The Nurse's Brooding Boss (14 page)

Elana felt her heart squeeze painfully in her chest when she saw the stricken look in Brock’s eyes. Not wanting children was one thing, but to give up Tucker? No, she couldn’t believe it. “You’d give him up to strangers?” she asked in a hoarse whisper.

“It won’t come to that,” he said finally, sidestepping her question. He looked away, avoiding her gaze as he gestured to Lacey’s room. “The portable crib is still set up in there if you’d like to put him down.”

“Sure.” Regretfully, she carried the baby to Lacey’s room, leaving the light off and only using the illumination from the hallway to find the crib.

She carefully set him down on his back, covering his body with a blanket. He stirred a bit but didn’t wake up. She stared at him for a long minute, thinking he was the most beautiful baby she’d ever seen.

How could Brock even think of giving him up? Inwardly reeling, she tried to comprehend what was going
through his mind. What had he said earlier? He’d always avoided kids? Did he seriously plan to live the rest of his life without children?

Sure he did. Because all this time he had lived his life only for his patients. He’d never planned on having a future of his own.

He couldn’t love her. He couldn’t possibly love her if he thought she wouldn’t one day want to have babies of her own.

She heard the muffled thud of a car door slamming shut.

Visitors? With a curious frown, she walked back out to the living room to find Brock opening up the front door.

“Lacey!” Brock exclaimed in relief. “I’m so glad you’re back.”

“Where is he?” Lacey barely spared Brock a glance, searching the room frantically for her son. “Where’s Tucker?”

“I just put him down in the crib,” Elana said, trying to reassure Lacey. “He’s fine, doing great, in fact. We just picked him up from the hospital today.”

“I need to see him,” Lacey said, quickly heading for the bedroom.

Elana glanced at Brock.

The relief in his eyes was starkly overwhelming.

Lacey was back and obviously planned to take over Tucker’s care.

There was no reason for her to stay.

“T
UCKER
is really doing better?” Lacey asked, coming back into the room.

Elana forced a smile. “Actually, he is a lot better. Has hardly cried at all since the antibiotics have started working on curing the pneumonia.”

“I’m glad.” Lacey looked relieved.

“Where in the heck have you been?” Brock demanded.

“I went home to see my mother,” Lacey admitted. “Obviously, you probably guessed I haven’t been home in a long time. In almost two years, to be exact. I don’t much care for my stepfather, but my mom seemed glad to see me.”

“I’m proud of you for going, Lacey.” Elana reached out to gently touch her arm. “I’m sure that must have been difficult.”

Lacey shrugged, but Elana could tell the visit home hadn’t been casual or easy. “She wants to meet Tucker and Joel sometime, and maybe I’ll arrange for her to come visit without my stepfather.” She glanced glumly around Brock’s house. “I guess Joel hasn’t been back yet, huh?”

“He called this morning, actually,” Brock said with a reassuring smile. “Wanted me to tell you he loves you and that he’s hoping to land a new job as an apprentice for a home remodeling company.”

“Really?” Lacey’s eyes brightened. “He said he loved me?”

“I swear.” He crossed his heart and cocked an eyebrow. “Maybe if you’d turned on your cell phone, he would have called you directly.”

Lacey flushed. “I know. I’m sorry. I forgot my cell phone battery charger here. I guess I was just so desperate to get away.” She looked uncomfortable, as if remembering their argument in the cafeteria.

“You’re here now, Lacey, and that’s all that matters,” Elana pointed out.

“I missed Tucker so much,” Lacey admitted, her eyes glimmering with a hint of tears. “More than I thought I would. When I went to the hospital and saw some strange baby in Tucker’s room, I freaked out. It took a while for the nurse to calm me down enough to let me know you guys had brought him home.”

As much as Elana wanted to leave, had in fact edged closer to the doorway, she couldn’t just abandon Lacey. She put a comforting arm around the young mother’s slim shoulders. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be just fine.”

Lacey hugged Elana back, but her gaze was still centered on Brock. “My mom gave me some money; it’s not a lot but enough to hold me over until Joel comes home.”

“Lacey, don’t worry about the money. That’s not what’s important.” Brock’s gaze momentarily dropped
to her forearms. “You are what matters. I’m willing to help in any way I can.”

Lacey must have noticed his gaze because her chin came up a notch. “You were right; I have been cutting myself. It started a long time ago, for reasons that don’t matter any more. But I’m getting better. I haven’t cut myself in over a week. I’m trying to be a good mother to Tucker.”

Elana was amazed Lacey blurted out the truth like that. “No one ever said you weren’t a good mother, Lacey,” Elana hastened to point out.

“Of course not. I was just worried about you,” Brock added lamely. His alarmed gaze collided with Elana’s, practically begging her for help and guidance in handling Lacey’s revelation.

She swallowed hard, wondering what she was supposed to say. She was hardly an expert.

Yet suddenly she understood exactly what she needed to do.

