said, well! Not exactly like me.

I mean, she didn’t look like me at all. She is red. And wrinkled. Watch out for those wrinkles. Watch out for the neck and make sure she can breathe.

We all spent a lot of time watching her breathe. Henry watched too, now he came down from Albany. Breathe! Well, look at that little belly puffing up! Breathe! It empties out till you can see the ribs. This is regular. Sometimes she puffs in and out fast.

Whoa! Spazz Alert! It is not my fault. It’s regular. Spazz is regular. Green shit is regular. Rauden calls the shit “stool” or “it.” Like, “Her stool can be green, but if it has blood, call a professional.”

“But just a lot of blood,” Janet Delize said. She really rather nobody professional see Ani. Do not call attention. Someone might notice something. Janet calls shit “poop” or “business.” I mean, she will say “stool” but cough first. Clean it off with cloth. Wash the cloth. If you don’t, the kid will hit the roof. Remember the hormone used to send a message, do this or that? If a baby is dirty, she sends a message herself. The way she sends it is, hit the roof. If this kid got a problem, she will hit the roof and if you don’t fix it, she could go totally ballistic.

So clean her. Feed her. Pick her up. Walk her.

Mariah left paper dydees but Janet makes me use cloths and pins so I could learn how it works. You got to wash the cloths.

By the time I was the one doing all this for even two days, Ani stops being so good. She woke up in the night. She starts to cry. Well, I can tell you this. She didn’t get it from me. Maybe I cry once in a while, like from hormones, but this? She cried so hard, you feel as if your head will blow off. It was like a whole human being got inside my head and cried. I don’t think it is about, you know. No one could stand it.

When Ani cried, Janet Delize and even Rauden would get into the picture. They would try anything to stop her crying, and everybody acts like they are the only one who could. They are like, let me handle this, she will stop crying. Let me pick her up. They couldn’t keep their hands off her. Even Rauden. And Henry was the worst! He walked her from his wheelchair! It worked.

Later, when I was back in Queens, I noticed that this would happen with total strangers. Total strangers would tell me what I was doing wrong, how I dressed her, or carried her, or what Zones I carried her to. Maybe they were right. What did I know?

What did any of us know? When she was Madhur and not even born, no one was thinking this far ahead. Keep her alive till she’s born, then it’s Rini’s problem. It’s our problem now. Is something wrong with her? How would we know? Bernie’s in jail. All the other shady OBGYNs disappeared. Rauden could weigh Ani and do bloods, but he was just a DVM. Well, he wasn’t even DVM, Janet said, he just had credits. Lucas didn’t even have credits. But a regular MD could ask questions. Even a shady one might notice something. What if they examine the birth swipe Henry forged? What if they examine me? I wasn’t the Host. I wasn’t the birth mother. Someone might ask for proof she’s mine. Is she me? Well that could be a problem later but for now the main thing is, is she mine?