The Officer and the Secret (10 page)

She looked good. Normal. Like she’d done this a hundred times.

Except she never had. She shook her hands to relieve the pins and needles feeling, to dry the sweat. It was just a first date. No pressure. David was a nice guy, a real sweetheart. It’s why she’d chosen him to begin with. He wouldn’t push, or make her feel uncomfortable, or like she wanted too much.

Unlike someone else she could mention. It still burned to recall the way Dwayne had acted after their kiss.

“Veronica, David’s here!”

Shock. Veronica bit back a giggle at the sarcastic thought. She smiled and stepped out to see David standing at the door, looking almost as nervous as her. In pressed khakis and a light blue button-down shirt, he looked good.

She waited for the tug of excitement, the little jump to her system at the sight of him. But it didn’t come. Maybe some things were simply meant to go slower. She smiled and walked up.

“You look nice.”

“So do you.” He opened the door and smiled. “Are you ready to head out?”

Veronica grabbed her cardigan and purse and stepped out. As they headed to David’s car, he directed her with a hand on the elbow. But nothing. No shiver of reaction, no heat.

Okay, she had to stop analyzing the entire thing, or this whole afternoon would turn into a disaster. And David didn’t deserve that.

Putting on a very cheerful, if a little false, smile, she said, “I’m really glad you agreed to meet with me. We didn’t work together for very long before you left. I was afraid you wouldn’t remember me.”

He closed her door and walked around to get in the car himself. “Of course I did. I was glad you emailed me.” His smile was warm, his eyes matched. But there was no heat there.

This might be a very long afternoon if she couldn’t stop comparing him to Dwayne.

***

“Yeah, I’m getting the order now.” Dwayne waited for the line to crawl forward and gripped the phone tighter. “Well, it wouldn’t take so long if you would just take coffee from the freaking McDonald’s drive-thru like everyone else. But no, you need your special coffee from the one place that doesn’t have a drive-thru. And everyone and their grandma thought today was a good day for coffee.”

“Chill,” Jeremy said on the other end of the line. “I suggested coffee. You didn’t have to stop and get some if you didn’t want to. Leave if the line’s too long.”

“I’m staying now, just on principle,” he grumbled. Twenty freaking minutes already. It was enough to make a guy want to drink. But that was the entire point. He and Jeremy weren’t drinking, at least for the weekend, in Jeremy’s case. It was his way of supporting Dwayne. Just as he’d suspected, ten minutes after their disagreement both had moved on from it. Guys, unlike girls, managed to not drag crap out for another fifteen years. So when Jeremy called Dwayne to hang, he saw it for the peace offering it was and didn’t hesitate to accept.

Another inch put him on the other side of the massive display of international coffee. Still several people back from the line, Dwayne really regretted offering to swing by for drinks before heading over to Jeremy’s for poker night. The coffee better be the best damn thing he’d tasted since…

A long, golden braid caught his eye and he turned automatically, as if drawn to her by some magnetic pull.

Veronica sat at a small table in the corner, elbows on the table, chin in her hands as she listened to her tablemate say something. A guy. A guy Dwayne didn’t recognize.

His fists curled naturally into loose fists before he shook them out. He had no reason to care. She had friends he didn’t know? Big deal.

The guy reached out and touched her arm. Just a quick touch, but it was full of obvious intent. She laughed and didn’t pull back.

“Hey, buddy, the line’s moving.”

Dwayne startled and looked forward. He was a good four feet away from the next person in line. “Sorry,” he mumbled and shifted forward.

He took one last glimpse of Veronica and the guy she was with—still with his damn hand on her arm—and shifted forward. His cell buzzed and he opened it to check the incoming text.

Did you forget how to order? Use sign language. This is taking forever.

Jeremy, busting his ass about it. Again. Like his pissiness was going to make the line move any faster. He shot a text back, something along the lines of getting his panties out of the wad they were bunched in, and shoved the phone back in his pocket. He shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t…

Okay, he looked.

Veronica’s back was still to him, but she’d turned her head slightly, just enough for him to see her profile. She looked happy. Like she was having a good time. And cute. From this angle, he could see she wore a skirt that didn’t hit her ankles. Legs. Despite how short she was, she had a seriously drool-worthy pair of legs. And the smallest feet he’d ever seen. She definitely didn’t look nunnish, like Jeremy would stupidly say. She looked completely normal. Like any woman on a date.

Date. Was that what was going on? Was this a coffee date? But a coffee date wasn’t as big a deal as a dinner-and-movie date; everyone knew that. So it couldn’t be all that serious. Maybe this was their first time out. But how did she know that guy?

Oh, for the love of Christ, he was starting to sound like Needy Chick, the one nobody wanted to date. Veronica wasn’t his girlfriend. She was allowed to see whoever she wanted.