“Lacey, I want to show you something.” Elana stepped away, slowly pulling up the long sleeves of her dress, exposing her arms. “I know exactly what you’re going through. Because I used to cut myself too.”

“You did?” Lacey’s eyes widened with undisguised amazement. She reached out to tentatively stroke the telltale raised ridges of Elana’s scars. “Just like me?”

She nodded. The scars weren’t exactly badges of honor, but in a way they were a sign of hope. Of healing. “Just like you. For reasons that don’t matter any more to me, either. But you can beat it, Lacey. I
learned to stop, and I have all the confidence in the world you can too.”

“I hope so,” Lacey said in an awed and somewhat hesitant tone. “I really hope so.”

“I’ll help you,” Elana offered. “Anything you need, ask me. In fact, if you start feeling desperate, like you need to cut yourself, call me. I’ll come whenever I can, and we’ll talk it through.”

“Is that how you stopped?” Lacey asked.

Her throat swelled with emotion as she remembered Chloe’s loving support. Because as strange as it might sound, using the sharp edge of a razor, and making tiny slices in your skin despite the pain, was as addictive as any narcotic. The cycle had been extremely difficult to break. “Yes. I had help too, from Chloe. She was my foster mother. She took me in after I ran away from several other foster homes.”

“I don’t think my mother would understand at all, but I’m glad to know you went through this too.” Lacey’s smile warmed her heart. “It’s a deal. I’ll call you if I need help kicking the habit.”

Elana couldn’t help wondering about Lacey’s mother. If Lacey had been her daughter, she would have moved heaven and earth to bring her daughter and grandson home. But at least Lacey wasn’t alone any more.

She’d be there for Lacey, no matter what happened between her and Brock.

Lacey turned to Brock, who was watching them intently. “I hope you’re not too upset with me for leaving.”

“No, of course not,” he said gruffly. “We were worried something bad had happened to you, that’s all.”

Lacey slowly nodded. “I know. And for that I’m sorry.”

“Are you hungry?” Brock asked, changing the subject. His gaze included Elana. “How about I order out for some pizza?”

This was her cue to leave. “None for me, thanks. I really need to get going.”

“Won’t you stay?” His gaze clung to hers.

“No, thanks. I have some things I really need to do.” She cared about Brock. Cared about Lacey and Tucker too. But she didn’t believe in Brock’s love. She wasn’t even sure he knew how to love.

Lacey was here, and Tucker would be fine.

It was well past time to go home.

Elana tried to ignore the shrill ringing of her phone, the third call within five minutes. Brock’s number lit up the face of her phone. Again. Part of her knew she was being childish in refusing to answer, but, truthfully, she wasn’t sure what to say.

She’d spent a restless night, tossing and turning, so she wasn’t in the best frame of mind. She’d ignored his calls all morning. Was dreading going in to work and seeing him. Working with him as if they were nothing but colleagues.

While her heart ached with wanting the impossible.

When Lacey’s number lit up her screen almost an hour later, she didn’t consider ignoring the call. Considering how she’d promised to be there for Lacey, she
quickly pressed the button to answer. “Hi, Lacey, what’s up?”

“Why aren’t you answering Brock’s phone calls?” she asked in exasperation. “He’s driving me crazy, constantly asking me to call you.”

Elana sighed. She should have figured Brock would know her well enough to know she wouldn’t ignore Lacey’s call. “Brock has no right to drag you into our mess.”

“I know you didn’t ask for my opinion, but I think he’s freaking out over your scars,” Lacey confided in a low tone. “The look on his face yesterday when you pulled up your sleeves…” Her voice trailed off.

Elana glanced down at her bare arms. It felt weird not to have long sleeves on. She was trying to work up the courage to go to work wearing only her short-sleeved scrubs, but she wasn’t sure she could do it. “No, that’s not it. Brock has already seen my scars.” Her laugh held a trace of bitterness. “Every single one of them.”

“All of them?” Lacey echoed. Then her tone changed as she put the obvious two and two together. “Oh, I see. Well, then, what’s the problem with you two?”

“It’s a long story,” Elana said evasively. “And I’d rather not get into it, if you don’t mind.”

There was a brief pause, and Elana knew she’d hurt Lacey’s feelings when she said, “Sure. Whatever.”

She closed her eyes, burning with shame. Lacey was trying to be a friend; she deserved better than that. “Lacey, I’m sorry. If you want to know what’s going on, here it is. Brock claims he loves me, but I don’t believe him.”

“Do you think he can’t love you because of your scars?” Lacey asked.

How could she explain something she didn’t fully understand herself? “No, he says he loves me scars and all.”

“But you don’t believe him?” Lacey persisted.

“No. I have reason to believe he doesn’t really know how to love someone.” She didn’t want to mention to Lacey how she’d asked him about adopting Tucker. She didn’t think Lacey would take too kindly to Brock’s hesitation.

“Hmm. Well, maybe he has some scars too,” Lacey said. “Scars you can’t see.”

