The One We Feed (12 page)

“That was a
freebie, to cheer you up.” When I finally stifled my laughter, he continued. “Yesterday
we got this envelope in the mail. It had a flash drive in it. The only thing it
had on it was an audio file. Sam’s got it queued.”

“Okay.”

For a while,
there was no sound, then suddenly Karl’s voice issued forth, uncertain and
embarrassed. A far cry from the powerful, supernaturally commanding one he had
once used.

“I know how
strange this is”—he cleared his throat self-consciously—“and how badly you must
want to shut this off immediately and throw the damn thing in a fire, but it
would mean so much to me if you would hear me out. That night…,” he said in a
hush, “something in me changed. I’m sending this as a peace offering, as a
humble plea for forgiveness, but as unwilling as you may be to listen, it is
also a cry for help.

“I need to
reach Lilith.”

My skin
prickled as my name echoed around the cab.

“I know how
much you care for her and how much she was willing to give up to protect you. I
trust your judgment as her closest friends. I ask only that you listen to this
whole message and when you’ve heard it make an honest and unbiased assessment. If
you feel she would wish to hear it too, please, if you would, pass it along. I
am sure you know how to contact her.”

There was a
pause then, as if he had all his words written on thick, watermarked paper and
was rifling through them slowly and deliberately. I could hear each false
start, each tiny gasp.

“Lilith…,” his
voice quavered, and the idea that it did so at my name, made me somewhat silly
with accomplishment, the sweetest of poisons. “I’m not certain what I can say
to you that you do not already know. Frankly, I’m in awe of you. There was a
part of me that somewhere went blind and never knew it. It thrashed around,
thinking the whole world had gone black. When I met your sister, a little spark
of light came back to me. I ran at it full force and that night...it was as if
everything glowed with its own fire. I know it was me, that I was the one who
turned the corner, but it was you who showed me the way, and I need to thank
you.”

Again, his
voice broke. Warmth flooded my body and soothed many doubts. For once, I could
breathe easily.

“I have
questions,” he continued, “and perhaps even answers for you. I have returned to
AMRTA and have taken Moksha’s place. In the past month a tremendous amount of
work has been done to repair old mistakes and put things back onto the path,
your path...his path. I can only extend my hand and say I am willing, if you
will have me. I can only apologize to Sam, Detective Unger, and Jinx and make
my resources available to them if they will take them. I only have that,
because my credibility is gone.”

Not so, my
friend.

“When you can,
when you find that you need to, please contact me. Thank you and please forgive
me.” The speech ended in an abrupt click.

Matt came back
to the phone. “So?”

My smile was
turning into a rather self-congratulatory grin. “He’s telling the truth.”

“What do you
want us to do about it?”

I raised my
head from the steering wheel and rubbed at the flesh with cool fingers. It
smoothed almost instantly. “Take him up on his offer. After all, he owes Sam a
chunk of meat.”

“And pain and
suffering,” Sam growled from the background.

“Gee whiz,
Special Forces….” I laughed. “I’ve been shot loads of times, you wimp.”

“Now, now,
children,” Matt interrupted in good humor. “Do you want his phone number?”

I leaned back
into the chair and shook my head, relieved to know what was coming. “No, we
have other ways of keeping in touch.”

“Brat,” Sam
rasped.

“By the way,”
I replied, suddenly feeling like my old, smart-assed self, “No doughnuts on
your next stakeout. They’re going to give you another heart attack.”

They were
quiet for a moment. I could imagine that trying to keep up with the overlap of
super-talents felt rather like a constant double-take. If one wasn’t careful,
they might get motion sick. I sympathized.

“Oookay,” Matt
finally replied.

“How is
William?”

Matt sighed. “Switched
to Oxycodone, but I’m not sure what good it will do. Isn’t he supposed to be
able to control his brain chemistry?”

My momentary
levity squashed, I closed my eyes. “It doesn’t work that way,” I said, only
just having truly understood it myself. I thought I had figured out my
relationship to the Arhat quickly enough, but only then did I see the
separation between us, the remaining thing that made them feel so alien to me. “They’re
stuck.”

Pills and
blood were but momentary fixes, lasting only as long as it took their efficient
bodies to filter out the effects, because it was their minds that kept them
fixated. The strange quirk of programming that had allowed them to become immortal
would be with them forever. They could probably have tried to meditate around
it, work on self-control until it stopped them from spiraling into madness like
roller pigeons, but then the lust for life would dissipate and their
immortality would end. I wasn’t even sure it
could
be done.

“You’re not.”

And that was
the crux. Arthur had said I was different, even Karl’s scientist had said I was
unique, but no one had said what that
meant
. I didn’t seem to be like
the Arhat, so focused on a single truth or need that all things bowed to it. But
could it be that the
dharma
was my
trishna
? I thought it freed me
from fixation, but what if it was just another road to a padded room?

That would be
ironic.

I had asked
Arthur that very question once, to no avail. “That’s what they say. Something
to do with adapting.”

Matt sat down
at the bar and uncorked a bottle. “And how’d they say you got to be that way?”

I could feel
it coming on again, that deranged, twisted giddiness that eventually led to
glowing red eyes. I willed it back. “Eva. Or me. I don’t know. I think maybe it
was all just an illusion that we were two separate people.” The sound of liquid
sliding down his throat sent a shudder through me, though I couldn’t say why. I
swallowed hard and reached for one of Jinx’s Redbulls but didn’t open it; his
wrath would be unending. “I’m sorry. I’m in a strange mood.”

“No need to
apologize,” he said gently. “It’s perfectly reasonable.”

“Maybe.”