“Dude. Move.”

But if she was dating someone else, why had she kissed him back?

He didn’t have time to think that one through before something hit him square between the shoulder blades. He stumbled hard enough to knock into a display of travel mugs. Instinct had him crouching low and sweeping the area for the insurgent. He took two blind steps forward before his vision cleared enough to remind him he was in a coffee shop in California, not an abandoned building in Afghanistan. No insurgents. Just a pushy bastard who had more impatience than sense.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he growled, crowding the man who shoved him. Suddenly, Impatient Asshole didn’t seem so confident in his decision to push like a second-grader.

“I just, you weren’t moving and I’m tired of standing here and—”

“Dwayne?”

Aw, shit. Just what this whole thing needed. He stepped back quickly, out of the asshole’s personal space, and forced two calming breaths. Only problem with that plan was forcing calm never really worked. He turned, hoping his face looked surprised instead of guilty. “Veronica. Hey, didn’t know you were here.”

The guy behind him snorted, but one angry look from Dwayne silenced him.

“Yeah, we’ve been having coffee.”

Veronica stood on the other side of the displays, and he stepped around it to talk. “We?” Did that sound casual? Or forced?

She turned and waved at the guy from their table. “This is David. We used to work together at Fletchers before he started grad school.”

Dwayne held out a hand, resisting the urge to squeeze a little harder than necessary during their shake. “Nice to meet you. So, uh, I’ll just let you two get on with your, uh… ” And crap. Now he’d left it hanging out there, boxing himself into calling it a date.

“We were just about ready to head out,” she finished for him smoothly.

“Yup.” David nodded once to Dwayne. “It was nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too.” Was his nose growing? “Have a good one, guys.”

Veronica stared at him a moment, but when David placed a hand on her lower back, she turned toward the door. Just before they left, David looked back and said, “I think you lost your place in line.” The front door closed quietly behind them.

Smug bastard. Wait, what did he say? Dwayne turned to see Impatient Asshole already receiving his order. Yup. Line definitely moved on without him.

Dwayne counted to ten, giving Veronica and D-bag time to get out of the parking lot, then stormed out of the shop himself. Jeremy was getting coffee from McDonald’s. And he was going to like it.

“This was fun,” Veronica said, shivering in the car. Why did men always have to keep the interior of their vehicles at such chilly temperatures? There was no way to slip her cardigan on now with her seat belt on. So she would just suffer silently.

“Yeah, it was. We’ll have to do it again soon.”

“Yup. I had fun.” She’d already said that. The urge to beat her forehead against the dashboard until all the awkward fell out was almost too hard to ignore. Why was it such a chore with David? He was so sweet and funny and nonthreatening. So how was it that the entire evening had been a struggle from the beginning?

It
wasn’t like this at all with Dwayne.

Stop
that. It’s not fair. Dwayne’s not even an option, and it’s unkind to compare David to anyone else.

The silence was thick and heavy, and she fought hard to figure out some way to fill it. But nothing that came to mind sounded even remotely good, so she kept quiet until he pulled up to her home. But he didn’t open her door for her, not that he had to. Twenty-first century and all that. No big deal. He did touch her though, in small ways, as he walked her to the front door. On the elbow, small of her back. Brushing their hips together. Little things, whether on purpose or by accident, that reminded her that he was near.

Didn’t matter. It wasn’t giving her any feelings one way or the other. He could have been a Labrador retriever for all the spark she was getting.

As she fished through her bag for her keys, he waited patiently. When she finally found them, she looked up. But surprisingly, he wasn’t giving her a patient smile any longer. He was already leaning in for a kiss.

She waited for the moment of angels singing, for the feeling of
yes, there it is.
For the spark she’d been missing all night.

Nothing. Just warm skin touching, simple contact. Impersonal—on her side anyway. Poor David, he seemed to be trying so hard. But it just… wasn’t there.

She patted him on the chest and he stepped back with her signal. Not one to push, he didn’t advance again. “Can I call you?”

No.

Not fair…

“Sure,” she said weakly. Another chance wouldn’t kill anyone. So what if he didn’t make her shiver with excitement? He was a good guy, and she enjoyed his company. He deserved more than one shot. And she didn’t exactly have men beating down her door either.

That seemed to make him happy, and when she opened the door, he gave her a big smile. “Have a good night.”

“You too,” she said softly as she closed the door behind her. Exhausted at smiling so hard, jaw still aching, and more confused than she’d ever been before, she sank down to the floor, back still pressed against the door.

“Didn’t go well?”

Madison popped her head out of the kitchen.

Veronica nodded, then shook her head, then shrugged. How to explain?

“Uh oh, that didn’t seem like a home run. Want to binge on a carton of cherry fudge dream and talk about it?”