What? The truth hit her like a cement block falling on her head. Of course Brock had scars. Deeply hidden scars. Scars that weren’t visible to the naked eye.

Lacey was right. She wasn’t being fair to him. “Lacey, you’re a genius.”

“I am?” Disbelief laced her tone.

“Yes. Ah, look, tell Brock I’ll talk to him later.” If she was going to talk to Brock, she’d rather talk to him in person, not on the phone.

“All right. At least that should make him happy. Take care, Elana.” Lacey disconnected from the line.

Elana let the phone slip from her fingers as she stared blindly out the window.

She’d expected Brock to love her in spite of her scars, the undeniable evidence of her troubled past, but she hadn’t been willing to do the same for him.

Because she did love him. Had loved him from the
moment he’d tried to take responsibility for her scars, rather than seeing them as ugly marks of failure.

But she’d done the exact opposite, by making her love for him conditional on having babies.

Brock tossed aside the cell phone he’d been using to call Elana. It was no use. He’d left half a dozen messages, but she wasn’t calling him back.

He was going to have to see her in person. The moment she’d walked out of his life, he’d realized the depth of his mistake.

He needed to fix things in a hurry.

His front door opened before he’d reached for the handle. “Joel?”

“Hi, Brock. Are Lacey and Tucker here?”

“Yes, I think Lacey’s feeding the baby in the spare bedroom.” He gave his brother a slap on the back. “Glad you’re home, but I have to go and see Elana.”

“Elana? Who’s Elana?” Joel asked, exasperated. “Don’t you want to hear about my job?”

“You got it?” Joel flashed a wide grin. “Hey, good for you. I’m proud of you, Joel. Look, I promise we’ll talk more later.”

“Wait a minute,” Joel said as Brock continued out the door. “Who’s Elana?”

“Ask Lacey,” he tossed over his shoulder just before he let the door slam shut behind him.

He headed straight for Elana’s apartment building, mentally rehearsing what he wanted to say. When he got to the door, Elana came barreling out, practically run
ning into him, much like the day she’d come running out of her mother’s nursing home. Only this time she wasn’t crying.

He wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. Had she really already made up her mind about him? Deciding he wasn’t worth her time and effort?

“Brock!” Elana clasped a hand over her heart. “You scared me.”

“I’m sorry,” Brock apologized quickly. “I’m glad I caught you, though. Do you have a minute to talk?”

She surprised him by nodding. “Sure. As a matter of fact, I was just going to drive over to see you.”

She was? Good. That was really good. Wasn’t it? Maybe not. “Do you want to go inside or take a walk?”

After a moment’s hesitation, she gestured to the apartment building. “We can go inside.”

He followed her back up the stairs and into her apartment. Nervously, he sat on her sofa. Her living room was all warm colors and earth tones.

“You’re wearing short sleeves,” he said, noticing her attire.

She flushed as she glanced down at her bare arms. “Yes, I’m sort of practicing. I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to go to work this way, but I thought I’d give it a try.”

Her admission humbled him. “Elana, I think you’re the bravest woman I’ve ever met.”

“Me?” Her eyes widened, and she instantly shook her head. “No, I’m not brave. In fact, that’s why I told Lacey I’d talk to you. I wanted a chance to explain.”

“Lacey?” Brock looked confused. “You spoke to Lacey?”

“Yes. She told me you asked her to call me.”

“Yeah, but she refused.” Brock let out a low chuckle. “She must have called you anyway. I guess I owe her a debt of gratitude if something she said made you change your mind about talking to me.”

Elana sat down beside him, her gaze serious. “She did. I need to tell you that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset when you didn’t seem thrilled to adopt Tucker.”

“Please, Elana, let me explain.” Brock reached over to take her hand. “You were right that day. I’ve made dedicating my life to saving patients more important than having a life of my own. To be honest, in some warped way, I didn’t think I deserved to raise a child. Didn’t have the courage to open myself up to losing someone like that. But being with you, loving you, has made me realize I was wrong.”

“How? I’m not courageous,” Elana protested.

“You are.” Brock tried to make her understand. “After everything you’ve been through, you opened yourself up to love. With Chloe. With Raine. With Lacey and Tucker.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “And I hope with me. Give me a chance, Elana. I love you so much, with my entire heart and soul. Give me a chance to prove how much.”

His eyes widened in alarm when her eyes filled with tears. “Brock, I’m the one who should be apologizing to you.”

“Why?” He tightened his grip on her hand. Was she trying to tell him she didn’t return his feelings?

“You helped me realize that I’ve been wrong. You asked me to forgive you, and I did. But when you saw my scars, I freaked. Because I hadn’t forgiven myself.”

“You were young. For heaven’s sake, Elana, you had a right to be upset.”

“No, you don’t understand. I needed to forgive myself for being alive when Felicity wasn’t. For loving Chloe while my mother sat day after day in a nursing home. For wishing I could have the family I’ve always dreamed of.”