The bottle
clinked against the glass once again. “Be careful, Ninja Girl.”

“Not to hurt
anyone who doesn’t deserve it, right?”

He didn’t
laugh, but I knew he was still amused by me. “Took the words right out of my
mouth.”

“Yeah...I’m
getting good at that.” I hung up without a good bye and swept all my woes into
a tidy pile in the back of my brain. I went hunting, knowing that I would find
Karl because I knew he wanted me to.

When I did, he
was seated at Moksha’s dark wooden desk, stacks of papers before him in pale
folders. He was leaning on one elbow in the glaring sunlight from the glass
ceiling, pen poised to write. Near his right hand sat a coffee mug. In a flurry
of curiosity, I swept toward it, only to discover that it held water, not the
thick crimson liquid I expected I’d find.

“I’ve kicked
the habit,” he breathed and, before I could reply, looked up and found me. “Hello,
Lilith. You got my message, then?”

He was a
different man from the one who had smashed my face into a concrete wall. Gone
was the indistinct hauteur and imperial stare. He had softened and in softness seemed
approachable, even gentle. I could now understand how a man like him had sat at
the feet of the Buddha. As he smiled with his perfect white teeth that had
seemed so like the Cheshire cat’s, I realized how handsome he had been all
along. It had just been warped by some inner toxin.

Much changed.
I marveled at
him.

“You’re a
miracle worker.”

Credit where
it’s due, my friend.

He bowed his
head as if overwhelmed to hear me say such a thing. Then he turned in the
swivel chair and got to his feet.

“I’m so glad
you’ve come. When I looked for you in the
jhana
I couldn’t find you.”

Sorry, I’m
unlisted.

He nodded. “But
I knew if you were anywhere, it would be with one of them. I have something I
want to talk about with you.”

You don’t need
to apologize.

“I appreciate
your forgiveness, but honestly, it’s not that.”

He walked over
to the wall of glass that contained Moksha’s breathtaking view and braided his
fingers behind his back. Below him in the glow of midday, the city sparkled
like the ocean, moving in its own ebb and flow, the line of the river just a
current through its bustling heart. For a moment, I was lost in its rhythm and,
with my mind’s eye blurred, could see that place of meetings, that indistinct
joining of two worlds.

Time and
timeless.

“It’s gone,
Lilith.”

In the fuzzy
contentment of my altered state, I bent my thoughts back on him with an effort.
Paradoxes were so easy to get lost in if you had no other tangible concerns.
What’s
gone?

“My ability
and all…well,” he shrugged sheepishly “…all the things that held me back. I’m
no longer sick. It’s as if none of it had ever happened, as if that slow
decline into insanity never was.”

I think I was
smiling, back in my body. I had to be, because suddenly everything sharpened,
and I knew I was not just experiencing the headiness of the
jhana
. I was
actually
happy for him.

That’s
wonderful! I’m sure the population is enjoying their plentiful plasma and its
many benefits!

He smiled. “I
didn’t drink it that often. Well…, at first. It just seemed to ease….” He looked
away and then back to me. “There’s really nothing that can be said to sum up
how disgusting I’ve been, how vile I seem to myself.”

Hmm. The
Crossroads is an interesting place, isn’t it? Makes it easier to focus when you
know exactly where you come from.

His brows
furrowed. He glanced up at me in obvious confusion, trying to make sense of my
private terminology.

“Crossroads…?”

Something in
my stomach clenched. He should have understood instantly; my word for the place
was perfect, self-explanatory.

“Crossroads?”
he repeated. “What’s that?”

It’s the place…,
I
began, trying to quantify an intangible concept with the clumsiness of
increasing anxiety, each word pulling me away from him,
the place where you
meet your past and make yourself….

He managed a
nervous chuckle. “I’m not sure I’ve gotten there yet.”

But you can’t
be seen! Petula said….

“Petula? How
do you…?”

It was Eva’s
death all over again, her
actual
death, when, in the police room, I
realized that the detective who’d told me of her suicide hadn’t even found out
about it yet.

You can’t be
seen if you’ve gone through Parinirvana,
I insisted.

“Parinirvana?”
he said, dumbfounded. “Lilith, I barely understand what I’m doing right now! I
didn’t know parinirvana was possible until I became certain you were
here
,
in
this
room,
with
me.”

Dazed, I began
to sense the changes in my body, sitting so far away. It was quickening,
tensing, chemicals of discord churning. I didn’t have much time before the
tether between us snapped, and I was tugged back to myself by the force of
reality’s undercurrent.

Then you haven’t
seen the future?

His face had
paled slightly, though he was fighting it. I was frightening him. He’d only
just begun to change, and I was hammering him with nonsensical questions. He
shook his head.

“Is that how
you did it?” His hand lifted and covered the lower half of his face then swept
backward through his dark hair. “All that time, you were seeing the future?”

I jolted
upright in the seat, our perfect bridge forgotten at once, and looked around
me. The sun had risen. Patrons of the hotel were staggering down to the office
for the continental breakfast, yawning satisfyingly.

Above me,
looking down from the railing, Arthur stood. Our eyes met, and in his azure
depths I saw that impossible knowledge that always stayed two steps ahead of
me. It was no longer paternal or charming. Dizzy, I got out of the car and
slammed the door. The frenzy was stirring, each breath bringing me closer to
mental breakdown.

Was I going to
hurt someone else? I almost didn’t care.

“You said I’d
made a Crossroads for him! He can’t be Unknowable without going to the
Crossroads! You told me that!” I tried to keep the emotion from my voice, but I
could feel each and every cell in my body tightening, squeezing the words from
my throat. “You
lied
?”