Veronica started to say no, because it was private. But this was what girlfriends did. She picked herself up, tossed her purse and cardigan on the nearest table, and walked to sit on the couch. Then realizing she wasn’t going to be comfortable, she ran down to her room to change into a sweatshirt and sweatpants. Something that would horrify her mother. Naturally, she wore them with glee.

Madison was already in position on the couch, carton of ice cream next to her, two spoons in hand. She held one out as Veronica sat and started digging in.

“Won’t Jeremy wonder where you are?”

Madison snorted around a spoonful of Cherry Garcia. “He’s with Dwayne tonight.”

The mention of the man who made her body shiver after such a lukewarm evening made her bite her lip with guilt.

“So, start talking. And go slow. My dating life is pretty much nil at this point so I’m living vicariously.”

Veronica laughed and scooped up some ice cream. After the shock of cold passed, she said, “Your dating life is nil because you have a man. It doesn’t count. But… it was nice.”

Madison groaned.

“What?”

“Kiss of death. Nice. I worried about this.” She peered off into the distance, spoon held straight up, locked in thought. “He’s too much like you. Too easy.”

“You and Skye said I needed to start easy,” she huffed. Could these two not agree on anything?

Madison shrugged. “So maybe we were wrong. It’s happened before. Not often, of course,” she added with a wink. “But everyone has an off day. But I digress. Continue with the niceness.”

“We went to the coffee shop. It’s a cute place. I like the local businesses; more personal. Got a table in the corner, drank our coffee, and talked.”

“About?” Madison prompted.

Veronica sighed and spooned out another bite. “Fletchers, other coworkers and what they’re up to now. School.” Which had made her insanely nervous. What if he asked where she went to high school? Or college? How did she answer, “Nowhere. Ever,” and not look like a weirdo? Or an idiot?

“So lots of talking. Any touching?”

“Madison.” She blushed and turned away. The only touching that came to mind was Dwayne’s hands on her waist, on her back, on her skin. The pressure of his mouth on hers…

“I see from that little smile you’ve got going that the touching might have been a little more than nice,” Madison teased.

She wiped her face clean of any emotion. “He kissed me at the door. It was… nice.”

Madison rolled her eyes. “Doesn’t sound like the guy knows how to kiss properly, if you ask me.”

“It was just fine. There was just something… missing? I don’t know how to explain it.”

“You don’t have to. I know what you mean. The chemistry. It’s gotta be there or it’s pointless.”

Her friend spoke with such sadness all of a sudden that Veronica looked up in surprise. Madison stared off in the distance, and Veronica couldn’t help but wonder who she was thinking of. Was it Jeremy? Was there no chemistry between them, or too much?

It wasn’t her business, so she would not pry. To bring things full circle she said, “All in all, the date was simply fine. Nothing outstanding, but nothing wrong either. He asked if we could see each other again and I said—”

“No.”

“—yes.” She stared at Madison. “No? Why no?”

“You just said yourself there was no chemistry. Why bother?” Madison tossed her spoon on the coffee table and leaned back as if she were too full to move off the seat just yet.

Veronica mimicked her pose. “Guys are not exactly waiting in a queue for the chance to date me, if you haven’t noticed. So what is the harm in going out one more time with him? Maybe I’m judging him too quickly.”

Madison tossed her hands up. “Whatever. Your life. If you want to waste time on a dud, go right ahead.”

“David’s not a dud,” she said, indignant. He might not be the one for her, but he wasn’t that bad either.

Madison was quiet for a while.

Finally, Veronica said, “I saw Dwayne at the coffee shop.”

“Oh yeah? Was anyone with him?”

In other words, was Jeremy with him? Veronica was getting good at this whole
reading
people
thing. “He was alone. I think he almost got in a fight with someone standing behind him.”

“What?” Madison sat up quickly, jostling the couch. “Why?”

“I only caught the tail end of it, but I believe the other man started it first by pushing Dwayne. Who knew a coffeehouse could be so exciting?”

“Huh. Dwayne’s normally so mellow, definitely the most laid back of the three guys. I hope he’s okay.”

Veronica bit her lip. It wasn’t her secret to tell. Even though she knew Madison would only ever have his best intentions at heart, if Dwayne wanted anyone to know he was having problems, he’d have to tell them himself.

“Moving on then. A date for Tim and Skye’s not-wedding. Any ideas? Will you invite David or go stag?”

“Oh, right. That is coming up soon, isn’t it?” She hadn’t really thought through a date yet. But then again, David would likely be willing to attend with her. The main problem there was if she wanted him to or not. That was something she would have to consider. Asking him to a wedding seemed like such a large step. Or maybe not. What did she know of normal dating practices?

“Few weeks. I’ll be honest and say I’m so thankful I no longer have to do the ‘where do I get a date’ dance like I had before. So I sympathize with your plight.”

“You had trouble finding dates before?” Veronica had a hard time seeing that.

“You’d think being in a male-dominated career, it’d be easy to find a man.” She laughed. “Maybe I was the exception to the rule. Anyway, how about we make a deal. If you don’t get a date that you’re happy with, then we just go together.”

“What about Jeremy?”

Madison thought about that for a second. “Jeremy will be busy all day with the guys, and we’ll be with Skye for most of it. So really, it’s not that big a deal. You can be my sexy mama date. And who knows,” she added, that typical Madison mischief coming back into her eyes, “there might be a sexy guy we haven’t met before just waiting for you to show up so he can sweep you off your feet.”

Veronica wanted to say she’d already met a sexy guy, and he’d already done some unintentional sweeping. But she couldn’t, because nothing was ever going to happen between them.

Even though she was starting to think he was much more the type of guy she should be aiming for.

***

Dwayne stared at his boots, at the dog tag twined under the laces. “Should I just start talking?”

The chaplain sat back in his chair. “You asked for the meeting, Captain Robertson. What would you like to talk about?”

Nothing. Everything. “I had another freak-out. I was driving this time.”

“I assume you weren’t injured.”

“No. There was someone with me; they managed to talk me through getting off the road and parked.”

“Lucky.” He paused. “How did they react?”

He breathed deeply. “Better than I expected. She just sat there, waiting for me to calm down, then drove us home.” But first he’d spilled his guts. About his deployment, the IED.

“Sounds like a good friend. Are you worried about—”

“What about dating?”

The chaplain stopped mid-sentence and looked at him, surprised. “What about dating? In general, or for you specifically?”

He felt like five kinds of fool for blurting that out so suddenly. It wasn’t what he came here for. Or was it? He still wasn’t sure what made him want another appointment. But maybe he should just roll with it.

“I guess for guys in general with my specific problem.”

“Ah.” A knowing look crossed his face. “Are you worried then about how a relationship might affect you and your efforts to move past the issues you’re dealing with?”

No, not worried. Terrified.
He nodded.

“Well. On that I can only say… I don’t know.”

Dwayne stared at him, waiting for more. Nothing came. What the hell kind of rip-off was this? He came for guidance, and all he got was “I don’t know”?

The corner of the chaplain’s mouth twitched. “Obviously my answer isn’t satisfactory. And I don’t blame you. I’d like someone else to give me all the answers to life too. A cheat sheet would be splendid. But that’s just not how it works. All I can say is, there’s no way to know. A relationship could only highlight the struggles you’re going through, distracting you from your progress. Or it could give you an anchor, something to hold onto when things get tough. A built-in support group. How it actually works out is just something nobody can know until it’s over. Or not over.”

Dwayne flopped back in the chair and stared at the ceiling. Waiting, maybe, for a sign.

No divine answers came from above.

“You don’t have to answer, but I’m curious. Is it the girl from the freak-out? The one who waited for you, helped you calm down, drove you home.”

“How did you—” Great. His chaplain could read his mind, but not the future. Helpful.

He smiled. “Comes with the job. Over the years, I’ve become a bit of a people-reader. All I can say is what I said before, that nobody knows ahead of time. But the fact that she didn’t freak out herself, that she handled the situation so efficiently, tells me that maybe this won’t be as hard for her to deal with as one might think. Something to ponder.”

Something to ponder.

He stepped out the door and nearly ran into Captain Beckett.

“I think this is becoming a thing with us,” he joked, steadying himself on the wall.

Beckett grinned. “If you were a chick, I’d think you were stalking me. I’d have to start dating you just to get rid of you.”

“I’ll pass, thanks. You heading in here?” Dwayne motioned at the door and started to grab the handle.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“You’re running a lot of errands in this end of the building lately. I know you just got promoted, but you know you can use one of your office minions for stuff like this, right?” Some guys got nervous after gaining a rank, not wanting to rock boats with those who hadn’t advanced yet. They took on more grunt work than necessary.

He smiled and shrugged. “I like handling my own stuff.”

Dwayne mirrored the shrug. “Your choice. Have a good one.” Dwayne went back to his office and shut the door. Only a matter of time before someone came knocking. But he needed a minute.

Would there be guilt in tangling someone up in his life when he was still so confused about how to deal with his problems? Was it fair? Was it right?

She knew, though. It’s not like he would be hiding anything from her. She’d seen the worst of his problems, and she hadn’t treated him like he was diseased. She still kissed him, still wanted more after. So maybe it wasn’t his decision to make. Maybe Veronica would say no anyway. Turn him down.

The thought went through his spine like ice. Not having her by his own choice was one thing. But to put himself out there and have her walk away, reject him…

He’d think about it some more. Ponder, as the chaplain said. He just hoped he thought fast, ’cause keeping his hands to himself was more than a little of a challenge.